I can’t believe its come down to this.
I belong to a dating site half seriously. I dont really believe in internet dating, but there is no way for me to meet anyone since I work with children most of the day. And I’m not a cougar….yet!
And I have had no luck online dating. Instead, I’ve had tons of interesting messages sent my way. Think of them as “virtual pick-up lines” . I’ve decided to post them and answer them. I’m sparing you the photos of those who sent these love notes because I trust you want you dont fancy projectile vomiting on your pricy keyboard.
NOTE: my profile was written in my usual sarcastic, cynical tone. Hence the weridos I attracted. And yes, sadly, these are all real messages I received.
“So you’re an excellent sleeper and walker, but the question remains, what kind of breather are you??? I know, that’s a dumb question. You’re a yoga instructor, which means you’re a professional breather. “
Contrary to what you might think, I dont breathe all too well. A yoga instructor just means I pretend to be vegan, quote Indian gurus, and put people in compromising positions for an hour. Hold on a minuet while I suffocate.
“How much does a polar bear weight? enough to break the ice.
I’m pretty much clueless as to how to make these types of messages anything but awkward…….hence the cheesy pick-up line. I was wondering if you might want to grab a coffee sometime?”
Dear Polar Bear,
I dont drink coffee. So I grab polar bear’s arses instead. Way fluffier. Cheeseball.
“I think you should make me something to eat sometime! 🙂 “
“I very much enjoyed reading your profile. I think its awesome you are a cook and get paid to do it. I like to think i can cook. But it doesnt pay my bills… I work as a tech recruiter. Not a dream job. My manager is an alcoholic so i stay entertained. I applogize for the bad pimcuation. Im on a mobile and dont want to go back and delete. Im sure youre arent too confused on anything im saying. Have a ba frm
Yea im gana wait til i get to a computer to finish this messege. Ciao”
im not confussed. I hav da frm two. Im al so an alcoholick. whats ur bosses #?
“Hey! Just thought I’d drop you a line to say hi.
Ok, I’m done. =) “
Ok, I’m done. 8(
“So, obviously you passed the beauty test or shallow men would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that–without a doubt –your profile looked to have been written by a guy; it’s just too perfect. I came to your defense, of course, but now we’ve got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose $20? =]”
Well, hard to tell who wins. You see, I’m a dude. But I walk around with a prosthetic vagina and a long haired wig. Let’s call this a draw, eh?
And you wonder why I’m single?