Caramel Cookies and How To Look Poor

After writing this post, I’ve decided to actually tackle some taboo topics.

I have tons to say about poo, but I’m saving that for another time.

Today, I’m gonna tell you how rich people like to pretend to be poor.

I went to a very expensive high school. Most of my classmates were rich. Some were “make-me-want-to-puke-because-you-have-a-butler-and-a-private-jet” rich. But I was on scholarship, and paid about 1/40 of the normal tuition. It was not unusual for some girl at my high school to ask me,

“you go here? you don’t look rich!” (I kid you not, this totally happened!)

Now don’t get me wrong. I had what I needed, but not everything I wanted. I’m not living on the streets, but I know what its like to struggle with finances. And so before you read any further, I should warn you that I don’t REALLY know what its like to be poor. I joke that I’m poor. But I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I’m not shopping at whole foods, but I’m also not shopping the dumpster. So like always, take what I write with a grain of kosher salt.

Oh dear…

With the economy being a little limp, it’s suddenly become so trendy to look poor. People pay lots of money to look poor! They will go to hippie concerts like Coachella and not shower for a week so they can mingle with other “poor” civilians. There are very few rich people left, so it might be very lonely to be rich these days.

Fear no more, I have tips to help you achieve that “I’m poor” look:

Mismatched Clothes: Poor people have to make do with the treasures they find in a dumpster or what a shelter might give them. So that may be magenta leggings with flannel overalls and LA gear sneakers where the lights don’t work.

Give Up Some Of Your Recreational Sports: Let me tell you something: poor people don’t ski, sail, horseback ride, or scuba dive. Did you ever hear a kid from an inner city school say,

“Yo, I’m goin to Vail to hit up the slopes!”

Yea. Those sports involve money. Your gonna have to participate in activities that don’t cost 900 bucks in just apparel and gear (let alone lift tickets). I would try basketball, hand ball, even jacks with some stolen sugar packets. Now that sounds like a fun but modest activity!

Don’t Shop At Target: A lot of my rich friends will be all,

“I’m so poor! I shop at TARGET for crying out loud!!!!”

Shut up. Everyone shops at target. I saw Leonardo DiCaprio at Target with his hot, skinny girlfriend (no, I’m SOOOO not jealous of her).

Shopping at places other than Saks or Barney’s does not make you appear poor. Poor people don’t shop. They window shop. Even on itunes.

Bottom Line: If you are reading this, you probably aren’t poor. There is nothing wrong with having money. And if you do have money, don’t try to pretend like you don’t. Just don’t be pretentious and feel free to be generous.

At least by the homeless a pair of LA gears with lights that work.

Or at the very least, buy me a pony.

Are you shy about your financial situation? Do you ever act like you have more/less than you do to “fit in”? Will you buy me a pony?

So I have no brilliant transition into today’s recipe. I just found a package of caramels that I got I got in a gift basket from like seven years ago.

Caramels dont go bad, right? Oh well, these cookies were still excellent. If I don’t post tomorrow, the caramels were for sure bad. And…ugh…call my dad. Tell him I love him.

So recreate a possibly less toxic version you will need:

  • 1/2 cup oatmeal
  • 1/2 cup all-purpose or coconut flour
  • 1/2 cup sugar or sweetener of choice
  • 2 tbs peanut butter
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup milk of choice
  • 1 egg
  • 8-10 caramels

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Grind up the oatmeal and sugar in a coffee grinder/magic bullet/foodprocessor/blender. That way you get like a powdered sugar oatmeal. This is good shit!

Anyhow, mix all the ingredients up with a mixer or if you want to go “hobo” like me, a plastic fork I stole from 7 eleven (no joke, its what I used. Our washing machine is broken and yes, I’m losing sleep over that). Once all is mix form into small balls and place on a greased cookie sheet. Unwrap a caramel and place it in the center of the cookie dough. Bake for about 10-15 min. The caramel will spill over and burn a little. But its yummy that way. Makes 8-10 cookies.

Garlic Bread Socca and The Scary Side of Overexercise

I sometimes ponder to myself how I EVER had an exercise addiction. How did I manage to haul my lazy ass-less ass to the germ-infused gym for so many hours and not contract some sort of STD?!

How the fuck did this happen?

Because the truth is, exercising can also be a little scary. There are tons of fitness blogs that will try to convince you otherwise (and I’m prepared for the hate mail I’ll receive), but trust me, it can do some crazy ass shit.

Not good shit. Bad shit.

