Blueberry Gnocchi with Balsamic Reduction and A Bummer Summer

I don’t do well with seasons.

(cue random food porn from today’s recipe)

 Living in Southern California most of my life, I’m used to 72 and breezy. A little below that and I bust out ear-muffs.  A little warmer and I feel like clearing out the fridge and setting up camp in there.

But this week it was especially hot. It was the 4th of July, un-potty-trained kids were loose, and I was reminded that summer can be a bit of an ass hole.

So lets break it down:

Too Hot for “Sexy Time” : For all the babies born 9 months from now: your parents DEFINITELY had air conditioning.  Sexy time (aka sex) in the summer can get sticky. So if you’ve woken up glued to someone else’s body and had the” balls” (pun intednded) to call them after, there’s probably something there.

Tweeting, Facebooking, Blogging about the weather: Ok, its a little hypocritical cause I just did it, but I hate when a season of extreme (winter, summer) hits and people feel the need to proclaim it.

“It SOOOOOO hot, you guys! You can literally fry an egg on the sidewalk. LOLZ!”

(again with the abuse of the word literally and no one should every “LOLZ” without sarcasm)

“Its SOOOOO cold, I can’t feel my penis!”

Um…I don’t really care. Stop littering my twitter/facebook feed about the weather. Are you seriously trying to compete with Al Roker?

 

School’s Out: Not only are kiddies fair game to be out and about any day of the week, all the teachers are off too, as are some companies, and the usual people that never had jobs but have money. This equates to lots of crowds. Someone once asked me,

“Hey!? You know what would be a cool idea! If we went to Disneyland in July!”

Yea, as much as I can appreciate a churro shaped like Micky Ears (and believe me, I can appreciate it!), guess you thought of the same idea? Everybody. With crowds and little children come bitchy parents and short tempers. Even churros shaped like Mikey can’t soothe that.

“Parties”: In the summer, people feel the need to throw what I like to call “cool parties”. They usually occur on rooftops or by a swimming pool. But these parties are anything but “cool” to me.  First of all you have to know someone who is in­volved with the party (yea a facebook invite doesn’t mean much these days). Secondly, getting drunk and puking off the roof or into the pool is frowned upon even if you do it intentionally. Third, its basically for guys to check out hot girls and for girls to size up other hot girls.

Scantily Clad Skinny Bitches: I know, usually people are like,

“Ew… I hate summer cause I dont want to see all the fat people in bikinis!”

Fuck you, if you say that. Seriously, all the more power to you for wearing a bikini despite all those fat haters (ie, wannabe anorexics).

Its the scantily clad skinny bitches that piss me off. I don’t need to be reminded that the last time you had fat was from your mom’s breast milk! I know its hot, and I’m not telling you skinny bitches to cover up (which you might do anyway since your always so damn cold). Just don’t dress like a hoochie and consider cookies!

What’s a “bummer” about your summer? If you saw that movie, “Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer”, I think you might be to young to be reading all the profanity on my blog. Close the window immediately and play with you my little pony collection. Cause yes, their butt does indeed smell like cake!

And since its summer is blueberry season, heres a recipe to make it a little less “bummer”:

• 2 large eggs, whisked together in a small bowl
• 2 cups plus a litte extra all purpose flour, plus a little more for dusting
• 16oz of whole milk or part skim ricotta
• 1 cup of frozen or fresh blueberries
• 1 3/4 tsp salt
• pinch ground nutmeg

Instructions

In a large bowl, mix together the flour, salt, and nutmeg. Mix in the ricotta. When the ricotta and flour are combined, add the egg. Mix until just combined, being careful not to over-mix. Take out of the bowl, knead once or twice until the ball of dough just holds together. Cut into 4 pieces.Roll each piece into a 3/4″ wide rope. Cut the ropes into 1″ long pieces. If the rope is sticking, sprinkle a little flour. Press each piece gently with the tines of a fork and boil in salted water.

When the gnocchi float, cook another minute and taste to make sure they are cooked through. Remove with a slotted spoon to the saute pan with the blueberry sauce.

For the blueberry balsamic sauce:

• 1/2 cup chicken stock
• 1 heaping cup ripe blueberries (can be frozen)
• 1 tablespoon aged balsamic vinegar
• 1 teaspoon dried thyme, crumbled
• 2 tbs orange juice
• 1 tablespoon cold butter
• Pinch kosher salt

Overmedium-high heat, pour in the chicken stock with the blueberries, orange juice, balsamic vinegar and thyme and stir.

When the berries begin to bubble, turn the heat to medium-low and stir for 1 minute.

Stir in the cold butter until it is incorporated and the sauce has thickened slightly.

