Cringe Worthy Americana

I know. American Independence day is not until tomorrow.

Hence I’m bashing American today. You know, incase karma decides to be ironic or something.

Anyhow, although there are things in this country that I’m thankful for (stay tuned for that list tomorrow), there are certainly things that don’t make me proud to be an American citzen.

And true to blogging format, I will present to you a list of things about America that make me cringe, fake a British accent, and pretend like I have no clue who snooki is.

Coke: Most people don’t know this, but there is a difference between every-country-in-the-world-coke and American Coke. In the American recipe the Coke is sweetened with corn syrup while its sweetened with sugar abroad.  Corn is great and all, but nothing beats good ol’ fashion sugar. I know, carbo-phobes and diabetics are already writing me their hate mail.  And call me crazy, but I find that even diet coke tastes better abroad! I remember sitting in cafe with my dad in Brussels thinking to myself,

“wow! his aspartame tastes different! Its tastes… a Belgian waffle!”

It didn’t hurt that I just ate a waffle…..

No Vacation Nation: People think American’s are fat and lazy. That’s half true because the average American worker only has 12 days of vacation a year and only half of them actually use it. How sad! I have family and friends that live in Holland and whenever we call them they are always on fucking vacation! I begin to wonder if they even have jobs. But they not only have jobs, they have nice houses, good food, plenty of days off work, and the most annoying part…they are fit and in shape!

Sororities and Fraternities: Maybe I’m biased cause I’m not blonde.

 But call me crazy, but I think they are just plain bad for your health! The binge drinking, the hazing, the vomitorium that I’m sure is popular among those sorority chicks (how else do they stay so skinny? I mean, besides not eating). I’m amazed people survive them! The only greek system that would ever embrace me would be “I ATE A PIE”.

Sitcom’s Audience That Laughs At Unfunny Stuff: You know why I love British sitcoms? Because there isn’t that fake audience laughter after line an actor delivers!

Remember this sitcom!? Exactly.

I feel like it’s as if the show is peer pressuring me;

“Laugh, dammit! Look! All the OTHER people are laughing! Our show is funny!!!!!”

And most of the time, its totally not funny. Not ever since Seinfeld signed off.

The Police: Our cops are weird. They have their own reality show for crying out loud! They pull you over for really harmless things and give you huge fines for heinous crimes like jaywalking! A cop once almost gave me a ticket for jaywalking! He asked for my ID and I was like:

“Ummm, I live like a block away, I was just going to drop off the mail. Do you want my jean size? ”

Lucky for me, I’m a lady I managed to ge him let me off with a “warning”. And I guess I better tattoo my ID onto my lower back! At least its more useful than a dolphin

Celebrities That Don’t Have Jobs: Americans love giving attention to rich, unemployed, attention whores. People like Paris Hilon, Kim Kardashian, Ke$ha (yes, I know she “works” but her name sounds like a fucking password!).

Yea...she's one of our finest

I guess it’s because we don’t have royalty. But couldn’t we at least choose someone classy but witty?! Like Jon Stewart?

Oh right, he’s Canadian.

If you are American, what American things make you cringe? If you aren’t American, what makes you cringe from wherever you’re from?

30 thoughts on “Cringe Worthy Americana

  1. I’m from Portugal and I hate how Portuguese people say for instance “Oh, that’s the typical portuguese, always judging and not doing anything to fix it” and guess what?? they’re also judging and not fixing anything!!
    well… i guess i’m doing the same…you know, it’s in my DNA as a portuguese to do it! 😉

    other than that, I don’t care we’re the next Greece, bankruptcywise (well, i care a little I still need to eat, go on vacation and buy stuff) I LOVE Portugal!

    ps- we have, like in Holland, about 36 vacation days. I didn’t know you guys have so few vacation days, i’m almost kind of shocked

    • 36 vacation days?! This makes me hate my job even more. I get 12 vacation days a year and 3 personal days. My bf can never get days off so he has a ton of ‘comp days’. I’d rather have a vacation!

  2. That is SO funny about the Coke – I had my sister get me Kosher Cokes during Passover (she’s a flight attendant) because they are made with real sugar -or Cokes in glass bottles from Mexico. There is a world of difference.
    I don’t get near enough vacation, even what I am “owed” due to increase work, not enough to cover, and bad economy to hire more!
    Sororities? I live near Ole Miss – the biggest party school. Those sorority/frat people get on my nerves so badl It’s amazing any of them ever graduate.
    I LOVE British shows – “Are You Being Served” is one of my faves (yes I am 100). I don’t watch much TV, nowadays. I loved Soap, Night Court, Newhart, and Wings. They don’t make em like that anymore.
    I certainly don’t support rich nobody celebrities especially the ones famous for being rich only. They could at least have some talent, but they don’t. It is sickening. I much prefer Royalty!!

      • ah the vicar of diby! btw have u seen dawn french latey? have u watched the blackadder series , bloody loved thm watching with my family as was growing up. have good day eden don’t comment as much as i would ike but ur posts are so refreshing and bloody funny to boot!

      • Do I remember VHS or the Vicar of Dibley ;)??! (ha ha). I never watched that one but I love Keeping Up Appearances as well! I almost mentioned it because my Mom really loved it too. But you just can’t beat good ol Mrs. Slocombe and Mr.Humphries, but that show is really old!

  3. Yes, tomorrow is Independence Day, still certain things in the USA certainly make me cringe:

    – All the “Real Housewives,” shows. One was too much, now they are taking over.
    – Sarah Palin
    – Crocs
    – Shawn Hanity
    – The over used, annoying saying “Girlfriend.”
    – Bringing Infants to the movies. Hey, if you can’t get/afford a baby sitter, stay at home.
    – Making fun of people with disabilities, simply not funny.

