No Really, I Moved

Hey stragglers!

So I’ve been getting email notifications that people have been getting email subscriptions to “Eden’s Eats”. So this is just a friendly reminder that I have moved over to Eden Eats Everything.

If your not getting email notifications for the new Eden Eats, let me know and I’ll hook you up.

The Big Move

Finally, this blog is moving (HERE).

I hate moving. Even if its a virtual move. I’ll lose readers (not like I have a whole lot to begin with, so maybe I’ll have negative readers now?), There are still some things that need to be tweaked and added. And I’m leaving lots of my old content here. So feel free to come back and read my old stuff.

But I have a new site that I even christened with a new title.

Dont fret though, it will still be the same, potty mouth, crude, rude, never-nude me.

And don’t forget to reset your google readers and I’m going to get an email subscription up soon too.

PS, I’ve been having major problems with getting an email subscription service up to if you know anything about that I’ll send you a pony…that is, if I find a pony.

The Secret Tips of The Eating Disordered: Exposed!

 Since I’m a bit flabbier these days, I don’t get asked for diet secrets too often.

But at my eating disorder heyday, I remember being asked by random strangers for diet tips or how I stay so-thin-its-borderline-holocaust-victim. It was crazy and of course, I never dispensed my “tips”.

So feel special, ladies and gentleman (cause I think I get one male reader on average per post): today, I will dispense the secrets of the eating disordered:

Tip #1: Trim the fat, and by “fat”, I mean fat (duh) and friends

On your quest to skinny, friends are like that evil witch from Hansel and Gretel (believe me, I’ve had friends that actually cackle).

assholes

They’re evil and cunning. All they want to do is feed you so they can be skinner than you (that whole eating you part from “Hansel and Gretel” doesn’t really apply though). Plus, friends get in the way of the essential activities like moving a lot, training for a marathon, moving some more, and vomiting. Friends? Who needs em?

Tip #2: Cook for others, NEVER for you!

This is a great way to have a relationship with food without actually eating it! Blog and write about food too if you can! That also lets you “experience” food without having to basically tape that bagel to your ass!

Tips #3: Avoid “white” food

Haven’t you guys heard? Sugar is the new Hitler! Avoid sugar, milk, cheese, chalk, white-out, and semen. 

no eating glue! but I heard sniffing it boosts your metabolism or something....

Tip #4: CAFFEINE!!!!

You probably alread know it’s important to drink often so you’ll get too full to eat. But it’s hey to make sure what you drink is high in caffeine! Since you’re not opting to get fuel from food, you’re gonna need energy to exercise! Caffeine is your answer!

Get used to this

Load up on coffee (hold the milk and sugar, who do you think you are, Mario Batali?), down diet cokes, and green tea! I promise, you won’t be too wired because you will have low energy to begin with since you swore off that white stuff.

Tip #5: If you MUST eat, eat a shitton of fiber (pun intended!)

Chose cereal and breads with the most fiber in them! Yea, they might taste like wood but it will help you shit!

fiberrific!

It’s like a slightly-ghetto version of a colonic! But remember, these still might be carby, so only treat yourself to  fiber wood-rich when you feel “indulgent”. Sometimes, I get really “sinful” and I let myself go and have a bowl of all bran and water (remember, milk is white! no white!).

Tip #6: Find a “cause” (and by cause, an excuse)

After a while, you will get thinner and people will not only be jealous, they will try to “help” you and suggest you go into rehab or whatever. This is the time where you “adopt-a-cause”.

Look, its like "fart leaves" are covering her boobies! (fyi, cabbage leaves are fart leaves)

Say you’re “vegan” or “vegetarian” or “allergic to wheat/sugar/fat/taste”. These are fabulous excuses! Or better yet, say you have a disease so people feel sorry for you:

Hey Eden, you’re tailbone is protruding. Erm….maybe its time you like, consider eating, or something?

I am SUCH a pig! Of course I eat!!!! I just have this awful disease where its like a have a tapeworm but I dont and it also makes me allergic to carbs….oh and I love animals so I’m going vegan by the way……

Tip #7: If all else fails, lose a limb

Do you really need that left arm? Chop, chop my friend. 10 pounds gone. Skinnyville, here you come!

In all seriousness, I cringe at the fact that some people think these tips are real. And the sad thing, most people will get these ideas from health magazines or mainstream media. The intentions will actually start to be good; taking advice from a “health” magazine. But they spiral into this horrible mental prison in your head that is hard to break free from. I hope this post didn’t trigger or offend anybody. Except maybe you people still stuck in your disorders. Its nothing personal, I just hate your fucked up disorder.

