Share Your Story

I’m working on a book which will be a somewhat humorous memoir of my struggles and recovery as well as some no BS info on when really goes on in the minds of those struggling. I’m also planning to bust some myths and show that even “normal” people have disordered thoughts and feelings. So feel free to share anything. Whether it be some ridiculous food fear, a time where you ate too much/too little, important events in your life you missed because it interfered with food or exercise, anything really. I wan to hear the truth. I’ve added the first entry so you can get an idea. I will not use the names in the book unless you give me permission. Thanks so much for helping me out!

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43 thoughts on “Share Your Story

  1. Here I go!
    Ok, so I used to at night. This when I was at my worst. I would eat nothing but vegetables from the cafeteria at my college and at night, I’d gorge. But not on cookies or anything, more like all bran, fruit, lean meats, soy nuts, whole wheat bread, and “healthy” items. It was A LOT of food, but very controlled. It was ridiculous and I’d stay up until 4am and wake up around noon feeling like stuffed turkey. But in reality, with all the exercise I did, it left me extremly frail and weak. I cant imagine waking up and not eating first thing these days. Glad I can’t go a few hours without transforming into super-bitch. Hmm….makes me wonder if all those years I was a super bitch????

    • i can seriously relate to this. but the thing is, i feel like my appetite doesn’t “kick in” until night and why on earth would i eat more than i want during the day? bah. i also have irritable bowel syndrome (symptoms started three weeks post recovery from restrcited eating/overexercise) which makes things harder because i have so many bodily complaints even when i do eat food. during the day i just end up eating something like 2 eggs and 4 cups of vegetables then at night i go to town snacking on every “healthy” thing in sight, whether that’s fruit, raw vegan treats, coconut milk (just eat it like whipped cream), kabocha squash, grilled fish… then go to sleep after 2-3 hours of eating and wake up feeling worthless and tired. and also, nothing i ate would digest with sensitive stomach and all and the next day i wouldnt be able to eat anything, let alone move.

    • I used to do this all the time back when I was really bad. I’d restrict all day long and then at night I’d have like 3 carefully measured out meals that my nutritionist had planned out for me so I could get an idea of what normal meals were like in a row. I’d be stuffed the next day. But i’d gorge on things like dried fruit, nuts, muesli, yogurt, etc.

  2. One weird thing I did was eat a packet of instant oatmeal EVERY DAY for breakfast before school. Just one packet, nothing mixed in but artificial sweeteners. That was all at about 6:30 in the morning, and it would take me to lunchtime to eat again. Most of the time, I’d have a turkey sandwhich on just plain bread, with nothing but turkey and mustard. EVERY DAY! My dinner was all about trying to dodge anything my grandmother cooked or brought home from a food place. I’d eat as little of it as I could. Ugh! I look back and wonder how I thought I was only trying to be “healthy”!

    I also ate a lot of packaged dinners/meals. Those from Lean Pockets, Lean Cuisine, Smart Choice, etc. etc….. Now I completley bypass those things when I’m in the grocery store! I have bad memories of spending too much time, walking up and down them, looking for the lowest calorie number on their nutrition label. Well, Lean Cuisine can kiss my a** now!

    -Tori

    • I literally did the same for about a year to lose weight when i was already underweight with the oatmeal:( I planned what I was going to eat in an app the day before and ate ONLY that. I was so bad days I was “negative” calories with all my excersize:(

  3. This is a great idea. While I never had an eating disorder, I’ve always had somewhat disordered eating.

    I have what I affectionately call “fat kid moments.” This is when it is is not safe for me to be anywhere near food..seriously. I’ll walk you through one. I thought I was going to have popcorn for dinner (not for weight loss because I like having popcorn for dinner now and then), but then I got hungry. I thought I’d have some chips and salsa. I ate the whole bag. Then my mouth was too salty, so I ate the cookie dough out of my hubby’s cookie dough ice cream. Then I started to think how good PB would be with those cookie dough bites, so I ate over half a jar of PB. Then I was delirious at this point and managed to find hidden Girl Scout cookies and Halloween candy, which I also ate. Yeah, I felt AWESOME after that (insert sarcasm). I didn’t purge, because well I can’t on demand so I was left feeling like a lard@ss for the next few days.

