There’s only so much to do in such a short ride, but screwing it up could make it seem like an eternity before you reach your floor.
So I offer some etiquette guidelines.
Look Up, Retarded Pigeon Style! Look up at the top of the elevator where the passing floors are shown. You need to look up there every 1.5 seconds or the elevator will not stop at your floor! It’s an unwritten law. Don’t fret if everyone thinks you’re a pigeon. If you are a pigeon, please, for goodness sakes, don’t shit in the elevator, and no, I don’t have any bread crumbs in my pocket!
Sing-a-Long: By all means, sing along to your ipod. Or hum your heart out. Both are equally classic. People really like to listen to live music, especially when packed tight together like sardines. Just you better not do this a your work builing, you could lose your job.
Odor Rules: No bathing yourself in perfume or cologne, no eating brussels sprouts (ie, little edible farts), and any other gas inducing foods.
Wrangle Your Kids: We all know I’m not a fan of kids in the public restrooms. Same goes for kids in elevators. It’s a bad place for them to learn about buttons. I give kids the stink eye when they put all their sticky little fingers on all the buttons because I really do have better things to do than to stop on every floor. It’s not cute.
If Some Nut Makes Eye Contact….comment about the weather or masturbation. People absolutely get giddy over talking about the weather and masturbation equally. If that small talk topic doesn’t come to mind, bring up the politics. But if they start getting specific about the latest Tea Party Convention, press the emergency button immediately and act like you’re fainting.
Oh yea, don’t fart: If you must…..queef.
Did I miss anything?
You may have noticed I changed my Gravatar picture. I know, I’m soooooooo hot. But trust me, I would never look like that if it weren’t for the make-up and hair magic from one of my unofficial adopted moms. If you are ever in the LA area and need to look gorgeous, she’s your girl. Anyhow, I made her some Pure2Raw Twins inspired dessert socca to thank her. I tweaked the recipe a little, so vegans might hate me a bit…
- 1 cup garbanzo bean flour
- 1 egg (sorry, vegans)
- 1/2 mashed banana
- 3 tbs cup sugar or stevia
- 1/2 cup yogurt (I used a vanilla yogurt but greek would work)
- 1/4 cup cocoa powder (I used Hershey’s Special Dark)
- 3/4 tsp Cinnamon
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Simply mix all the wet and dry ingredients. I used a fork but I suppose you could bust out the mixer. But a fork is less clean up and saves energy…I guess?
Anyhow, pour the mixture into a greased loaf pan and bake for about 25-35 min or until firm. Slice it up and devour.