Hourly Breakdown of My Single Life

Funny how I keep getting responses from my “returning online dating messages post”. 

I was super tempted to post some more messages, but I’ll save it for next week. I don’t want to give you an online dating overdose.

So instead I thought I might show you what my life as a single, post college aged girl in LA does.

8:30 am: Workout in Bradley Cooper’s gym. Of course I look like a Gray Busey so prospective dates are far-fetched.

10 am – I Shower. Should I shave? You never know where the night will take you, right? I mean I’m not that kind of girl but… maybe I am. I decide to skip this step because frankly, my legs are cold and I’m lazy.

10:30am- have what I call “2nd Breakfast”. Usually pancakes or a carton of greek yogurt and cereal if I’m super lazy. I check my OKCupid account. 2 new messages. All talking about cutting to the chase and them having a “big cock” (their words, not mine, and totally not even being the slightest bit sarcastic).

11:00am- Go to work. Usually I need to go to the farmers market for the family I’m cooking for because they are “organic nazis”. There are lots of cute guys at the market. But none give me a second look because the “Gary Busey” look from earlier hasn’t worn off yet. I end up with too many apples because all the cute guys happen to work at the apple stands.

12:00-4:00pm- I’m at work. I cook. With Uggs on cause I’m fashionable like that.

sexy

No coworkers to fuck in the xerox room so I makeout with a apple in the kitchen when my boss leaves. I also end up cooking lots of apple pie for some reason.

4:00pm – Stare at my phone willing it to vibrate or ding that annoying ding the iPhone makes. My tentative date time was “around 7″ from this “high school flashback” that I ran into at Ikea from last week. I feel that this is the latest he should be confirming and I start to fume.

4:20pm – Stare at my yoga mat. Think about going to a class and hitting on some male yogi thats all “zen” and shit. But decide to venture to Ikea instead. Big. Fucking. Mistake.

4:45pm – Stare at happy families shopping blissfully for modular furniture. I try eye-fucking some nerdy guy in the bedding section and get the stink eye from his wife/girlfriend/true love. Oops.

this is kind of what my eye-fuck face looks like. But no, I'm not eye fucking the photographer.

5:10pm – Walking through the children’s area cry a little looking at adorable little toys I’ll never buy for the children I’ll never have. Then I see the children there whining and my heart smiles I’m not their mom.

5:25pm – An onslaught of texts appear. Any from this “high school flashback” guy? Hell no. These are just my helpful friends asking if I’m excited, what I’m wearing, where I’m going, etc. I want to break the bedside table I won’t be able to assemble and gauge my eyes out with Ikea meatballs.

6:00pm – Sit on my kitchen floor struggling to put together my table and chugging diet root beer that will surly develop into a stomach cancer due to the aspartame levels.

6:20pm – Hardcore fuming commences as I will definitely not be hearing from this guy and I find myself bingeing on all the extra apples I bought.

7:00pm – Start perusing OKCupid for chicks (I’m only half-kidding).

9:00pm- I fall asleep in pain from all the apples I consume.

12:00am- I wake up in a mountain of apple cores. Only one cure. Chocolate!

For the record, I dont love tolberone but it will do.

Fast forward to Sunday circa 8:00am. Text from him: “I forgot my phone charger at my parent’s house this weekend and didn’t know your number. I knew that you would be pissed off because I wouldn’t be happy either. Anyways I will drop your number from my phone so that you will not have to deal with me again.”

I thinking this dating shit is gonna be even worse than I imagined it to be. How do you like dem apples?


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31 thoughts on “Hourly Breakdown of My Single Life

  1. Dating is awful. I’m lucky I snagged myself a good one after only a couple of dates or I would have gone completely crazy.

  2. Wait, WTF? He doesn’t call you, and then his apology is that he’ll delete your number? I think you had a close call there Eden. He sounds whacked.

    You gave me a laugh with “all “zen” and shit” — I used to think I wanted one of those guys, but then realised that I’m much happier with a dude who drinks beer and goes running with a hangover.

