The following post may offend you.
You might own some of the afflictions I list, and cry all over yourself after reading this.
But I have to write this, regardless of who I injure on the way. I pray that it just won’t be one of my readers that I like.
Since I was an innocent toddler, I’ve been insulted by thousands of people. Each shattered my emoticons until I retreated into the caverns of my college dorms room to become what I am today.
A bitch blogger with an appetite.
So don’t fear if you have any of these afflictions. I have several more which I’m keeping mum about for the sake of losing all my readers.
The 7 things you’re not allowed to say about someone’s appearance.
You’re Balding, Ma’am.
If a guy’s bald, it’s hilarious.
Homer Simpson, Uncle Fester, Britney Spears.
But if a chick’s balding, we’re not allowed to say anything.
Equal rights my ass.
Your Body Odor Is Very Pungent.
Check this one off for me because I’ve been told I smell.
Mostly by my parents who would say: “Did you just come back from PE? Maybe a shower is good.”
Then I have to lie and say I went to PE.
We both know I hate PE. I’ve had a “needs to participate more” on my report card along with an “C+” in PE since I was old enough to take PE.
Your Kids Are Ugly As Ass.
There’s something that separates us from animals.
A tiger can look at its kid, who might have some jacked-up tic-tac-toe stripes, and think god, my kid looks like shit.
Humans can’t do this.
We immediately think our kids are gorgeous, angelic little creatures, even if they’re alarmingly ugly.
Humanity needs to learn from the tigers, and I guess zebras too.
You Have An Errant Nose Hair.
Have you ever been in a meeting and someone with a lot of power gets up to say something. He’s saying “these first quarter results are disappointing, people.”
And all you can think of is: ” hello nose hair! You grew so long! All your brothers and sisters grew an appropriate length but you don’t fit norms, do you? You are the Yao Ming of nose hairs.”
Okay, maybe just I do that.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a shower. So whats missing from the list???
And on to the food segment of the program…these aren’t creative because everyone has seen these on some blog. So I just added greek yogurt to make them a little different. They still taste like the carnival.
- 5 turkey, veggie, or plain old mystery meat hot dogs
- 1 cup fresh or frozen corn
- 1/2 cup yellow corn meal
- 2/3 cup All Purpose or corn flour (masa)
- 1/4 cup greek yogurt
- 2 eggs
- 1/4 cup sugar, sugar sub, or honey
- 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
- 1/4 tsp salt
Combine flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl. Mix well and set aside. In a separate small bowl, mix together corn, eggs and yogurt. Stir thoroughly. Add contents of the small bowl to the large one, and stir until completely mixed.
Chop your wieners (not literally, this is not a castration) into small slices.
Add those to the large bowl, and stir until they are integrated into the batter.
Line 12 cups of a 12-cup muffin pan with baking cups and/or spray with nonstick spray. Evenly distribute batter among the 12 cups. Top each muffin with hot dog slices.
Bake in the oven for 15 – 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean.