I’m off on a little vacation this weekend.
So to cover for me, I have a bunch of fun special guest posts lined up.
Today, I have one of my favorite blogger friends filling in. Sarah from The Smart Kitchen. I don’t let just anybody on my turf. But I’m honored by her presence. I sometimes think she stole my brain or something. Anyhow, if you like me, you’ll love her. And if you don’t like me, tough shit.
(NOTE: She has my permission to call me a “loser”. Infact, I’m kind of honored).
Without further ado…..I give you Sarah.
Greetings from the happy place* we call Austin, Texas…home to endless food trailers and Tex-Mex cantinas, an inordinate number of both hipsters and cowboys, the mecca that is Whole Foods and farmers’ markets of all sizes…but most importantly, me and my blog, The Smart Kitchen.
*That does not exist only in my mind, and does not require hallucinogenics to get there.
I’m super excited to be able to do a guest post on Eden’s blog…because I’m sort of obsessed with it. I feel like being called up to the big leagues of blog losers and being allowed to fill in for its star.
Yes, I just called us both blog losers.
Wait, Sarah, what’chu talkin’ bout woman?
Are you insulting the person who’s letting you post on her beloved blog?
Yes,yes I am. And I know she doesn’t care, because she pushed publish.
Yes, y’all. I am a blog loser. (And not only because I say things like “Howdy y’all” and “super excited.”) I tried valiantly to fit into the healthy living blog world, but relatively quickly realized that just wasn’t going to happen…so I’ve accepted my place as an outcast, a misfit, and underdog who tries to be snarky but cannot keep down her innate nerdiness and knows that she will never be the popular girl….but will make it out alive anyway.
Much like a character on Glee. Hence the blog post title.
[Loser qualities #564-566? I am a Gleek. And I love Gossip Girl.
And once did a whole post that was just a picture of Zac Efron. What now?]
I once wrote a post about how blogging in this “healthy living” community is like being in high school…and today I’m going to address the reasons I am, and will always be, a loser at Sweet Blogger High, and tell you how you can be one too.
And, so you don’t get confused, I’m sticking with Eden’s style (and one I utilize on many occasions): the almighty list. Oooooh, let’s call it the LOSER LIST! [And yes, I just did a little happy dance, complete with hand claps and squeals at the thought of alliterating the list.]
How To Be A (Blogging) Loser Like Me
Do happy dances, complete with hand claps and squeals at the thought of being able to alliterate a list (or blog post title, or recipe…or anything really). Basically, do a lot of happy dances.
Don’t buy organic. Dude, who has the money? My dad is a biochemist who studies pesticides and HE doesn’t even buy organic. So, well, what’s the point? Also, don’t worry about buying local. Damn the man (save the Empire!) who tries to tell you that you shouldn’t want to eat pineapple or watermelon even if you live in, say, North Dakota. [And if you live in Texas, you can make the case that Mexico IS local.]
Don’t wash your grapes. Equate ‘rinsing’ with washing. Don’t worry too much about germs. Or expiration dates.
Eat the same thing every day. You’ll never escape loserdom if you do this. No one wants to see three thousand shots of the same salad (with alternating proteins) packed in your Tup-faux-ware container that you take with you to work five days of the week. And seriously? Cottage cheese and hummus are NOT all that attractive.
Go to work. Seriously…you will always be a loser in the blog world if you dedicate your life to anything else. [I just got laid off…so I’m thinking blog stardom isn’t far behind!]
Have only one set of dishware and no fun-and-fancy placemats. Despite my excessive number of bowls, I pretty much photograph my food on the same few plates and in the same few bowls. I’m not made of money.
Eat unbalanced meals. I mean, if you’re going to buy three $1.99 watermelons in one week and make Chai Nut (Tea) Butter, clearly “dinner” that night is going to involve half of a watermelon and three-to-twenty spoonfuls of nut butter.
Eat meat. And like it. [Seriously, there is nothing that will outcast you more than piping into a conversation with the phrase, “So the night when I ate pig brain…” or “I really only like to eat hamburger buns if the meat juice has really soaked into it.”]
Give up oatmeal. [Six months where the closet thing to oatmeal I’ve had was oat flour in a sponge cake recipe…I’m destined for failure in this world.]
Don’t drink green monsters. You’ll never fit in if you can’t talk about how great drinking your breakfast is. [Only losers think you have to chew to be satisfied.]
Speaking of drinking…Drink. Coffee! Diet Coke! Fizzy water! Or–gasp!–tequila…*
*But only if you are over 21 years of age.
Care very little about “being green.” It might be my favorite color, but aside from recycling, I have no interest in composting or making my own kitchen cleaners from all-natural ingredients. In fact, I have no real interest in even cleaning the kitchen in the first place.
Hate running. Or, at the very least, don’t understand how people can run so much and for so long.* Go to the gym and do the same routine every day and week. Consider going home if you forget your new issue of US Weekly or the TVs are broken and you can’t watch The Real Housewives.
*To my dear marathon-running friends: I applaud your dedication. It just makes me an outcast.
Eat processed, packaged foods. I believe Cool Whip and Lucky Charms are real foods. Real good…
Love Adam Richman and Michael Pollan in equal amounts. Yes, I have a huge crush on a man who gorges himself on fried, greasy, would-make-me-ill food for a living. I don’t care what you say…I want to eat everywhere he has, and I associate cities with restaurants in which he has eaten. I also believe wholeheartedly in Michael Pollan’s mantra of “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” Hey, you can’t be an emo-loser without some internal struggle between good and evil, right?
Don’t have too many deep thoughts. Aside from my occasional soapbox post about school lunches and childhood nutrition, I really don’t blog about anything too serious. The most you can ever hope to learn from me is what a persimmon is, or how to cut a pineapple. [Even then, I suggest wearing the fronds as a hat…so I’m not sure how enlightening that really is.] If you never take a stand lambasting anyone and everyone who opens a bag of potato chips or occasionally eats fast food, you’ll never be a blog star.
Be a flagrant self-promoter. I use my blog as an excuse to do ridiculous things and take awkward pictures of myself. I’ve never stood up in a restaurant and screamed “I AM A FOOD BLOGGER! BRING ME FREE DESSERT!” but my book light and tendency to stand up in between tables to get just the right angle pretty much screams, “Look at me!” I love to drop my business card. No high-and-mighty, “I’m doing this just for fun” outlooks here. It IS fun to blog. But it’s also fun to get free food. And go to free blogger dinners and parties.
Don’t read “popular” blogs. I’ve met many of the more ‘famous’ bloggers, and some of them I even developed legit friendships with. But I don’t regularly read their blogs. I like to stick with my people…the losers like me.