    These happen to me about once every couple of months. Scary sight to see!

  4. Well after I thought my struggle with food was over, one disorder remains. I’m embarassed to talk about it, and even though it has improved over the years, it is not gone entirely.

    During a very restrictive phase, while I was living in Ireland and driven to have some kind of control in my life, the only time I would properly fill up on food was breakfast. I would have a big bowl of cereal or two, or beans and toast–food with substance. Because I was so hungry, I would often wake up very early, starving for this meal. When I started to focus on my health again and gaining weight, I could not get rid of this habbit. Over time, 5 in the morning turned to 4 in the morning, 3 in the morning, 2 in the morning. And a bowl of cereal turned into cookies, chocolate…anything calorie filled I could get my hands on. Even years later, in university, I would wake up three or four times a night and eat. Sometimes I would eat my roommates food then have to replace it. I would wake up in the morning feeling sick, full, depressed and embarassed.

    Over the years, through improving my diet, seeing nutritionists and taking my health more seriously I have made big steps in my NES (Night Eating Syndrome). I recently spoke to a doctor who specialized in anxiety who recommended supplements to calm my anxiety, a major cause of this. Most nights I sleep through the night, but there is always a night or two where I will wake up and need a snack. Not because I’m hungry, but because my mind is racing and I feel a part of me is still upset over the restriction I once held over myself.

    This is very hard for me to post so I hope it will be read with understanding and an open mind.

      • I think “diagnoses” are a little bogus. Lots of people struggle with food and I don’t think you need a “diagnoses” to justify you need support and that you have a problem. Thank you SO much for sharing! I my self had NES tendencies (that I’m sadly still working on).

      • you have no idea how good it is to hear this. I know it sounds strange, but I seriously thought I was the only one who did this. thanks so much for sharing. I guess we should all stop being so worked up about what we share because it always seems to make others feel so much better about themselves. Thanks so much.

  5. Here you go.

    In high school I weighed about 50-60 pounds more than I do now. To this day I see myself as that fat kid. I was that much heavier because I would eat nothing but fast food and sour cream and onion chips and drink soda. Then I decided that sucked, so I stopped eating fast food and drinking soda and lost the weight in about 18 months. That was about 10 years ago, and give or take 10 pounds I’ve been the same weight since.

    However, I have moments. I have a terrible anxiety problem. When it kicks in, I eat anything I can. So in my darkest moments I would polish off a plate of something called Carne Asada Fries. It is essentially a giant plate of fries covered with guacamole, sour cream, cheese and salsa. To top it off, I would the eat a pint of Ice Cream. Then I woud feel awful, hate myself, feel terrible about myself, cry, etc. And this was when I was at my lowest weight. I don’t really do this anymore and it is because I have a better support system now, which is my wife and my family and friends. Life is better now, but looking back, it is hard. And I still have a very negative self image.

    Hope that is what you were looking for.

  6. Pingback: Raw Butternut Squash Salad and Thank You Letter to the Internet | Eden's Eats

  7. I have a sotry fro mhigh school, before my eating disorder. I loved food and eating in high school and anytime anyone offered e food, I would eat it. Why would I say no? One night, I was at my friend’s house and her mother offered my some angelfood cake. I had a piece. Then she offered me a piece of chocolate cake she just made, with a large glass of milk. Now two big pieces of cake isn’t horrible, but after having a full dinner and dessert at home, it made me sick. So sick that I threw up. Thinking back on it, it was just a silly occurrence of eating too much food and getting physically sick. It was a “normal” instance of disordered eating. I just put no thought into the health of my eating choices at that age!

  8. I kept a food diary. Because all the health magazines said to track your food intake. I tracked every calorie that I ate. Here is a sample:
    Tue 6/23/09 – 795 calories.
    Wed 6/24/09 – 782 calories.
    Thurs 6/25/09 – 738 calories and 90 mins/10 miles rollerblading.
    Fri 6/26/09 – 783 calories.
    Saturday 6/27/09 – 570 calories; what jumps out about this day is that I wrote down that I had 11 grapes at 7:00 o’clock.
    And so on.