  3. Hahaha… loved this!!
    Almost makes me miss my dating days!!

    I was SUPER guilty of checking my phone, rechecking it in case I accidentally missed a call… then having it sit right in front of me while blow drying my hair, so at least if it lit up I could answer!

  4. God that is such an annoying passive-aggressive response. If he changed his mind about going out with you he should have texted you right away (even to lie and say something came up) instead of making you wait around for him. If the charger story is true, and it IS plausible, he should have apologized profusely and asked you to reschedule–not pre-emptively decided that you’d never want to see him again. I mean really. Ughh!

  5. I feel violated after looking at your “eye fuck” picture…in a very good way.

    I’m so glad I stumbled (soberly) onto to your blog…it always brightens my day.

  6. i happen to love ikea food! yep, i’ve grocery shopped there before 😉 cannot get enough gravlax.

  7. OK so Derek will be sooooo happy when he reads this post for two reason:
    1) The Kotbullar (aka Swedish meatballs of which we have one if not two bags right now in the freezer
    2) You alluded to the possibility that you could be lesbian. (how’s that gonorrhea anyway?)

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- embrace the laser. No.More.Shaving.Ever.

    And I’ll just blow your cover right now and say that I don’t believe you would ever flirt with a taken guy. But you can aspire to do it: just make sure you stalk one of your former internet dates who did you wrong and then go stick your tongue down his throat at Ikea in front of his pregnant wife and whiny kids. Oh that would be evil.

    Yah, your dude was so helpful in deleting the number for your benefit- thanks.

    • 1) For the record I look at pictures of the girls to look at my competition 2) I told you. I tried being a lesbian for a week in college. Lesson learned: women are crazy! I’m truly surprised men like them. 3) that being said, I would be a lesbian for betty white 4) Confession: I go to ikea to eat (and eye fuck nerdy men, but the food makes me salivate more)

      • 1) Yeah right- let’s let Derek have hold on to his dreams.
        2) You are so right- women are crazy and I know b/c I’m one of them!
        3) I love that= Betty White is da bomb- and you aren’t even ageist- go you!
        4) Seriously have you ever had the frozen yogurt there or the panini? When I go to Ikea (hoping I don’t get knocked up just walking thru the aisles), I have to go to the special cafe that sells the panini and get Derek several kinds. Makes his day!
        5) I spelled Kottbullar wrong (and that’s not because I don’t have the funky keyboard)…what kind of half-Swede am I??

      • 1) derek dreams I’m a lesbian? thats only cool if betty white is my mistress, 2) they have paninis? I’m obsessed with those little d’aim chocolate thingys and those cracker things that look like wheels of cheese 3) yes, women are crazy, but you’re one of the sane ones. Don’t fret, it doesn’t mean I have a crush on you. 4) I can’t spell ANYTHING from ikea! its all called “ljsgic” and “svekass” and stuff like that. I gave up on the ikea spelling. lets just say, “meatball”

  8. When I’m on facebook I’d rather look at pictures of chicks than dudes — but I’m not a lesbian! They’re just so much prettier…haha.
    Aw, and hopefully said boy won’t ruin Ikea/apples for you.

  9. Ha! I almost went to Ikea today, but decided not to beacause putting together their furniture makes me feel angry and dumb..kinda like when you watch an episode of Jersey Shore.
    And I meant to comment on your last post about online dating..
    I too signed up on OKCupid..half out of boredom, half out of being sick of meeting dumb comedy skanks at my shows.
    And what I’ve learned from making that profile on OKCupid, is that I not only attract dumb girls at shows but also online.
    I guess smart girls don’t like funny dating profiles!
    Feel free to see for yourself: http://www.OKCupid.com/profile/epicrocker

  10. I agree with the first commenter, I totally want your job.

    Also, this was another post that had me completely bursting out laughing 🙂 You make me wanna wear uggs, drink diet rootbeer and troll online dating sites for girls! Hehe!

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