Committing Carbocide

Before I begin, I did a guest post over at my pals at Two Boos Who Eat. Its cleaner than my usual stints because it wasn’t my blog and didn’t want to taint it with words like googlesex and labia.

And onto my regularly scheduled post:

I have a medical condition.

It’s kind of rare, and most people that have it would probably freak out.

When you cut out my carbs, my foot goes right up your ass.

Butt seriously (yes, that second “t” was intended), carbs are severly underated.

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I’m a “wild child”. I drink from the tap, I dont wash my produce, and probably the “wildest” thing I do is deliberately ingest carbohydrates.

GASP!!!!!!!


I know, I know. Its wrong. And guess what? I’ve been doing it for years. Even when I was sick with an eating disorder, there was room for carbs in my diet. I’ll call them “sad” carbs because they came from bizarro sources like FiberOne and light bread,  but I was young. Even in college, I messed with carbs. I mean the peer pressure!!! You’d be at some college party, and the next thing you know, there’d be a bowl of pretzels going around, or popcorn, or even potato chips, and we’d put these things into our mouths and just… EAT them.

 Nowadays,  even dogs know how bad carbohydrates are.  Every product is advertised as being “low-carb”, including beer, lubricants, carpet cleaners, condoms, life insurance and Viagra.

Who eats bread anymore? And rice? And even fruit??? 

From my “Fear Foods” post, I realized many of my readers are terrified of carbohydrates. Because who knows, you might hand over your wallet  to a man armed only with a strand of  spaghetti. (“Do what he says! He has carbs!”).

I know, you’re not afraid of being robbed, I’m stupid, but not THAT stupid. Your afraid of gaining weight.

Why?

Because Dr. Atkins had a groundbreaking theory: Calories don’t matter!  Carbohydrates matter, which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high speeds and form tiny invisible bagels.
His discovery meant that as long as you avoided carbohydrates, you could eat high-fat, high-calorie foods such as butter, bacon, lard, crickets, chihuahuas, and even a unicorn. You could eat an entire pony! As long as that pony was not exposed to any sugar or starch. (since My Little Ponies smelled like cake, I wonder if they ar forbidden too????)

Please don’t send me hate mail about how sugar is evil. How my hamburger should be bun-less. Don’t give me some lame ass excuse that you are allergic to carbs. There will always be a carb you can tolerate if you are indeed telling the “allergy truth”. Rice, sugar, potatoes….there is A CARB FOR YOU! No excuses.

So let’s cuddle and nuzzle with some carb goodness.

Or at least with a pony whose ass smells of cake.

Have you shunned the poor carbs? How are you committing “Carbocide”? My carb weapon of choice is usually ice cream and cookies. The carbier, the better.

And to help you with your carb quota, here are the recipes for the carb goodies I’ve sprinkled throughout the post.

White Magic Cookies

Poptarts

Whole Wheat Pretzels

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37 thoughts on “Committing Carbocide

  1. This is hilarious.
    Unfortunately like many other ppl, women especially, I once became terrified of carbs because of how “deadly” the media led them on to be. Because of course carbs were going to make me blow up into the Michelin tire man.
    Fortunately, I realized I can’t live without them.
    I also come from a family that eats white rice, white pasta, and un-whole wheat-y things at most meals — like many other families.
    And fortunately I’ve kinda forgotten that ice cream has carbs haha. It’s more like a cream to me.

  2. My own personal carbocide happened back in high school, similar to yours; light bread (like seriously, 30 calories per slice?!), bunless sandwiches (which I still don’t understand how it’s still a sandwich..), and high fiber cereals out the wazoo. So happy to be over that!

  3. i’ve always been a carb lover. all my favorite foods are carbs.
    i could eat 10 servings of fruit and be okay with it.
    add some pasta and bread and we’re set.
    my mom is diabetic and is always counting carbs because her blood sugar levels spike a lot after eating something with a lot of carbs. she’s very active (trains for half marathons) so i don’t understand why it affects her so much. sad, because she feels like she can’t eat things like pasta, bread, or ice cream very often.

  4. I could never live without fruit – I eat tons of it! I laugh at people who eat 1/4 cup cantaloupe when i can eat a whole one in one sitting!! Atkins is just silly – calories do matter. Everyone has different genetic makeups and some do feel better and function better with very low carbs; others like me become evil two headed lethargic medussas without them. When I first developed ED, I lived on fireballs, nonfat frozen yogurt, air popped popcorn and baked potatoes with ketchup. No joke. I lost 30 pounds. Was I hot? No way – i lost muscle. It just proves carbs don’t make you fat. However, I know now I need protein and some healthy fats to have better health. There is a difference nutritionally speaking.
    I still love popcorn but I have backed away from potatoes and rice, not sure why. Some carbs I do stay away from but only because I know once I start, it’s hard to quit (I can take out a whiole box of rice chex or Kashi golean) – These type carbs are SO easy for me to go overboard on so I just stay away most of the time.
    But I love carbs and I try to eat the nutritionally good ones- good thing I love sweet potatoes and fruit!