    I’ve come a long way since that summer. I’m a lot healthier now and I have no idea how many calories I’ve eaten today. I like it much better this way.

  9. I am very much like you Eden in terms of what I ate. During the day I starved and only ate some veggies and fruits and in the evening once everyone was asleep around 12 i would start to eat. Very controlled and super healthy food like muesli and wholemeal bread. Then 5 hours later i’d wake up feeling bloated like a ballon and go for a 2 hour run to make up for the eating! what an amazing life while my friends where out partying.
    One thing that I always demanded was for my mum to buy german foods for me. Since we lived in Singapore I always wanted her and my dad to buy me foods that was from my home country. I can’t even imagine how much terror I put my mum into when I told her I would not eat anything if the certain german rice pudding that I wanted from Germany was not here!

    • Oh, I can *so* relate, and I was thrilled to move into my own place for my last year of college so I wouldn’t have to sneak my “eating weirdnesses” around my roommates anymore…

  10. I’ve never been society’s idea of thin, and over the years, I’ve watched my weight slowly creep up. Part of it is the fact that I’m lazy–I don’t really like to exercise, although I have periods where I just need to move (that’s usually when my house gets cleaned, I chase my son around, or I venture outside). Part of it I assume is genetics–My family is built solidly. 100 years ago, and on a farm, we’d be perfectly suited for that kind of work. My problem(s) with food are that not only am I a full-fledged processed-&-refined-carb junkie, but I also have a tendency to fall into emotional eating, and nothing silences that voice that sometimes tells me I’m not good enough like a large bag of salt & vinegar chips. Or a bowl of ice cream. Or both. I’ve learned that it’s not a good idea to keep chips of any sort around (be they tortilla chips or potato chips). While I can recognize when I’m eating to shut up that little voice in my head, I also sometimes just feel like eating an entire bag of chips, and if they’re there, I will do just that. Right now, for example, I’m having a crappy day. Thankfully, I have no spare change on me, or I would’ve already attacked the vending machine and gnawed through a bag of Lay’s! Luckily, sweets don’t quite have that affect on me, and even though we have a monster bucket of ice cream in our freezer at home, I’ve had one bowl in the past 4 days (and it was a small bowl at that).

  11. I have never counted calories- even in my most frail and sick period of anorexia. So I’m not sure how much I ate, but I think it was a ridiculously small amount. I had an obsession that I could never eat more one day than I had the day before (don’t know where that came from, but I guess it was a compulsion that somehow soothed me). Anyway, it eventually got down to a point where I wasn’t eating anything except maybe a few sticks of sugar free gum. Those periods never lasted too long, because I was admitted to the hospital. The thing about my eating disorder that I found to be a little different from other people who I spoke to in treatment was that I wasn’t afraid of gaining weight. I just felt comfortable in my eating disorder- it helped to numb me from the pain and devastating depression and anxiety that I was dealing with. I know there are many people who also experienced this, but there just aren’t many that I’ve met. I can’t say that I’m fully recovered- I also struggled with gorging on “health food” after leaving treatment, then I relapsed a few times. I’m more stable and healthy now, but as you say, still not “cured”, if that is even possible. I’ve never been this open about my eating disorder before, but hopefully this is somewhat helpful to you.

  12. I have had a strange relationship with eating throughout my weightloss journey. These days I feel guilty when I over eat but I have a much healthier relationship with food. I have 2 amusing/funny/ sad stories in recent days.

    First of all last year I went to Bear Rock Cafe for lunch (chain sandwich shop similar to Panera). Whenever I go to places where nutritional information is available I look it up and go in with a plan of attack. I had this plan that day but when I got there there was a turkey sandwich on the menu that caught my eye. It was turkey, a special bread, and mustard- I don’t remember what is was I actually ordered unfortunately. Anyway, I ate the sandwich and it was really good and a seemingly healthy choice. When I got back to the office I looked up the stats on my sandwich and it was about 1000 calories!!! I almost died. Right there, in my cubicle, I sobbed… over a sandwich. What a waste of calories I thought as tears dripped down my face and I tried to wipe them up before coworkers noticed. The upside to teh story was I was so motivated to workout that nigth I went to a spin class and pushed myself harder then ever before and felt great afterward.

