Signs of Recovery

Its been like a forever and a decade since I posted about eating disorders.

I know, snore, yawn. But I think its time for one.

I get asked all the time from people both struggling with eating and/or exercise issues and by people who are just plain curious:

“How do you know when you are ‘recovered’ “

That’s a loaded question. And the truth is, one never really “knows”. But I thought about it, and there are for sure some signs that mark your getting close to recovery.

So here’s what I came up with:

…You no longer do complicated mental algorithms of calories consumed and burned to avoid dealing with problems.

…You exercise for the sheer fun of it. (Ha, not gonna happen with me. Running will forever and always be torture.)

…You see your reflection in a store window and your first thought is, “Shit, I’m hot!”

"Shit, I'm hot!" (me of course, not the dog)

…You realize that you’ve forgotten the number of calories in a grape and you don’t care to find out.

…You only use a scale to measure how much you bananas cost.

…You ovaries go, “Yes, we work! LOLZ!” (I don’t know about your ovaries, but my ovaries totally “LOLZ”.

…You order the most drool worthy item on the menu and not the lowest-cal. (And if you think a salad is “drool worthy”, your not yet recovered).

… you stop compulsively reading books, blogs, websites etc. about recovery  and wondering if and when it will happen to you because it has already happened.

…Running out of diet soda is no longer the greatest emergency in your life (but running out of chocolate is totally acceptable)

…you no longer need to layer 3 sweaters and leggings under jeans just because it dropped to 60º outside.

…When you start to use “carby” as a good adjective

Like for these beauties!

What do you think is a good sign of recovery? It doesn’t even have to be for eating disorders. What are some signs of genuine happiness?

Eden’s Rules For Men

If anyone knows what it takes to be a “real man”, its me.

I’m half serious.

But I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how men have it so unfair. They stop eating dessert and they start looking emaciated, they make more money than women, they don’t take forever to get ready….its kind of unfair.

So I’m making some rules.

So you whopping three men that read this blog will be informed and the rest of “man-kind” will be hopeless.

1. Never Be Too Excited About Your Birthday.

You present this facade of being a man and then when your birthday rolls around, you immediately grow a uterus.

It’s my birthday week!  You guys, we are soooo partying!

Men can certainly have a birthday, but they can’t get all into it like women can. If you are a man, read that sentence above. See? Aren’t I right? It sounds unnatural. Unless you have a uterus, of course.

2. Never Wear Socks With Sandals.

Not just because it looks ridonculous (not a typo), but because it’s a sign you’re indecisive.

Are you protecting your feet against the open air or are you not? Women tend to be the indecisive ones. Plus, I believe Mark Zuckerberg trademarked the “sandal sock” look and the last thing you want to get yourself into is a lawsuit with Mr. Facebook!

3. Never Heart Anything.

I wrote about how I can’t handle “hearting”

But women can get by with it.  Especially if they’re all cute and giggly. But men can never heart anything.  If you ever slip, recover immediately.

Bob: Hey Cindy, I totally heart you.

Cindy: Say what?!

Exactly.

4. Never Own A Diary.

Bridget Jones can have a diary. As can Anne Frank. Men? Not so much. They can have a “journal”, but a diary is emasculating.

5. Have trouble opening jars

Because seriously, its not like I’m gonna do it. Not because I’m weak, its cause it will ruin my manicure

6. Drink Diet Coke

Thats why coke zero was invented. Plus, diet coke tastes like shit. Coke zero is way better. Even women should never drink diet coke (I know, let the hate mail begin)

7.If Two Men Are in a Fight, it Illegal to Kick, Knee or Hit Another Man in the Testicles.

Ouch

If you can’t win a fight the right way, then you probably shouldn’t be fighting in the first place.

8. You Can Pee Anywhere

Including the side of the dustbin, but make sure you don’t get caught, that’s if you don’t have a 5k in your pocket

9. Slapping Another Guy on the Ass is Only Allowed in Good Fun.

Not with intention. Slapping women on the ass without permission is unacceptable. Get permission first.