So do you have any messed up tips you’ve learned? Would you like to unlearn them? Maybe you have unlearned them, how did you do it?

The Food Product Bitches I Love and Loathe

Being a food mascot is a fairly important job.

It requires you to have something that’s very hard to get out of most people: trust.

They are basically some food product’s bitch that must recruit civilans (ie, us) into buying whatever they are pimping. Kind of like “food product missionaries”.

Since us bloggers love our lists, I thought I would list my favorite and least favorite food-product-bitches (“mascots” is SO 2010):

Favorites!

Jack in the Box: Sure, its a little creepy that he has a body of a human and head of a giant white beach ball, but I love how far advertisers have gone with the development of that charcter. Last year, Jack got hit by a bus during the Super Bowl commercials. The ad launched a series of hilarious Jack in the Box ads, chronicling his tragic accident.

 Thank Gosh my only favorite clown-head (cause clowns in general freak me out) survived and is still on the ends of car radio anteneas.

The Cocoa-Cola Polar Bears: I don’t know why I love them, but I’ve always thought those bears gave coke a little “vintagey” or “classy” edge.

Maybe its because they’re usually seen drinking out of the old-fashioned glass coke bottles. I even had two stuffed cocoa-cola bears as a kid with a tiny plastic coke bottle attached. I think I also like the fact that these bears will never be caught dead drinking diet coke. Yep, they have great body image.

Mrs. Butterworth: Mainly, I like that “butter” is part of her name. And I’d imagine if I ever had a fairy godmother, it would be her.

 Making breakfast special, one pancake/waffle at a time. It makes me wonder why there is no “Mr. Butterworth”….or maybe shes gay with Aunt Jamima.

Worst

Mayor McCheese:As much as I love McDonalds, all of their mascots suck. I won’t even get into Rondald McDonald and I don’t care if he has a great charity that sends kids who have cancer to camp ( as good as those intentions might be, that sounds like torture). But Mayor McCheese will child to wonder how delicious their own head must be. Really, McDonalds? You’d expect a political figure in a major economic power like McDonaldland to be a better role model. But he’s such an ass hole!

A sash is a dead giveaway he's corrupted

 

Think about it: how does a lifelong criminal like the Hamburglar escape from prison? I mean, in a land where 90% of the populace is a food item themselves? But for some reason the police force can’t wrangle the most incompetent (yet persistent) criminal of all time. Smells like corruption to me. Plus never dressed an adult with a sash (beauty queens included).

Colonel Sanders: First off, he looks like a dapper dressed, Southern slave owner that doesn’t like Lincoln too much. Plus, I think he looks like his face is melting.

And I get the feeling he’s a pervert. It all just doesn’t add up to good chicken and hence I’ve never been to a KFC.

Mr. Peanut: A monocle is a sure sign of a sketchy person. 

It’s like he knows something that you don’t know or he’s undressing you with his eyes. And why that giant top-hat? Is he hiding someone in there? Another peanut? Maybe an almond? Maybe a condom?  Mr. Peanut is one just one of those guys that make you want to carry pepperspray and a rape whistle.

The “Skinny Cow”: Ok, with all do respect to cows, when I think “skinny” I dont think abot cows. And frankly, I dont want my cows to be “skinny”.

Seriously! A tape measure? Look at that waist! Does she not eat grass (too carby?)! This doesn’t make me feel like if I’ll eat a skinny cow treat I’ll be “skinny”. It makes me think cows need to go to rehab.

I could go on and on. But I know attention spans are short and you probably only read 50% of this if I’m lucky. Do what are your favortie/least favorite food mascots?

Deleted Post and Sore Loser

WordPress was being a dick.

I had a great post and all of my photos deleted!

But I wanted to thank all of those who voted for my recipe for The Great Fundraising Act. I didn’t win (other contestant totally cheated, feel free to write letters to the company). I WILL donate my blueberry balsamic white fudge so please buy them!

I will leave you with the question from my last post. How old were you when you learned about “the birds and the bees”? (and why do we call it that? bees can screw birds? Ew.)

Roasted Red Pepper Gazpacho and the Supermarket Checkout

They say not to judge a book by its cover. But I haven’t heard about judging someone based on their grocery store checkout items.

 

I have never worked as a cashier at a grocery or drug store, but I imagine they have seen questionable combinations.

