Salted Peanut Coconut Brownies and Types of Blogs: Categorized

There are billions of blogs out there.

(Cue the random food porn)

Maybe you read one or two (thanks for choosing mine as your selected few). Maybe you read hundreds. I don’t really care how many you read, as long as you read mine.

Anyhow, blogs aren’t exactly snowflakes. Many are so much alike that I wonder if the author is so bored, they started writing a brand new one in addition to their old one just to kill time (um, do these people have jobs? Or a sexually satisfied partner?).

So to make your life easier, I thought I’d categorize the different blogs for you:

Political blogs: Such blogs are popular among non-bloggers because nearly everyone gives a damn about politics. You are sure to find a blog out there that will support SOMETHING you believe in. Whether you think cats should have the right to have abortions, or whether you think marijuana should be sold in vending machines, there is a political blog for you.

“This Is What I Ate” Blog: It’s no surprise that these blogs don’t interest me. Unless you are Anthony Bourdain; I’m dying to know what that dude has for breakfast. Such blogs also fall into the “cute-food-name” stereotype; using big words like “yummers” and “bloobs”. I don’t understand them, like are we all supposed to read in envy? How do we know they aren’t lying?  Maybe I’ll start a blog of what I eat and put weird stuff like old shoes and hair. Cause nothing is as tasty as some hair with a side of boots for supper. And nothing makes my brain vomit like describing such a feast as, “yummers”.

 “Trick Me Into Clicking” blog: These blogs have those obnoxious ad programs installed that double underline words on the page and provide you with an ad if you mistakenly click. As soon as I see those fake links on a blog post I refuse to read further. I assume the post was written by a Jew (I’m a Jew, so this joke is politically correct) solely to make money on the ads and not to provide me with any useful or interesting.

Travel Blogs: I hate these blogs. Not in the way I hate Kim Kardaishian, but in the I-am-so-jealous-of-your-life-way. These blogs are more enjoyable when I have money in the bank to actually go to the destinations they write about. But if you like day-dreaming about travel, you might fancy these blogs. I wish these blogs wrote more about how to score super cheap plane tickets/hotel rooms or how to smuggle food past the TSA. Hell, even mile-high club stories would be entertaining (and possibly gross).

Food Porn Blogs: They take pretty pictures and make you all tingley inside. Also known to cause, drool and “foodgasms”.

On a Mission Blogs: These blogs are on a mission. “Losing 100 pounds in 40 days!” or “Going Vegan for a Year!” or, “Replacing my Boyfriend with My iPad for a Month!”. You read them because your curious to see if they can do it or totally crash and burn. I’m personally dying to know if that girl with cheated on the iPad, and I’m totally not touching that iPad.

The Train Wrecks: You may read them every single day and never even comment on a single post. They are usually painfully pathetic, but yet you can’t help but look because its like a train wreck, and you just have to watch. I should know better, but there are few blogs I never comment on but I know they are just a lovely mess and I can’t help but join in the rubbernecking. Fess up, I know you’ve done it!

What are the categories of blogs YOU read? Which category do think you belong in? I think I belong in the “So-stupid-they-think-they-are-funny-or-something-and-here’s-a-recipe” category.

Since I’ve been missing my friend’s muffins, I thought I’d tweak her original recipe a bit to make use of some salted peanuts lying around. Heres what went in my Smoothie Girl muffin/brownie remix:

(makes about four generous portions)

• 1 cup coconut flour (all purpose is fine too)
• 1/2 cup sugar or sweetener of choice
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tbs peanut butter
• 1/2 cup milk of choice or water
• 1 tsp kosher salt (save half the salt to sprinkle on top before you bake)
• 1/4 cup chopped roasted and salted peanuts (or any nut of choice, I also used walnuts in my “nut mix”)
• 1/4 cup cocoa powder
• 1 egg or 1/4 cup egg subsitute

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Simply mix the wet and dry ingredients together throughly. Pour into a pan (I used a loaf pan and not normal brownie pan because this only makes four servings). Pour the chopped nuts and kosher salt on top and pat down with you palm so they stick onto the batter. Bake for 20-25 minuets or until the cent is firm. Allow to cool for about 5 min before taking it out of the pan.

