I know. American Independence day is not until tomorrow.
Hence I’m bashing American today. You know, incase karma decides to be ironic or something.
Anyhow, although there are things in this country that I’m thankful for (stay tuned for that list tomorrow), there are certainly things that don’t make me proud to be an American citzen.
And true to blogging format, I will present to you a list of things about America that make me cringe, fake a British accent, and pretend like I have no clue who snooki is.
Coke: Most people don’t know this, but there is a difference between every-country-in-the-world-coke and American Coke. In the American recipe the Coke is sweetened with corn syrup while its sweetened with sugar abroad. Corn is great and all, but nothing beats good ol’ fashion sugar. I know, carbo-phobes and diabetics are already writing me their hate mail. And call me crazy, but I find that even diet coke tastes better abroad! I remember sitting in cafe with my dad in Brussels thinking to myself,
“wow! his aspartame tastes different! Its tastes…..like a Belgian waffle!”
It didn’t hurt that I just ate a waffle…..
No Vacation Nation: People think American’s are fat and lazy. That’s half true because the average American worker only has 12 days of vacation a year and only half of them actually use it. How sad! I have family and friends that live in Holland and whenever we call them they are always on fucking vacation! I begin to wonder if they even have jobs. But they not only have jobs, they have nice houses, good food, plenty of days off work, and the most annoying part…they are fit and in shape!
Sororities and Fraternities: Maybe I’m biased cause I’m not blonde.
But call me crazy, but I think they are just plain bad for your health! The binge drinking, the hazing, the vomitorium that I’m sure is popular among those sorority chicks (how else do they stay so skinny? I mean, besides not eating). I’m amazed people survive them! The only greek system that would ever embrace me would be “I ATE A PIE”.
Sitcom’s Audience That Laughs At Unfunny Stuff: You know why I love British sitcoms? Because there isn’t that fake audience laughter after line an actor delivers!
I feel like it’s as if the show is peer pressuring me;
“Laugh, dammit! Look! All the OTHER people are laughing! Our show is funny!!!!!”
And most of the time, its totally not funny. Not ever since Seinfeld signed off.
The Police: Our cops are weird. They have their own reality show for crying out loud! They pull you over for really harmless things and give you huge fines for heinous crimes like jaywalking! A cop once almost gave me a ticket for jaywalking! He asked for my ID and I was like:
“Ummm, I live like a block away, I was just going to drop off the mail. Do you want my jean size? ”
Lucky for me, I’m a lady I managed to ge him let me off with a “warning”. And I guess I better tattoo my ID onto my lower back! At least its more useful than a dolphin…
Celebrities That Don’t Have Jobs: Americans love giving attention to rich, unemployed, attention whores. People like Paris Hilon, Kim Kardashian, Ke$ha (yes, I know she “works” but her name sounds like a fucking password!).
I guess it’s because we don’t have royalty. But couldn’t we at least choose someone classy but witty?! Like Jon Stewart?
Oh right, he’s Canadian.
If you are American, what American things make you cringe? If you aren’t American, what makes you cringe from wherever you’re from?