  4. One more…

    America’s fascination with the British Royal Family. First, Princess Diana and her death. Death is sad but enough already. Now, it’s all about the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton. Really, who the fuck cares? Obviously too many people, all those who woke at the crack of dawn to watch their wedding. I personally prefer sleep.

  5. Actually Jon Stewart was born in NY! Yay! He is completely my hero and I loff him. Gonna marry him. IGNORING HIS WIFE AND KIDS LALALA
    Also IMHO, Seinfeld isn’t that funny… I know I’m a bad american. Parks and Rec is more up my alley.
    Every country has their stupid sh!t… except Holland apparently, WTF? That’s amazing.

  6. Stereotypes (that are sometimes TRUE) about Americans make me cringe! Like you said, we have some pretty freakin’ INSANE celebs. Eeekkkkk!

  7. Fast Food, People don’t travel, Few of us speak any other languages, We are fat, We are obsessed with terrible reality television and, (yes totally) agree NOT ENOUGH VACAY! I work for a German company and every time I email a colleague over there I get their out-of-office auto reply that they are on Holiday.

    • The language thing bothers me…I do to visit my Grandmother in Beligum and they all offer to speak to me in like ten languages! We need to start handing out Rosetta Stone for free!

  8. God, there are so many things about America that I hate. Far too many to list on here, but it’s exactly that reason why I’m retiring in Greece with my family when I’m older.

  9. I always hate opening my mouth when I’m in a foreign country b/c unless it’s Japan, they think all American’s are idiots. And they think that the women are loose.

    I totally agree on vacation time! All of my Swedish relatives would take weeks and weeks off at a time, oh- and there’s a few months paternity leave, paid. In addition to maternity leave. So both parents get to be home with the newborn! Same happens in Denmark.

    No offense to the handful of great, trustworthy, sweet-but-not-sickly-sweet American men out there, but I have always felt that I’d still be single if I hadn’t met someone from another country. I’m sure it’s a problem with me, not with 98% of American men, though :).

    I used to say that there were 4 American men that I personally knew that were really fabulous good-to-the-core men and were husband material. One of them turned out to be gay. :-/

    • Yea, I’m sorry to any American men out there, but I feel the same way! And a big part of it, I think, is because I was raised by non-Americans and has zero relatives in the states.

      But that being said, it’s not like the Belgians don’t have their flaws…

      • Belgians? …. Flaws?? …. Ya Kidding right?, They have none, zero, nada… Lets see they make great Beer, great moule frites, created Tin Tin, Bakelite, The Saxophone, Audrey Hepbern and let’s not forget Father Damien helping the leper colony on Molokai and best of all an amazing sense of humour.

      • They have some kinks. I was there during christmas and they had this “brilliant” Antwerp publicity stunt where they put a pricey diamond in a giant ice cube in the city center. It was supposed to be some “game” where people were supposed to wait for the ice to melt and whoever got the diamond, got to keep it. It was so lame because that block didn’t melt till like May and as if people were going to camp out there to get this dumb diamond….in the meantime, there was an annoying giant puddle in the middle of the city.

  10. I envy the 6 to 8 weeks of vacation time in Europe. We’re definitely way to into keeping up with the Joneses over here. Get ahead and make more money to buy the bigger house, the fancy SUV, etc. Work work work. We need more playtime. 😦

  11. Many countries do better than us with coin versus paper currency. I kinda like coins, and I wish we had more dollar coins instead of bills (which are gross and dirty). Plus, aren’t we screwing up archaeology for the future, because they won’t be able to date properly things? (oh—-but I guess they’ll do lots of computer dating? but not like your computer dating…heh….heh)

  12. Pingback: Balsamic Blueberry Blondies and American Pride | Eden's Eats

  13. I love that it is called ‘Holiday’ oversees.. and I also cannot agree more with this post.
    A brief list of my own:
    – How rude we are.
    – How we have no manners.
    – How our meals out are always rushed as opposed to elsewhere where a meal is a pleasant and – lengthy experience.
    – Five hour Energy supplements
    – Airbrush tanning. Easy ladies, easy. You look dirty not tan.

  14. Everything over here has to be bigger, shinier, louder & more obnoxious (The entire city of Las Vegas comes to mind, although I’d go back there at the drop of a hat because I like shiny things). And everything’s always so rushed…I’ve spent the past 4 1/2 years of my marriage trying to get my husband to STOP inhaling his food every night at dinner…Living in a small town has also contributed to me becoming a poke-a-long driver, although sometimes the city girl in me escapes and I become that jerk zipping around everyone else.

  15. Only 12 days of holidays a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????? That really sucks. I can’t see why people wouldn’t at least take those days and enjoy them. I couldn’t imagine only having 12 vacation days a year – I would go batty!

    We don’t have sororities or fraternities in Canada, but I always thought they sounded fun!

  16. Okay there is plently about America I dislike especially how NO ONE ever wants take responsibility for his/her actions. The dumb lady who spilled coffee all over herself and sued McDonalds. The people who defaulted on their mortages. My former roommate who racked up $20,000+ of credit card debt (don’t forget the 50K in student loans) by the age of 22.

    But as for sororites and fraternities. yes some of the stereotypes of true but my sorority sisters are my best friends (not all of them, some of them are bitches) and they are my lifesavers. Plus when you graduate and become alum, you can really party it up with happy hour and not worry about being broke like in college.

  17. Hmm…probably the fact that all Americans seem to think I own a personal kangaroo and ride around on it all day and am best friends with ‘that croc hunter guy’. 😛

    But, the one thing that comes to mind is why nobody seems to think it’s weird that a cross-dressing old man has his/her own talk show (Dame Edna lol).

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