Dear Online Dater…

I can’t believe its come down to this.

I belong to a dating site half seriously. I dont really believe in internet dating, but there is no way for me to meet anyone since I work with children most of the day. And I’m not a cougar….yet!

And I have had no luck online dating. Instead, I’ve had tons of interesting messages sent my way. Think of them as “virtual pick-up lines” . I’ve decided to post them and answer them. I’m sparing you the photos of those who sent these love notes because I trust you want you dont fancy projectile vomiting on your pricy keyboard.

NOTE: my profile was written in my usual sarcastic, cynical tone. Hence the weridos I attracted. And yes, sadly, these are all real messages I received.

“So you’re an excellent sleeper and walker, but the question remains, what kind of breather are you??? I know, that’s a dumb question. You’re a yoga instructor, which means you’re a professional breather. “

Dear Breather-fetish-man,

Contrary to what you might think, I dont breathe all too well. A yoga instructor just means I pretend to be vegan, quote Indian gurus, and put people in compromising positions for an hour. Hold on a minuet while I suffocate.

-Eden

“How much does a polar bear weight? enough to break the ice.

I’m pretty much clueless as to how to make these types of messages anything but awkward…….hence the cheesy pick-up line. I was wondering if you might want to grab a coffee sometime?”

Dear Polar Bear,

I dont drink coffee. So I grab polar bear’s arses instead. Way fluffier.  Cheeseball.

-Eden

“I think you should make me something to eat sometime! 🙂 “

Dear Hungry,

:/

-Eden

“I very much enjoyed reading your profile. I think its awesome you are a cook and get paid to do it. I like to think i can cook. But it doesnt pay my bills… I work as a tech recruiter. Not a dream job. My manager is an alcoholic so i stay entertained. I applogize for the bad pimcuation. Im on a mobile and dont want to go back and delete. Im sure youre arent too confused on anything im saying. Have a ba frm
Ucsb. Live
Yea im gana wait til i get to a computer to finish this messege. Ciao”

Dear In-Need-Of-iPhone,

im not confussed. I hav da frm two. Im al so an alcoholick. whats ur bosses #?

-Eden

“Hey! Just thought I’d drop you a line to say hi.

hi.

Ok, I’m done. =) “

Dear =),

Nudge, nudge.

Ok, I’m done. 8(

-Eden

“So, obviously you passed the beauty test or shallow men would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that–without a doubt –your profile looked to have been written by a guy; it’s just too perfect. I came to your defense, of course, but now we’ve got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose $20? =]”

Dear Gambler,

Well, hard to tell who wins.  You see, I’m a dude. But I walk around with a prosthetic vagina and a long haired wig. Let’s call this a draw, eh?

-Eden

And you wonder why I’m single?

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34 thoughts on “Dear Online Dater…

  1. Bahahah! Prosthetic vagina!!! Hahah. And I love the :/ face too- that is just classic. I simply can’t believe those are real messages, but then again of course I do. But hey you passed the beauty test so stop complaining! I’ll set you up with one of Derek’s numerous single 40 something friends (or 50 or, well higher) and then we can be sorta related.

    As I’ve told you before, had I not met Derek, I’m convinced I’d be an old maid. Or a cougar- rawr.

  2. I’m pretty sure you need to publish a book just with these e-mail messages.

    Actually, maybe we should compile all of the hilarious messages sent to various bewildered and disgruntled women through online dating sites and make a book of those (clearly with your witty commentary included).

  3. A bunch of creeps! I had a friend who broke up with her man of 2 years, they both joined the same dating site and the site “reccommended” them to each other. (Of course, it was the same site they met on!) Awkward!

  4. Oh my god, you’re hilarious, but yes, with replies like that, it’s no wonder you’re single. It’s going to take a man with big cajones to handle you (and I mean that in a good way!) ;-P

  5. hahaha.. these are awesome. fact: not one but two of my friends bagged husbands on match.com, but they went through a lot of creepers like these guys. i wonder if these guys think their messages to you are actually going to get them anywhere…

  6. Hi, Eden,
    I’ve been following your blog for a while now; can’t even remember how I first found it! After reading this post, I thought it was the perfect time to write. This will blow my cover as a Jewish mother (albeit a hip one;)), but I have a great guy for you, who is as smart, witty, and cute as you seem to be (though he doesn’t live on the west coast)! If you are open to it, please feel free to email me. Yikes–what a first comment this is! Doesn’t hurt to try:)

  7. ROFL!

    I was always tempted to do something like this for a newspaper article. I’m thinking it might just be crazy enough to sell.

    I don’t totally hate internet dating though. There are quite a few people who’ve found success with it. But you live in a big pond, so there’s bound to be a lot of puff-fish and sketchy groupers.

  8. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I’ve so so been there. Along with meeting a guy that was at LEAST 15 years older than his picture (and I was in my early 20s at the time). the dude was wearing a fanny pack, track pants and a button up dress shirt. Followed by the fact that he pretend punched me in the stomach when we met.

    #2. Pre-dairy free days – we got ice cream at McDonalds – it came to $1.14 for the 2, he asked me to pay for half!!

    But that being said, I did meet my husband online, and he’s pretty amazing!! It only took about 76 dates to get to him, so keep going!! 😉

  9. no idea what rofl is either but you writing a crazy book is what the world needs not one from a healthy blogger and her oatmeal( although i do have it everyday but call it by its proper name bloody porridge!)

  10. Ha those are amusing, and way less creepy than what I would have imagined.
    I was on an online dating site a few years ago and a lot of my messages came from men who were 20+ years older than me, providing detailed descriptions of their sexual fantasies and fetishes. Since then, my view has always been “just say no” to internet dating, but it sure does have entertainment value.

  11. haha so glad you shared this, because I have thought about online dating. Like you I do not really in the work environment to meet people…I work from home, stuck in the kitchen all day. So are you happy with it so far??

  12. Pingback: Chocolate Ritz and Dealing with Rejection | Eden's Eats

  13. This is too hilarious. I’ve got to agree with some of the other commenters: you need to write these freaks back. And then put it in a book. With pictures.

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