I thought I would present to you some simple checkout combination and the type of person such items might equal. Here’s a blueprint:

 (suggestive item #1) + (suggestive #2) = (type of person that might find use in such items)

Here’s a few I came up with:

  • disposable enema + bottle of champagne = person celebrating the end of constipation
  • tampons + midol + chocolate bar + a machete = take a wild guess
  • diapers + condoms = someone learning from their mistake
  • 8 Slim Fast can + double stuff oreos = a fickle dieter
  • gum + diet soda + laxitive + snuggie = a very cold eating disordered individual
  • apples + razor blades + pickles = a pregnant Halloween serial killer
  • 16 lbs of raw steak + sewing needles + thread + cat food = Lady Gaga (assuming she has a cat)
  • Rubber bands + plastic wrap = someone who couldn’t afford condoms
  • Blank CDs + koala yummies + orbitz = a normal person in 1995
  • brownie mix + cheese cloth = a normal person in the late 60′s
  • Brussels sprouts (aka, little farts) + beer + Hustler + Pokemon Cards= Single and probably staying that way
  • Laxatives + Drano = Someone with a back up plan
  • oatmeal + almond milk + nut butter + chia seed + protein powder = just another “healthy” blogger
  • preparation H + paper towels + coke zero + gummy worms = Me last week

 

Alright, give me suggestive or funny combos.

 And PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH STEVIA ON TOP VOTE FOR MY RECIPE! I’m donating my prize money to The Great Fund Raising Act! The voting ends TONIGHT and you can vote multiple times. We need to kick it into high gear people because the other contestant is obviouslty cheating! Please help us give cancer the finger by voting! They now also have a video of someone making my recipe (I would have done a better job, duh!).

It seems like its been forever since I’ve posted a recipe. So I guess its your lucky day! Mind you, I would never post a recipe of something I thought tasted like shit. So yea, no green smoothies on this blog. But this gazpacho is NOT a smoothie. And there are no real “greens” in it. Win win!

For one “Eden” serving (maybe for two normal people):

  • 2 vine-ripened tomatoes or 1/2 cup cherry tomatoes
  • 1/2 cup water, chicken or vegetable broth
  • 1 roasted red bell pepper
  • 1 Persian cucumber, roughly chopped
  • 1 medium garlic clove, minced
  • 2 tbs  extra-virgin olive oil
  • lime juice
  • 1 teaspoons sherry vinegar
  • 1 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
  • dash of ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon kosher salt

I roasted a bell pepper by letting it char on my gas stove. This is honestly the fastest way and the only way we did it in culinary school. Make sure all sides get really black! Then cover with foil or put in a brown paper bag to allow the steam to help the skin come off more easily. Once its cooled, peel the skins off and remove the stem and the seeds.

Then put all of the ingredients in the blender and flip the switch.

I love cold gazpacho so put it in the fridge to chill.

How To Spot A Blog Whore

Its hard to avoid social media.

Blogs, twitter, facebook, google + (don’t even get me started on that!)

Sometimes, I want to just do a puzzle!

But there are people out there that live and breathe social media. It’s all about them and all about promoting themselves.

 That’s what blogs are. Me, me, me, me, me. It overlaps into twitter and facebook too. So how do you spot these blog whores? I have a few red-flags:

 Nobody Knows What They Actually Do

 I think you know you’re talking to a social media whore when you strike up a conversation that sounds much like this:

“So, what do you do?”

 “I access social media and market it to help the common good!”

“No, like what pays the bills?”

“I’m an internet marketing ninja!”

 “Ninja? That’s a job?”

 “I have an iPhone!”

I can’t compete with that. They DO have an iPhone so I better be quiet.

 

“LOOKATMELOOKATMELOOKATME” Tweets, Blog Posts and Statuses

Nothing makes my own computer AND my iPhone gag like seeing a tweet like this,

“It’s SUCH a beautiful morning! What a great day ahead! I’m so busy doing social-media-business-ey things!”

 Bleh! Yes, all blogs and facebook pages are obviously a little self-absorbed, but what this tweet translates to in my mind is:

“Look how dedicated I am to my self-professed obsession with social communication; I just never unplug!!! Off to take a shit!”

(ok, I added the shit part because this post was lacking some profanity)

 

They think they are celebrities

Fun Fact: Being big on the internet does not grant you “celebrity” status. No matter how many stalkers, twitter followers, blog readers you have. Don’t think you are holier than thou just because 100 people retweeted your tweet about eating oatmeal this morning. Plus, you really don’t want to be a celebrity anyhow because most people just point and laugh at celebrities (when I say “most people” I mean me).

