Screwed Up Animals

Sometime, I’m so over food. Gasp and get over it.

So today, I’m talking about animals.

I have plenty to say about animals that are sweet and cuddly. But thats no fun. Since talking shit about people is mean, I’m gonna talk (or write, rather) shit about animals. I need to credit Animal Planet, National Geographic, and Sesame Street for all of this animal knowledge. So here’s my list of screwed up animals:

Lions: Mr and Mrs SmoothieGirl and I went to see this brilliant film called “African Cats” a few months ago. What this movie taught me was that lions are the douche bags of the animal kingdom. Don’t be fooled by Narnia or Simba, male lions are (cue the word I hate to use) literally “motherfuckers”.

horny bastard

 You see, male lions are out to rape all the other female lions. And if little lion cubs or any other animals are in the way, they will maul them to death. To pour salt on the wound, they will then proceed to bone the mother until they tire out. Fuckers.

Woolly Mammoth: What a funny animal this is.

But I don’t understand some technical things about the name of this animal. Like, why the “woolly”? Is just saying “mammoth” really vague? Oh wait, I know! It’s so you don’t get confused with the “corduroy” or “silk”  mammoth. And since these animals are basically extinct, I have heard people call arm pits that have jungle inspired, ungroomed hair “woolly mammoth pits”. How precious.

Walruses: I’m just confused by these animals. I think god got lazy when he created the walrus. I’m sure he was thinking:

Ah fuck, I need to create another animal! Ugh…I’m out of ideas! I know! I’ll just throw together a bunch of different animals in one! It will be like the greatest hits of animals. I’ll make a hybrid of an elephant, a fish, a seal, a mammoth and Burt Reynolds !


Hippos: We often joke how eating carbs or whatever will transform us into hippos (which I never understood since when is the last time you saw a hippo chow down on a croissant?). Or we think, “Oh, they are so silly and cute! They look so jolly and squishy!!!”.

But thanks to national geographic, animal planet, and my 9th grade science class, I’ve learned that hippos actually kill more people per year than any animal in Africa!


Dude, that’s so mean!  So yea, I’m more terrified of being mauled by a hippo than turning into one through pastries.

Dolphins: We love dolphins. We go out of our way to check tuna cans for fucks sake to make sure we never harm these precious creatures. Well guess what I learned from animal planet? Marine biologists noticed mangled, dead baby dolphins and porpoises were washing up ashore. And no, it was not the canned tuna folks that committed this dolphinicide. It was the Bottlenose Dolphins. These breed of dolphins were apparently beating them to death and then playing with their corpses.  And for no apparent reason! Its not like they ate them! They just left them there, just a fun thing to do on a saturday night. I can just imagine that dolphin conversation:

dolphin #1: Hey, ugh….what do you want to do tonight?

dolphin #2: I dunno….oh wait! You know what would be totally rad? If we beat the shit out of a baby dolphin and played with his corpse like a hacky sack!

dolphin #1: LOL!!! (yea, these dolphins “lol”)That sounds like so much fun!!!!

And to think that half of the sorority girls at my college tattooed these sick fucks on their lower backs!



 So do you know any crazy animals? I know some crazy humans, but I’ll get hate mail if I spill about them.

18 thoughts on “Screwed Up Animals

  1. I love that walrus joke, but now it is killing me that I can’t remember who said it. Can you refresh my memory? I heard it while listening to a stand up routine on Wunder Radio.
    I didn’t know a lot of these things about animals. I laughed at the random dolphin facts because bottlenosed dolphins are the state mammal for my home state, Mississippi (I know it is random that I know that.)

    • I dont know what radio show you listen too but National Lampoon used to say , “Walruses were the effed up brainchild of Burt Reynolds” and truly, I cant think of a better actor that resembles a walrus

  2. I’m not kidding when I say I just read something about a bug out there with a musical wang.
    Apparently this tiny bug known as the water boatman is the loudest animal on Earth. Scientists discovered that they can reach a volume equivalent of listening to a loud orchestra play while sitting in the front row.

    How? By rubbing his penis against his belly. Seriously. It’s literally like a ding-dong song used to beat out other males for female attention. I could say so many things right now, but I’ll leave out the human equivalents and keep it clean.

    Screwed up animals, indeed 😉

  3. Haha totally laughed my ass off! I didn’t know abtvthe evil dolphins! Did u kno that swans are evil too?

    Do I know any crazy animals? Like ones that eat shoelaces, bikinis, strappy dresses & the like? Hmmm, nope. Can’t think of anyone like that! Or what about the kind who like to eat plastic , roll on chicken n knock over glasses full ofcwater just for yuks? Hmm, nope. all the animals in my life r perfect.

  4. I watched this special on Animal Planet or Discovery about mating habits of different animals (don’t ask why I was watching it lol) and I learned that either male crocodiles or alligators (can’t remember which one) would entice females to mate by swimming under them and blowing bubbles onto their tummy. Seemed too romantic for such scary creatures!

  5. I am never going to think about animals the same way again. I might not even ever be able to go to a zoo again. Which is good for my credit card. I’d rather spend that twenty bucks on a few croissants…hippo metamorphosis dilemma or not.

  6. I suppose this actually is not the right topic. Your talking animals and I am thinking bugs, more of the creepy, crawly, rather then running and mating types. Bed bugs, they seem to be taking over NYC. Many Fifth Avenue stores, movie theaters and many apartments have been attacked by these gross critters.

    “Cimicidae or bed bugs (sometimes bedbugs), are small parasitic insects. The most common type is Cimex lectularius.[2] The term usually refers to species that prefer to feed on human blood. All insects in this family live by feeding exclusively on the blood of warm-blooded animals.”

    I was on Safari last summer, amazing animals. I have a funny, neurotic dog. I will never invite a bed bug over as a house guest. They are not welcome, ever!

  7. Pingback: How America Embarasses Me | Eden's Eats

  8. There is a type of flatworm with a pretty fictional-seeming mating system. They’re all hermophrodites, and when two want to mate they basically fence with their penises. The winner is whoever stabs the other one first. The loser has to be the “female”, and the “male” stabs his penis somewhere in her body wall and injects his sperm, and leaves her to deal with the eggs and shit. Nice, huh?

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