10. When Eating a Banana, Never Look Another Man in the Eyes and/or Comment on the Quality of the Banana

self explanatory 

 

What did I miss?

Honey Bacon Sweet Corn Souffle and “Corny” Ways of Breaking Up

We have all been there.

We have all had to do it.

Occasionally, a relationship just falls apart in a bad way. When that happens, you just wish you could walk away and leave it at that. It seems that tried and true methods such as a quiet one on one talk or even a long telephone conversation never happens anymore. These days, many of these “easy way out” break ups are made possible through our modern technologies. Try your hardest to never sink low enough to use these methods…or risk being the epitome of the word “asshole.”

1. Text Message

I have this intense bond my iPhone. I know, I used poke fun at people that married their iPhones, but now we’re engaged.

Anyhow, I would never want my dear iPhone to bring me bad news.

So let’s say I’m like totally doing James Franco. Then one day I’m at home, eating papaya in my apartment while watching Hannah Montana and I get a text message from James:

 sorry 2 do this but jst not wrking out.  Can we still b frnds?  TTYL. 

Because the frowny-face emoticon softens the blow.

A frowny-face emoticon.  Really? Go smoke a joint, James.

2. Facebook

Part of me wonders if Mark Zuckerberg’s real intention was to create a terrible way to break up with someone while ensuring some dude out there gets laid.

Sarah Has Changed Her Relationship Status To Single.

756 Likes.

98 Comments.

Sarah will now get hundreds of private messages from guys saying Hey stranger!  Long time no talk.  Sorry to hear about the break-up.  That guy was such a douche  Let me know when you’re free for drinks!

Translation: I’ve been waiting until you were at the most emotionally vulnerable because it ups my already-limited chance to do you.

I think its time for a “creepy” button.

 3. Via Twitter

You know your breaking up with someone the wrong way when its the way Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Bronson broke up. Of course, bonus points for being drunk while doing so.

@LindsayLohan Grl…..4 sriosly this time! Its  ovr!!!

@ SamanthaRonson Shut up bitch! I have a gun, get in the van!

4.  Sending Them A Mixtape.

True Story from middle school Eden: A guy I was “dating” (cause really, who dates in middle school besides Miley Cryrus?) wanted to let me know it was over.

So she compiled a mixtape on cassette. I’m well aware I’m losing younger readers who don’t know what cassette tapes are. Imagine your iPod with auto-reverse.

Anyhow, Sir Mix A Lot was on it, but not even “Baby got Back”. It the stuff from side B that you know even Sir Mix A Lot was like “what a creative abortion this shit is!”

So I listened to it and at the end he came on and said Hey just wanted to let you know I’m dating that new foreign exchange student, Nadia. Don’t call me.  Have a nice life.

I still get chills when I hear Sir Mix A Lot.

5. E Not-So-Harmony

This actually happened to someone I knew.  Her boyfriend put a profile up on the dating site. Of course one of her yenta friends goes on hunting some prey for her own when all of a sudden…

Sees the dude.

And he cropped his girlfriend out of the picture. All you saw was half her eyeball.

I’m fairly certain if you see half your eyeball, that’s the universal sign that you’re dumped.

Any other ways I skipped? Spare the “post it”, its a Sex and the City thing and is never actually done.

For today recipe, I was beyond proud of myself because I did many souffles in culinary school. But on my final, it totally deflated and I got a C! Here’s my revenge

• 1½ cup yellow sweet corn (I used about 3 fresh ears, but use however many will yield you about 1 1/2 cup since ear sizes vary)
• ¼ cup butter (1/2 stick)
• ¼ cup (4oz) flour
• 1 ½ cups milk (I used whole)
• four strips of rendered bacon, chopped up
• 1 tsp salt
• ¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper
• 1 tbs honey
• ½ cup grated parmesan cheese
• 5 eggs separated
• ½ tsp Cream of Tartar

Prepare little soufflé dishes by buttering thoroughly and dusting with grated parmesan cheese.

 Roast your ears of corn in  in a pre-heated 375˚F oven for 20 minutes. (Some kernels on the outer edges of pan will burn slightly and should be discarded.)

