S*** My Mom Says

Have any of you heard of Justin Halpern?

He’s the creator of the Twitter phenomenon “Shit My Dad Says and published his first book about a year ago. He also had CBS pick his book up for that kinda failed series, “S*** My Dad Says”

PS, my first book comes out … never.

But as I said in this post, my mom sure knew how to be silly. I have a feeling if I knew where twitter and blogs could take you when I was eight, I would have written all the shit she said down cause I’d be a guaranteed a book deal.

But I didn’t and all I have is my goldfish memory. And with that I leave you today, Mothers Day, with some shit my mom said.

“Ah Fuck! I hope you get a fucking ticket. Bitch. What? I can call her a bitch because she’s a woman.” -My mom when being cut off in L.A. traffic

” Big Macs are gods gift to mankind.”  -My mom’s diet advice

“Just the usual Jew-fro” -orders to her hair stylist

“You can only call me ‘mummy’ when we’re in Sydney” -When visiting out family in Australia

“Cadbury Fruit and Nut” -When asked by her doctor if she is on any medication

“Who wear jean’s on an airplane? What is she, a cowgirl?” -My my mom, on an airplane

“I want to see Jay Leno tonight.” -I kid you not, my mom’s last words

My mom and I loved skiing. She often said, the best skiing is in Canada because no one there threatens a lawsuit.

What shit does your mom say???


17 thoughts on “S*** My Mom Says

  1. Your mom sounds so cool. There are plenty of jew-fros in my family too but both my mom and I managed to escape them.

    One thing my mom always said that I found funny was, whenever I wanted to change my clothes before leaving the house (to go to the grocery store/dentist/whatever) she would say, “what’s wrong with what you’re wearing? You’re going to the store, not to a fancy dress ball.” But…it totally doesn’t sound funny when I write it -_-

  2. She was right, Cadburys fruit and nut IS medication. It’s better over here though, trust me. If even you visit, stock up.

    My mum also swears like a trooper in traffic. I’m shocked by the crap that comes out of her mouth sometimes. I don’t even feel like I can type it here.

    I’m assuming there’s no recipe cos everyone’s out buying Cadbury fruit and nut? 😉

  3. I’m pretty sure my mom has ADD. She says whatever is on her mind with no filter.. but she doesnt swear, it’s against her value system.
    But I can’t think of anything funny she’s said. My dad, on the other hand, can be humerous.

  4. My mom says the most random stuff, all smushed together. Email is a great medium for this. An example (fictionalized by yours truly): “The cat puked in the garage today. I am making sausage, biscuits and gravy for dinner. Dad won’t be home to eat it so I’ll probably eat alone and watch TV. Did you hear your brother passed his calculus exam? I keep telling him to throw those old socks away but he won’t.”

    She also is incredibly cheesy but I love it. “I love you oodles and boodles.” Then I have to respond: “And gobbles and dobbles.” Otherwise, she won’t go away. More examples: “Know what I mean, jellybean?” “Go to bed, Fred.”

    I love her.

  5. Ha! I remember when my mom got her computer in her final years (go mom, a Mac!!), she sat there, trying to figure it out and all of a sudden she goes “Fuck!” hahah. She also used to she ShitFuckFart when she was frustrated with something. That was a fave. She also was swedish so she would quote things incorrectly or pronounce them wrong: “calamity” was pronounced “cala- MIGHT- y” for example. And she used to crack ‘yolks’ on people for fun. Tee hee! She had a great sense of humor.

    Sounds like your mom had a wicked sense of humor too which is definitely where you get it from.

  6. PS Derek always smelled a rat with that Justin dude. I followed Shit mydad says on twitter for a while and if I’d read stuff out to derek he thought that Justin just made it up. I was gullible and believed it. Yah, I watched one part of an episode on an airplane and it wasn’t what I’d hoped. :-/

  7. Buahaha, your mom is awesome! I appreciate anyone who knows how to use her profanity.

    My mom isn’t the funniest, but sometimes the most random stuff pops out of her mouth. One time, since she’s pretty conservative, I teased my mom about inter-racial dating. She replied, “Silly, it’s not about race, it’s about background. I don’t care who you get with as long as he has a good background.”

    When finding out my boyfriend was Jewish: “I’m so glad! Jewish men are so sexy and charming!”

    When she noticed me oggling some hot middle-aged guy: “Oooh, you should find out if he’s single.”
    Me: “For you?”
    Mom: “I’m married, I meant for you.”
    Me: “WTF? He’s way older than me!”
    Mom: “So? You’re not a child. And you’ll get taken to way better places.”

    I swear, she has to be the only mom who would congratulate me if I called and said “Mom, I got laid!”

  8. As one who is prone to cursing, the swearing made me laugh pretty hard. My mom usually only says funny things on accident – but when I was 12ish, she picked me up after catholic education class and she asked me what we talked about. I told her premarital sex, and she urged me not to listen to the church on this one because, “would you buy a car before you test drove it?”

  9. Your mom was an AWESOME lady!!!! She is hilarious, and it is obvious where you get your humour from! I love that she replied with “Cadbury fruit and nut” when asked about medication – that is totally something my mom would say too.

    The best skiing is totally in Canada!!!!!!!!! What’s a lawsuit?


  10. Love this. Sounds like your mom was hilarious.

    My mom has the lamest expressions that we tease her for all the time.

    My favorites…
    “Oh for the love of Henry!” (to which we ALWAYS reply…who the hell is Henry??)
    when life isn’t fair she says:
    “Tough titties said the little brown kitties.” (Um…what?)

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