    The second story 2 years ago we went out with our department for work for a holiday lunch to Legal Sea Food. It was spur of the moment so I didn’t get to look up the menu ahead of time but when I gto there I was excited that they had a light New England Clam Chowder on the menu! As we all decided what we were going to get, a VP at my company (who happens to be from Boston) went on a loooong tanget about how awful it is to slim down classic foods and said “Who would ever order the light version?!” I almost died when we all ordered soup and I had to order the full fat cream based soup. Heavy cream is a fear of mine haha. It is just so calorie dense!

    anyway there you have it.

    • See, I haven’t *really* been in the thick of ED for almost 15 years. However, here in Seattle, they’re starting to require restaurants to post calorie counts. I hardly ever eat out (not for calorie-controlling reasons, but budgeting), but when I do, I feel myself transported 15 years back, again. Proof that we are never “cured”.

  13. hello…I just found your site and thought I would throw in my story…

    I feel that I have been dieting since I was 10 years old. I went from a “solid” child at 10 to 5’8″ 95 lbs when I was 11. I gained about 5 lbs..taking me to 100 lbs and was put on weight restriction by my dance teacher. We had a show coming up and was told that if I didn’t lose the 5 lbs that I would not be able to perform in the upcoming show and competition. I was devestated…I did not have a ballerina body and this crushed me…dancing was my life. I was at the studio 5-7 days a week and on the weekends I was there for hours…For weeks I ate nothing but plain air popped popcorn just so I could perform. I was praised for losing the weight and was able to perfom. I continued my restrictive eating until one day my mother walked in on me getting out of the shower. My parents sat me down and told me that if I didn’t start eating they would take me to the hospital and they would make me eat. I was told by my mother that if I didn’t gain weight I would not be allowed to perform anymore.

    I gained the weight..was told that boobs have no place in ballet…and forced out of ballet. I found a love for tap and jazz..where boobs were welcome..lol..To this day I am never happy with my weight. I have a hard time looking in the mirror and do not feel comfortable in my skin. At 35 with 3 children, a full-time job, and going to school full time I don’t have much time to work out and my food choices are not the best. In the new year I have decided to give myself more time to get healthy…I may lose weight…I may not…I still love to dance and now have my daughter in ballet…at a different studio…I have instilled in her healthy eating and exercise habits early…I hope that she will have more inner confidence so that she does not suffer the same internal turmoil that I have growing up…good luck in your recovery

  14. Unfortunately, I took the “calories in < calories out" equation too literally in college, and I couldn't enjoy what should've been the best years of my life. My senior year, I worked in a research lab with a lot of great people, but I'd gotten really restrictive on my eating during the day (because I "didn't have time" to exercise, so I *had* to cut back my intake), got home from school around 10pm, then had a normal dinner (like a baked potato with salsa and black beans). In the morning, I'd have 1/2 bagel with fat-free cream cheese, and throughout the day, I'd have a few apples and a snack-size bag of pretzels. The people in my lab would often gather for lunch, and I always turned them down… claiming that I "needed to study". I'm sure I'm not the only one posting here who missed out on tons of social opportunities due to hiding disordered eating habits…
    Good luck to everyone here 🙂

  15. Oh goodness..I’m full of stories. (Email me if you want more material) but I HAVE to share this as it is just so crazy.

    I was deep in starvation…where you physically and mentally are not there.
    My BMI was probably around 12…

    Each morning I would feed my dog and the sound of the dog food hitting the bowl after I shook it from the bag (tinkletinkle) would remind me of cereal and the smell of the dog food would make my mouth water. It was purely a physical reaction, there was in NO WAY I would have ate dog food or anything but I always share this story because…

    REALLY? That’s freaky.

    Another one I tell is when I went to the gym and the gym manager called the paramedics who staged a public intervention and then the Gym Manager kicked me out and said I couldn’t come back without a Dr. Note.