And even thought I’m not “that kind” of blog, I ate some today.

Oh, The People You’ll Meet And What I Didn’t Eat

Its no secret that I’ve spent the last few days away from home and with my fabulous friends with round the clock movie watching at the Palm Springs Short Film Festival.

And I know what you want.

You want pictures of what I ate because you either want to drool, jack off to a picture of a yogurt mess, or are just curious about what I eat. And maybe you think I’m still all disordered and live off protein powder and air.

Sorry to disappoint, but I took zero pictures of food. But feel free to jack off to a picture of a mug.

And for the record, most protein powders make me cringe. I’m way too chubby to live off protein powder and air. I’m a total fatty cause I eat animals and “white” carbs. Duh!

Anyhow, instead I thought I’d give you a run down of the wonderful characters I’ve met:

Film Festival Sluts: I suppose they are a grade above the sluts you might see at a sorority or in stores like Bebe and frozen yogurt joints.  These sluts are all “bohemian” and “artsy” cause they go to short film festivals in towns run by the “Gays and Grays”. But they all dress alike. Scantily clad in micro mini skirts, sans bra and panties. And annoyingly skinny that you can’t help but eye them up and down and consider force feeding them a fried Snickers bar or giving them a brochure to an Eating Disorder Rehab.

Outraged Octogenarians: The one gripe to seeing tons of movies with old folks is that they will get mad at you if you disrupt their patronage with your “new age” smartphone use in the theater (yes, even if it’s on silent, remember, that light your phone gives off causes their hip to break!).

“I Know Better” Octogenarians: Film festivals are fun because the producers/directors/actors are often in the audience and have a Q and A after the film. And if you are over 80, that gives you the right to alter any film if you don’t fancy it. So those over 80 will feel perfectly fine telling the directors/writers how THEY intend their film to end. Because they’re “older and wiser”, and clearly know better.

Yea, they are cooler than you think

Cute Queers: Not cute like the way Bradly Cooper speaks french, cute as in watching Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp” with the spaghetti bit. I don’t know what’s in the air in Palm Springs, but it seems to attract the most romantic queers.

My favorite couple of all

They open doors for each other, buy each other flowers and I’m guessing would share umbrellas on the three days out of the year that it rains. Why couldn’t straight guys act like that?! Anyhow, they also come in handy if you need fashion advice. Cause when a girl asks a girl for advice like that, she will do everything in her power to make her friend look fatter/uglier/smellier/hairier than her. Trust me.

The “Special” Breed: And then you will meet people of a COMPLETELY  different breed. These people are kind, generous, STRAIGHT, smart (most of the time), and…………

hairy (in a good way). And its people like that give the desert a good reputation, and its people like that who make me feel cool. Because if they would want to hang out with me, I must be cool.

Have you met any characters like the one’s I’ve encountered? Who makes you feel “cool” ?

Written From the Desert: Dear Online Dater

I guess it’s no secret that I’m visiting friends for a few days.

 

friend #1 and friend #2

 

friend #3 (in rad, red car) and #2

 

So even though I wrote about how I intend to finally start reading some blogs, that has been slightly delayed by good old-fashioned “sit in an arctic freezing theater because its 112 outside”. And every time I whip out my phone to catch up on blog reading, some octogenarian yells at me that the light from my phone is causing her hip to somehow break. As much as I love old people, they always have to blame things on their deteriorating hips!

Hence I don’t have the time and energy to compose moving, thoughtful, pulitzer-prize-worthy posts.

Not that you should expect that from any of my posts.

But what I do have is an inbox full of messages from my online dating adventures that I have been dying to answer. 