Remove from the heat and pour over gnocchi.

The Other Disordered Things

The weird thing about eating disorders (besides the bizarro aversion to eating) is that they can manifest into weird little habits that don’t have a lot to do with actually ingesting (or lack of ingesting) food.

Most “normal” people have prepare a meal on a plate.

They sit down.

 Use a knife and fork to cut bite size (about 1 inchX 1inch) pieces, chew a few times, and swallow.

Then they go nap or back to work or go have crazy animal sex….I guess it depends on the meal…

Anyhow, some people do weird-ass things with their food. If you are offended because you do such things, dont fret. I used to do them too. Let’s examine some of these bizarro things:

Cut, cut, cut: when I first went into treatment, I was a little shocked that after the clients received their plates of food, they spent a good half part of the meal time just cutting their food into teeny tiny pieces.

its a fucking pretzel, just bite it already!

I dont get what they were trying to do. Make the meal last longer? Hope that they are cutting away some calories? Maybe hoping to burn calories by moving their knife to and fro? Anyhow, this cutting was noticed by staff and thank goodness, one day a therapist announced at the table: “OK, I’ll give you 30 seconds to cut what you need and then I’m taking away your knives!”. Bless that therapist. Because anymore of that sound of knives screeching on plates and my ears would begin to bleed.

Taste Explosion: I think when you restrict your calories drastically, your taste buds get funky. I noticed a lot of eating disordered people dousing gag-worthy amounts of spices and flavor enhancers on their food.

I'll have salt with a side of food please!

Of course, most of these flavor enhancers would have to be calorie free. DUH! But these would use about half a bottle of Mrs. Dash on their steamed veggies, a salt shaker’s worth of salt on their spinach, or a pound of cinnamon on their oatmeal. I think the lack of food makes them crave the crazy, intense sensations of calorie free spices and such. Anyhow, this is why I never trust an eating disordered chef. Or at least hide the spices from them.

Snail Pace Eating: Sure, “fast” eating is a precursor to a tummy ache, but if it takes you an hour to eat an apple, you have a problem (unless you are a worm, but I don’t think worms read blogs). In treatment, all our meals and snacks were timed. This was torture for those people who ate food at a somewhat normal pace because this forced them to sit at a table full of girls who are still picking off the sesame seeds of their barely-eaten-burger bun. I’m assuming the reasoning behind this is to “make the meal last”..but seriously, it’s all going in the same place! Eating is fun, but I mean, how long does it have to take?!

"take your time...I'll come back when you finish next year"

I’m not saying any of this is bad and its nothing to be ashamed of. It might just be how you eat. Its only bad if all these things get in the way of other “life” things. Like if your late for work because you’ve spent an hour chopping your breakfast. And I’ll admit, at my worst I too cut my peaches into teeny tiny pieces without rhyme or reason. And after seeing all these other behaviors in treatment, I’ve let my own behaviors go and I realized how meaningless they were too me.

Because in the end, a pretzel will be a pretzel no matter how you slice it.

Have you noticed strange eating habits you or others do? If you are a recovered “werid” eater like myself, what helped you change? And just cause I’m curious, what do you do after a meal. Go to work, go to school, go anywhere, crazy animal sex???

 

Good Giveaway Grief

Most folks in the blogosphere are familiar with blog contests and giveaways.  No matter what you blog about, a company or brand will eventually approach you to conduct a review and/or giveaway.

(SIDE NOTE: I’m still waiting to “review” the Dyson ball vacuum cleaner. Mainly because I would like a $600 genius vacuum for free).

I'm a nerd, and I want it!

I’ll admit it: when I first started blogging, I was excited to get “free” products for reviews and giveaways.  But after a while, I realized how lame it sort of is to “review” a commonly known cereal or something I could buy from CSN like a lamp:

Hey Blog friends! Today I have a lamp review! This lamp is so cool: you just flip a switch and its like the light bulb has a brilliant idea and it brightens up! Best of all, I can throw all my candles away because this lamp offers WAY more light! Off to do some chores since I won’t look like an effed up mime now that I’m living not living in the dark anymore!

And you never see god-awful reviews, do you?

Ok, guys….so I got this peanut butter tuna flavored protein bar to review. I want to say I like it cause it has a lot of protein, no carbs, and I got it fo free….but seriously, I think a foot just farted in my mouth!

You feel me?

And as far as giveaways go, as much of a Jew that I am, loving free loot, I feel like having a giveaway seems to benefit the brand or company more than me.

Allow me to explain:

– Giveaways Make Me Change My Standard Posts.