After removing the corn from the oven, and slice down to get out the kernels off. I used about 1 and a half cup of kernels.

In a small saucepan over low heat, bring the milk to a boil. (Over low heat this takes a while, so do this first. Turn the heat off the milk as soon as it reaches the boil.)

In a larger saucepan melt the butter over medium low heat. When the butter has melted, add all the flour and briskly whisk it into the butter until smooth, making sure the flour is completely absorbed. Continue whisking lightly until the flour has cooked, another one to two minutes.

When the milk is ready, add it all at once to the butter and flour, and whisk until combined and smooth. Continue to whisk for another two to four minutes, until the mixture has thickened. Turn off the heat, and set the pan aside to cool slightly.

After the mixture in the saucepan has cooled for a few minutes, whisk in the egg yolks only (reserving the egg whites), one at a time. Then add the salt, pepper, and cayenne pepper and whisk to combine. Finally, add the parmesan cheese and whisk to combine.

Add the cooled roasted corn, honey and bacon pieces to the base and whisk to combine.

Whisk the egg whites and cream of tartar until the egg whites stand in soft peaks (at high speed this happens fairly quickly, approximately 2 ½ to 3 minutes.)

Add approximately 1 tablespoon of the soufflé base to the egg whites, and fold in gently, using the whisk or a rubber spatula. Then add the egg whites to the soufflé base and combine by folding in with a rubber spatula or very gently with the whisk.

Transfer to the prepared soufflé dishes, and bake on a lined cookie sheet or half sheet pan on the lowest pan in the oven. Bake for approximately 20-25 minutes or until the soufflé is puffed, golden brown, and doesn’t jiggle like jello when moved. (A little jiggle is okay.)

Serve immediately to show off the soufflé at its puffiest, but for better flavor the soufflé can sit for a few minutes even though it will deflate a bit.

I know, they deflated a bit, but thats cause they hung around a lot before I managed to get a photoshoot together

Step by Step to Being a “Bloggin Superstar” and Lou Lou’s Tortellini

We’ve had a few posts on how you can climb your way to the top of the blog food chain. But I thought why not break it down, step by step, on how to become that social media celebrity.

1. Tell all your friends and family you’re going to be a celebrity (spare the details).

2. Start a blog, and in the About Me section, post a picture of yourself in front of a mirror where you can still see the camera.

3. Start a twitter account, and for the profile picture, use a picture of yourself in front of a mirror where you can still see the camera.

4. Tweet things like “Zumba fail”, capturing your true feelings on shit nobody cares about.

5. You get three followers.

6. Comment on thousands of blogs, follow thousands of “tweeople” , and get thousands more friends on facebook.

7. Announce to your friends that you’re now an “Internet Celebrity”.

8. Change your picture to a professional shot where you angle your head so nobody can see that you’re no looker.

Sad....so sad

9. Write “Food Blog and Social Media Rockstar” in your Twitter bio.

10. A piece of humanity dies.

11. You call all food related social media conferences and demand that they book you to speak.

12. They offer you no money and insist you buy your own badge (cough, foodbuzz).  You agree.  Then add “keynote speaker” to your bio.

13. You attend SXSW.  But not for the music part.  You attend it for the nerd part.

14. You’re not even aware that there was a music part.

15. You write a book on oatmeal.

16. You tell people you’re published, but omit “self” before “published”.

17. You start making videos of yourself (hoping some food network exec sees it and offers you a spot on a new cooking show).

18. Yet another piece of humanity dies.

19. Tell people you’re a producer, but leave off “on YouTube”.

20. Tell your friends that you need an agent and publicist because your career is booming.

21. Your friends tell you to stop talking to them because in reality, they’re just people on the bus that don’t actually know you.

22. Your boss from your real-life job that pays your real-life bills calls and asks you where the fuck you’ve been for the last week.

23. You quit, telling your boss that you’re a blog celebrity and no longer need that dead-end job.

24. You quickly become poor.

25. You realize that you can’t pay your bills with blog hits, retweets and Facebook likes.

So let’s be real: if you need to preface it with “Bloggin”, you are no superstar.

Did I miss a step? Feel free to add on.