Hang tight, these are good,  and sadly, very real:

“What’s your take on younger men?”

– YoungGuy

Dear YoungGuy,

I like my men like wine, so just text me when your balls drop.

-Eden

Well as we all know, words are HARD! but with practice we can use letters to form words, words to form sentences, and sentences to construct complete thoughts… I however never learned to read or write so I just hope these squiggly images make sense to you.
-Squiggly Man

Dear SquigglyMan, 

Squiggly lines just remind me of doctor signatures and misspelled words on my computer. And I think the only thing hard at the moment is your dick.

-Eden

I got quite a few chuckles out of your profile. Don’t be surprised if you look at my profile and I’ve copied some of your jokes. I’ll use proper MLA citation, or should it be Chicago style since this is closest to humanities?

-ProfileStealerMan

Dear ProfileStealerMan,

Citation? Dude, my online dating profile is COPYRIGHTED! Just like my invention of water and all my recipes! You must put the correct citation, link, and write me a check for $50,000 dollars in royalty fees. Then we can talk…

-Eden

heyy my sexy girlfriend and myself feel that you would be perfect to step in on a 3some! i feel we all would have a great time together and really hit it off!! so let me know what you think if your interested or not….
-Mr. T and Ms. S

Dear Mr. T and Ms. S,

Wow! I’m SO flattered because knowing I turn BOTH genders on! I better move onto bigger and better things so I’m gonna try to sleep with transgendered animals like seahorses or some type of rare bird. So unless one of you happen to have a beak or perhaps a tail that swirls up, I’m not interested. Plus, I hate sharing. I’m one of the few people who tout that “sharing is scaring”.

-Eden

Alright, do you have any better responses? Are you guys sick of these “online dater” posts? If yes, feel free to yell at the screen because I won’t hear it or give a shit anyhow.

Guest Post: ED Parody

I don’t let just anyone guest post.

You don’t need a degree or Ph.D, or have written a book, or a popular blog.

You just have to be cool, bold, and tolerant of my own naughty writing style. And my friend, Sophia, is all those things and so much more.

 I am blessed to live in the same city as her so I can have playdates with her on a regular basis. And I’m honored to have her guest post today.

 So I give you Sophia’s ED parody letter today. Enjoy and move your ass, bitch.

 Hi, I’m ED.

It’s short for eating disorder, you idiot. And I have no gender. I’m too fabulous to have a sex. I like both male and female, you got a problem with that?

Now, you listen to me. You need me. No really, you do. Why, you ask? Because I promise you everything you could ever want. I mean, who needs friends and family, right?

Who needs happiness and freedom? I promise you thinness. Of course, at some point you’ll lose a bunch of hair and your skin will get dry and scaly and your breath will stink. You’ll kind of be like a fish. A bald, rotting fish with a poky spine.

But fuck that. Oh wait, you can’t, because you’ll become frigid. You’ll totally lose your sexual appetite, but all appetites are the devil anyway. Who needs them? You just need me.

Damn you, why the hell are you sitting there reading this? Get your lazy dimpled ass out of that chair! You better be doing some leg lunges while reading this. You get to burn 5 calories more! That is a whole extra cup of black coffee you get to have in exchange! Though…hmm, better stick to plain water, hmm?

 I mean, look at the way your thigh wobbles when you shake it. How gross. Can you feel the fold of your stomach when you scrunch over? That is FAT. How disgusting!

Ah, don’t worry. I still love you. Only I will love you. That’s why you better love me too, bitch.

 Haha, just kidding. You’re not a bitch. But you know who’s a bitch? Those people telling you you look horrible and that you should eat a burger. Fuck that, fuck them! Don’t listen to them. You know what they’re trying to do, right? They’re all trying to make you FAT. They’re jealous of you because your fart is way stinkier than theirs.