Not only do I have to provide detailed information about the product or service, but in many cases, the sponsor will demand specific information and links be included in the post as well. This means I can’t just write whatever I want, and it certainly means I need to pipe down on the cursing. No Beuno.

– Giveaways Make You Jump Through Hoops

On giveaway posts, there usually is some sort of obstacle course that the readers will have to endure if they want to win.

Come on guys!!!! I only want you to tweet, facebook, comment, and link back to me eight times!

They usually must respond to questions and promote the shit out of it on twitter, facebook, google plus (um, is anybody else overwhelmed by ANOTHER social media forum!). Who needs a workout? Just enter a giveaway!

– Giveaways Don’t Do Much For My Blog

Most people think that giveaways will increase their blog’s traffic and visibility.  True, that can happen temporarily, but hosting a giveaway does not guarantee long-term, sustainable traffic.

– Sponser Sometimes Suck and Dont Hold Up Their End of The Deal.

I’ve had this happen (sorry Julie!).  It doesn’t happen often, but it sucks when it does.  Not only did I spend a couple of weeks going back and forth trying to contact the sponsor to find out what happened, but the time I spent dealing with this issue took me away from more productive things like plucking my armpit hair!

– Giveaways Give Sponsers  “free advertising” for Minimal to No Costs.

There is sure to spark some debate.  Some bloggers won’t do reviews/giveaways without charging sponsors a fee.  Other bloggers feel that to charge a sponsor for a review/giveaway is unethical because it means that the blogger is being compensated to promote or positively review a product.  Everyone will have to make their own judgment call on this, but my feeling is that bloggers SHOULD be paid for their efforts by sponsers. They should also let the readers know they are being paid to write that a protein bar “taste so yummy!” when it really tastes like a foot farted in their mouth. 

 But again, make your own decisions about this…

Of course, since I’m a frugal yet benevolent Jew, I might do giveaways from time to time, depending on the product and my relationship with the company.  I’ve decided that the giveaways I host in the future will be very few because I think that I can get a better rate of return by just writing my usual shit…or by replying to online dating messages.

So here we are. This the part where you might expect to get the careful instructions about how to enter my giveaway. Sorry to disappoint, but no giveaway today (I know, you hate me). You can still like this post on facebook, mention this on twitter, and link to it on your blog 😉

But I’m curious to hear your thoughts about blog giveaways/reviews…  Do you enjoy them?  Or are they more trouble then they’re worth? Any protein bars you have tasted lately that taste like a foot farted in your mouth?

Balsamic Blueberry Blondies and American Pride

For those that browse my site for food porn, lets get it over with:

 

As promised from yesterday’s shit talk about American things, I’m trying to reverse my karma and offering thing that make me proud to be living in the US.

Bacon in Everything: I love America’s embrace of all things bacon. I know, some people are so sick of “bacon chocolate”, “bacon soap”, “bacon-flavored-condoms”…but I personally have no problem with the bacon obsession. What happens when we have to eat a “meh” food? We toss some bacon on it! Honestly, bacon made me love salad. Cause really, who craves salad? But mention bacon IN a salad and I’m there. And I think its kind of amazing that if you feed a pig vegetable, it makes bacon.

The Snuggie: Can you believe how hot these things became? But you know, one thing I really love about infomercials is that they remind me about problems I never knew I had! I saw the Snuggie commercial and realized just how incredibly difficult it was for many people to get their hands out from under a blanket! (“…when you need to reach for something your hands are trapped inside.”).

Fuck you, France! With your silly berets! They have no use! Dude, we invented the blanket with sleeves that you can even wear to sporting events. I’m sorry, but I see someone in a baret or a kilt and I just can’t take you seriously.

The Spork: Americans have this thing where they like to take an existing product and try to make it better. The spork is one I’m proud of. Its like the spoon and fork had crazy utensil sex and the spork was their love child (the knife is that lonely chic with the 10,000 cats).

what do they use for protection?

I really admire the spork! I can eat pasta, mashed potatoes, chili, and ice cream at the same time!!!! You can’t get any more American than that!

Dave Thomas: I wanted to pick just one person for this list. It’s not like it was that difficult because after some research, I realized most of my favorite people I thought were American are Canadian. Anyhow, I narrowed it down to the founder of one of America’s fast food chains, Wendy’s.

I know what you’re thinking:

“Eden?! WTF?! Why is the founder of some mediocre fast food chain your top American person?!”