Today I don’t have really have a prepared recipe. Why? Because this post will be an entry to win a trip to Italy. Normally when I hear of such contests from Foodbuzz, I kind of mentally shoot myself in the food and tell myself, “Eden, you have no chance, dream on. Some other, bigger, blog superstar has this contest in the bag”.

But this time, I really wanted to try.

Because if I win, I’ll hopefully be lugging my dad with me.

I imagine this might look a little different this time around. I'm the same heigh, but my dad wouldn't need to lug around that stroller.

As most of you know, my dad had a terminal brain cancer. He and I used to travel a lot and I know he really wants to do a little bit of traveling while he’s still with us. With his surgery, not working, chemo, radiation, and the economy being in the toilet, its not like we have the money to spend on travel. So I hope this recipe idea for Barilla’s Tortellini will entice the judges.

For inspiration for this idea, I thought of my dad’s Belgian roots. He used to constantly lecture me about how the Belgians fry their fries. It’s special process which I will save for a future post. But this “fry lecture” inspired this fried tortellini recipe. Fun Fact: frying in hot oil automatically burns all the calories!

So heres what I’m thinking for the tortellini:

• cornmeal (polenta
• eggs
• Italian bread crumbs
• Parmesan cheese
• some basil leaves
• Salt and pepper
• a bag of barilla 3 cheese tortellini

So I’d make a batter and breading for the tortellini. Fry it up, and like my dad’s Belgian fries, serve it with a dipping sauce.

• artichoke hearts
• fresh basil
• egg yolks
• olive oil
• garlic
• lemon juice
• salt and pepper

Ok, wish me luck and if I get selected, I’ll be able to make this fabulous creation.

Peep Treats and Eden’s Guide To Celebrity Encounters

If you’re one of the whopping seventy or so people that follow me on twitter, you might already know that Bradley Cooper casually got on the treadmill in front of me at the gym a few days ago.

And perhaps that fact alone should be reason enough not to follow me on twitter.

Celebrity sightings are common in LA and I’m not usually gasping for air at the sight of one. But trust me, if it was Snuffaluffagus or Mr. Rogers, I might require resuscitation. I know, my standards are high.

However, the majority of the world doessn’t live in the the celebrity cesspool that L.A. is. So for them, I’m writing a brief guide to celebrity encounters.

Make Eye Contact.

Eye contact gives you confidence and the strength to hold your nerves. It will acknowledge your presence and let them know, “Hey! I’m here! I’m queer, get used to it”

ok, maybe not the queer part if you don’t swing that way. But for the record, I’m willing to get queer for Betty White.

If she/he Acknowledges You with a Nonverbal Gesture, It’s your Cue to say, “Hello.”

Or “How’s it going?” or something along those lines. Just don’t say “whats happening hot stuff” especially if the celebrity is Asian. If she/he ignores you, abort mission. She/he probably has better things to do than to make contact with a civilian.

Don’t Tell Them You Like Their Work

People don’t like talking about their work unless it’s something to be proud of, and I have a suspicion the people you encounter have a few things under their belt they’re NOT proud of. So be generic in your conversation. Stick to the weather and your latest pap smear results.

Don’t Start Harassing Them on Twitter (Even if by Some Miracle, They Follow You)

People assume that if they just tweet something clever or flattering to celebrities, the celebrity will discover their blossoming personality and add them instantly.

@LindsayLohan Girl, I don’t care what anybody says, you OWNED that jewelry!

Really?

What is she supposed to do with that?

Make Sure You Are Interesting

People want to buy into something. Celebrities are no exception and its crucial you find something about you to make you different from the pack of fans and twitter followers they have. Time to take an inventory of your skills and amplify them.

Suppose you’re Barney, a plumber. Noble profession.  But what if you made a video where you took an iPad and flushed it down a toilet?  Now you’re not just a dude with the name of a Purple Dinosaur, you’re the guy with the iPad toilet video!

Now you have something interesting and different than every other “civilian”. You’re kind of a celebrity yourself at this point because everyone will want to see what you’ll flush down the toilet next! Exciting!

