The Silver Lining of Unemployment

It’s happened.

I’m officially unemployed.

I did have a fabulous private chefing gig. But they ran away to the midwest and I swear it was not because of my cooking. School is out for the cooking classes I teach at some local schools. And let’s face it, I’m not a “popular blog” so my foodbuzz monthly revenue is about 80 cents (and I’m rounding up). Blogging will never be my “career” and I don’t really believe you if you were to tell me it is. Lie to me if you have to, tell me you walk dogs or ponies, but don’t tell me your a professional blogger.

Its a tough economy. I mean, dude, Hookers have groupon deals ( “75% off standard Blow Job”)! But my mom always taught me to find the lighter side of dark times. So I thought I’d jot down some points about the silver lining of being unemployed for the next few months. You know, so I don’t end up being a hooker with a groupon deal.

I Can Get RIPPPPPED!!!!

Hmm…with all those hours I spend working and commuting to work, I can just use those hours to hit the weight room and recharge that sleeping exercise maniac hiding deep within me. I can finally be like all those freakish-roid-half-man ripped women that work out 28/7 (yes, thats not a typo, 28 hours a day)!

A few months of unemployment and I'm sexy!

 I can spend the extra time poaching chicken breasts and steaming broccoli for my “fuel”. I’ll be a fart machine, no doubt. But I’ll probably be able to beat you up too.

No More Un-Trained Humans (IE Kids)

People think I hate kids. I don’t. But I confess, I don’t love teaching them cooking. Food, combined with a few cases of ADD, a few over-sensitive girls, and a few boys that take my class because their parents made them, and I’m surprised I haven’t gouged my eyes out with their stupid silly bands or whatever they’re playing with.

Um...why are these popular? They need to get some POGS

Anyhow, its nice to have a break from them and let their parents reflect on their decision to procreate.

Read Some Blogs

I feel guilty when I look at my comment section and see bloggers commenting. Because 9 times outs of 8 times, I haven’t read their latest blog post. I feel like I should read every blogger that supports and reads mine. Even though I avoid the mundane ones no matter what, I can now finally read the blog gems of my commenters. Crossing my fingers that they will indeed be “gems” and not “turds”…or just a bowl of oatmeal.

I Can Switch Careers!

I’ve considered some other careers before, but I’m thinking being a life coach is my best bet! Give advice? Why not get paid for that shit:
Should I break up with my boyfriend? Yes, he’s a prick. I’ve slept with him.

Should I get a dog? No, get cat, they shit in a box.

Should quit my job???? No, dont rock that boat bitch, look how I ended up.

 

Craig Will Be My Bitch

Since I will now be on the job hunt, I’ll probably be on my dear friend’s list. But what you probably don’t know is that surfing craigslist is actually very humorous and entertaining. All the “missed connections” posts, all the weird shit people are trying to sell (kidneys, used condoms, ponies, etc), and all the weird things people are will to do to make a buck or two.

Now that I think about it, I don’t need a job.

I’ll just sell my hooker groupon deals on craigslist.

And maybe my pony.

What is your silver lining of something kinda shitty in your life? Or maybe you have a job or money to offer me? I’ll take either (money is better, duh, Jew here).

 

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29 thoughts on “The Silver Lining of Unemployment

  1. I was told that you are gonna start reading some shitass awesome blogs and mine just might be one of them. Woot to the toot. WHat? I don’t know, I’m a cat, I just made that up. Speaking of tooting though, thanks for retweeting that I farted for all the world to see. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really must go eat someone’s shoe and shit in a box.

  2. Please excuse the crazy before me. I take no responsibility for her comments, obviously.

    Wait, I don’t have a job. How come I don’t look like the SheMan in the photo? Now I’ve got a complex. boo. I better start hitting the iron and eating like 5000 calories a day, except that all the extra 3000 will just go straight to my ass.

    I thought of one more silver lining to your unemployment: you get to hang out with me more! Yay.