In fact, the whole world is out there to get you. They just want to make you FAT. Only I understand you. Only I get you and will love you for who you truly are as a person: someone who wants to be thin. Look, because I’m an honest, good person, I’ll be frank with you. You’ll die. Or at the very least, you’ll damage your internal organs and lose tons of essential bone mass. But look at it this way: organs = weight. Bone mass = weight. No weight = you lose pounds!! It’s really a win-win situation.

 And when you die, I promise you, you’ll be thin and pretty. I’ll be right there with you in your grave. I’ll be there forever with you, so long as you love me back. I promise you that. It’ll just be you and me, baby.

Now love me, bitch. And put down that 20-calorie rice cake and do some push-ups.

-XOXO, Your bitch forever, ED.

 

EDEN’S NOTE: Thank you Sophia for contributing. Thank you ED for being a limp-dick-ass-poopy-head (I tried to think of a bad name, and thats what came out). I so don’t miss you.

Cocoa Socca Loaf and Elevator Etiquette

There’s only so much to do in such a short ride, but screwing it up could make it seem like an eternity before you reach your floor.

This is me not farting in an elevator. Promise.

So I offer some etiquette guidelines.

Look Up, Retarded Pigeon Style! Look up at the top of the elevator where the passing floors are shown.  You need to look up there every 1.5 seconds or the elevator will not stop at your floor! It’s an unwritten law.  Don’t fret if everyone thinks you’re a pigeon.  If you are a pigeon, please, for goodness sakes, don’t shit in the elevator, and no, I don’t have any bread crumbs in my pocket!

Sing-a-Long: By all means, sing along to your ipod. Or hum your heart out. Both are equally classic.  People really like to listen to live music, especially when packed tight together like sardines. Just you better not do this a your work builing, you could lose your job.

Odor Rules: No bathing yourself in perfume or cologne, no eating brussels sprouts (ie, little edible farts), and any other gas inducing foods.

Wrangle Your Kids: We all know I’m not a fan of kids in the public restrooms. Same goes for kids in elevators. It’s a bad place for them to learn about buttons. I give kids the stink eye when they put all their sticky little fingers on all the buttons because I really do have better things to do than to stop on every floor. It’s not cute.

If Some Nut Makes Eye Contact….comment about the weather or masturbation.  People absolutely get giddy over talking about the weather and masturbation equally.  If that small talk topic doesn’t come to mind, bring up the politics. But if they start getting specific about the latest Tea Party Convention, press the emergency button immediately and act like you’re fainting.

Oh yea, don’t fart: If you must…..queef.

Did I miss anything?

You may have noticed I changed my Gravatar picture. I know, I’m soooooooo hot. But trust me, I would never look like that if it weren’t for the make-up and hair magic from one of my unofficial adopted moms. If you are ever in the LA area and need to look gorgeous, she’s your girl. Anyhow, I made her some Pure2Raw Twins inspired dessert socca to thank her. I tweaked the recipe a little, so vegans might hate me a bit…

• 1 cup garbanzo bean flour
• 1 egg (sorry, vegans)
• 1/2 mashed banana
• 3 tbs cup sugar or stevia
• 1/2 cup yogurt (I used a vanilla yogurt but greek would work)
• 1/4 cup cocoa powder (I used Hershey’s Special Dark)
• 3/4 tsp Cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Simply mix all the wet and dry ingredients. I used a fork but I suppose you could bust out the mixer. But a fork is less clean up and saves energy…I guess?

Anyhow, pour the mixture into a greased loaf pan and bake for about 25-35 min or until firm. Slice it up and devour.

The Silver Lining of Unemployment

It’s happened.

I’m officially unemployed.

I did have a fabulous private chefing gig. But they ran away to the midwest and I swear it was not because of my cooking. School is out for the cooking classes I teach at some local schools. And let’s face it, I’m not a “popular blog” so my foodbuzz monthly revenue is about 80 cents (and I’m rounding up). Blogging will never be my “career” and I don’t really believe you if you were to tell me it is. Lie to me if you have to, tell me you walk dogs or ponies, but don’t tell me your a professional blogger.