I think the last one had Bradley all over me.

Me, and my toilet.

Ok, any celebrity encounter tips you’d like to share? Or have you flushed anything cool down the toilet? Goldfish doesn’t count.

Fun Fact: the day after Easter is an unofficial Jewish holiday cause Easter candy is half price!

A great time to utilize those extra peeps laying around! So I made “Peep Treats” with the dessert class I teach to six your olds (yes the ones from this post that don’t listen to me and vandalize monkey bars).

For the “Peep Treats”, you  will need:

• 3 tbs butter or butter sub of choice (I like benecol if your going the “fake butter” route)
• About 32 Peeps (bunnies or chicks, whatever feel less evil to melt)
• 6 cups of Crispy rice cereal
• sprinkle of salt

Melt the butter until until slightly brown to give it that nice nutty, caramel-y taste!

Next in the pool…yup, it’s time to add the Peeps.

I know, this look cruel. Dont worry, peeps have no soul.

Add a sprinkle of salt pour them into a into a pan or plate to shape into eggs or little nests for the left over peeps.  FYI-Make sure to spray your spatula with a little non-stick spray.  It’s the only way to not have strings of marshmallow and krispies going all over yourself.

Yep, shape just about anything into an egg, coat it in sugar, and you'll have everyone under seven eat it

No, the peep didn't shit a rice krispie treat. It's his nest! Peeps don't shit, remember, they dont have a soul!

Signs You Are a Social Media Darling

It’s no secret that we all need to be liked. And social media is no exception.

This wil make sense later, promise

Each day or every couple of days you post random stuff about your life.  What you ate for breakfast.  Your latest shopping finds.  How you feel about politics, friendships, work, love (shudder).  And I think all of us want to be “liked”, read, or “retweeted”.

But I’m not going to tell you how to be liked. Cause, seriously, I’m no expert.

Nope, instead I’ll tell you the signs that you are “liked”. Possibly too much so. And yes, its possible to be too popular if you ask me.

Anyhow, let’s get started.

People Randomly Comment and Thank You For Shit You Forget You Did

I’m not talking about the maniac who thanks their followers or readers every thirty seconds:

I love my twitter twiends!  You guys are the best.

or …..

Seriously guys! Thanks for reading my blog! I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I heart all of u!

or updating their facebook status with:

I just told my hubby about how great ya’ll are!

First off, imagine that husband?!

I’m not talking about these kind of people. If you get a personalized “thank you” comment about stuff you forgot you wrote, that’s a good sign. As long as it doesn’t include the term, “I heart you”.

I speak for all of blogs, Facebook, and Twitter when I say, it’s enough already with the hearting.

People Recommend You and Your Blog On Twitter When It’s Not Friday.

Forget “Follow Friday”  The real time to decide if people like you is on every day aside from Friday. Just once, I’d like to see a tweet like this:

Hey Bob, are you following @Edens_Eats!?  You should!  It’s really tight!  She’s snarky and fun!

Actually, that sucked. And let’s not use “tight”. Let’s cast that word out along with “LOLZ” and “fecal”. Lets try this instead:

Hey Bob, are you following @Edens_Eats?!  You should!  Because if you don’t, I’ll cut you.

Better.

Even When You’re At Your Most Annoying, People Still Read Your Blog And Don’t Unfollow You.

Suppose one day you get all drunk and reveal a deep, horrible secret about yourself.

ZoMg guys… srsly.  I kno i shldnt say this butt regis philbin is hot as shit.

(I know, “ZOMG” is just as confusing as “LOLZ”). Or you start writing mean things about your readers.

i can’t believe you all have nothing to do except read ‘my tweets’ and read my posts.  gawd.  the internet is like a vortex of virginity.

The next morning you wake up and survey the damage:

Hundreds of “Likes”. Thousands of comments. Nobody unfollowed.

One new follower.

Regis Philbin

People Actually Listen To You.

Look, in real life, nobody listens to me. I teach a kindergarten cooking class and these six year olds will do anything but listen to me. They just stare at me thinking:

Really, shithead?  Really.  Oh okay.  I’ll be quiet and assemble my raisins on my peanut-free peanut butter log.  Right after I shit my pants and commit a little vandalism on the monkey bars.

