After my clever words of wisdom from yesterday, to my shock, not a single university or high school invited me to deliver a commencement address this year.
Jaw. Dropping. (PS, I was never keen on the whole period.after.every. word.like.what.is.it.trying.to.prove.???)
Since nobody likes a long lecture, just follow these suggestion for a swell future, grads:
The People On Facebook Are NOT Your Friends
Do I really need to be the one to tell you this? Just because you have over 4000 hits on your blog, or 5,000,000 twitter followers or facebook friends does not equate having a “real” friend.Consider yourself blessed to have five real friends who are part of the fabric of your life. Care about them deeply and never get offened if dont follow you on twitter.
You Aren’t An Expert
You know what pisses people off? That smug jackass who thinks they know “how to do it best”. They may have a Ph.D, a book, an Oprah appearence, or ripped abs, or something about them that makes you believe them that they really do.
If you have no idea what type of person I’m talking about then it may be likely that you are that person. So shut up, already.
Don’t Expect a Pat On the Back
Trust me, as an adult, start getting used to not receiving praise and awards just for showing up. As Mark Twain said, “The world does not owe you a job. It was here first.” Do your best, but don’t expect a consolation prize.
Laugh At Yourself
This is what makes the distinction between the dipshits and fucktards from the truly awesome people. People who take themselves too seriously give me a headache. Like Donald Trump. Shudder…
Be a Team Player
It’s only through forced group interactions that will provide you with stories to tell about creepers you used to work with (great for blog material as well as that book you’re probably trying to write).
God gave you two ears but only one mouth, and this was not only for piercing options. Listen twice as much as you talk. People will think you’re a genius.
You Education Doesn’t Matter
Well, it does and it doesn’t. A degree does not make you smart or more capable than any other shmo. Never stop learning from the things that happen in life. Whether its from cutting your own bangs or checking yourself before wrecking yourself, LIFE will give you a far more valuable than any degree.
Unless your life is Donald Trump’s. In that case, I just suggest a toupe change.
What do you have to say to the grads of 2011?