After my clever words of wisdom from yesterday, to my shock,  not a single university or high school invited me to deliver a commencement address this year.

Jaw. Dropping. (PS, I was never keen on the whole period.after.every.


Since nobody likes a long lecture, just follow these suggestion for a swell future, grads:

The People On Facebook Are NOT Your Friends

Do I really need to be the one to tell you this? Just because you have over 4000 hits on your blog, or 5,000,000 twitter followers or facebook friends does not equate having a “real” friend.Consider yourself blessed to have five real friends who are part of the fabric of your life. Care about them deeply and never get offened if dont follow you on twitter.

You Aren’t An Expert

You know what pisses people off? That smug jackass who thinks they know “how to do it best”.  They may have a Ph.D,  a book, an Oprah appearence, or ripped abs, or something about them that makes you believe them that they really do.

If you have no idea what type of per­son I’m talk­ing about then it may be likely that you are that per­son. So shut up, already.

Don’t Expect a Pat On the Back

Trust me, as an adult, start getting used to not receiving  praise and awards just for showing up. As Mark Twain said, “The world does not owe you a job. It was here first.” Do your best, but don’t expect a consolation prize.

Laugh At Yourself

This is what makes the distinction between the dipshits and fucktards from the truly awe­some peo­ple. Peo­ple who take them­selves too seri­ously give me a headache. Like Donald Trump. Shudder…

Real­ize you’re imper­fect and flawed and enjoy those aspects of your per­son­al­ity as much as you can. Because peo­ple who can laugh at them­selves are even funner to laugh with.


Be a Team Player

It’s  only through forced group inter­ac­tions that will provide you with  sto­ries to tell about creepers you used to work with (great for blog material as well as that book you’re probably trying to write).

Listen Up!

God gave you two ears but only one mouth, and this was not only for piercing options. Listen twice as much as you talk. People will think you’re a genius.

You Education Doesn’t Matter

Well, it does and it doesn’t. A degree does not make you smart or more capable than any other shmo. Never stop learning from the things that happen in life. Whether its from cutting your own bangs or checking yourself before wrecking yourself, LIFE will give you a far more valuable than any degree.

Unless your life is Donald Trump’s. In that case, I just suggest a toupe change.

What do you have to say to the grads of 2011?


26 thoughts on “Commencement

  1. Yup. You learn quickly that no one thinks you’re special (that isn’t related to you or a friend)
    *you don’t get congratulated for doing your job–only yelled at if you don’t *social media is not a replacement for actually thinking yourself and expressing those thoughts in complete sentences
    *no one cares about a GPA, ACTs or what a great leader you sound like on paper.

    In the end, you have to fight for what you want and work your ass off. Or, marry Donald Trump and put up with that crap 😉

  2. I know a lot of people graduating this year and out loud I say good luck. Inside I say good luck and I hope you have a thick skin.

    Overall I don’t believe that who you are on paper (grades, activities, etc.) has anything to do with being successful. It’s how you use and “sell” whatever the heck is on that paper!

  3. In the words of Risky Business…

    “Sometimes you gotta say “What the Fuck”, make your move. Joel, every now and then, saying “What the Fuck”, brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future.”

    seriously. sometimes that’s just whave you have to say.

  4. I wish someone had said this to me when I was that age. Although, I didn’t graduate from a college. I got my degree from the college of life. And we never stop working on our masters.

    I would tell them that whatever they want to do in life, there is always a way. Believe it is there and you will find it. My single mom gave me those words of wisdom and they have sustained me through every day of my life.

  5. “God gave you two ears but only one mouth, and this was not only for piercing options. Listen twice as much as you talk. People will think you’re a genius.” – Love that. Also love those sweet potato cookies from your last post. I want.

  6. My advice is be kind and learn some social skills. Getting your “dream job” (whatever that might mean, I haven’t figured it out yet) are more about who you know than what you know. So get off the computer and make some friends (as per your #1 suggestion).
    And yes a degree doesn’t equate to being a know-it-all. I’m almost finished my PhD and the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I will never know everything, something new is always right around the corner.

  7. the bit about having 5 true friends is more important than ten zillion facebook ones is so true. who wants a zillion acquaintances if they have nobody to text when they realize their roots and that corn on the cob lead to an awful situation. oh.. wait.. i spared you that text earlier today… well then.. this is awkward.

  8. I disagree with the last one …

    I would say “Get an Education.” A diploma doesn’t matter … unless you luck out and get a job you love that doesn’t require more than grade 12. But that is tough! A degree doesn’t necessarily make a person smarter or better, but it does build confidence, help kids to grow up and learn responsibility (hopefully) and set them up with a better chance of finding employment.

    • I think there are lots of irresponsible people with degrees though. At least in the US there are. Some of the most successful people I know barely graduated high school. Not to put down degrees. They are great and I wouldn’t trust a doctor without one, but they arent everything. I think high heels are better at the confidence thing 😉

  9. Fucktards is my new favorite word.

    I actually only have one ‘friend’ on facebook who I’m not quite sure who they are- they snuck in somehow. Everyone else is a friend. Or rather an acquaintance. My true friends are countable on hands and feet. Maybe just hands. 🙂 You are one of them.

  10. PS I agree about education- while it does matter to a certain extent, in the real world a diploma will not get you everything you want- you’ll go further with street smarts and some drive.

    Also, I’m with whoever said ‘Lower Your Standards’ that was a KEvin & Bean staple and i subscribe to it wholeheartedly!

  11. I hate the period after each.word.too. with a passion.

    whenever I read your blog I wish other people whose blogs are annoying would read it and then change. but likely they are just thinking you are wrong. no, you are right!

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