And they’re six. I know, they really shouldn’t be shitting their pants.

Social media is different.  If you can get people to listen to you, you’re liked.  If you can’t, you’re not liked. Simple fact.

I’m guessing my students dont follow me on twitter

So what are signs you’ve noticed?

Easter Egg Poptarts and Why Your Blog Should Not Be A Book

I know, I’ve mentioned many times that I’m writing a book and this blog was to help me do so. But lets get this clear, I’m not blogging hoping some editor will collect my mindless banter into a book. Because seriously, the world is corrupted enough.

But hear me out: I met this blogger a long while back and asked her why she started blogging.

“To get a book deal!”

I’m a big fan of books and I’d be honored if I was offered a book deal. But really, I’m telling you, you probably don’t need to write a book. Every time I ask someone why they want to write a book, they have a terrible answer.

So instead of worrying about how maybe you need to get a book deal, consider these reasons why it may not be such a fantastic idea:

1. People who have a lot of ideas need a blog, not a book.

Blogs are immediate, so you’ll get better and almost instant feedback. Getting feedback as you go is much more intellectually rigorous than printing a final collection of your ideas. And, getting feedback from the public only when it’s too late to change anything.

Many people think they have a ton of ideas and they are brimming with book possibilities when really, most of us have very few new ideas. Accept for maybe Mark Zuckerberg, but apparently, dating him is like dating a stairmaster so it’s not necessarily a fantastic quality. If you have so many ideas, prove it to the world and start blogging. There is nothing like a blog to help you realize you have nothing new to say.

If you do end up having an amazing blog that focuses on one, big grand idea with great writing to boot, then you can pack up for your book tour.

2. A book is an outdated way to gain authority.

Fun fact: People think that book authors are the people with authority. A lame assumption when people like Paris Hilton and Sarah Palin have books. Anyone can have good ideas, and only some good ideas fit into book format. On top of that, the people who are on the cutting edge of any topic are not waiting the two years it takes to deliver new ideas in a book. Instead, they’re reading articles and blogs and discussion online with all the immediacy of the Internet.

So if you feel like no one is giving you credit for having good ideas because you don’t have a book, think again. Maybe you are trying to get credibility with people who don’t know how to asses “authority”.

3. You’ll make more money per hour flipping burgers than writing a book. 
The odds that your book will be a best seller are absolutely terrible. There’s a great article in the New Yorker about a relatively famous, established novelist who cannot support himself on book advances. I can’t find that article, but just trust me: It’s a very very hard industry to survive in. Books are big money makers. Most nonfiction books are paperback originals which means they are about $40,000 advances, and most of you could earn more than that spending a year in an office.

4. When you’re feeling lost, a book won’t save you.

I feel like people want to write a book to solve their quarter/midlife or any crisis. Not that I know, but I have a suspicion a book will not give you direction in life. See Sylvia Plath. A book is something you write in order to get you to where you’re going. If you have nowhere to go, a book will insure that you stay where you are: Lost.

People use books like a PhD. They think if they have some piece of paper – a degree, a contract – then people will respect them and then they’ll respect themselves. But self-respect doesn’t come from the approval of other. You have to feel lost somtimes — and feeling lost is, gasp, OK!

So stop with the idea that you need a book. Most people who think they need a book deal probably need to answer the question: What will I be doing two years after that book? Do you really need the book to get where you want to go? Probably not.

So on second thought, maybe I shouldn’t write that book….

And the only festive part of this post. I used this recipe to make easter theme poptarts. Cause frankly, bunnies don’t shit chocolate eggs on the lawns of Jewish gals.

Sweet Potato Maple Waffles and Why You Get Haters and How to Deal

There is nothing like crying your brains out after stating an opinion and having anonymous Internet people shatter you emotionally.

I mean, I dont do that, its a “for instance”.

But this article is not just for blogging, but I’ll use blogging as my paradigm. You can extract the lessons and apply them to the hate you receive on Face-Twitter-Space or even on your own comments.