Examples? I’ll give em to ya:

You Become A Sweat Fountain: Over exercise, and you might constantly look like there is a localized rainfall around your body. There actually is science behind this. As you increase your exercise intensity and duration, you condition your body to be better prepared for nazi athletic punishment. So even a little exercise an you’ll become a sweat fountain. A mere walk up the stairs and your body will go:

“Really, Eden!? Another stair-a-thon?! Oh well we better cool you off pronto by making your body look like its crying!”.

And no amount of deodorant will cover up that stink bomb.

Body Parts Will Go On Strike and Get Ugly: I’m sure 99.9% of you do exercise cause you want to look hot. Don’t be in denial. No one honestly loves spinning. They love feeling skinny and that’s what spinning might do to them. To each his own. Anyhow, you may think you look great in a bathing suit, but the truth is, if you overexercise, some body parts will go:

“Eff you, bitch! I’m being abused and I will get ugly!”

Oh, yes they will.

Exhibit A: Feet- Go ahead and burn your sandals/flip flops because the sight of your toes will look scarier than a Kim Kardashian sex tape.

you'll need a pair of these....

Manicurists will totally talk shit about your toes in a language you won’t understand. Actually, you might have no toenails at all.   Your feet will be calloused, smelly, and they call it “athletes foot” for a reason. Think about it…

Exhibit B: Nipples- God, I hate that word! I’m not saying “nipples”, I’m saying “utters”. Anyhow, girls get some leeway here since most sports bras wick away moisture. But when men sweat, they leave behind a layer of salt around their “utters” . And that combined with utters rubbing against a shirt….anyhow, you end up with bloody utters! Now that, is scary, ugly shit that cows will so not be jealous of!

Exhibit C: Chafing- Because nothing is as attractive and classy as a rash that resembles something you contract on a safari between your thighs.

You Reproductive System Will Hate You: For the three guys that read my blog, engaging in sustained physical effort cause your genitals to shrink. I know, I think this is why Cheryl Crow broke up with Lance Armstrong.

Ladies: Too much exercise and you period will scram. And that sounds like a dream and all, but you period is kind of important. Your bones will become brittle and more prone to fractures so you REALLY won’t be able to exercise.

But all in all, I guess being skinny, brittle, hairless and unable to become pregnant makes you a real catch for the douche population.

So there, I found an exercise silver lining after all!

Did I miss a side effect?

And maybe your sick of my little socca kick from last week. But tough shit cause I have a bag hanging around and I’m gonna use it up because I’m a cheap Jew that can’t throw away food, dammit!

For the “Garlic Bread Socca” you will need:

  • 1 cup  chickpea flour
  • 1 cup water
  • 3 cloves finely minced garlic
  • 3/4 teaspoon sea salt
  • 1/8 teaspoon thyme
  • 1/2 tbs dried oregano
  • 2 tsp dried basil
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
    Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
         Mix together the wet and dry ingredients.
        Pour the batter into a greased pan (I used a loaf pan but a cast iron skillet is the one most people use). Bake until the socca is firm, about 25 min. 5. Slide the socca out of the pan onto a cutting board, slice. I like adding a bit of salt a garlic powder onces its all slices up.

Blog Posts I Want You To Write

I have a feeling most of my readers think I’m a whiny, wanna-be humorist with noting to do but make fun of people.

Boy are they right….mostly.

I’ve whined about blogs before, and I’m certain some of you think:

“Eden! Stop fucking complaining! If EVERYTHING annoys you, why dont you tell us what you want to read from blogs!”.

Ok.

Here you go:

Shit/Poo: Is “shit” making you uncomfortable because its profanity? Fine. I’ll use poo.

 Happy? Now listen up:no one ever writes about poo. But we do it everyday (or at least we should…) and I’d like to see a blogger write about their poos and poo adventures. Maybe they can do a run down of the different kinds:

“ghost poo; when you feel the it come out, but there is no evidence in the toilet”

or

“SURPRISE poo; You’re not even at the toilet because you’re positive its merely a fart, but….surprise…….a poo!!!”

or

“Corn Poo; enough said”

Sexy Time: Ever since I saw Borat, I’ve replaced gross words like “coitus” with “sexy time”.

Anyhow, its totally understandable why people would hesitate to write about their sex lives. For one, I’m sure their partner would have a stroke if they found out their sex lives were being gossiped about on the internet. I bet this is an effective way to sympathize with Charlie Sheen. Plus, its taboo to talk about “sexy time” unless you’re with your therapist or OBGYN. However, I think it would be entertaining and refreshing for someone to write up a post titled: “10 Way My Hubs and I Keep It Exiting On Our 30,000 Thread Count Sheets!”

And if they do so I’ll forgive them for using the word “hubs”.

