Written From the Desert: Dear Online Dater

I guess it’s no secret that I’m visiting friends for a few days.


friend #1 and friend #2


friend #3 (in rad, red car) and #2


So even though I wrote about how I intend to finally start reading some blogs, that has been slightly delayed by good old-fashioned “sit in an arctic freezing theater because its 112 outside”. And every time I whip out my phone to catch up on blog reading, some octogenarian yells at me that the light from my phone is causing her hip to somehow break. As much as I love old people, they always have to blame things on their deteriorating hips!

Hence I don’t have the time and energy to compose moving, thoughtful, pulitzer-prize-worthy posts.

Not that you should expect that from any of my posts.

But what I do have is an inbox full of messages from my online dating adventures that I have been dying to answer. 

Hang tight, these are good,  and sadly, very real:

“What’s your take on younger men?”

– YoungGuy

Dear YoungGuy,

I like my men like wine, so just text me when your balls drop.


Well as we all know, words are HARD! but with practice we can use letters to form words, words to form sentences, and sentences to construct complete thoughts… I however never learned to read or write so I just hope these squiggly images make sense to you.
-Squiggly Man

Dear SquigglyMan, 

Squiggly lines just remind me of doctor signatures and misspelled words on my computer. And I think the only thing hard at the moment is your dick.


I got quite a few chuckles out of your profile. Don’t be surprised if you look at my profile and I’ve copied some of your jokes. I’ll use proper MLA citation, or should it be Chicago style since this is closest to humanities?


Dear ProfileStealerMan,

Citation? Dude, my online dating profile is COPYRIGHTED! Just like my invention of water and all my recipes! You must put the correct citation, link, and write me a check for $50,000 dollars in royalty fees. Then we can talk…


heyy my sexy girlfriend and myself feel that you would be perfect to step in on a 3some! i feel we all would have a great time together and really hit it off!! so let me know what you think if your interested or not….
-Mr. T and Ms. S

Dear Mr. T and Ms. S,

Wow! I’m SO flattered because knowing I turn BOTH genders on! I better move onto bigger and better things so I’m gonna try to sleep with transgendered animals like seahorses or some type of rare bird. So unless one of you happen to have a beak or perhaps a tail that swirls up, I’m not interested. Plus, I hate sharing. I’m one of the few people who tout that “sharing is scaring”.


Alright, do you have any better responses? Are you guys sick of these “online dater” posts? If yes, feel free to yell at the screen because I won’t hear it or give a shit anyhow.


21 thoughts on “Written From the Desert: Dear Online Dater

      • I once drove for about 5 miles on the 405 with just a bra cause I spill hot coffee on my shirt and it was too dangerous to fish out a clean shirt from the back. I hunched down in the seat whenever a car came close and pretended to be a driving midget. To my credit, my bra was pretty but I looked like a cheap, jewish, and slightly confused hooker.

    • Yes, I’d like to see your profile too. I didn’t know that about sea horses or balls dropping- you are a wealth of information! So if sea horses decide they want to be a boy, do they have to get balls and then let the balls drop? And at what point does this happen? Maybe I just need to get a national geographic.

      I’m surprised grandpa didn’t scream at you about the light from your cell phone giving him cataracts. Actually, aside from THAT crusty old geezer, the rest of the seniors have been pretty well behaved, no? Especially your Irish boyfriend?!! Hmmm?

      As usual, this post made me laugh, a lot.

      • The “Irish Boyfriend” was just pimping out his filmaker daughter who was like my age. I did like the gay seniors though. Gay and gray is the way to go.

  1. what the shit- do people just keep getting cornier and cornier in the hopes of getting someone’s attention? I can’t fathom that these freaks are serious… MLA citation? Sweet jesus…

  2. I love the “online dater” posts, please don’t stop writing them! I am part of an online dating site and just today a guy sent me a message that said “how’s your day going?” He also attached a picture of his penis. Like WTF!

  3. Not sick of them. Are there any serious ones? I found a guy online for awhile and he was somewhat normal but shy and I at least had some company one summer. By company I mean someone to make out with. Because we had nothing to talk about. I am curious if you are really writing this stuff back to them or just deleting. Because if you keep writing I am sure they will just get more, well, hard.

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