I know I’ve done the “Dear Online Dater” posts every week.
What?! You haven’t read them!? Go read them right now.
Back yet? Good. Let’s continue.
I’ve gotten so many comments from people telling me I’m too harsh on these guys and that some of them seem “sweet”. Although I’ll still be your friend because you haven’t had the pleasure of seeing their drop-dead-gorgeous faces, I’ve decided to formulate a dating guide for guys. This probably not apply to most girls, only whack jobs like myself. So proceed with caution.
Don’t Wear Cologne: Just cause a girl carries a Gucci purse, doesn’t mean she’ll want her man to smell like Gucci. For the record, my purse is Club Monaco and I don’t want my man to smell like a club or Monaco for that matter. I like when a man smells like man. Well…… a CLEAN man. Not “man-who-hasn’t-changed-underwear-and-is-afraid-deodorant-will-give-him-breast-cancer”. I call that dirty, and a little hypochondriac.
Open doors for her, but don’t overdo it: I hate to be cliche, but I like to be reminded chivary is alive and well. Opening the car door is a brilliant, classy move. As opposed to say, farting and then locking the car doors. But you don’t have to take off your jacket over puddle or pull my chair for me. Mainly, that creeps me out. Too much bending over backwards to act like my slave makes me feel a little too superior. Next thing you know I’ll buy a plantation and make you pick cotton.
Go to a movie with a bunch of hot women in it and tell me they’re all fake and too skinny. Its ok if your lying about this. Just dont tell me.
Save Your Brags For Your Mom: I’m sure you just got a new part in a movie/screenplay’s about to sell/ about to close a deal/ going to Sting’s house for Boxing Day/your cock makes other guys in the urinal jealous, but it doesn’t matter because you’re a douche for telling me this on a first date.
Don’t Call Me “Cute”:Oh great, like your little sister? What girl can resist being compared to your 7 year old sibling? Or a kitten or a puppy. Well, maybe a puppy because I’m quite the bitch after all.
Don’t Make Homophobic Jokes: It sets off my gay-dar. Plus, my gay BFFs will throw their mocha frappachinos at you and run you over with their VW bugs. You’ll be “fabulous” road kill.
Don’t Try To Convert Me: I don’t want to be vegan, or a Scientologist, or a “gleek” (see above), or saved or whatever. I’m pretty confident in my beliefs and you don’t see me trying to circumcise you and force feed you foie gras. Although the foie gras bit sounds thrilling.
Say I’m Beautiful: Even a cynical girl like me will fall for it. “Hot” is condescending and as I mentioned, “cute” will make me feel like your little sister. Say the words from that annoying James Blunt song and I you’ve got some major points scored. Plus, it will make me feel superior without that whole “plantation/slave” scenario.
Ladies: What are your tips for guys (or girls if you swing that way, no judgment)
Fellas: Do you have any tips for the ladies? Or perhaps tips of your own for other guys.
Of course, on a totally different note, something pissed me off today and when I’m pissed, I bake. This was I produced:
- 1 cup all purpose or coconut flour for those gluten free people
- 1/4 cup quick cooking oats
- 1/2 tsp baking powder
- 1/2 medium banana, mashed
- 3 Tbs greek yogurt or any yogurt
- 1/4 cup milk or water
- 1 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 sugar or sweetener of choice (if you have that NuNaturals Stevia Blend, this works well here)
- a small box of raisins (yes, I cant buy a bag of raisins, I need the portion control but this is about 1/4 cup)
This could not be simple. Simple grease a loaf pan. Mix all the ingredients and bake at 400 degrees for 25 min.