Sometimes, I’m so creatively constipated that all the prunes, fiber, and laxatives can’t induce anything remotely blog-worthy (or even twitter worthy..but I had some enlightening thoughts today on butter that my three followers know about).
Fear not, readers! This is why I have an online dating account! For me to post up the best messages I got sent this week, for me to answer them, and for the rest of you to hopefully not die of boredom. So let me provide you with a “boregasm” by answering this week’s letters:
Hi , nice to meet ya 😉
im jewish too !
I messaged you because firstly you are cute !
secondly you are close to my location
thirdly from what I read from your profile you seem like a nice girl
p.s I am tall, which is a good thing right ? lol
so how have you been ?
Boy, you sure love counting. So let me answer you in a format you might feel more comfortable with:
Firstly, cute??? CUTE?! Your little sister is “cute”, koalas are “cute”, ewoks are “cute”, I even think minibars are “cute”…..but I am none of those (especially a minibar…I cant regurgitate overpriced cashews). So don’t call me “cute”.
Secondly, close to your location? Clearly you live on mars and I live on
Thirdly, me? Nice? That’s hilarious, I think I peed and pooped a little.
Fourthly, being “Jewish” totally negates the benefits of you being tall.
PS: fun fact: every time a guy says, “lol” his vagina get’s a wee bit tighter
Good morning, how are you? my name is Moe and im just looking for a friendly conversation.
Good Morning indeed! But if you really want friendly conversation I suggest you catch me at later hours since “good” and “morning” never equate to anything “friendly”. Friendly conversation never happens before 12 pm. I also close up shop at 5pm. Come to think of it, I’m not open for friendly conversation very often….I’m like a bank that’s always unavailable when you need it. I also steal you money, much like a bank. Did I mention I’m a Jew? Hence I probably should start lending money too. Anyhow, I gotta go make a deposit in the toilet.
P.S. Discount everything I just wrote to you if your last name happens to be “Joe”. Because I think it would be pretty awesome if I started dating a “Moe Joe”.
Hey your profile made me chuckle. About three times. Which is pretty awesome. You seem cool and it’d be fun to get to know you…. do you have a cooking style? Do you humor amateur cooks when we talk of food?
Reading your message, I farted three time (chilli night!). And that’s NOT so awesome. Cooking style? I dunno, I usually just wear my yoga pants because it makes me feel “athletic”. And I don’t humor amateur cooks. I just point and laugh.
Tying in to the “constipated” theme from before, I feel like the comments on Saturdays are kind of “constipated”. So all three of you probably reading this, don’t be shy….give me your message to one of my suitors.