    How entrenching and consuming is an eating dosorder when this sort of crap doesn’t really phase you.
    Insane.

  16. I used to (and still do, trying to shed the habit) count every last calorie I consumed in a day. It got to the point where I would think about a food and the number would come up next to it (i.e., egg, 70). I would write down everything, and I remember when I was eating around 800 calories a day I would freak out if I ate 1000. I remember when I began increasing my intake, I would get very, very anxious if I had a 700 calorie meal. I’d also get anxious when I went out to eat because I wouldn’t know the calories in the foods I ordered, or if they added something I didn’t know about.

    I remember when I used to limit my carb intake only to water crackers, fruit, and vegetables. I had so many foods I put off limits. This was easier to do in high school when I only had to eat around my parents (I wouldn’t take lunch to school so I wouldn’t have to explain my meals to other people, which obviously were very restrictive) than in college, where you have way too many invites to eat out. I have never been able to make the decision to go to the dining hall with in five minutes before going, I often need to plan out my entire days meals before I go there and eat something. Going to the dining hall scares me because I can’t measure out everything I’m eating either.

    While going to the nutritionist has helped me immensely, I like to think I’m almost completely recovered, when I began going she gave me measurements in order to realize what portion sizes were actually like. So, rather than eating 5 crackers, some lettuce and a couple of cranberries and walnuts with a little bit of olive oil, I actually began measuring out my lettuce into cups, eating slices of bread, measuring out olive oil. However I measure out EVERYTHING I eat. A tablespoon of cranberries, 1/2 a cup of cottage cheese, the milk I add to my tea, the honey I eat. The lettuce. Everything.

  17. I stumbled onto your blog and I will pray for you and your father. He truly looks like a wonderful father. You are both very lucky to have each other. I wish him a speedy recovery.

  18. I read your last three posts.. one of the most entertaining blogs I’ve read. (Esp considering I read your about page first and saw all the struggles you’ve gone through!) Inspiring to see a girl get back on her feet. Keep it up!
    -Eleah

  19. Oh, and here’s my story:

    Growing up, my mother was obese. I saw her through many crazy diets, and to this day am never sure what types of food gifts I’m allowed to bake her at ay given time (what kind of diet is she on?) I love her and feel for the struggle she’s had with food. As a teen, I was severely depressed. My family moved constantly, and I sucked at making friends. I was too ashamed to eat lunch alone at the last high school I attended, so I sat in the library and did homework with no lunch (and no breakfast in the morning). At the time, I was a vegan, and would go home to gorge on “healthy” foods. I never really thought I had a problem until I realized I had lost weight without trying. My mom caught on quickly and got me some help.
    Since then, I’ve struggled with emotional eating and binge eating. Overall, I try to be as healthy as possible but have a really hard time controlling my sweet tooth! I do feel that I’ve come a long way, though!

  20. Professional athlete where weight counts just as much as training does. The lighter, the better. Forced me to only think about food 24/7. I’ve gone long periods without eating, or periods where I don’t care what I eat. I think as soon as I have one bad thing, I crack, and the day consists of eating unhealthy and binging. I don’t think it is the amount of food I have to consume each day that makes me hungry, usually it is just wanting food for the taste. If I’m training hard one day, I don’t have time to eat unhealthy, I usually crack when I’m not training or have a rest day. I also think that it is because I’m “not supposed to eat that stuff” that makes me crave it more. Hopefully when this job is over in the future, I can actually find comfort in food and eat like a normal person.

  21. I guess the worst part for me was the “rules”. I was living a life according to these outrageous rules…”eat at x o’clock, only have x, dont eat x, exercise x much, no more then x, cant do x, cant have this, not allowed to have x, x is bad, x is good, weigh x, etc.” You get the point. Anyway, the rules sucked and on top of that, they always changed! Like one day the rule would be to exercise x amount and then all of a sudden the next day that wasnt good enough anymore and I had a NEW RULE to exercise x amount. It was exhausting. I didnt really want to write it out as I feel it would be triggering for someone with an ED to read.

