Caramel Cookies and How To Look Poor

After writing this post, I’ve decided to actually tackle some taboo topics.

I have tons to say about poo, but I’m saving that for another time.

Today, I’m gonna tell you how rich people like to pretend to be poor.

I went to a very expensive high school. Most of my classmates were rich. Some were “make-me-want-to-puke-because-you-have-a-butler-and-a-private-jet” rich. But I was on scholarship, and paid about 1/40 of the normal tuition. It was not unusual for some girl at my high school to ask me,

“you go here? you don’t look rich!” (I kid you not, this totally happened!)

Now don’t get me wrong. I had what I needed, but not everything I wanted. I’m not living on the streets, but I know what its like to struggle with finances. And so before you read any further, I should warn you that I don’t REALLY know what its like to be poor. I joke that I’m poor. But I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I’m not shopping at whole foods, but I’m also not shopping the dumpster. So like always, take what I write with a grain of kosher salt.

Oh dear…

With the economy being a little limp, it’s suddenly become so trendy to look poor. People pay lots of money to look poor! They will go to hippie concerts like Coachella and not shower for a week so they can mingle with other “poor” civilians. There are very few rich people left, so it might be very lonely to be rich these days.

Fear no more, I have tips to help you achieve that “I’m poor” look:

Mismatched Clothes: Poor people have to make do with the treasures they find in a dumpster or what a shelter might give them. So that may be magenta leggings with flannel overalls and LA gear sneakers where the lights don’t work.

Give Up Some Of Your Recreational Sports: Let me tell you something: poor people don’t ski, sail, horseback ride, or scuba dive. Did you ever hear a kid from an inner city school say,

“Yo, I’m goin to Vail to hit up the slopes!”

Yea. Those sports involve money. Your gonna have to participate in activities that don’t cost 900 bucks in just apparel and gear (let alone lift tickets). I would try basketball, hand ball, even jacks with some stolen sugar packets. Now that sounds like a fun but modest activity!

Don’t Shop At Target: A lot of my rich friends will be all,

“I’m so poor! I shop at TARGET for crying out loud!!!!”

Shut up. Everyone shops at target. I saw Leonardo DiCaprio at Target with his hot, skinny girlfriend (no, I’m SOOOO not jealous of her).

Shopping at places other than Saks or Barney’s does not make you appear poor. Poor people don’t shop. They window shop. Even on itunes.

Bottom Line: If you are reading this, you probably aren’t poor. There is nothing wrong with having money. And if you do have money, don’t try to pretend like you don’t. Just don’t be pretentious and feel free to be generous.

At least by the homeless a pair of LA gears with lights that work.

Or at the very least, buy me a pony.

Are you shy about your financial situation? Do you ever act like you have more/less than you do to “fit in”? Will you buy me a pony?

So I have no brilliant transition into today’s recipe. I just found a package of caramels that I got I got in a gift basket from like seven years ago.

Caramels dont go bad, right? Oh well, these cookies were still excellent. If I don’t post tomorrow, the caramels were for sure bad. And…ugh…call my dad. Tell him I love him.

So recreate a possibly less toxic version you will need:

• 1/2 cup oatmeal
• 1/2 cup all-purpose or coconut flour
• 1/2 cup sugar or sweetener of choice
• 2 tbs peanut butter
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup milk of choice
• 1 egg
• 8-10 caramels

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Grind up the oatmeal and sugar in a coffee grinder/magic bullet/foodprocessor/blender. That way you get like a powdered sugar oatmeal. This is good shit!

Anyhow, mix all the ingredients up with a mixer or if you want to go “hobo” like me, a plastic fork I stole from 7 eleven (no joke, its what I used. Our washing machine is broken and yes, I’m losing sleep over that). Once all is mix form into small balls and place on a greased cookie sheet. Unwrap a caramel and place it in the center of the cookie dough. Bake for about 10-15 min. The caramel will spill over and burn a little. But its yummy that way. Makes 8-10 cookies.