The Food Product Bitches I Love and Loathe

Being a food mascot is a fairly important job.

It requires you to have something that’s very hard to get out of most people: trust.

They are basically some food product’s bitch that must recruit civilans (ie, us) into buying whatever they are pimping. Kind of like “food product missionaries”.

Since us bloggers love our lists, I thought I would list my favorite and least favorite food-product-bitches (“mascots” is SO 2010):

Favorites!

Jack in the Box: Sure, its a little creepy that he has a body of a human and head of a giant white beach ball, but I love how far advertisers have gone with the development of that charcter. Last year, Jack got hit by a bus during the Super Bowl commercials. The ad launched a series of hilarious Jack in the Box ads, chronicling his tragic accident.

 Thank Gosh my only favorite clown-head (cause clowns in general freak me out) survived and is still on the ends of car radio anteneas.

The Cocoa-Cola Polar Bears: I don’t know why I love them, but I’ve always thought those bears gave coke a little “vintagey” or “classy” edge.

Maybe its because they’re usually seen drinking out of the old-fashioned glass coke bottles. I even had two stuffed cocoa-cola bears as a kid with a tiny plastic coke bottle attached. I think I also like the fact that these bears will never be caught dead drinking diet coke. Yep, they have great body image.

Mrs. Butterworth: Mainly, I like that “butter” is part of her name. And I’d imagine if I ever had a fairy godmother, it would be her.

 Making breakfast special, one pancake/waffle at a time. It makes me wonder why there is no “Mr. Butterworth”….or maybe shes gay with Aunt Jamima.

Worst

Mayor McCheese:As much as I love McDonalds, all of their mascots suck. I won’t even get into Rondald McDonald and I don’t care if he has a great charity that sends kids who have cancer to camp ( as good as those intentions might be, that sounds like torture). But Mayor McCheese will child to wonder how delicious their own head must be. Really, McDonalds? You’d expect a political figure in a major economic power like McDonaldland to be a better role model. But he’s such an ass hole!

A sash is a dead giveaway he's corrupted

 

Think about it: how does a lifelong criminal like the Hamburglar escape from prison? I mean, in a land where 90% of the populace is a food item themselves? But for some reason the police force can’t wrangle the most incompetent (yet persistent) criminal of all time. Smells like corruption to me. Plus never dressed an adult with a sash (beauty queens included).

Colonel Sanders: First off, he looks like a dapper dressed, Southern slave owner that doesn’t like Lincoln too much. Plus, I think he looks like his face is melting.

And I get the feeling he’s a pervert. It all just doesn’t add up to good chicken and hence I’ve never been to a KFC.

Mr. Peanut: A monocle is a sure sign of a sketchy person. 

It’s like he knows something that you don’t know or he’s undressing you with his eyes. And why that giant top-hat? Is he hiding someone in there? Another peanut? Maybe an almond? Maybe a condom?  Mr. Peanut is one just one of those guys that make you want to carry pepperspray and a rape whistle.

The “Skinny Cow”: Ok, with all do respect to cows, when I think “skinny” I dont think abot cows. And frankly, I dont want my cows to be “skinny”.

Seriously! A tape measure? Look at that waist! Does she not eat grass (too carby?)! This doesn’t make me feel like if I’ll eat a skinny cow treat I’ll be “skinny”. It makes me think cows need to go to rehab.

I could go on and on. But I know attention spans are short and you probably only read 50% of this if I’m lucky. Do what are your favortie/least favorite food mascots?