My friends, he truly encompasses all that is American. Aside from inventing frosties and baconaters (and you know my thoughts on bacons), he actually put KFC on the map! Thanks to my Wikipedia research, I learned that it was Dave who let the Colonel on a little secret to help boost his business, suggesting less choices on the menu.  Cause real American’s don’t like too many choices. Thinking and eating are mutually exclusive. He also dropped out of high school, attended the army, and had two first names. I kind of want to go to go to Spain and wake them up from their “seista” and yell, “Hey, at least WE’VE got Frosties!!!”.

Mostly, I’m just bitter I dont get to take a nap after lunch.

For today’s recipe, I took something American (blueberries) and married it with something un-American (balsamic vinegar) and it made a crazy good love child.

Maybe even better than the spork!

To make them you will need:

• 1/3 cup unsalted butter, cut in pieces
• 8 ounces white chocolate, chopped
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• Pinch of salt

Balsamic Blueberry Topping:

• 1 cup blueberries
• 2 tbs sugar (for blueberry topping)
• 1 tbs orange juice (or lemon juice)
• 3 tbs of good balsamic vinegar

1. Preheat oven to 350° F.
2. Prepare the blueberry balsamic topping: in a small saucepan, bring the blueberry balsamic syrup ingredients to a boil.  Stir for one to two minutes and remove from heat.  Set aside.
3. Butter and line a 9-inch baking pan with butter/spray and parchment.
4. Place butter in a medium or large heat-proof bowl and put the bowl over a pot of simmering water, melt butter halfway.   Add half of the white chocolate and stir until chocolate has melted. Remove from heat and add in the remaining half of the white chocolate and stir until it’s all melted and smooth.
5. With an electric mixer on high speed beat sugar and eggs until thick (this will take 2-3 min)  Reduce mixer speed to medium and add vanilla and chocolate/butter mixture, and beat just to combine.
6. In a separate bowl, sift the dry ingredients.  Add to egg mixture and beat until smooth.
7. Pour batter into prepared pan and pour the balsamic coated blueberries on top.
8. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until a cake tester inserted into centre comes out clean.  Place on wire rack to cool completely.
9. Remove from pan and cut into squares.
10. go play with some fireworks, just not at 3am.

Cringe Worthy Americana

I know. American Independence day is not until tomorrow.

Hence I’m bashing American today. You know, incase karma decides to be ironic or something.

Anyhow, although there are things in this country that I’m thankful for (stay tuned for that list tomorrow), there are certainly things that don’t make me proud to be an American citzen.

And true to blogging format, I will present to you a list of things about America that make me cringe, fake a British accent, and pretend like I have no clue who snooki is.

Coke: Most people don’t know this, but there is a difference between every-country-in-the-world-coke and American Coke. In the American recipe the Coke is sweetened with corn syrup while its sweetened with sugar abroad.  Corn is great and all, but nothing beats good ol’ fashion sugar. I know, carbo-phobes and diabetics are already writing me their hate mail.  And call me crazy, but I find that even diet coke tastes better abroad! I remember sitting in cafe with my dad in Brussels thinking to myself,

“wow! his aspartame tastes different! Its tastes…..like a Belgian waffle!”

It didn’t hurt that I just ate a waffle…..

No Vacation Nation: People think American’s are fat and lazy. That’s half true because the average American worker only has 12 days of vacation a year and only half of them actually use it. How sad! I have family and friends that live in Holland and whenever we call them they are always on fucking vacation! I begin to wonder if they even have jobs. But they not only have jobs, they have nice houses, good food, plenty of days off work, and the most annoying part…they are fit and in shape!

Sororities and Fraternities: Maybe I’m biased cause I’m not blonde.

 But call me crazy, but I think they are just plain bad for your health! The binge drinking, the hazing, the vomitorium that I’m sure is popular among those sorority chicks (how else do they stay so skinny? I mean, besides not eating). I’m amazed people survive them! The only greek system that would ever embrace me would be “I ATE A PIE”.

Sitcom’s Audience That Laughs At Unfunny Stuff: You know why I love British sitcoms? Because there isn’t that fake audience laughter after line an actor delivers!

Remember this sitcom!? Exactly.

I feel like it’s as if the show is peer pressuring me;

“Laugh, dammit! Look! All the OTHER people are laughing! Our show is funny!!!!!”

And most of the time, its totally not funny. Not ever since Seinfeld signed off.

The Police: Our cops are weird. They have their own reality show for crying out loud! They pull you over for really harmless things and give you huge fines for heinous crimes like jaywalking! A cop once almost gave me a ticket for jaywalking! He asked for my ID and I was like:

“Ummm, I live like a block away, I was just going to drop off the mail. Do you want my jean size? ”

Lucky for me, I’m a lady I managed to ge him let me off with a “warning”. And I guess I better tattoo my ID onto my lower back! At least its more useful than a dolphin…

Celebrities That Don’t Have Jobs: Americans love giving attention to rich, unemployed, attention whores. People like Paris Hilon, Kim Kardashian, Ke$ha (yes, I know she “works” but her name sounds like a fucking password!).

