Before I begin, I did a guest post over at my pals at Two Boos Who Eat. Its cleaner than my usual stints because it wasn’t my blog and didn’t want to taint it with words like googlesex and labia.
And onto my regularly scheduled post:
I have a medical condition.
It’s kind of rare, and most people that have it would probably freak out.
When you cut out my carbs, my foot goes right up your ass.
Butt seriously (yes, that second “t” was intended), carbs are severly underated.
I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I’m a “wild child”. I drink from the tap, I dont wash my produce, and probably the “wildest” thing I do is deliberately ingest carbohydrates.
I know, I know. Its wrong. And guess what? I’ve been doing it for years. Even when I was sick with an eating disorder, there was room for carbs in my diet. I’ll call them “sad” carbs because they came from bizarro sources like FiberOne and light bread, but I was young. Even in college, I messed with carbs. I mean the peer pressure!!! You’d be at some college party, and the next thing you know, there’d be a bowl of pretzels going around, or popcorn, or even potato chips, and we’d put these things into our mouths and just… EAT them.
Nowadays, even dogs know how bad carbohydrates are. Every product is advertised as being “low-carb”, including beer, lubricants, carpet cleaners, condoms, life insurance and Viagra.
Who eats bread anymore? And rice? And even fruit???
From my “Fear Foods” post, I realized many of my readers are terrified of carbohydrates. Because who knows, you might hand over your wallet to a man armed only with a strand of spaghetti. (“Do what he says! He has carbs!”).
I know, you’re not afraid of being robbed, I’m stupid, but not THAT stupid. Your afraid of gaining weight.
Because Dr. Atkins had a groundbreaking theory: Calories don’t matter! Carbohydrates matter, which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high speeds and form tiny invisible bagels.
His discovery meant that as long as you avoided carbohydrates, you could eat high-fat, high-calorie foods such as butter, bacon, lard, crickets, chihuahuas, and even a unicorn. You could eat an entire pony! As long as that pony was not exposed to any sugar or starch. (since My Little Ponies smelled like cake, I wonder if they ar forbidden too????)
Please don’t send me hate mail about how sugar is evil. How my hamburger should be bun-less. Don’t give me some lame ass excuse that you are allergic to carbs. There will always be a carb you can tolerate if you are indeed telling the “allergy truth”. Rice, sugar, potatoes….there is A CARB FOR YOU! No excuses.
So let’s cuddle and nuzzle with some carb goodness.
Or at least with a pony whose ass smells of cake.
Have you shunned the poor carbs? How are you committing “Carbocide”? My carb weapon of choice is usually ice cream and cookies. The carbier, the better.
And to help you with your carb quota, here are the recipes for the carb goodies I’ve sprinkled throughout the post.