  5. As one of the “carb phobic” previous posters, I have to say I laughed my ass off through this entire thing.

    Unfortunately, going “Paleo” for me has bastardized carbs in a way that is more health/wellness related, not “weight gain” related. It’s kind of like how someone who watches a video of a slaughterhouse decides to become Vegan – I’ve learned so much that is now engrained in my mind and is difficult to “unlearn”

    I did restrict carbs like a CRAZY person in the beginning – like, less than 15 g a day. Since I’ve started actually listening to my body and gotten off all of the insane-zealot Primal Diet boards, I’ve added much more fruit into my diet (which is a huge Paleo “no-no”) and am more lenient with starchy squashes and sweet potatoes, quinoa, ect. Still can’t do bread/pasta/sugar, but it doesn’t stop me from having an occasional slice of pizza or ice cream cone. Just depends on how shitty I want to feel the day after :).

    I’m all for eating what makes you feel good. Unfortunately, with my digestive issues most complex carbs are outta here. But hey, if you can do pasta and italian bread all day, the more power to you. I’m makin Vegan Mac n’ Cheese with all sorts of weird ingredients, so maybe that will fill a void in my carbless little heart 🙂

    • I’m sure the “paleo” diet has good intentions, but its diets like these that can really instill a fear of carbs and a fear of happiness, quite frankly… I know its hard to “unlearn” but you will find carb advocates out there too. Stop reading the “paleo” stuff touting how flour is the devil. Trust me, the fittest, healthiest people I know eat baguette on a daily basis.

  6. Just came across your blog and as someone who also has struggled with eating and exercise issues, AND teaches yoga (double whammy), I’m drawn to what you have to say. And you say it in such a compelling way. (loves me some cynicism along with a dash of realism, sometimes you don’t get enough of it in the yoga world)

  7. Eden,
    This little chunk of brilliance made my morning. I was giggling so much my co-worker came to see what the ruckus was about.
    This is Cream of the Crop worthy, for sure.

    I, sadly, am one of the pathetic people who let carbs bully me around from time to time. But I certainly have made grand strides away from the rock bottom of shunning carrots and tomatoes.

  8. Don’t give me some lame ass excuse that you are allergic to carbs. There will always be a carb you can tolerate if you are indeed telling the “allergy truth”. Rice, sugar, potatoes….there is A CARB FOR YOU! No excuses.
    I’ve noticed that many bloggers have some kind of intolerance that makes them avoid carbs … 😉

  9. i’m trying to figure out how I can make those pretzels GF!? Bring on the carb coma! I’m with ya.

    p.s.
    I dont really wash my produce either. I’m just lazy though.

  10. I love me some carbs. I stay away from processed carbs and white starches that can cause insulin spikes (not good for my PCOS insulin resistance!) But when it comes to all other carbs, my diet consists mostly of them (being a vegan)! Sweet potatoes, whole wheat (bread, muffins, bagels, flour,..), spelt, coconut, and almond flours, millet, quinoa, veggies, beans, fruits, vegan cookies, vegan pizza, the list goes on! If I didn’t eat carbs, I’d have nothing to eat!
    Atkins = Satan’s Diet 🙂

  11. L.to the O. to the L. throughout this entire post. Even scared the cats laughing so hard!

    You know me- I was literally an Atkins baby and went on my first diet at age 9 with my mom- THe new ATKINS revolution- the first time it did the rounds on this earth (funny, really because there wasn’t an ‘old’ Atkins revolution as this was its debut!). Can you imagine going through your whole childhood and adult and middle aged life with those carbophobic ‘rules’ in your head- can you see why I’m effed up and scared of croissants?

    Aside from all the ‘healthy’ veggie carbs, my regular carbs include: popcorn, dairy and sweets/chocolate (because life without them would be unlivable) and fries of all sorts. And bread in restaurants. (At home, carbs are either low cal crackers or light bread…sad I know)…but…

    Here’s something amazing that happened BEFORE I even read this post…I have earth-shattering/CNN-calling-worthy news for you: I had two (TWO!!!) pieces of Derek’s non-light-not-diet-non-sandwich-thin British bread as part of a sandwich for lunch today. Two. Real-person.Pieces. Of. Bread. THat hasn’t happened in about 8 yrs.

    I’m definitely working on this. And trying not to gain weight. I will admit that I’m thinner when I shun carbs, but I’m also pretty damn miserable.

  12. i actually read an article about how low-carb diets are complete scientifically WRONG and our bodies absolutely need carbs. I literally would be insatiable if i didn’t eat carbs.

    ps- i really love your blog and your style of writing

  13. I’ll admit it – I’m scared of wheat flour. Not a fan. Don’t like it. Always avoid it unless pizza is involved. Pizza night has no rules!

    Does the fact that I never wash my produce and that I drink from the tap make up for my fear of flour?

  14. I’ve been falling prey to the ‘OMG-you-fatass-it’s-your-fault-because-you-eat-carbs!’ thought process as of late. The thought that I could much more easily (or at all) lose weight if only my lazy ass could give up carbs, dairy, and some weird list of fruits . . .

    I don’t think I can. Or want to. Or will. So, apparently, I won’t lose these 15 pounds.

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