Allow me to  navigate you through the world of hate comments and what you can do about it if you get one.

1. You’re Attracting The Wrong Audience.

Sometimes when I write a post, inside my head-hole, I believe that people will automatically get my tone.

They’ll say to themselves OMG! Eden is taking a punch at oatmeal and blending a degree of disarming satire into it. lolz!

I know.Nobody should ever  “lolz”.

But that never happens.  Sometimes you’ll get a drive-by audience that is lured in by your headline, or because they were referred to your post by a shithead friend of yours.

Then they’ll lace you with their hate.

What to do: Don’t worry. These individuals will never understand you.  Don’t try to please them, its a waste of your time.   Disregard them as people that will never visit your blog again and will just travel from blog-to-blog as nerdy nomads because nobody will accept them.

2. You’re Taking a Controversial Stance on Something.

Remember all the hoopla last year from a certain Marie Claire article?

You didn’t? Dont fret, it wasn’t all that exciting.

But this sparked an outrage which resulted in a sort of war between commenters (on other blogs, not mine, I refused to even write about it and give that article and those bloggers more press.

If you take a stance on something.  Anything.  People will disagree with you.

What to do: Don’t be afraid to take a stance.  Although it’s way easier if you’re an anonymous obese dude like me taking a stance on something.  But stand by it, and enjoy the golden shower of hate. And yes, initials aren’t very anonymous, by the way, and usually I can figure those people out.

3. You’re Forgetting All Of Your Commenters Names and Like Totally Ignore Them.

I have a pack of commenters that are loyal, nice, smart, and honestly? Way funnier than me.

But I totally ignore them.  I forget all of their names. I have the memory of a goldfish sometimes and with all the shit I’ve been going through with my dad having an aggressive cancer, I’ve kinda fallen off the blogosphere.

I know, lame excuse.

But if I continue to ignore them, these pack of loyal commenters will slowly sour.  They’ll turn on me as readers and comment with I used to be a fan of Eden’s Eats!   She’s so into herself I can’t stand it.  I’m immediately starting an internet rumor about how she has gonorrhea!

What to do: I guess you have to engage with these people.  I know.  What a pain in the ass.  To the pack of commenters: you know who you are.  This is me engaging. I’ll shoot you an email when I come back to earth.

4. You’re Forgetting That People Will Generally Dislike You.

I once read a blog about dogs. Way more interesting than food, as I was ooing and ahhing at all the cute doggie pictures I noticed that the blog was written by a little old lady.  She seemed really nice.

But in the comments, some asshole called her a ’stupid moron’.

I know!

I’m like, “holy poopy pants! That’s so mean!”

But then I realized that people will generally dislike you.  It doesn’t make them bad.  It makes them people.

What to do: Embrace the idea that people will dislike you.  It’s OK.  Not everyone has to like you.  I mean, really? You’ve just spent the last three minutes of your life reading this blog post.  You can’t really have that much going on.

5. People Love To Complain.

People are wired to complain.  So if you spend several minutes crafting a post, expect people to take a look and say how can I complain about this?  In what magical way can I drop an intellectual turd into her comment stream?

Which is OK.  Because it’s not like I’m splicing genes with these posts.  I hear complaints all the time. Hell even I love to complain!

Everyone loves to complain. Its a thrill.

What to do: Accept complaining as art.  If they do it well, it’s nice to look at.  There are blogs that are all about complaining and they actually are quiet popular. Why? As I stated, EVERYONE loves a good complaint.

6. You’re too thin

Its an unspoken rule that you can bash a skinny girl for being that way but not someone who is overweight. Same thing goes for smoking.

But thats not really the point…The point is, if people say your too skinny, you probably are. You might be in denial or whatever and if thats the case all the more power to you and I hope you find comfort in your life while you have it cause it won’t last long. Does that give people the right to harass you? No. But if you post pictures of your skeletal self with you bowls of whipped air, chances are, your gonna get some hate comments.

What to do: You have two options:

1) gain weight, get help, see a therapist, see a dietitian, eat a sandwich (with REAL bread, not that super light kind with like negative three carbs or whatever).

or

2) Stop posting emaciated pictures of yourself, of your endless olympic training workouts, and of your carb-fat-calorie-taste-free funnel cake.