Processed Pleasures: I’d like for someone out there to please blog about their latest Value Meal purchase from McDonalds. PLEASE!

Um....I know people poo poo Mcdonalds, but this looks delicious to me. I'm so lovin it.

 And maybe throw in a cheese whiz and a fried twinkie for good measure. I pinky swear it won’t give you a stroke!

Being Rich and Privileged: Funny enough, everyone likes to pretend they’re poor.

This is awful because it makes actual poor people like myself have high standards to live up to. The thing is, there are more penny pinchers out there reading blogs so even rich bloggers will poke fun at “how cheap they are that they shop at target” (har-har-har!). Or, they’ll write a post on how to whip up a beautiful dinner for 30 for under $30! For once, I’d like for a rich blogger to write, “I’m loaded, my Visa Black Card is tired, and I wouldn’t be caught dead as a sardine in economy class on my way to our villa in Monaco!!!”. Then again, I bet “the help” write the blog anyhow…

In the meantime, I’ll gladly dispense hobo tips like how to redecorate your box/home. Or how to get those skid marks off your toilet from the “Pop-A-Vein-On-You-Head-Poo”. Trust me, those tips are handy!

So, fellow bloggers out there, please write about one of these topics. All your usage of annoying cute words (yummers, amazeballs, etc…) will be forgotten. And for the readers out there, are there any topics YOU wish people would write about?

Salted Peanut Coconut Brownies and Types of Blogs: Categorized

There are billions of blogs out there.

(Cue the random food porn)

Maybe you read one or two (thanks for choosing mine as your selected few). Maybe you read hundreds. I don’t really care how many you read, as long as you read mine.

Anyhow, blogs aren’t exactly snowflakes. Many are so much alike that I wonder if the author is so bored, they started writing a brand new one in addition to their old one just to kill time (um, do these people have jobs? Or a sexually satisfied partner?).

So to make your life easier, I thought I’d categorize the different blogs for you:

Political blogs: Such blogs are popular among non-bloggers because nearly everyone gives a damn about politics. You are sure to find a blog out there that will support SOMETHING you believe in. Whether you think cats should have the right to have abortions, or whether you think marijuana should be sold in vending machines, there is a political blog for you.

“This Is What I Ate” Blog: It’s no surprise that these blogs don’t interest me. Unless you are Anthony Bourdain; I’m dying to know what that dude has for breakfast. Such blogs also fall into the “cute-food-name” stereotype; using big words like “yummers” and “bloobs”. I don’t understand them, like are we all supposed to read in envy? How do we know they aren’t lying?  Maybe I’ll start a blog of what I eat and put weird stuff like old shoes and hair. Cause nothing is as tasty as some hair with a side of boots for supper. And nothing makes my brain vomit like describing such a feast as, “yummers”.

 “Trick Me Into Clicking” blog: These blogs have those obnoxious ad programs installed that double underline words on the page and provide you with an ad if you mistakenly click. As soon as I see those fake links on a blog post I refuse to read further. I assume the post was written by a Jew (I’m a Jew, so this joke is politically correct) solely to make money on the ads and not to provide me with any useful or interesting.

Travel Blogs: I hate these blogs. Not in the way I hate Kim Kardaishian, but in the I-am-so-jealous-of-your-life-way. These blogs are more enjoyable when I have money in the bank to actually go to the destinations they write about. But if you like day-dreaming about travel, you might fancy these blogs. I wish these blogs wrote more about how to score super cheap plane tickets/hotel rooms or how to smuggle food past the TSA. Hell, even mile-high club stories would be entertaining (and possibly gross).

Food Porn Blogs: They take pretty pictures and make you all tingley inside. Also known to cause, drool and “foodgasms”.

On a Mission Blogs: These blogs are on a mission. “Losing 100 pounds in 40 days!” or “Going Vegan for a Year!” or, “Replacing my Boyfriend with My iPad for a Month!”. You read them because your curious to see if they can do it or totally crash and burn. I’m personally dying to know if that girl with cheated on the iPad, and I’m totally not touching that iPad.

The Train Wrecks: You may read them every single day and never even comment on a single post. They are usually painfully pathetic, but yet you can’t help but look because its like a train wreck, and you just have to watch. I should know better, but there are few blogs I never comment on but I know they are just a lovely mess and I can’t help but join in the rubbernecking. Fess up, I know you’ve done it!

What are the categories of blogs YOU read? Which category do think you belong in? I think I belong in the “So-stupid-they-think-they-are-funny-or-something-and-here’s-a-recipe” category.

