Sometime, I’m so over food. Gasp and get over it.
So today, I’m talking about animals.
I have plenty to say about animals that are sweet and cuddly. But thats no fun. Since talking shit about people is mean, I’m gonna talk (or write, rather) shit about animals. I need to credit Animal Planet, National Geographic, and Sesame Street for all of this animal knowledge. So here’s my list of screwed up animals:
Lions: Mr and Mrs SmoothieGirl and I went to see this brilliant film called “African Cats” a few months ago. What this movie taught me was that lions are the douche bags of the animal kingdom. Don’t be fooled by Narnia or Simba, male lions are (cue the word I hate to use) literally “motherfuckers”.
You see, male lions are out to rape all the other female lions. And if little lion cubs or any other animals are in the way, they will maul them to death. To pour salt on the wound, they will then proceed to bone the mother until they tire out. Fuckers.
Woolly Mammoth: What a funny animal this is.
But I don’t understand some technical things about the name of this animal. Like, why the “woolly”? Is just saying “mammoth” really vague? Oh wait, I know! It’s so you don’t get confused with the “corduroy” or “silk” mammoth. And since these animals are basically extinct, I have heard people call arm pits that have jungle inspired, ungroomed hair “woolly mammoth pits”. How precious.
Walruses: I’m just confused by these animals. I think god got lazy when he created the walrus. I’m sure he was thinking:
Ah fuck, I need to create another animal! Ugh…I’m out of ideas! I know! I’ll just throw together a bunch of different animals in one! It will be like the greatest hits of animals. I’ll make a hybrid of an elephant, a fish, a seal, a mammoth and Burt Reynolds !
Hippos: We often joke how eating carbs or whatever will transform us into hippos (which I never understood since when is the last time you saw a hippo chow down on a croissant?). Or we think, “Oh, they are so silly and cute! They look so jolly and squishy!!!”.
But thanks to national geographic, animal planet, and my 9th grade science class, I’ve learned that hippos actually kill more people per year than any animal in Africa!
Dude, that’s so mean! So yea, I’m more terrified of being mauled by a hippo than turning into one through pastries.
Dolphins: We love dolphins. We go out of our way to check tuna cans for fucks sake to make sure we never harm these precious creatures. Well guess what I learned from animal planet? Marine biologists noticed mangled, dead baby dolphins and porpoises were washing up ashore. And no, it was not the canned tuna folks that committed this dolphinicide. It was the Bottlenose Dolphins. These breed of dolphins were apparently beating them to death and then playing with their corpses. And for no apparent reason! Its not like they ate them! They just left them there, just a fun thing to do on a saturday night. I can just imagine that dolphin conversation:
dolphin #1: Hey, ugh….what do you want to do tonight?
dolphin #2: I dunno….oh wait! You know what would be totally rad? If we beat the shit out of a baby dolphin and played with his corpse like a hacky sack!
dolphin #1: LOL!!! (yea, these dolphins “lol”)That sounds like so much fun!!!!
And to think that half of the sorority girls at my college tattooed these sick fucks on their lower backs!
So do you know any crazy animals? I know some crazy humans, but I’ll get hate mail if I spill about them.