I got some terrible news today. My dad’s good friend from childhood lost her long battle with breast cancer.
Holy hell, cancer! What the fuck are you doing with all these good people!
Anyhow, although I often like to feel like I’m out of the norm and special, the truth is, everyone knows someone with cancer. And I’m realizing now how I cherish hearing how other people dealt with their parent’s diagnosis. It truly makes me feel a teeny bit less scared about it all. I guess I just feel less lonely about it. Anyhow, with my mom’s battle with cancer, and now my dad’s, I’ve created a little guide for you people out there who’s parent was diagnosed.
Disclaimer: Sarcasm is my middle name, I’m not mocking cancer but laughter is the best medicine and way less toxic then chemo
- Try to find the good things about chemo and bring them up. Like, maybe being able to paint a little beard on your dad and making him go and ask some random person, “Deal or no Deal?”.
- Make sure your parent’s team of neuro-residents thinks you’re cute. Neuro-residensts are hard asses. Its one of the most complicated fields in medicine. They aren’t where they are today because they fell for some broad who batted her eyelashes at them; probabaly because her eyes were swollen shut. If they think you are cute, they are more likely to save you and to communicate to you your aftercare instructions if they want to hear from you again. Play by the same one night stand rules you usually do.
- Slut-it-out: If the team of doctors and nurses are indeed ugly, make sure to show up for your dad’s surgery and oncology appointments looking like a total slut. School girl outfits that are five sizes too small ought to do the trick. There is no rhyme or reason for this step, it just sounds like fun.
- Sport some shades: When you have to run around town with sunglasses on because you’ve been crying so much, wear them with pride. Pretend you’re a rich bitch who had work done or pretend to be some celebrity too famous to be out in public. Really sell it by getting a by wearing it indoors or even in a place that’s darkly lit like a movie theater.
- Make sure you are surrounded by people who want to “help”. Start demanding an ipad2 and maybe have them pick up the medical tab. Hey, they wanted to “help”!
- Return to normal activities: like being a demanding, snarky bitch.
- Milk it for all its worth: Use this difficult time to get out of tickets when you get pulled over. Think about the cancer, cry your eyes out, and talk to the police officer like he’s your therapist telling him every trauma that has happened lately. He’ll probably let you off because his ears might explode.
- Woe is you: Remind everyone about how difficult this has been for you, ignoring how hard it has been for them or better yet, your parent.
Ok, anything I should add?