Since I’ve been missing my friend’s muffins, I thought I’d tweak her original recipe a bit to make use of some salted peanuts lying around. Heres what went in my Smoothie Girl muffin/brownie remix:

(makes about four generous portions)

  • 1 cup coconut flour (all purpose is fine too)
  • 1/2 cup sugar or sweetener of choice
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tbs peanut butter
  • 1/2 cup milk of choice or water
  • 1 tsp kosher salt (save half the salt to sprinkle on top before you bake)
  • 1/4 cup chopped roasted and salted peanuts (or any nut of choice, I also used walnuts in my “nut mix”)
  • 1/4 cup cocoa powder
  • 1 egg or 1/4 cup egg subsitute

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Simply mix the wet and dry ingredients together throughly. Pour into a pan (I used a loaf pan and not normal brownie pan because this only makes four servings). Pour the chopped nuts and kosher salt on top and pat down with you palm so they stick onto the batter. Bake for 20-25 minuets or until the cent is firm. Allow to cool for about 5 min before taking it out of the pan.

And even thought I’m not “that kind” of blog, I ate some today.

Oh, The People You’ll Meet And What I Didn’t Eat

Its no secret that I’ve spent the last few days away from home and with my fabulous friends with round the clock movie watching at the Palm Springs Short Film Festival.

And I know what you want.

You want pictures of what I ate because you either want to drool, jack off to a picture of a yogurt mess, or are just curious about what I eat. And maybe you think I’m still all disordered and live off protein powder and air.

Sorry to disappoint, but I took zero pictures of food. But feel free to jack off to a picture of a mug.

And for the record, most protein powders make me cringe. I’m way too chubby to live off protein powder and air. I’m a total fatty cause I eat animals and “white” carbs. Duh!

Anyhow, instead I thought I’d give you a run down of the wonderful characters I’ve met:

Film Festival Sluts: I suppose they are a grade above the sluts you might see at a sorority or in stores like Bebe and frozen yogurt joints.  These sluts are all “bohemian” and “artsy” cause they go to short film festivals in towns run by the “Gays and Grays”. But they all dress alike. Scantily clad in micro mini skirts, sans bra and panties. And annoyingly skinny that you can’t help but eye them up and down and consider force feeding them a fried Snickers bar or giving them a brochure to an Eating Disorder Rehab.

Outraged Octogenarians: The one gripe to seeing tons of movies with old folks is that they will get mad at you if you disrupt their patronage with your “new age” smartphone use in the theater (yes, even if it’s on silent, remember, that light your phone gives off causes their hip to break!).

“I Know Better” Octogenarians: Film festivals are fun because the producers/directors/actors are often in the audience and have a Q and A after the film. And if you are over 80, that gives you the right to alter any film if you don’t fancy it. So those over 80 will feel perfectly fine telling the directors/writers how THEY intend their film to end. Because they’re “older and wiser”, and clearly know better.

Yea, they are cooler than you think

Cute Queers: Not cute like the way Bradly Cooper speaks french, cute as in watching Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp” with the spaghetti bit. I don’t know what’s in the air in Palm Springs, but it seems to attract the most romantic queers.

My favorite couple of all

They open doors for each other, buy each other flowers and I’m guessing would share umbrellas on the three days out of the year that it rains. Why couldn’t straight guys act like that?! Anyhow, they also come in handy if you need fashion advice. Cause when a girl asks a girl for advice like that, she will do everything in her power to make her friend look fatter/uglier/smellier/hairier than her. Trust me.

The “Special” Breed: And then you will meet people of a COMPLETELY  different breed. These people are kind, generous, STRAIGHT, smart (most of the time), and…………

hairy (in a good way). And its people like that give the desert a good reputation, and its people like that who make me feel cool. Because if they would want to hang out with me, I must be cool.

Have you met any characters like the one’s I’ve encountered? Who makes you feel “cool” ?


Written From the Desert: Dear Online Dater

I guess it’s no secret that I’m visiting friends for a few days.

 

friend #1 and friend #2

 

friend #3 (in rad, red car) and #2

 

So even though I wrote about how I intend to finally start reading some blogs, that has been slightly delayed by good old-fashioned “sit in an arctic freezing theater because its 112 outside”. And every time I whip out my phone to catch up on blog reading, some octogenarian yells at me that the light from my phone is causing her hip to somehow break. As much as I love old people, they always have to blame things on their deteriorating hips!

Hence I don’t have the time and energy to compose moving, thoughtful, pulitzer-prize-worthy posts.

Not that you should expect that from any of my posts.

But what I do have is an inbox full of messages from my online dating adventures that I have been dying to answer. 

Hang tight, these are good,  and sadly, very real:

“What’s your take on younger men?”

