I don’t let just anyone guest post.
You don’t need a degree or Ph.D, or have written a book, or a popular blog.
You just have to be cool, bold, and tolerant of my own naughty writing style. And my friend, Sophia, is all those things and so much more.
I am blessed to live in the same city as her so I can have playdates with her on a regular basis. And I’m honored to have her guest post today.
So I give you Sophia’s ED parody letter today. Enjoy and move your ass, bitch.
Hi, I’m ED.
It’s short for eating disorder, you idiot. And I have no gender. I’m too fabulous to have a sex. I like both male and female, you got a problem with that?
Now, you listen to me. You need me. No really, you do. Why, you ask? Because I promise you everything you could ever want. I mean, who needs friends and family, right?
Who needs happiness and freedom? I promise you thinness. Of course, at some point you’ll lose a bunch of hair and your skin will get dry and scaly and your breath will stink. You’ll kind of be like a fish. A bald, rotting fish with a poky spine.
But fuck that. Oh wait, you can’t, because you’ll become frigid. You’ll totally lose your sexual appetite, but all appetites are the devil anyway. Who needs them? You just need me.
Damn you, why the hell are you sitting there reading this? Get your lazy dimpled ass out of that chair! You better be doing some leg lunges while reading this. You get to burn 5 calories more! That is a whole extra cup of black coffee you get to have in exchange! Though…hmm, better stick to plain water, hmm?
I mean, look at the way your thigh wobbles when you shake it. How gross. Can you feel the fold of your stomach when you scrunch over? That is FAT. How disgusting!
Ah, don’t worry. I still love you. Only I will love you. That’s why you better love me too, bitch.
Haha, just kidding. You’re not a bitch. But you know who’s a bitch? Those people telling you you look horrible and that you should eat a burger. Fuck that, fuck them! Don’t listen to them. You know what they’re trying to do, right? They’re all trying to make you FAT. They’re jealous of you because your fart is way stinkier than theirs.
In fact, the whole world is out there to get you. They just want to make you FAT. Only I understand you. Only I get you and will love you for who you truly are as a person: someone who wants to be thin. Look, because I’m an honest, good person, I’ll be frank with you. You’ll die. Or at the very least, you’ll damage your internal organs and lose tons of essential bone mass. But look at it this way: organs = weight. Bone mass = weight. No weight = you lose pounds!! It’s really a win-win situation.
And when you die, I promise you, you’ll be thin and pretty. I’ll be right there with you in your grave. I’ll be there forever with you, so long as you love me back. I promise you that. It’ll just be you and me, baby.
Now love me, bitch. And put down that 20-calorie rice cake and do some push-ups.
-XOXO, Your bitch forever, ED.
EDEN’S NOTE: Thank you Sophia for contributing. Thank you ED for being a limp-dick-ass-poopy-head (I tried to think of a bad name, and thats what came out). I so don’t miss you.