    PS I’m not a “rule” kinda girl. I hate rules. I was a rule breaker all my life. You can imagine how miserable following my ED’s RULES made me…..

    • Isn’t it weird how you make up, and live by, SO many rules? I honestly didn’t even realize that I had any rules at all until my therapist pointed it out to me. Even then, it took a long time to being to uncover ALL of the rules that I made myself live by. Crazy!

    • Oh my god, this sounds exactly like me. I remember one night I started crying because I was so hungry after running six miles and I couldn’t eat because it was only 6pm and I couldn’t eat dinner till 8. Even now I still have this lingering attachment to those rules. It’s so hard to break them…

  22. I have so many mixed emotions about food (that statement in and of itself is a problem for me.. why do I NEED to have emotions about food? Why can’t I just eat to live not live to eat?) But anyways.. I grew up around my family dieting, but they never pushed it off onto me. I was always able to eat whatever I wanted. I wasn’t thin in high school, but wasn’t heavy either.. I guess I was somewhere in the middle. The funny thing is that I had no idea what a calorie was and was very happy. I never dieted or watched what I ate and was more confident then I think I will ever be again.

    In my first year of college I gained about 20 pounds and began dating my fiance. I started to realize that I wanted to lose weight and be smaller than him (you see at that point I was 20 pounds heavier than him). I started counting points and lost about 30 pounds over the course of a year. I got so many compliments and felt so good. I had not realized that I had been restricting myself so much that I was beginning to feel spiteful about food. Within a mater of a few months I gained back all of the weight and began my journey again.. this time I lost weight slowly and then got busy with life. I stopped dieting and really just tried my best to make good decisions. I got back down to a “happy” weight, and once again have gained again.

    I see this vicious cycle. I restrict, am proud of myself for “doing well” and staying within a certain calorie range, and then give up, gorge on foods, feel mad, upset and then try to eat “healthy” the next day but inevitably fail. I see that I don’t even want to go to social activities or shopping anymore. I am in a healthy weight range, but I feel like everyone is judging me and is thinking I am the size of a house.

    I was sort of relieved to see others have a nightly eating problem. I can do so well during the day, but then end up waking up multiple times during the night to eat. It has gotten better in that I don’t make food, but rather just grab a snack. I am honestly hungry when I wake up during the night. I feel like I wake up because I am hungry, but then once I eat I continue to wake up because I have to use the bathroom or because my body hasn’t digested the food and is keeping me awake.

    I am tired of living my life around my weight. I recently read somewhere (not sure where) that if we had friends that spoke to us the way we speak to ourselves we would not be friends with them. I keep repeating this in my head because it is so true. Would I want to be friends with someone who constantly is telling me I am fat, jiggly, round, saggy, etc? No way! I’d get rid of them in a second. So why do I allow myself to talk this way?

    This is still a journey for me, but I now know that I don’t want to be tiny. I want to be healthy and happy.

  23. Alright here it goes:
    In the worst phase of my ED, I would look forward to my Saturdays because I had no work that day and designated it my binge day (b/c every other day I was restricting down anywhere from 400-800 calories a day (and I tracked each calorie)). I would take my Sat morning pilates class, walk the dog, come home shower, then head to go get food. I would buy my groceries for the week (purposefully picking up items I knew were my binge triggers) and then hit the hot bar. Saturday’s were (vegan) “Pizza Day”. I would pretend that I was ordering for other people and ask for 6 slices, separated. Because they thought I was buying food for 3-6 people, I would have to commit to that if I wanted dessert too (obviously ridiculous). I would then get 6 cookies from their bakery. After consuming the obscene amount of food, I would head straight to the bathroom, pick up the toothbrush, and force as much of it up as I could. Then in case I “missed” anything, I’d drink some Milk of Magnesium so I could “get the rest of it out”.
    Those were hard times. Thank god that part of my life is over with. I still struggle with undereating and overeating a little, but that’s about 5-10% of the time. For the most part, I am comfortable with food now and am working on strengthening my relationship with it.

