If anyone knows what it takes to be a “real man”, its me.
I’m half serious.
But I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how men have it so unfair. They stop eating dessert and they start looking emaciated, they make more money than women, they don’t take forever to get ready….its kind of unfair.
So I’m making some rules.
So you whopping three men that read this blog will be informed and the rest of “man-kind” will be hopeless.
1. Never Be Too Excited About Your Birthday.
You present this facade of being a man and then when your birthday rolls around, you immediately grow a uterus.
It’s my birthday week! You guys, we are soooo partying!
Men can certainly have a birthday, but they can’t get all into it like women can. If you are a man, read that sentence above. See? Aren’t I right? It sounds unnatural. Unless you have a uterus, of course.
2. Never Wear Socks With Sandals.
Not just because it looks ridonculous (not a typo), but because it’s a sign you’re indecisive.
Are you protecting your feet against the open air or are you not? Women tend to be the indecisive ones. Plus, I believe Mark Zuckerberg trademarked the “sandal sock” look and the last thing you want to get yourself into is a lawsuit with Mr. Facebook!
3. Never Heart Anything.
I wrote about how I can’t handle “hearting”
But women can get by with it. Especially if they’re all cute and giggly. But men can never heart anything. If you ever slip, recover immediately.
Bob: Hey Cindy, I totally heart you.
Cindy: Say what?!
Exactly.
4. Never Own A Diary.
Bridget Jones can have a diary. As can Anne Frank. Men? Not so much. They can have a “journal”, but a diary is emasculating.
5. Have trouble opening jars
Because seriously, its not like I’m gonna do it. Not because I’m weak, its cause it will ruin my manicure
6. Drink Diet Coke
Thats why coke zero was invented. Plus, diet coke tastes like shit. Coke zero is way better. Even women should never drink diet coke (I know, let the hate mail begin)
7.If Two Men Are in a Fight, it Illegal to Kick, Knee or Hit Another Man in the Testicles.
Ouch
If you can’t win a fight the right way, then you probably shouldn’t be fighting in the first place.
8. You Can Pee Anywhere
Including the side of the dustbin, but make sure you don’t get caught, that’s if you don’t have a 5k in your pocket
9. Slapping Another Guy on the Ass is Only Allowed in Good Fun.
Not with intention. Slapping women on the ass without permission is unacceptable. Get permission first.
10. When Eating a Banana, Never Look Another Man in the Eyes and/or Comment on the Quality of the Banana
Eden's Eats 
Never drink pink cocktails with little umbrellas and decorative fruit?
Bahahaa!! ZOMGLOLZ!RAFLO or whatever the saying is- hee, I die!
And so timely because Derek & I had a running joke with my brother and SIL on our Hawaii trip and we were talking about things that men do that must mean that they have a vagina. So then the joke went on to be “Oh, he must be doing his Kegels” and then the word “Kegelian” was thrown around and finally my brother coined the name “Sir Kegalot” oh lordy we had so many laughs. And one of the Kegelian offenses is having a girly cocktail with an umbrella. 🙂
girls cocktails are only ok on a beach
Really, you make exception for men doing kegels on the beach? You’re very generous.
No, just for pink cocktail. Kegels are “vagina storms”.
I agree. My hubby drinks bahama mamas on the beach 🙂
you just gave me a very bad mental picture of men and kegels. I might scorn for life! haha.
Am I still allowed to kick a man in the nuts as another woman? It’s been a helpful defense.
yes, yes of course! as women, we are allowed!
Never say, “Like, omfg.”
thats rule applies to women too
I was chuckling a little until I got to #10.
And then I full-on lost it.
Good thing I’m home from school today, or my kids would have thought I was seriously disturbed. [Or I’d have to try to explain it to them and that would be awkward.]
I love these rules. It annoys me when ANYONE is too excited for their birthday. Seriously it’s weird.
I like when people slap my ass without permission…WHAT?!?
omg the banana! EDEN!
My guy friend once told me he gets self-conscious shopping for cucumbers. He says with bananas you can at least grab a whole bunch at once.
True, never even thought about cucumbers. And PS, guys can’t called the “cukes”
You had me rolling! Perfect list.
…I almost (accidentally) made a guy friend cry when he was getting all excited about his birthday. He caught me in a cranky moment and I snapped, “Why do you think anyone cares you were born?” Came out waaay meaner than I meant.
My eye-roll guy moment is when I see dudes at the gym checking themselves out in the mirror. If you aren’t checking your deadlift form, stop peeping. You aren’t going from scrawny to swole in 10 bicep curls.
Don’t assume that ALL woman need the post-coital cuddle. I have places to go, thankyaverymuch.
Also, I’m so with you on number 6. Diet Coke is disgusting. Coke Zero? Nectar of the gods.
I laughed so hard when I pictured Marshall saying “It’s my birthday week! You guys, we are soooo partying!”
Love this list. Thanks for the laugh! As always!
What is it about men eating yogurt?
I’ve only seen it one and the bizarro sight has me convinced…it is just not suitable.
I blame marketing…if you have a sec you will enjoy this (I think):
Sorry, I am a marketing nerd.
AHHHHH, socks with sandals. AHHH, haha, I HATE those..
number is 10 is the best! I can’t help but chuckle or LOLZ!!!!!!!!
hahahahahahaha this is so funny! I love the funny stereotypes 😉 And I totally agree with the yogurt missy!^^ But I happen to enjoy yogurt immensely, as well as Luna bars (nutrition for men) go figure!
Wow, kudos to for admitting that! It takes a real man to admit it!
Men should never drink liquor from a straw.
Man at bar. “Let me have a Jack and Coke”
Man turns to friend “Check out that girl” sip sip through a puny little cocktail straw. Hell nah…
Loses points on the man scale.
Get rid of the straw, and drink it from the glass.
after the Austin show, now you have 1 more man watching your show….just sayin
ditto the banana rule for a hot dog
And, men shouldn’t watch fireworks together
love.
rules to live by.
i will tell the others!
Yogurt is freaking delicious! I like to get plain and then make little tupperware’s of my own fruit at bottom…As a kid I always loved the fruit at bottom yogurts cause they were fun to stir, it makes me sad that I cant find them anymore.
I hate socks with sandals…I get angsty every time I see someone doing it, I get extra angsty when I see it done with black socks…
I finally lucked out with being allergic to bananas! I dont have to worry about number ten since I cant eat them! Woo!!! (Though, still sad cause bananas are freaking amazing!)