Yea...she's one of our finest

I guess it’s because we don’t have royalty. But couldn’t we at least choose someone classy but witty?! Like Jon Stewart?

Oh right, he’s Canadian.

If you are American, what American things make you cringe? If you aren’t American, what makes you cringe from wherever you’re from?

Screwed Up Animals

Sometime, I’m so over food. Gasp and get over it.

So today, I’m talking about animals.

I have plenty to say about animals that are sweet and cuddly. But thats no fun. Since talking shit about people is mean, I’m gonna talk (or write, rather) shit about animals. I need to credit Animal Planet, National Geographic, and Sesame Street for all of this animal knowledge. So here’s my list of screwed up animals:

Lions: Mr and Mrs SmoothieGirl and I went to see this brilliant film called “African Cats” a few months ago. What this movie taught me was that lions are the douche bags of the animal kingdom. Don’t be fooled by Narnia or Simba, male lions are (cue the word I hate to use) literally “motherfuckers”.

horny bastard

 You see, male lions are out to rape all the other female lions. And if little lion cubs or any other animals are in the way, they will maul them to death. To pour salt on the wound, they will then proceed to bone the mother until they tire out. Fuckers.

Woolly Mammoth: What a funny animal this is.

But I don’t understand some technical things about the name of this animal. Like, why the “woolly”? Is just saying “mammoth” really vague? Oh wait, I know! It’s so you don’t get confused with the “corduroy” or “silk”  mammoth. And since these animals are basically extinct, I have heard people call arm pits that have jungle inspired, ungroomed hair “woolly mammoth pits”. How precious.

Walruses: I’m just confused by these animals. I think god got lazy when he created the walrus. I’m sure he was thinking:

Ah fuck, I need to create another animal! Ugh…I’m out of ideas! I know! I’ll just throw together a bunch of different animals in one! It will be like the greatest hits of animals. I’ll make a hybrid of an elephant, a fish, a seal, a mammoth and Burt Reynolds !

 

Hippos: We often joke how eating carbs or whatever will transform us into hippos (which I never understood since when is the last time you saw a hippo chow down on a croissant?). Or we think, “Oh, they are so silly and cute! They look so jolly and squishy!!!”.

But thanks to national geographic, animal planet, and my 9th grade science class, I’ve learned that hippos actually kill more people per year than any animal in Africa!

gahhh!!!!!

Dude, that’s so mean!  So yea, I’m more terrified of being mauled by a hippo than turning into one through pastries.

Dolphins: We love dolphins. We go out of our way to check tuna cans for fucks sake to make sure we never harm these precious creatures. Well guess what I learned from animal planet? Marine biologists noticed mangled, dead baby dolphins and porpoises were washing up ashore. And no, it was not the canned tuna folks that committed this dolphinicide. It was the Bottlenose Dolphins. These breed of dolphins were apparently beating them to death and then playing with their corpses.  And for no apparent reason! Its not like they ate them! They just left them there, just a fun thing to do on a saturday night. I can just imagine that dolphin conversation:

dolphin #1: Hey, ugh….what do you want to do tonight?

dolphin #2: I dunno….oh wait! You know what would be totally rad? If we beat the shit out of a baby dolphin and played with his corpse like a hacky sack!

dolphin #1: LOL!!! (yea, these dolphins “lol”)That sounds like so much fun!!!!

And to think that half of the sorority girls at my college tattooed these sick fucks on their lower backs!

 

Classy

 So do you know any crazy animals? I know some crazy humans, but I’ll get hate mail if I spill about them.

Cocoa Crepes and Why We Are Attracted to Pretty People

You may have noticed I changed my gravatar lately.

Yes, I know. I’m so hot.

 I’d totally get boner if I was man….Oh wait, I am one! (cue the creepy emoticon)  😉

That same day, I left my hair and make up on and went to my usual grocery store and was hit on about three times. Yea, I know, who can blame them….but I also felt like I was treated differently. I had like 40 items in the express line and they all let me go. The man behind me looked older than my dad and asked me if I was texting my boyfriend on my phone to which I replied “I’m texting my mister”.

Infidelities aside, this made me wonder about appearances, and how other people respond to them.

When I was in middle school,  I was incredibly shallow. I’ll admit it, I wanted to be friends with pretty people. I was friends with some fugly looking people, but they had to earn it. They had to have been exceptionally kind or funny or something to make up for the fact that their face looked like a foot.

