Sorry guys.
Sometimes, I’m so creatively constipated that all the prunes, fiber, and laxatives can’t induce anything remotely blog-worthy (or even twitter worthy..but I had some enlightening thoughts today on butter that my three followers know about).
Fear not, readers! This is why I have an online dating account! For me to post up the best messages I got sent this week, for me to answer them, and for the rest of you to hopefully not die of boredom. So let me provide you with a “boregasm” by answering this week’s letters:
Hi , nice to meet ya 😉
im jewish too !
I messaged you because firstly you are cute !
secondly you are close to my location
thirdly from what I read from your profile you seem like a nice girlp.s I am tall, which is a good thing right ? lol
so how have you been ?
-CreepyJewishGuy
Dear CreepyJewishGuy,
Boy, you sure love counting. So let me answer you in a format you might feel more comfortable with:
Firstly, cute??? CUTE?! Your little sister is “cute”, koalas are “cute”, ewoks are “cute”, I even think minibars are “cute”…..but I am none of those (especially a minibar…I cant regurgitate overpriced cashews). So don’t call me “cute”.
Secondly, close to your location? Clearly you live on mars and I live on venus pluto.
Thirdly, me? Nice? That’s hilarious, I think I peed and pooped a little.
Fourthly, being “Jewish” totally negates the benefits of you being tall.
-Eden
PS: fun fact: every time a guy says, “lol” his vagina get’s a wee bit tighter
Good morning, how are you? my name is Moe and im just looking for a friendly conversation.
– Moe
Dear Moe,
Good Morning indeed! But if you really want friendly conversation I suggest you catch me at later hours since “good” and “morning” never equate to anything “friendly”. Friendly conversation never happens before 12 pm. I also close up shop at 5pm. Come to think of it, I’m not open for friendly conversation very often….I’m like a bank that’s always unavailable when you need it. I also steal you money, much like a bank. Did I mention I’m a Jew? Hence I probably should start lending money too. Anyhow, I gotta go make a deposit in the toilet.
-Eden
P.S. Discount everything I just wrote to you if your last name happens to be “Joe”. Because I think it would be pretty awesome if I started dating a “Moe Joe”.
Hey your profile made me chuckle. About three times. Which is pretty awesome. You seem cool and it’d be fun to get to know you…. do you have a cooking style? Do you humor amateur cooks when we talk of food?
– Mr.Chuckles
Dear Mr.Chuckles,
Reading your message, I farted three time (chilli night!). And that’s NOT so awesome. Cooking style? I dunno, I usually just wear my yoga pants because it makes me feel “athletic”. And I don’t humor amateur cooks. I just point and laugh.
-Eden
Tying in to the “constipated” theme from before, I feel like the comments on Saturdays are kind of “constipated”. So all three of you probably reading this, don’t be shy….give me your message to one of my suitors.
Eden's Eats 
This whole thing reminds me of a random story, so I’m telling it:
My parents used to read the dating ads to each other, just for fun. So my mom decided, as a joke, to put in an ad that was extremely specific and obviously applied pretty much only to my dad.
Unfortunately, there was one other man in the universe that it applied to. And he found it. And wrote to my mom, extremely excited (I mean, he was lonely and fulfilled all twenty-eight million criteria). She felt awful. And he was very nice about it, which probably made it worse, because being mean to mean people is at least fun sometimes.
I find being nice to people is often the least fun. Explains why I have a lot of friends.
Funny stuff! I can’t hang with any *straight* guy who uses LOL or an emoticon. I love living vicariously through your online dating stories!
Chili night?! I die! Mr. Chuckles sounds like a winner.
Moe Joe is the best one.. hands down. I would be so jealous if you were dating somebody with that name.
Three chuckles?! THREE? You deserve more chuckles than that. I chuckled at least 8 times reading this one.
Bon jour mon petit. Je m’appelle Bradley Cooper. J’ai une langue de huit pouces et je peux respirer par mes oreilles. Je pense que je pourrais tomber follement au coucher avec vous.
Bull-merde
Sent from my iPhone
You need to have sex with “Barncat”. I have no idea what he said, but his photo is cute and he wrote a whole paragraph in french. You do have protection, don’t you?
OMG OMG OMG Mr. Barncat has a kitten on his shoulder- he’s pulling out all the stops- you are toast, Eden!!
Breathing through ones ears I understand, but 8 thumbs…c’mon, that sounds a tall order. Bull-Merde indeed….but there does seem to be a cute pussy nearby, so not all bad!
“Une langue de huit pouces” means “an eight-inch tongue.” You’re right, having eight thumbs would be total bull-merde. Pouces can be very confusing.
This Online dating response stuff is a book waiting to happen. BEGGING to happen.
It would sell. You’d get a deal for sure. And it would be effortless for you.
Then there might be a movie about it like what happened with “He’s Just Not that Into You.”
I see it.
You just need the perfect title.
title? hmmm what about: “;)”
Dear creepy jewish guy: “So how’ve you been?” so how’ve I been? I’m sorry, have we met before? And also I don’t believe that the word “forthly” exists. There, it doesn’t because that squiggly red line is all over “forthly” like flies on shit. See, there, it happened again. You better bust out your wiktionary more often (whoops, there’s that red squiggly line again… I guess wiktionary doesn’t exist either. No wait, it’s Wiktionary. There. You need to get familiar with it.)
Dear Moe, Really? All you want is “a friendly conversation”? You are really easy to please!
OK if I was single, I’d take #3 off your hands.
Moe wanted a friendly conversation in the morning! And lets face it debs, morning belong to Sam.
Woops, my bad, I mis-spelled fourthly. durrr. Sorry, Eden will now go out with you.
“phat” chance!
I think you should keep looking Eden. And if worse comes to worse, go with the kitten commenter.
I think its time I become the first Jewish nun.
What? I’ve already got the venue booked for your wedding with monsieur kitten commenter. We can’t back out now!
lol (my husband just got a little bit happier)