– YoungGuy

Dear YoungGuy,

I like my men like wine, so just text me when your balls drop.

-Eden

Well as we all know, words are HARD! but with practice we can use letters to form words, words to form sentences, and sentences to construct complete thoughts… I however never learned to read or write so I just hope these squiggly images make sense to you.
-Squiggly Man

Dear SquigglyMan, 

Squiggly lines just remind me of doctor signatures and misspelled words on my computer. And I think the only thing hard at the moment is your dick.

-Eden

I got quite a few chuckles out of your profile. Don’t be surprised if you look at my profile and I’ve copied some of your jokes. I’ll use proper MLA citation, or should it be Chicago style since this is closest to humanities?

-ProfileStealerMan

Dear ProfileStealerMan,

Citation? Dude, my online dating profile is COPYRIGHTED! Just like my invention of water and all my recipes! You must put the correct citation, link, and write me a check for $50,000 dollars in royalty fees. Then we can talk…

-Eden

heyy my sexy girlfriend and myself feel that you would be perfect to step in on a 3some! i feel we all would have a great time together and really hit it off!! so let me know what you think if your interested or not….
-Mr. T and Ms. S

Dear Mr. T and Ms. S,

Wow! I’m SO flattered because knowing I turn BOTH genders on! I better move onto bigger and better things so I’m gonna try to sleep with transgendered animals like seahorses or some type of rare bird. So unless one of you happen to have a beak or perhaps a tail that swirls up, I’m not interested. Plus, I hate sharing. I’m one of the few people who tout that “sharing is scaring”.

-Eden

Alright, do you have any better responses? Are you guys sick of these “online dater” posts? If yes, feel free to yell at the screen because I won’t hear it or give a shit anyhow.

Guest Post: ED Parody

I don’t let just anyone guest post.

You don’t need a degree or Ph.D, or have written a book, or a popular blog.

You just have to be cool, bold, and tolerant of my own naughty writing style. And my friend, Sophia, is all those things and so much more.

 I am blessed to live in the same city as her so I can have playdates with her on a regular basis. And I’m honored to have her guest post today.

 So I give you Sophia’s ED parody letter today. Enjoy and move your ass, bitch.

 Hi, I’m ED.

It’s short for eating disorder, you idiot. And I have no gender. I’m too fabulous to have a sex. I like both male and female, you got a problem with that?

Now, you listen to me. You need me. No really, you do. Why, you ask? Because I promise you everything you could ever want. I mean, who needs friends and family, right?

Who needs happiness and freedom? I promise you thinness. Of course, at some point you’ll lose a bunch of hair and your skin will get dry and scaly and your breath will stink. You’ll kind of be like a fish. A bald, rotting fish with a poky spine.

But fuck that. Oh wait, you can’t, because you’ll become frigid. You’ll totally lose your sexual appetite, but all appetites are the devil anyway. Who needs them? You just need me.

Damn you, why the hell are you sitting there reading this? Get your lazy dimpled ass out of that chair! You better be doing some leg lunges while reading this. You get to burn 5 calories more! That is a whole extra cup of black coffee you get to have in exchange! Though…hmm, better stick to plain water, hmm?

 I mean, look at the way your thigh wobbles when you shake it. How gross. Can you feel the fold of your stomach when you scrunch over? That is FAT. How disgusting!

Ah, don’t worry. I still love you. Only I will love you. That’s why you better love me too, bitch.

 Haha, just kidding. You’re not a bitch. But you know who’s a bitch? Those people telling you you look horrible and that you should eat a burger. Fuck that, fuck them! Don’t listen to them. You know what they’re trying to do, right? They’re all trying to make you FAT. They’re jealous of you because your fart is way stinkier than theirs.

In fact, the whole world is out there to get you. They just want to make you FAT. Only I understand you. Only I get you and will love you for who you truly are as a person: someone who wants to be thin. Look, because I’m an honest, good person, I’ll be frank with you. You’ll die. Or at the very least, you’ll damage your internal organs and lose tons of essential bone mass. But look at it this way: organs = weight. Bone mass = weight. No weight = you lose pounds!! It’s really a win-win situation.

 And when you die, I promise you, you’ll be thin and pretty. I’ll be right there with you in your grave. I’ll be there forever with you, so long as you love me back. I promise you that. It’ll just be you and me, baby.

Now love me, bitch. And put down that 20-calorie rice cake and do some push-ups.

-XOXO, Your bitch forever, ED.

 

EDEN’S NOTE: Thank you Sophia for contributing. Thank you ED for being a limp-dick-ass-poopy-head (I tried to think of a bad name, and thats what came out). I so don’t miss you.