I know, I was an ass hole.

But the truth is, whether or not we admit it, we respond to things that attract us. I read somewhere (and whenever anybody says, “I read somewhere..” I think they’re lying but I swear I am not) that they surveyed employers and they noticed they were more likely  to employ people who looked more attractive. And these jobs didn’t center around appearances (like modeling or ugh…standing at the entrance to an Abercrombie and Fitch).

I really pray that girl farted

I sometimes wonder if the same works for blogs. Do we read some blogs because we like the way someone looks? Do we think their body is toned and hence we are curious what they eat (or more accurately, what they don’t eat…or puke, although I doubt they will tell you about that).

wow, you really let yourself go there

Nowadays, I think I’m the total opposite of how I used to judge people. Now, I think I’m mean and bitter towards skinny, pretty, “put-together” people when I first meet them. Not like I outlaw them as having any potential of being my friends, but they have to earn my love and respect. The same attitude I used to have towards people whose face resembled a foot.

I have a similar attitude towards me. If you are a gorgeous man, I assume you have a brain the size of a kiwi. I tend to actually crush on super nerdy guys. Don’t get me wrong. Ryan Reynolds can fuck me anytime, anywhere! But I would never marry such a man. I’m more on the level of Michael Cera or even that guy who played Mark Zuckerberg in the “Social Network”. I think I’m attracted to guys that can look like they can fix my computer….

Anyhow, I want to say to you that, “beauty is on the inside” and that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. And it totally is, BUT…………

let’s be real, your life is a tad harder when you look like a foot. And even worse when you smell like one too.

And if you’re wondering how I feel about myself, I’ll tell you this:

I don’t think downright fugly. I don’t look so hot in between the hours of 10 pm-9am but after a good nights sleep, washed hair, a little cover up and mascara and I look decent. I will never turn heads because I can’t have my make up and hair done like a sex pot everyday. But I know that I have potential to give myself boner 😉 

So I’m curious to hear from you on this topic? Do you find yourself being a little biased towards “better looking” people? Do you think you are good-looking?

And on to the edible portion of the program. I’ve been really feeling for my friend Amanda who found out she can’t have gluten anymore. So I’ve decided to make share my recipe for gluten free cocoa crepes. Dont worry Amanda, this isn’t a death sentence.

1 coconut or canola oil

1/4 cup milk or water

3 tbs cocoa powder

2 tbs sugar or sugar substitute

1/8 tsp sea salt

1 tbsp tapioca flour

2 tbsp coconut flour

4 eggs (or 1 cup egg substitute)

 

Heres the hard part. blend or mix. I sometimes make a big batch and put the mix in the fridge and when I want to make some, I just blend it again and get it on the griddle.

Grease the pan well between each egg crepe with some oil.

Pour your batter so that there is about an inch remaining between the crepe and the outside of the pan.

Lift the pan and swirl the batter around, to fill in the extra space slightly.L et the crepe sit on the first side for about 30 seconds. (you may need more or less time, depending on how hot your pan is)

Flip your crepe (I used my fingers, I suggest you use a spatula) and wait only a few seconds, then roll it up or fold it. Makes about 6 crepes or one Eden serving (maybe two normal people servings). I ate this with cherry yogurt and strawberries, so thats what the other stuff in the picture is.

 

Caramel Cookies and How To Look Poor

After writing this post, I’ve decided to actually tackle some taboo topics.

I have tons to say about poo, but I’m saving that for another time.

Today, I’m gonna tell you how rich people like to pretend to be poor.

I went to a very expensive high school. Most of my classmates were rich. Some were “make-me-want-to-puke-because-you-have-a-butler-and-a-private-jet” rich. But I was on scholarship, and paid about 1/40 of the normal tuition. It was not unusual for some girl at my high school to ask me,

“you go here? you don’t look rich!” (I kid you not, this totally happened!)

Now don’t get me wrong. I had what I needed, but not everything I wanted. I’m not living on the streets, but I know what its like to struggle with finances. And so before you read any further, I should warn you that I don’t REALLY know what its like to be poor. I joke that I’m poor. But I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I’m not shopping at whole foods, but I’m also not shopping the dumpster. So like always, take what I write with a grain of kosher salt.

Oh dear…

With the economy being a little limp, it’s suddenly become so trendy to look poor. People pay lots of money to look poor! They will go to hippie concerts like Coachella and not shower for a week so they can mingle with other “poor” civilians. There are very few rich people left, so it might be very lonely to be rich these days.