Its a tough economy. I mean, dude, Hookers have groupon deals ( “75% off standard Blow Job”)! But my mom always taught me to find the lighter side of dark times. So I thought I’d jot down some points about the silver lining of being unemployed for the next few months. You know, so I don’t end up being a hooker with a groupon deal.

I Can Get RIPPPPPED!!!!

Hmm…with all those hours I spend working and commuting to work, I can just use those hours to hit the weight room and recharge that sleeping exercise maniac hiding deep within me. I can finally be like all those freakish-roid-half-man ripped women that work out 28/7 (yes, thats not a typo, 28 hours a day)!

A few months of unemployment and I'm sexy!

 I can spend the extra time poaching chicken breasts and steaming broccoli for my “fuel”. I’ll be a fart machine, no doubt. But I’ll probably be able to beat you up too.

No More Un-Trained Humans (IE Kids)

People think I hate kids. I don’t. But I confess, I don’t love teaching them cooking. Food, combined with a few cases of ADD, a few over-sensitive girls, and a few boys that take my class because their parents made them, and I’m surprised I haven’t gouged my eyes out with their stupid silly bands or whatever they’re playing with.

Um...why are these popular? They need to get some POGS

Anyhow, its nice to have a break from them and let their parents reflect on their decision to procreate.

Read Some Blogs

I feel guilty when I look at my comment section and see bloggers commenting. Because 9 times outs of 8 times, I haven’t read their latest blog post. I feel like I should read every blogger that supports and reads mine. Even though I avoid the mundane ones no matter what, I can now finally read the blog gems of my commenters. Crossing my fingers that they will indeed be “gems” and not “turds”…or just a bowl of oatmeal.

I Can Switch Careers!

I’ve considered some other careers before, but I’m thinking being a life coach is my best bet! Give advice? Why not get paid for that shit:
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Yes, he’s a prick. I’ve slept with him.

Should I get a dog? No, get cat, they shit in a box.

Should quit my job???? No, dont rock that boat bitch, look how I ended up.

 

Craig Will Be My Bitch

Since I will now be on the job hunt, I’ll probably be on my dear friend’s list. But what you probably don’t know is that surfing craigslist is actually very humorous and entertaining. All the “missed connections” posts, all the weird shit people are trying to sell (kidneys, used condoms, ponies, etc), and all the weird things people are will to do to make a buck or two.

Now that I think about it, I don’t need a job.

I’ll just sell my hooker groupon deals on craigslist.

And maybe my pony.

What is your silver lining of something kinda shitty in your life? Or maybe you have a job or money to offer me? I’ll take either (money is better, duh, Jew here).

 

Feta Black Olive Cookies and Public Toilets Explained

Why I’m having a recipe and a “toilet talk” in a post is beyond me. I apologize in advance if this post makes you uncomfortable in any way. Please send all hate mail to edendoesntgiveafuck@gmail.com.

Anyhow, I’ve realized I’m a bit of a “public toilet”connoisseur. I blame the fact that my bladder is the size of an altoid. I’ve been to public toilets everywhere. In malls, airports, gas stations, libraries, different countries where the toilet is a hole in the ground, even in Dracula’s Castle in Romania.

I know my public toilets.

Um, weird.

So I thought I’d do that thing us bloggers love to do and list some of my little “unwritten rules” about these toilets:

1) The Handicapped Stall:I think it’s a law in the US that every toilet have a designated handicapped stall. This is a fine idea because I met a girl when I was traveling abroad in a country that this wasn’t a law and it was awful for her to have to hold it in until she got home. But, there is another use for these stalls. It’s for going number two. I mean, dude, I think THAT might be what those handlebars are for. And there is usually a baby changing station so you can bring that thing down and put a laptop and watch a movie on it. Its nice a roomy….Granted, you CANNOT use that stall if someone seriously handicapped is there. If that’s the case you better hold it in until they leave so you dont make them choke on the smell of your digested brussels sprouts!

