The Food Product Bitches I Love and Loathe

Being a food mascot is a fairly important job.

It requires you to have something that’s very hard to get out of most people: trust.

They are basically some food product’s bitch that must recruit civilans (ie, us) into buying whatever they are pimping. Kind of like “food product missionaries”.

Since us bloggers love our lists, I thought I would list my favorite and least favorite food-product-bitches (“mascots” is SO 2010):

Favorites!

Jack in the Box: Sure, its a little creepy that he has a body of a human and head of a giant white beach ball, but I love how far advertisers have gone with the development of that charcter. Last year, Jack got hit by a bus during the Super Bowl commercials. The ad launched a series of hilarious Jack in the Box ads, chronicling his tragic accident.

 Thank Gosh my only favorite clown-head (cause clowns in general freak me out) survived and is still on the ends of car radio anteneas.

The Cocoa-Cola Polar Bears: I don’t know why I love them, but I’ve always thought those bears gave coke a little “vintagey” or “classy” edge.

Maybe its because they’re usually seen drinking out of the old-fashioned glass coke bottles. I even had two stuffed cocoa-cola bears as a kid with a tiny plastic coke bottle attached. I think I also like the fact that these bears will never be caught dead drinking diet coke. Yep, they have great body image.

Mrs. Butterworth: Mainly, I like that “butter” is part of her name. And I’d imagine if I ever had a fairy godmother, it would be her.

 Making breakfast special, one pancake/waffle at a time. It makes me wonder why there is no “Mr. Butterworth”….or maybe shes gay with Aunt Jamima.

Worst

Mayor McCheese:As much as I love McDonalds, all of their mascots suck. I won’t even get into Rondald McDonald and I don’t care if he has a great charity that sends kids who have cancer to camp ( as good as those intentions might be, that sounds like torture). But Mayor McCheese will child to wonder how delicious their own head must be. Really, McDonalds? You’d expect a political figure in a major economic power like McDonaldland to be a better role model. But he’s such an ass hole!

A sash is a dead giveaway he's corrupted

 

Think about it: how does a lifelong criminal like the Hamburglar escape from prison? I mean, in a land where 90% of the populace is a food item themselves? But for some reason the police force can’t wrangle the most incompetent (yet persistent) criminal of all time. Smells like corruption to me. Plus never dressed an adult with a sash (beauty queens included).

Colonel Sanders: First off, he looks like a dapper dressed, Southern slave owner that doesn’t like Lincoln too much. Plus, I think he looks like his face is melting.

And I get the feeling he’s a pervert. It all just doesn’t add up to good chicken and hence I’ve never been to a KFC.

Mr. Peanut: A monocle is a sure sign of a sketchy person. 

It’s like he knows something that you don’t know or he’s undressing you with his eyes. And why that giant top-hat? Is he hiding someone in there? Another peanut? Maybe an almond? Maybe a condom?  Mr. Peanut is one just one of those guys that make you want to carry pepperspray and a rape whistle.

The “Skinny Cow”: Ok, with all do respect to cows, when I think “skinny” I dont think abot cows. And frankly, I dont want my cows to be “skinny”.

Seriously! A tape measure? Look at that waist! Does she not eat grass (too carby?)! This doesn’t make me feel like if I’ll eat a skinny cow treat I’ll be “skinny”. It makes me think cows need to go to rehab.

I could go on and on. But I know attention spans are short and you probably only read 50% of this if I’m lucky. Do what are your favortie/least favorite food mascots?

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40 thoughts on “The Food Product Bitches I Love and Loathe

  1. The Pillsbury Doughboy is both adorable and annoying at the same time. I don’t know whether to poke his belly or stuff him in between two graham crackers and go to smores town.

  2. Mayor who? Never heard of him, seriously!

    Creepy hamburger helper hand. yuk. And I’m on the fence about the gecko with the british accent. I never liked the Bud frogs- they were weird. There was some funny ad with a baby talking to a computer but obviously it wasn’t effective enough for me to remember the product.