Fear no more, I have tips to help you achieve that “I’m poor” look:

Mismatched Clothes: Poor people have to make do with the treasures they find in a dumpster or what a shelter might give them. So that may be magenta leggings with flannel overalls and LA gear sneakers where the lights don’t work.

Give Up Some Of Your Recreational Sports: Let me tell you something: poor people don’t ski, sail, horseback ride, or scuba dive. Did you ever hear a kid from an inner city school say,

“Yo, I’m goin to Vail to hit up the slopes!”

Yea. Those sports involve money. Your gonna have to participate in activities that don’t cost 900 bucks in just apparel and gear (let alone lift tickets). I would try basketball, hand ball, even jacks with some stolen sugar packets. Now that sounds like a fun but modest activity!

Don’t Shop At Target: A lot of my rich friends will be all,

“I’m so poor! I shop at TARGET for crying out loud!!!!”

Shut up. Everyone shops at target. I saw Leonardo DiCaprio at Target with his hot, skinny girlfriend (no, I’m SOOOO not jealous of her).

Shopping at places other than Saks or Barney’s does not make you appear poor. Poor people don’t shop. They window shop. Even on itunes.

Bottom Line: If you are reading this, you probably aren’t poor. There is nothing wrong with having money. And if you do have money, don’t try to pretend like you don’t. Just don’t be pretentious and feel free to be generous.

At least by the homeless a pair of LA gears with lights that work.

Or at the very least, buy me a pony.

Are you shy about your financial situation? Do you ever act like you have more/less than you do to “fit in”? Will you buy me a pony?

So I have no brilliant transition into today’s recipe. I just found a package of caramels that I got I got in a gift basket from like seven years ago.

Caramels dont go bad, right? Oh well, these cookies were still excellent. If I don’t post tomorrow, the caramels were for sure bad. And…ugh…call my dad. Tell him I love him.

So recreate a possibly less toxic version you will need:

• 1/2 cup oatmeal
• 1/2 cup all-purpose or coconut flour
• 1/2 cup sugar or sweetener of choice
• 2 tbs peanut butter
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup milk of choice
• 1 egg
• 8-10 caramels

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Grind up the oatmeal and sugar in a coffee grinder/magic bullet/foodprocessor/blender. That way you get like a powdered sugar oatmeal. This is good shit!

Anyhow, mix all the ingredients up with a mixer or if you want to go “hobo” like me, a plastic fork I stole from 7 eleven (no joke, its what I used. Our washing machine is broken and yes, I’m losing sleep over that). Once all is mix form into small balls and place on a greased cookie sheet. Unwrap a caramel and place it in the center of the cookie dough. Bake for about 10-15 min. The caramel will spill over and burn a little. But its yummy that way. Makes 8-10 cookies.

Garlic Bread Socca and The Scary Side of Overexercise

I sometimes ponder to myself how I EVER had an exercise addiction. How did I manage to haul my lazy ass-less ass to the germ-infused gym for so many hours and not contract some sort of STD?!

How the fuck did this happen?

Because the truth is, exercising can also be a little scary. There are tons of fitness blogs that will try to convince you otherwise (and I’m prepared for the hate mail I’ll receive), but trust me, it can do some crazy ass shit.

Not good shit. Bad shit.

Examples? I’ll give em to ya:

You Become A Sweat Fountain: Over exercise, and you might constantly look like there is a localized rainfall around your body. There actually is science behind this. As you increase your exercise intensity and duration, you condition your body to be better prepared for nazi athletic punishment. So even a little exercise an you’ll become a sweat fountain. A mere walk up the stairs and your body will go:

“Really, Eden!? Another stair-a-thon?! Oh well we better cool you off pronto by making your body look like its crying!”.

And no amount of deodorant will cover up that stink bomb.

Body Parts Will Go On Strike and Get Ugly: I’m sure 99.9% of you do exercise cause you want to look hot. Don’t be in denial. No one honestly loves spinning. They love feeling skinny and that’s what spinning might do to them. To each his own. Anyhow, you may think you look great in a bathing suit, but the truth is, if you overexercise, some body parts will go:

“Eff you, bitch! I’m being abused and I will get ugly!”

Oh, yes they will.

Exhibit A: Feet- Go ahead and burn your sandals/flip flops because the sight of your toes will look scarier than a Kim Kardashian sex tape.

you'll need a pair of these....

Manicurists will totally talk shit about your toes in a language you won’t understand. Actually, you might have no toenails at all.   Your feet will be calloused, smelly, and they call it “athletes foot” for a reason. Think about it…

Exhibit B: Nipples- God, I hate that word! I’m not saying “nipples”, I’m saying “utters”. Anyhow, girls get some leeway here since most sports bras wick away moisture. But when men sweat, they leave behind a layer of salt around their “utters” . And that combined with utters rubbing against a shirt….anyhow, you end up with bloody utters! Now that, is scary, ugly shit that cows will so not be jealous of!

