Funny how I keep getting responses from my “returning online dating messages post”.
I was super tempted to post some more messages, but I’ll save it for next week. I don’t want to give you an online dating overdose.
So instead I thought I might show you what my life as a single, post college aged girl in LA does.
8:30 am: Workout in Bradley Cooper’s gym. Of course I look like a Gray Busey so prospective dates are far-fetched.
10 am – I Shower. Should I shave? You never know where the night will take you, right? I mean I’m not that kind of girl but… maybe I am. I decide to skip this step because frankly, my legs are cold and I’m lazy.
10:30am- have what I call “2nd Breakfast”. Usually pancakes or a carton of greek yogurt and cereal if I’m super lazy. I check my OKCupid account. 2 new messages. All talking about cutting to the chase and them having a “big cock” (their words, not mine, and totally not even being the slightest bit sarcastic).
11:00am- Go to work. Usually I need to go to the farmers market for the family I’m cooking for because they are “organic nazis”. There are lots of cute guys at the market. But none give me a second look because the “Gary Busey” look from earlier hasn’t worn off yet. I end up with too many apples because all the cute guys happen to work at the apple stands.
12:00-4:00pm- I’m at work. I cook. With Uggs on cause I’m fashionable like that.
No coworkers to fuck in the xerox room so I makeout with a apple in the kitchen when my boss leaves. I also end up cooking lots of apple pie for some reason.
4:00pm – Stare at my phone willing it to vibrate or ding that annoying ding the iPhone makes. My tentative date time was “around 7″ from this “high school flashback” that I ran into at Ikea from last week. I feel that this is the latest he should be confirming and I start to fume.
4:20pm – Stare at my yoga mat. Think about going to a class and hitting on some male yogi thats all “zen” and shit. But decide to venture to Ikea instead. Big. Fucking. Mistake.
4:45pm – Stare at happy families shopping blissfully for modular furniture. I try eye-fucking some nerdy guy in the bedding section and get the stink eye from his wife/girlfriend/true love. Oops.
5:10pm – Walking through the children’s area cry a little looking at adorable little toys I’ll never buy for the children I’ll never have. Then I see the children there whining and my heart smiles I’m not their mom.
5:25pm – An onslaught of texts appear. Any from this “high school flashback” guy? Hell no. These are just my helpful friends asking if I’m excited, what I’m wearing, where I’m going, etc. I want to break the bedside table I won’t be able to assemble and gauge my eyes out with Ikea meatballs.
6:00pm – Sit on my kitchen floor struggling to put together my table and chugging diet root beer that will surly develop into a stomach cancer due to the aspartame levels.
6:20pm – Hardcore fuming commences as I will definitely not be hearing from this guy and I find myself bingeing on all the extra apples I bought.
7:00pm – Start perusing OKCupid for chicks (I’m only half-kidding).
9:00pm- I fall asleep in pain from all the apples I consume.
12:00am- I wake up in a mountain of apple cores. Only one cure. Chocolate!
Fast forward to Sunday circa 8:00am. Text from him: “I forgot my phone charger at my parent’s house this weekend and didn’t know your number. I knew that you would be pissed off because I wouldn’t be happy either. Anyways I will drop your number from my phone so that you will not have to deal with me again.”
I thinking this dating shit is gonna be even worse than I imagined it to be. How do you like dem apples?