  3. This has been a fascinating insight into American food advertising 😀 Australia is a little less adventurous I think (or perhaps I’m just used to our products / ads)…the only one we have is skinny cow, which only appeared on the market a year or so ago. And the ice cream tastes ick.

  4. Ronald McDonald and the creepy-ass Burger King. Those dudes give me nightmares, and not just because of the food. I also don’t enjoy Jared from Subway or the Jolly Green Giant-both are kind of scary and don’t remind me of food.
    I agree I’m on the fence about the Pillsbury Dough Boy and I don’t mind the M&Ms or Keebler Elves. They’re kind of cute.

      • I actually don’t mind Jared. He did come a long way with his weight loss and he’s not some model that needs to be ripped. And as a mascot, better him than a creepy clown. Although I wonder if subway paid him in sandwiches…

      • That was more of a stab at Subway than at Jared. I respect anyone who can lose that much weight (and I do watch The Biggest Loser). But Jared did regain some weight, and Subway stopped promoting its healthier sandwiches in favor the five-dollar foot-long, so the whole healthful image kinda went out the window. They also do offer a kids meal with a small sandwich, apples, and milk, but I’ve never seen it promoted. And the bread options are all basically the same: white bread with various degrees of spray tanning. Watching Subway try to invent and reinvent itself is kinda like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

  5. I agree : I hate Skinny Cow — and I love: the Coca Cola bears! But I like Mayor McCheese too. His name just cracks me up. And he looks like he’d be a complete douche with the sash, strange hat and striped pants.

    I HATE HATE HATE the Snuggle laundry detergent bear. That thing haunts my dreams. Wait! What I hate even more are those Charmin bears who can’t wipe correctly and leave toilet paper scraps on their butts.

  6. The Kool Aid dude always scared me – busting in on kids like a crazy man! And I’ll probably be flamed in blog land, but the Quaker Oatmeal man freaks me out – his eyes just follow you from the canister. Other ones I don’t care for were Count Chocula and the FrankenBerry dude. Little Debbie is sort of OK.

    But I like Mr. Owl, the Tootsie Pop mascot (and I suspect Janetha does too).
    I also like Pilsbury doughboy and the StayPuft Marshmallow man (loved the ginormous version in Ghostbusters!). I like Snap Crackle and Pop as well as the Campbell soup kids, they look like cherubs. The Morton salt girl was pretty cool but I think she’s obsolete now (showing my age!)

  7. I cannot stand that skinny cow either – please don’t pose like that!!

    I LOVE the Geico Caveman. I haven’t seen him lately, but I loved that guy. the one where he’s in the airport and the soft music is playing as he glides along on the moving walkway…

    the eTrade baby is awesome too.

    and I’m with Holly – the bears who leave tp on their butt and the snuggle bear. please STOP.

  8. ahhahaa I forgot about some of these! Memory lane! I don’t even know if I remember Mayor McCheese but he skeeves me out.

    Yes. The colonel is a perv. He just has to be.

    My least favorite is the Burger King Man. WTF. I had nightmares.

  9. America-America. Do we not live in La-La Land??? Yes. For sure. It’s all about free-enterprise. The cartoon-goons are well ….. weird …. they are supposed to be the salespersons. Ugh. So, if you want to believe in the goods …. go ahead ….. buy these products. Your choice. Personally, I have not been a loyal customer to any of the above marketers. Possibily, years ago, that peanut fella. For countless years our families shop in bulk-bins. More reasonable, plus, you don’t have to put up with the horrid advertisements.

  10. ugh i’m pissed you didn’t win! bullshit.

    anyways i’m pretty much obsessed with the coke polar bears. i live for those commercials and i also secretly want to marry orville reddenbacher

  11. i used to want mrs. butterworth to come to my birthday party…with waffles of course. And I’ve always wondered, what do you think Mrs. Baird(s) looks like? hmmmm…

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