Listen to the kitty

They Get Too Overprotective Over Anything That Has Appeared On Their Blog

Bloggers with their head too deep into their blog treat their blog as if it were their baby…maybe even better than a baby. If they see some other blog do a “confessions” post (which let’s face it, almost every blog does), they will immediately call their lawyers to write up a lawsuit for infringing on their copyright. Don’t even get me started on “recipe ownership”. You didn’t invent nut butter or pilates or breathing (because I believe Janetha has breathing copyrighted). Get over yourself and let go of your blog-child.

 They will seek out any event/conference/convention for their whoring pleasure

Like a Jersey Shore cast member looking for another victim to give herpes to, social media whores will seek out any conference/convention/festival. And they will jump to speak at such events without a flinch of hesitation:

You want me to speak at BlogConf ‘10? Because I’m available!

You want me to attend FoodBeat Festival? I’m there!

PornLivingSummit? Where do I sign up?!

 Such conventions and summits just feel like “high school”. I do go to the foodbuzz festival because a lot of my good friends attend and it’s my only chance to see them. But unless they offer me big bucks to speak (which I’m just SHOCKED that they don’t!), I don’t attend.

There you have it. If you do any (or all) of these things, don’t take it personally. I’m sure social media whores are excellent dressers and have hearts of gold. I just don’t want to read your tweet about it.

Did I miss anything on the list? How do you feel about people that can’t seem to unplug? Can YOU unplug?

Cancer Can Suck It….So Please, Vote!!!!

If you look at the widgets to your right, you will see a new “Cancer Can Suck It”  section with a link to my dear friend’s donation page.

I don’t need to write a post about why I hate cancer.

It took my mom.

It’s taking my dad.

And I’m no gonna let it take my dear friend, Susan. (you can read about Susan’s situation here).

When a loved one is sick, we all want to help out and make it go away. And the truth is, unless you’re an oncologist, there isn’t always a lot you can do. BUTT (yes, two “t’s” cause I’m feeling extra mature today!), there is something you can do!

I entered a brilliant (yes, brilliant!) recipe for a contest and I got to be a finalist.

Yawn…..no surprise….

But to win the $1000 prize money, I need people to vote for my recipe! And here’s the bummer part. I think this other contestant is cheating and has been living at their computer, re-clicking. And I really want to win because I will donate 100 percent of the money to Susan’s cancer fund.

And you know me, I don’t like whoring myself out, but this is for a cause very dear to my heart. So please vote for my recipe (the Indonesian Pork Baguette), the http://www.dinnertool.com/page/summer-recipe-finalists and don’t forget, you can re-vote by simply closing and reopening the browser to that site. Whenever you have a spare moment, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE vote!!!

Whore this out! Tweet it, facebook it, mention this contest on your blog. I dont care what you do, just don’t got out doing sexual favors in the streets because I will NOT fund your STD treatment.

Ok, thats all I have to say today. I’m off to spend some time with my LouLou (aka Dad).

For the sake of having a question at the end of a post (since I fear I won’t get a single comment if I dont have one), what else can “suck it”? Oh, and because I’m on a whoring streak, I’ll remind you again to PLEASE VOTE!

Constipated Saturday and Online Dating Messages

Sorry guys.

Sometimes, I’m so creatively constipated that all the prunes, fiber, and laxatives can’t  induce anything remotely blog-worthy (or even twitter worthy..but I had some enlightening thoughts today on butter that my three followers know about).

Fear not, readers! This is why I have an online dating account! For me to post up the best messages I got sent this week, for me to answer them, and for the rest of you to hopefully not die of boredom. So let me provide you with a “boregasm” by answering this week’s letters:

Hi , nice to meet ya ;)
im jewish too !
I messaged you because firstly you are cute !
secondly you are close to my location
thirdly from what I read from your profile you seem like a nice girl

p.s I am tall, which is a good thing right ? lol

so how have you been ?

-CreepyJewishGuy

Dear CreepyJewishGuy,

Boy, you sure love counting. So let me answer you in a format you might feel more comfortable with:

Firstly, cute??? CUTE?! Your little sister is “cute”, koalas are “cute”, ewoks are “cute”, I even think minibars are “cute”…..but I am none of those (especially a minibar…I cant regurgitate overpriced cashews). So don’t call me “cute”.

Secondly, close to your location? Clearly you live on mars and I live on venus pluto.

Thirdly, me? Nice? That’s hilarious, I think I peed and pooped a little.

Fourthly, being “Jewish” totally negates the benefits of you being tall.

-Eden

PS: fun fact: every time a guy says, “lol” his vagina get’s a wee bit tighter

 

Good morning, how are you? my name is Moe and im just looking for a friendly conversation.