Exhibit C: Chafing- Because nothing is as attractive and classy as a rash that resembles something you contract on a safari between your thighs.

You Reproductive System Will Hate You: For the three guys that read my blog, engaging in sustained physical effort cause your genitals to shrink. I know, I think this is why Cheryl Crow broke up with Lance Armstrong.

Ladies: Too much exercise and you period will scram. And that sounds like a dream and all, but you period is kind of important. Your bones will become brittle and more prone to fractures so you REALLY won’t be able to exercise.

But all in all, I guess being skinny, brittle, hairless and unable to become pregnant makes you a real catch for the douche population.

So there, I found an exercise silver lining after all!

Did I miss a side effect?

And maybe your sick of my little socca kick from last week. But tough shit cause I have a bag hanging around and I’m gonna use it up because I’m a cheap Jew that can’t throw away food, dammit!

For the “Garlic Bread Socca” you will need:

• 1 cup  chickpea flour
• 1 cup water
• 3 cloves finely minced garlic
• 3/4 teaspoon sea salt
• 1/8 teaspoon thyme
• 1/2 tbs dried oregano
• 2 tsp dried basil
• 2 tablespoons olive oil

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

 Mix together the wet and dry ingredients.
Pour the batter into a greased pan (I used a loaf pan but a cast iron skillet is the one most people use). Bake until the socca is firm, about 25 min. 5. Slide the socca out of the pan onto a cutting board, slice. I like adding a bit of salt a garlic powder onces its all slices up.

Blog Posts I Want You To Write

I have a feeling most of my readers think I’m a whiny, wanna-be humorist with noting to do but make fun of people.

Boy are they right….mostly.

I’ve whined about blogs before, and I’m certain some of you think:

“Eden! Stop fucking complaining! If EVERYTHING annoys you, why dont you tell us what you want to read from blogs!”.

Ok.

Here you go:

Shit/Poo: Is “shit” making you uncomfortable because its profanity? Fine. I’ll use poo.

 Happy? Now listen up:no one ever writes about poo. But we do it everyday (or at least we should…) and I’d like to see a blogger write about their poos and poo adventures. Maybe they can do a run down of the different kinds:

“ghost poo; when you feel the it come out, but there is no evidence in the toilet”

or

“SURPRISE poo; You’re not even at the toilet because you’re positive its merely a fart, but….surprise…….a poo!!!”

or

“Corn Poo; enough said”

Sexy Time: Ever since I saw Borat, I’ve replaced gross words like “coitus” with “sexy time”.

Anyhow, its totally understandable why people would hesitate to write about their sex lives. For one, I’m sure their partner would have a stroke if they found out their sex lives were being gossiped about on the internet. I bet this is an effective way to sympathize with Charlie Sheen. Plus, its taboo to talk about “sexy time” unless you’re with your therapist or OBGYN. However, I think it would be entertaining and refreshing for someone to write up a post titled: “10 Way My Hubs and I Keep It Exiting On Our 30,000 Thread Count Sheets!”

And if they do so I’ll forgive them for using the word “hubs”.

Processed Pleasures: I’d like for someone out there to please blog about their latest Value Meal purchase from McDonalds. PLEASE!

Um....I know people poo poo Mcdonalds, but this looks delicious to me. I'm so lovin it.

 And maybe throw in a cheese whiz and a fried twinkie for good measure. I pinky swear it won’t give you a stroke!

Being Rich and Privileged: Funny enough, everyone likes to pretend they’re poor.

This is awful because it makes actual poor people like myself have high standards to live up to. The thing is, there are more penny pinchers out there reading blogs so even rich bloggers will poke fun at “how cheap they are that they shop at target” (har-har-har!). Or, they’ll write a post on how to whip up a beautiful dinner for 30 for under $30! For once, I’d like for a rich blogger to write, “I’m loaded, my Visa Black Card is tired, and I wouldn’t be caught dead as a sardine in economy class on my way to our villa in Monaco!!!”. Then again, I bet “the help” write the blog anyhow…

In the meantime, I’ll gladly dispense hobo tips like how to redecorate your box/home. Or how to get those skid marks off your toilet from the “Pop-A-Vein-On-You-Head-Poo”. Trust me, those tips are handy!

So, fellow bloggers out there, please write about one of these topics. All your usage of annoying cute words (yummers, amazeballs, etc…) will be forgotten. And for the readers out there, are there any topics YOU wish people would write about?