How to Be the Worst Facebook Friend

How lovely was our guest post?

What?! you missed it!? Read it here. Then come back to this post because its a good one.

Facebook is like a high school dance. It can be fun and and filled with a cast of interesting characters. And then there are the other people. The ones who make you cringe when you see them coming and make you want to ditch this dance all together.

So I’ve put together a guide to becoming “that friend”:

10. Like an Awful Status:

My friend and I were talking about this the other day. Its just kinda sour when someone “likes” a really depressing status.

Justine: just broke my arm in a bumper car accident!

You: Like!

Walter: My Rottweiler is having a seizure!

You: Like!

Peter: Oh crap! I’m having a herpes flare up!

You: Like!

9. Comment on their pictures saying that you can see a side boob or an ass crack.

Bonus points for wedding and graduation pics.

8. Attract Grammer Nazis: 

“So sad about Fara Fauset butt Im so gladd its fryday yippe”.

Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like Paris Hilton.

7. Become an Invite Whore:

“Support my cause. Sign my petition. Which ‘Jersey Shore’ character are you?Here are ’25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me.’ Here’s a drink. What drink are you? We’re soul mates! I took the ‘Which Dictator Are You?’ quiz and found out I’m Joseph Stalin! Which dictator are you?”

You probably mean well, but stop. Just stop. I don’t care which dictator I am — can’t we simply be friends?

6. When Facebook changes their layout, get a little ape shit. 

Ask your friend how he plans on dealing with the issue.

Dude, they changed the top toolbar.


Do you know what this means?


It means we have to blow shit up.

 5. Abuse “LOL

LOL is really getting abused. When I’m actually laughing out loud at something, I now have to write “Literally laughing my ass off!” Because some fools use it constantly, even when nothing remotely funny is being said. “Is it sad that I just drank a magnum by myself because I just found out I have Hep-C LOL.” “Does anyone want to go out tonight, I’m bored and lonely LOL.” Sad statements followed by LOL are really sad.

4. Send Invitations To Events In Unreachable Locations 

Dude, did you RSVP to the party on the Gulfaks C Platform?

Umm….that sounds like an offshore oil rig.

Thats precisely where the coolest parties are, bitch!

3. Get a Room

Constantly update about how much you love your significant other and make people want to vomit. If you don’t have a real partner, then update about how much you love your gadgets such as the new iPad4. 

2. TMI:

“Off to see the gyno to have an ingrown hair on my labia lanced! Wish me luck!”

and finally

1. Poke

It was invented for a reason.

Alright, any tips for being the worst facebook friend? Any experience with your worst facebook friend you want to share? Let’s bitch it out.


27 thoughts on “How to Be the Worst Facebook Friend

  1. Oh cripey I LOLdMyAssOff! Hi-fricking-larious. Here’s a sad scenario: Derek on his iphone, LOLing his ass off. Me, in another room on my laptop LOLing my effing Ass off. Then we go to the same room and say “Eden’s Post?” “Yup”..LOLOLOLOL! You kill me!

    I STILL think that they need a DISLIKE button. Herpes flareup: Dislike. Although I would definitely have some fun with someone by “liking” that! haha.

    • remember what abby said about the “meh”? We need that too. And having you “lol-your-ass-off” as well as derek doing the same makes me able to go to sleep happy.

  2. Ahaha, you brought some snarkiness and silliness pretty fast! This is golden Eden. Particular favourite: the dude who blows shit up because facebook changed the toolbar!

    The people with the invites and farmyards and quizzes and stuff I end up shushing, i.e. clicking the “less of this person” button. I also routinely cull my friends list, though according to my IRL friends (yes, I just wrote that for real) this is callous or melodramatic or something. It’s a little embarrassing when people re-friend you..

    Sleep well 🙂

  3. I have to say what really gets me is when fellow bloggers constantly suggest that I “like” their page on facebook. I hate liking things. I don’t like things. I may love your blog…but I don’t like it on facebook. End of story.

    And that is why eats well with others does not HAVE a facebook page. Might be bad for my pagecounts. But I’d rather keep my soul.

  4. I’ve blocked a couple friends & family members b/c their statuses and stupid things they’ve said make me cringe whenever I read them. I ignore most requests, and pretty much use FB the same way I do Twitter–Just to cram my blog down everyone’s throats, or to whine about how much I want a vacation. 🙂

  5. let’s bitch it out hahaha. yes. if i see one more thing about farmvilled i will vomit. another fave of mine is when my friends that have kids talk about breastfeeding in their status. seriously? wtf.

  6. I am so tempted to deactivate my Facebook. I don’t remember half of the people anyway and it seems so creepy.

    But at the same time it offers some comic relief (LOL h*ll)) and an easy way to contact “friends” and at least keeps somewhat up-to-date in one place. Plus since practically everyone has an account it seems mandatory.

    Still hate it though…..(: Oops is the (: sign now not cool?

  7. Sadly, my mother is my dreaded facebook friend. I love the woman with all of my heart but her status updates and incessant poking is enough to make me crazy! She also overuses LOL but it’s okay because I know she’s seriously laughing out loud!

  8. Now that I have every aunt, uncle, and grandparent on facebook they like to write huge paragraph-size comments on my wall. My favorite part is some of them sign off at the end with a “Love Aunt Suzy” when clearly I know it’s them writing it. This is why everyone is not ready for the internet.

    PS – Did you purposely spell “Grammer” wrong to weed out crazy spelling freaks like me? Because clearly I fall into the annoying #8 group….

  9. My personal favorite is using non-English words especially when they have no idea about aforesaid language. “Guten Morgan”! Who is this Morgan and why should I care about him? “Vouala”? Like seriously??

  10. There’s nothing worse than a person who’s status is constantly the state of depression, boredom or annoyance they’re in. I know a person (related to me so I won’t name names) who’s status is a variation of one of three things:
    *Ugh. My daughter is such a devil. Somebody please come take her away from me. I can’t stand her grumpy ass today.
    *Ugh. My husband is such an asshole. We got in a huge fight about how little time he wants to spend with me.
    *I’m so bored! I hate my life. Anybody want to do something?

  11. hahaha this is great. i never know what to make of passive aggression on facebook, eg: “sucks when you realize a true friend was never really your friend,” or “bitches better watch their backs!”…or what? you’re gonna poke someone to death? are you seriously using facebook right now to snidely talk shit?

    also flexing pics…yeah.

  12. Love this…though I really didn’t laugh out loud I really smiled and smirked.
    I once saw a girl laughing at her cell phone and said “You’re literally laughing out loud! See? That’s awesome. Own it!”

    I also am kind of a fan of the urban legended “dislike” button.

    I also would like to add to your list …Facebook Fishing….friends don’t let friends facebook fish.
    You know the ones…status comments like:
    “Well that was interesting…..”
    “I can’t believe my life right now…”
    “Can’t wait until I find out tomorrow…”
    “What the heck?”

    FAFF. Friends against …you get it.

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