Chatterboxes: I have nothing against texting or using mobile web on the toilet. I mean, who has magazines these days???  However, there are chatterboxes who share the sounds of straining with their friends. And I am not their friend.
Toilet Paper: Ahh yes, I’m so picky about my toilet paper. I like mine soft, but not too soft where it resembles satin. I like it on the thicker side and I like there there to be lot of it. But most public restrooms have a hybrid pine cones, sandpaper, ass hairs and rough sponges. This is awful because you find yourself buying new underwear because of all the paper cuts on your ass! I do have a roll of toilet paper in my car that I sometime bust out. You know, for butt-cut prevention and impromptu teepeeing.

And of course, I guess anything is better than this…..

Kids: Nothing pisses me off more than kids that aren’t trained to act like humans yet. They look or even climb under or over a stall at you and scare the shit (pun very much intended) out of you! And their mom’s will be all, “Oh, my son/daughter is just curious! ahahaha!”. 

No lady, your kid is perverted. I remedy this by putting my foot in their face to push them out.

You wonder why I dont think I should have children…..

Any pulic toilet adventures you would like to share?

So here I leave you with a very successful experiment I did when I had a lot of leftover feta and olives.  

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup  black olives,  coarsely chopped
1/4 cup sugar

1/4 teaspoon baking powder
2 tablespoons grated lemon zest
Pinch of kosher salt
1 cup feta cheese

1/4 cup milk or water

4 slices of prosciutto

 

1). Pre heat the oven to 375° F

 

2. Stir together the flour, olives, sugar, baking powder, lemon zest, and salt in a medium bowl. Beat in the cheese and milk. pour the mixture into the dry ingredients, and mix with your hands until the dough no longer looks dry and holds together when squeezed, 1 to 2 minutes.

3.  Pinch off 1 rounded tablespoon (about 1 ounce) of dough and roll it into a ball. Place it on a greased cookie sheet.

4. Bake until the cookies are edged with brown and pebbled on top, 10 to 12 minutes. Slide the parchment onto a wire cooling rack. Repeat with the remaining dough.

Father’s Day Special: Stuff My Dad Likes

My dad has been through a lot this year.

Are you kinda new to my blog? If  you are I hope you have no problem with profanity. Also, this past March, my dad was diagnosed with Gliobastoma Mutliforme (aka, very-terminal-shitty-ass-cancer) and had a 6 cm tumor removed from his left perennial lobe.  

He completed six weeks of chemo and radiation at the end of May and just had an MRI to see if there is any new growth. Fortunately, the scan didn’t show a new growth and the doctors were pleased. This does not mean he is cured by any means. In fact, this cancer has no cure. Most people die within a year, 2% live over two years.

But this was a great boost of confidence for him because the chemo and radiation was beyond brutal. Now, he will undergo a vaccine clinical trial and hopefully, will also help buy me some more time to be with him.

And in the spirit of Father’s Day, I thought I’d totally rip off  “Stuff White People Like” and present to you: Stuff My Dad Likes.

Truth be told, my dad is very picky and doesn’t “like” things so easily. Buying him gifts is impossible. But the wonderful thing about my dad is that he appreciates fine company and maybe a hug is enough for him.

 

So without further ado, stuff my dad likes:

Costco

This is how my dad and I used to spend “quality” time.  I guess he likes the idea of buying tires and fancy french cheeses at the same time. Being a Jew, the fact that it’s a bargain doesn’t hurt. Yes, he lives alone (my mom died when I was 13), and he’ll buy pounds of fresh fish and produce. And yes, it will go bad so in the end, he’s not so frugal after all. But above all, I think he like being a “member” and not just any member, he’s that “executive” member with that black card. This is totally meaningless to everyone else, but I guess it makes him feel superior.

That right dad, members only….

Old Movies

I’m not talking about movies like Pulp Fiction that are considered “old” by the tweens of today. I’m talking about movies that the tweens probably think came from the stone age. My dad has seen almost every movie made from the 1930’s-1960’s. And he wasn’t even born until 1949 (sorry dad, I gave away your age). He made me appreciate classic movies and I grew up watching Charlie Chaplin (who’s still sort of my idol behind Julia Child).

The Adventure of TinTin

Since my dad is Belgian, he thinks anything Belgian is cool (he passed that way of thinking down to me, kind of). And nothing pisses him off more than to hear about someone confuses Tin Tin’s origins being French (this also applies to people “french fries” and anything else Belgian that people think is French). Anyhow, he loves Tin Tin because it was very popular when he was a kid and most of all, Tin Tin lived my dad’s dream if traveling to all these different places. My dad loves traveling (again, passed that gene down to me) and even used to be a pilot. And on that note….

Planes

If it has wings and doesn’t have blood, my dad likes it (so yea, no birds, flying dinosaurs, dragons, or tinker bell). He got his bachelors in aeronautical engineering. He flew planes until I was born because it’s very dangerous to fly those little planes. The last thing he wanted was for my mom to get knocked up , stuck with a psycho kid  that I was, and deal with that kid alone. Anyhow, he used to tell me exactly how the plane was going to take off and land whenever we would fly together. He’s also one of those weird people who claps when the plane lands. He’s mainly clapping for the pilot and for the fact that I didn’t get air sick. This is one of the few moments in my life when I pretend I don’t know him.

There you have it.

I’m  pissed that my dad probably won’t be at my wedding. He probably won’t see my kin (if by some miracle my eggs find a sperm that belongs to a man who isn’t allergic to me and patience in me for anyone under 18). But I’m thankful to have him at this moment and that I’ve had him for as long as I did. I couldn’t ask for a better dad.

He raised me well I think. Although my profanity comes from my mom…so don’t blame him for that, fuckturds.

What did/does your dad like? I pray he at least claps when they airplane lands….

Melon Skewers and Comment Hall of Fame of the Week

Last week, I declared that I’ll post my favorite comments every week or so since I’m truly blessed to rein in such fascinating and hilarious comments. I think most of you are better off not even reading my posts and just looking at the funny dialogue going on in the comment section.

Anyhow, here are today’s comment hall of fame of the week

On The Newbie Chronicles:

My two cents:

1. Don’t blog about work unless you’re ok with losing your job.
2. If you write something less than flattering about someone, that person WILL find it. I don’t know how. Unseen cosmic forces.
3. If you are particularly proud of a post, no one will comment on it. No, it’s not fair, but that’s generally how it works.

stacy

On Flashback Friday: Tech Edition

Know whats better than 69? 88- its a double 69 ; )

–Chuck

On Comparison Shopping:

I am blown away by this post! Why doesn’t someone give you a book deal? No really.. this was amazing and I am so glad I get to call you my friend.

On a less serious note.. the bit about the fact that you are a mini horse made me choke on a grape. Thanks a lot.

I compare myself to myself. I used to compare myself to others and realized that was stupid. Now I compare myself to my past self. If I am trying to lose weight, I will look at photos from when I was the most banging. If I am hung up on something about my professional life, I look back to the times I was sitting in a jail cell and realize how far I have come. I have been in so many places that comparing myself to my past selves is more than enough–no need to compare myself to other people.

-Janetha

EDEN’S NOTE: I don’t have a book deal because I’m not dispensing weight loss tips and I’m not Betty White, or Dr.Phil….

 

On Why Bloggers Love Lists and “Safe” Shortbread Cookies 

I totally LOLZd myself silly when I read your tweet about it being legal to talk on a banana while driving in view of a cop. Is there a law against being crazy in California? You just want to date a cop, don’t you?