- Moe

Dear Moe,

Good Morning indeed! But if you really want friendly conversation I suggest you catch me at later hours since “good” and “morning” never equate to anything “friendly”. Friendly conversation never happens before 12 pm. I also close up shop at 5pm. Come to think of it, I’m not open for friendly conversation very often….I’m like a bank that’s always unavailable when you need it. I also steal you money, much like a bank. Did I mention I’m a Jew? Hence I probably should start lending money too. Anyhow, I gotta go make a deposit in the toilet.

-Eden

P.S. Discount everything I just wrote to you if your last name happens to be “Joe”. Because I think it would be pretty awesome if I started dating a “Moe Joe”.

 

Hey your profile made me chuckle. About three times. Which is pretty awesome. You seem cool and it’d be fun to get to know you…. do you have a cooking style? Do you humor amateur cooks when we talk of food?

- Mr.Chuckles

Dear Mr.Chuckles,

Reading your message, I farted three time (chilli night!). And that’s NOT so awesome. Cooking style? I dunno, I usually just wear my yoga pants because it makes me feel “athletic”. And I don’t humor amateur cooks. I just point and laugh.

-Eden

Tying in to the “constipated” theme from before, I feel like the comments on Saturdays are kind of “constipated”. So all three of you probably reading this, don’t be shy….give me your message to one of my suitors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flashback Friday: Slang Nostalgia

I was born in the 80′s but I spent most of the 80′s in a diaper and strapped in to a baby bjorn.

So what I really remember is the 90′s. And boy that decade have some weird slang and catch phrases! I’m not even sure urban dictionary could keep up. This was before the time of “Douche Bag” and “winning!”. In celebration of “Flashback Friday”, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite slang and catch phrases from my childhood:

  • “Psyche!” (As in, “Not!!!!”)

This is the classic “fake out”. confused about how it works? Here’s a little blueprint.

1) Make a statement.
2) Retract said statement by shouting “psyche!”, thus humiliating the baited individual.

Sure, this seems rather harmless, borderline lame, and totally unfunny. But trust me, it caused some serious damage on the playground:

Example: “Hey Eden! I love your Osh-Kosh Overalls!…….Physche! What are you, a  farmer?”

 

Eden’s Reaction: Indeed. You can find me at Pepperidge Farm with Milanos and Veronas…poopy head!

The closest I will ever get to a farm

NOTE: this also enjoyed a slight resurgence of popularity following Sacha Baron Cohen’s interpretation in the movie Borat. Classic film, by the way.

  • “Then why don’t you marry it?”

This catch phrase had widespread use in grade schools everywhere. It’s a good question, really. Why don’t you? I mean, if you’re so attached to something, it seems pending nuptials should be in order. It’s the next logical step in your commitment and Elvis can marry you in Vagas in a snap! Still confused about how this catch phrase works? No worries, I have an example for you:

Example: “Hey Eden! You always playing with that Bradley Cooper doll, if you like it so much, why dont you just marry it!”

 

Eden’s response: “We are registered at IKEA”

 

now who's my bitch?

 

  • “WASSSSSSSUP!”

Made famous from a Budwieser Super Bowl Ad, it basically translates to: “what is up”. But this is never meant to be taken too literally with smart asses replying, “clouds”, “the sky”, or “the ceiling”. If you ask me, the best and only time to deliver this catch phrase is if delivered into a phone at an obnoxious decibel level probably caused from drinking too much ball water Budweiser. No need for an example on this one, just pick up the phone and yell it.

see, cool people DO wear overalls!

 

  • “All that and a bag of chips!”

Carbophobe readers out there: close your browser. The following will contain words that describe a delicious carb. You’ll probably fear just reading about will end up on your thighs. For the rest of you, it usually means that whatever is being discussed is “all that” and more. But the whole confusing thing about this is that the person saying this phrase  doesn’t usually believe the person is “all that and a bag of chips.”

Oh, and the word “chips” (not french fries for my brits out there) can be replaced by almost any other word. Such as “all that and a bag of cookies/skittles/beans/groceries/lube/poop/cotton balls etc.”

Example: “Look, at Eden! She thinks she SOOO funny with her poop/queef/pony jokes and her blog is SOOO unpopular. She ain’t all that and a bag of chips!”

Eden’s Response: “I may not be all that and a bag of chips (too carby) but I’m for sure all that and bag of bacon. Poopy head!”

 

Oh, that is my bag!

 

 

There you have it. I barely scratched the surface of slang and catch phrases from my childhood. So let’s some from you childhood? And for the hell of it, what are you “all that and a bag of……(fill in the blank)”.