I guess it’s no secret that I’m visiting friends for a few days.
So even though I wrote about how I intend to finally start reading some blogs, that has been slightly delayed by good old-fashioned “sit in an arctic freezing theater because its 112 outside”. And every time I whip out my phone to catch up on blog reading, some octogenarian yells at me that the light from my phone is causing her hip to somehow break. As much as I love old people, they always have to blame things on their deteriorating hips!
Hence I don’t have the time and energy to compose moving, thoughtful, pulitzer-prize-worthy posts.
Not that you should expect that from any of my posts.
But what I do have is an inbox full of messages from my online dating adventures that I have been dying to answer.
Hang tight, these are good, and sadly, very real:
“What’s your take on younger men?”
I like my men like wine, so just text me when your balls drop.
Well as we all know, words are HARD! but with practice we can use letters to form words, words to form sentences, and sentences to construct complete thoughts… I however never learned to read or write so I just hope these squiggly images make sense to you.
Squiggly lines just remind me of doctor signatures and misspelled words on my computer. And I think the only thing hard at the moment is your dick.
I got quite a few chuckles out of your profile. Don’t be surprised if you look at my profile and I’ve copied some of your jokes. I’ll use proper MLA citation, or should it be Chicago style since this is closest to humanities?
Citation? Dude, my online dating profile is COPYRIGHTED! Just like my invention of water and all my recipes! You must put the correct citation, link, and write me a check for $50,000 dollars in royalty fees. Then we can talk…
heyy my sexy girlfriend and myself feel that you would be perfect to step in on a 3some! i feel we all would have a great time together and really hit it off!! so let me know what you think if your interested or not….
-Mr. T and Ms. S
Dear Mr. T and Ms. S,
Wow! I’m SO flattered because knowing I turn BOTH genders on! I better move onto bigger and better things so I’m gonna try to sleep with transgendered animals like seahorses or some type of rare bird. So unless one of you happen to have a beak or perhaps a tail that swirls up, I’m not interested. Plus, I hate sharing. I’m one of the few people who tout that “sharing is scaring”.
Alright, do you have any better responses? Are you guys sick of these “online dater” posts? If yes, feel free to yell at the screen because I won’t hear it or give a shit anyhow.