    • i remember finding ways to “get rid” of anything “left behind.” its funny (not haha) how we come up with phrases to describe what we’re doing because we don’t even want to tell ourselves that we’re trying to vomit up (or poop out) as much of the food we just binged on as possible. i don’t even like writing that here and i’m almost 10 years “recovered,” albeit with a few relapses. in college, i knew where all the single stall bathrooms with a lock were and if those were occupied or too many people were around, i knew where the nearest gas station with the single-seater was, too. i had my loud “i’m buying this for a friend/i’m babysitting and GOSH don’t kids love candy/man i wish i didn’t have to have a party tonight i’m so tired” voice that i used at the grocery store checkout.
      i think i’m in a similar position as science & bananas and most commenters on this page – mostly comfortable with food and working on getting better – but i’m so tired of the mixed messages. i read healthy living blogs (duh) and websites, i exercise and try to eat “whole” foods and i tell myself all of it is for my health – which it is, to an extent. but mostly, i don’t want to be fat. i’m so tired of being introduced to the newest superfood that will help me stay full and lose weight and being shown me the BEST (sparkles!) move to get rid of my muffin top in 4 weeks or less. so i can accept my body as long as its thin? but if i’m fat i should be outraged at fattist people everywhere but also be trying to lose weight? i’m so confused. i’ve edited my bookmarked sites down to those with the most consistent messages (that are not thin-centric…but i’ll admit, sometimes i troll the skinny sites for ana-porn) but sometimes i still think i should go blog cold turkey. but then again, sometimes a healthy voice can provide a soothing counterpoint to an afternoon of bikini shopping or a dinner date with the grands, who want you to eat them out of house and home.
      so, my story is about just another girl who struggled with eating for years, finally got it together but still struggles and is confused as hell as to how i should feel about my body.
      thanks for this space. it helps.

  24. For me, I think my most disordered behavior came in the beginning of my weight loss journey when I tried any diet I could find. One specific time after I tried the 2468 diet, a diet that I found on the internet on one of those “pro ana” websites. I was so hungry by the end of it that I probably went to four different fast food places and completely binged to the point of sickness. Any water weight I did lose was gained back and I remember the most intense feelings of shame and desperation and I was willing to do anything in order to be “skinny”

  25. hi, your blog really resonates with me in so many different ways
    both my parents passed away 2006 and 2009, and I have had massive digestive problems and developed a fear of so many foods! finally starting to feel a bit better but still, its been a bit hard.
    I wish you the best and hope you get to spend as much quality time with your father as possible. stay strong. xox love

  26. i feel the worst and worst and grossed after eating myself into a stupor. It’s as if the food is demonic and like alcohol makes me high and guilt ridden with pleasure…. that’s not too personal, though, is it ?!? it’s never enough to have food as your demon and your friend. Extremely confounding relationship, but unlike actual people relationships the food doesn’t talk back. It’s also painful for me to share and like a previous story here, i don’t think you’re ever cured from eating issues.
    i’m the cynical scientific kind when it comes to an opinion on this matter. I am currently trying mental relaxation supplements like L Theanine but it’s not really helpful in eating rituals.

  27. When I was student teaching, I used to pretend I was planning lessons and researching things on the kid’s computers, when in reality, I was tracking my calories. One time I ate a jelly bean, then ignored a reading group I was teaching to log on to mypyramid.gov and enter in my “indulgence”. I so wish this wasn’t a true story.

  28. I realize the last post made here was over a year ago. But I would still like to share my crazy ED behavior.
    Last year when my ED was my life, I would fast until dinner, walking throughout the day. Have a “salad” with hot sauce and mustard on top. MMMM!! The next part is super embarrassing but I think it is humorous. After “dinner”, almost every night for about a month, I do a yogurt hunt for like 3 hours. Yes. That is right from about 9-midnight I would drive to different self serve yogurt places and get samples, with only buying from one place. I was basically stealing. I go to usually different menchie’s and yogurtland’s. Which is like 5 because I live in LA an there is one every 3 miles. I think the people started to know what I was doing. But I didn’t give a F**ck. I was a hungry biotch and sampling the yogurt made me feel less guilty. Yeah, I went to inpatient a few weeks after doing this which saved me from the insanity. Fucking eating disorders.

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