If anyone knows what it takes to be a “real man”, its me.
I’m half serious.
But I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how men have it so unfair. They stop eating dessert and they start looking emaciated, they make more money than women, they don’t take forever to get ready….its kind of unfair.
So I’m making some rules.
So you whopping three men that read this blog will be informed and the rest of “man-kind” will be hopeless.
1. Never Be Too Excited About Your Birthday.
You present this facade of being a man and then when your birthday rolls around, you immediately grow a uterus.
It’s my birthday week! You guys, we are soooo partying!
Men can certainly have a birthday, but they can’t get all into it like women can. If you are a man, read that sentence above. See? Aren’t I right? It sounds unnatural. Unless you have a uterus, of course.
2. Never Wear Socks With Sandals.
Not just because it looks ridonculous (not a typo), but because it’s a sign you’re indecisive.
Are you protecting your feet against the open air or are you not? Women tend to be the indecisive ones. Plus, I believe Mark Zuckerberg trademarked the “sandal sock” look and the last thing you want to get yourself into is a lawsuit with Mr. Facebook!
3. Never Heart Anything.
I wrote about how I can’t handle “hearting”
But women can get by with it. Especially if they’re all cute and giggly. But men can never heart anything. If you ever slip, recover immediately.
Bob: Hey Cindy, I totally heart you.
Cindy: Say what?!
4. Never Own A Diary.
Bridget Jones can have a diary. As can Anne Frank. Men? Not so much. They can have a “journal”, but a diary is emasculating.
5. Have trouble opening jars
Because seriously, its not like I’m gonna do it. Not because I’m weak, its cause it will ruin my manicure
6. Drink Diet Coke
Thats why coke zero was invented. Plus, diet coke tastes like shit. Coke zero is way better. Even women should never drink diet coke (I know, let the hate mail begin)
7.If Two Men Are in a Fight, it Illegal to Kick, Knee or Hit Another Man in the Testicles.
If you can’t win a fight the right way, then you probably shouldn’t be fighting in the first place.
8. You Can Pee Anywhere
Including the side of the dustbin, but make sure you don’t get caught, that’s if you don’t have a 5k in your pocket
9. Slapping Another Guy on the Ass is Only Allowed in Good Fun.
Not with intention. Slapping women on the ass without permission is unacceptable. Get permission first.
10. When Eating a Banana, Never Look Another Man in the Eyes and/or Comment on the Quality of the Banana