    Your kids part had me cracking up- I do often hear the parental pro-creators complaining in gym locker rooms about how school’s out and what a pain it is going to be. Except for that vacation in Tahiti.

    You’ll find something, and perhaps now it’s better that you have extra time to spend with LouLou. See, so many good things about being unemployed!

    • Spending more time with you and co (Derek, Sam, and the toot queen) and with loulou is a pretty awesome silver lining. Its golden.

      And you have a job. You clean Sam vomit and serve as Ellies agent.

  3. You being a life coach would be like Seinfeld’s “The Marriage Ref” Remember that? Sarah Silverman was on one time and it was pee your panties funny.

    I agree with Deb and Sophia. Gotta enjoy moments and spend time with the loves of your life.
    You’re too talented not to be snatched up quickly.

    PS – You have total guilt-free clemency in the blog reading obligation from me! I won’t say it’s a turd but let’s just say it is NOT a gem. (0:

  4. If you were a life coach I’m pretty sure you’d eventually end up on some Bravo reality show where you bitch-slap people into getting their shit together. [And I would watch every week, obviously.]

    Clearly you inspire me to use colorful language…

    The silver lining of unemployment? Having been there quite a few times, I think you pretty much figured out the perks. I would say you can read (tried it…got bored and restless) or watch entire seasons of 90s law dramas (I’m currently finishing up season 2 of Ally McBeal)…but these aren’t really productive uses of time.

    • Also. My blog is not only a gem…it is a diamond in the rough. Like Aladdin.

      And if you don’t get the allusion please use your unemployment to catch up on every important Disney animated film made before PIxar took over the world.

  5. well, now you’ll be free to go on some foodie adventures with me when i get back from my travels, if you’re still unemployed by then (you probably won’t be)

  6. my last stint with no job?? I fashioned a desk platform on top of my treadmill, so I could run and read blogs at the same time. I must be missing the chicken + broccoli aspect, because I don’t look like that photo.

    I love when you comment on my blog, I promise no oatmeal or post workout photos – those I post for you on facebook.

  7. I guess the silver lining of my crappy job is that I have a job, and that I don’t have to do it forever, thank the baby jesus.

  8. Too bad we live on opposites sides of the US .. we could totally be unemployed together and entertain ourselves by doing really fun shit!

  9. I year ya on this one! Both my hubby and I are unemployed (well I was a student, but I grad on Thursday). Silver lining, haha it’s taken awhile, but I can do whatever I want when I want!! I’m living the dream – the moneyless dream but whatever!! This will be my first summer in 15 years of not working my bootay off… I’m looking forward to it.

  10. I got a job for you! You can come over and visit me and I will pay you in cookies and ice cream.

    Deal?

    But seriously, I hope you enjoy your freedom and do things you haven’t had the time for. 🙂

  11. Craiglist “missed connections” is the silver lining in anybody’s bad day! That crap is hilarious!!

  12. oh that sucks Eden, sorry ! I can relate. I have about 3 self employed jobs and it depends on the crappy economy to keep them going. oh and my husband performance (racing, not in bed…hehe). So that being said, my advice??? take a break, spend time with pops, ebay everything in your house, sell your car, and open up a freakin delicious cafe!

    😉

  13. I think you should do some freelance writing in the meantime! You are freaking hysterical, witty, and know how to integrate hooker, masturbate, and turd into one post. I think Maxim magazine is calling your name.

    And in all seriousness you should look into freelance jobs, you’re a perfect fit.

  14. You should totally get ripped. And train for a few marathons. People love reading about marathon training. And then invent oatmeal. And blog all about it. Then come visit my site and bitch at me for not crediting you when I make and post oatmeal. That could be fun.

    Ooooooh, you should also make all your photos about 1000x larger so they won’t fit on my computer screen, and I have to scroll to the right for about 17 minutes to see the entire picture. And also, please re-post the same pictures 7134 times. You should have a lot of time to do that now!

    ONLY if you do all of the above will you get paid to blog.

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