-Deb

(EDEN’S NOTE: no cop is gonna stop me from talking on my banana phone! If your phone has carbs, it makes it legal.)

On Committing Carbocide

Dr Atkins isn’t alive anymore. so there’s that.

I am having RICE with my breakfast right now. There’s fruit on it too.

–Kristina

Have you had any fun comments this week? Want to take a shot at making it into the hall of fame next week by leaving a random comment today? No pressure.

And for the food portion of the program, I had my last class with the cooking class kids I teach at the local elementary school before they go on summer break. They’re too young for Jewish sex camp and getting mall jobs but I still left them with a fun summer recipe.

• Watermelon or cantaloupe  (cut into cubes)
• Mint leaves
• fresh mozzarella balls
• thin slices of prosciutto

Simply skewer those puppies up.

 

 

And incase you missed it, I wrote a guest post about that weird white guy in your class that says words like “swagga”. And about how you can yell at them.

Committing Carbocide

Before I begin, I did a guest post over at my pals at Two Boos Who Eat. Its cleaner than my usual stints because it wasn’t my blog and didn’t want to taint it with words like googlesex and labia.

And onto my regularly scheduled post:

I have a medical condition.

It’s kind of rare, and most people that have it would probably freak out.

When you cut out my carbs, my foot goes right up your ass.

Butt seriously (yes, that second “t” was intended), carbs are severly underated.

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I’m a “wild child”. I drink from the tap, I dont wash my produce, and probably the “wildest” thing I do is deliberately ingest carbohydrates.

GASP!!!!!!!

I know, I know. Its wrong. And guess what? I’ve been doing it for years. Even when I was sick with an eating disorder, there was room for carbs in my diet. I’ll call them “sad” carbs because they came from bizarro sources like FiberOne and light bread,  but I was young. Even in college, I messed with carbs. I mean the peer pressure!!! You’d be at some college party, and the next thing you know, there’d be a bowl of pretzels going around, or popcorn, or even potato chips, and we’d put these things into our mouths and just… EAT them.

 Nowadays,  even dogs know how bad carbohydrates are.  Every product is advertised as being “low-carb”, including beer, lubricants, carpet cleaners, condoms, life insurance and Viagra.

Who eats bread anymore? And rice? And even fruit??? 

From my “Fear Foods” post, I realized many of my readers are terrified of carbohydrates. Because who knows, you might hand over your wallet  to a man armed only with a strand of  spaghetti. (“Do what he says! He has carbs!”).

I know, you’re not afraid of being robbed, I’m stupid, but not THAT stupid. Your afraid of gaining weight.

Why?

Because Dr. Atkins had a groundbreaking theory: Calories don’t matter!  Carbohydrates matter, which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high speeds and form tiny invisible bagels.
His discovery meant that as long as you avoided carbohydrates, you could eat high-fat, high-calorie foods such as butter, bacon, lard, crickets, chihuahuas, and even a unicorn. You could eat an entire pony! As long as that pony was not exposed to any sugar or starch. (since My Little Ponies smelled like cake, I wonder if they ar forbidden too????)

Please don’t send me hate mail about how sugar is evil. How my hamburger should be bun-less. Don’t give me some lame ass excuse that you are allergic to carbs. There will always be a carb you can tolerate if you are indeed telling the “allergy truth”. Rice, sugar, potatoes….there is A CARB FOR YOU! No excuses.

So let’s cuddle and nuzzle with some carb goodness.

Or at least with a pony whose ass smells of cake.

Have you shunned the poor carbs? How are you committing “Carbocide”? My carb weapon of choice is usually ice cream and cookies. The carbier, the better.

And to help you with your carb quota, here are the recipes for the carb goodies I’ve sprinkled throughout the post.

White Magic Cookies

Poptarts

Whole Wheat Pretzels