There you have it.

I hope this helps you in your blogging, facebook, and twitter endeavors.

And now we’ve come to the end of my post so let the golden shower of hate comments begin.

This seems like a recipe appropriate for thanksgiving, but I whats wrong with Thanksgiving in April?

Nothing. So here we go:

• 1 1/2 cup all purpose or brown rice flour
• 1/4 cup maple syrup or sweetener of choice
• 1 Tbsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• 1 cup milk of choice
• 1/2 cup greek yogurt
• 2/3 cup mashed baked sweet potatoes
• 2 Tbsp unsalted butter, melted or canola oil
• 3 large eggs

Pre-heat your waffle iron. Depending on the type of iron you have, you may need to lightly oil it. Use your experience with your own equipment in deciding. Combine all of the dry ingredients in a large bowl and whisk them until well combined. Separate the egg yolks from the whites, reserving both. In a medium bowl, combine the milk, greek yogurt, mashed sweet potato, melted butter, and egg yolks. Whisk until well combined. In a small bowl, beat the egg whites at a high speed for about two minutes. Stiff peaks should form when you lift the beaters. Set aside. Pour the wet ingredients over the dry ingredients. Whisk until well combined, but do not over mix. The batter should be nearly smooth. Fold in the beaten egg whites. If you are adding the pecans, you should fold them in now. The batter is now ready for your waffle iron. The amount of batter and cooking time will vary according to the size and temperature setting of your waffle iron.

Chocolate Peanut Cereal and Words That Make Me Go “Ew”

There’s a small group of words in the English language that everyone dislikes.  If the English language were a party, these words would be the guys with fake tans and upside-down visors.

Don’t ask me why I wanted to address these today, especially since my recipe is anything but gross. I guess I’ve just had it listening to these words. “Moist” is the obvious one discussed in the past. But there are a few more cringe worthy ones.

So let’s get started.

Secrete.

Nothing that’s good is secreting. Bad shit secretes.

 Foodie.

Especially if it’s self-proclaimed.  Like, “I’m such a foodie!  I’m looking for other foodies so we can talk about food!”    Next time just say: “I’m a virgin”

 Panties.

I am guilty of using this one.  Every time I say it, people flee in horror.  Or more specifically, ask me why I’m whispering, then flee in horror.

 Canoodling.

Bleh! I cant express the gaul I have towards this word! Celebrities avoid paparazzi not because of the damaging photos, but because they know some dopey tabloid writer is going to use this word.

Coitus.

If you call your sex ‘coitus’, you’re probably not having a lot of it.

“Eating Clean”

Everyone likes to use this, because no one admits to being on a diet. But frankly, all this means to me is that your eating windex and comet.

Douche.

This word has been used to death.  By me.  Mostly by me.  It’s gross and nasty now.

Hardcore

I feel like when this word is used to describe something, its anything but. Or it sounds painful.

Staycation.

You stayed home on your vacation?  And the only word you could think of during all that time was this?

 Discharge.

If it’s heard at a shooting range?  Fine.  In a doctor’s office?  Not so fine.

 Fecal.

Really?  Does this call for an explanation?

Alright, what words are you cringing at?

And to make you feel better, I’ve developed a homemade cereal that uses up all the extra peanut flour I hoarded from Trader Joe’s when they said they were discontinuing it. They lied. Its still there and now I have more peanut flour than I know what to do with.

• 1/2 cup peanut flour (if you dont want to you is, ground up oats and millet flour work)
• 2 tbs cocoa powder
• 2 tbs all purpose or rice flour (plus extra for rolling and if your mixture gets too wet)
• 1 tbs flaxseed meal
• 1 tsp Vegetable Oil Spread or butter
• 2 tbs maple syrup (or agave, but maple is my favorite)
• 3 tbs water or milk of choice
• 1 tsp Vanilla Extract

. Preheat oven at 375F. If using a cookie sheet with edges, flip it over (so you get a flat top) and grease it with some oil spread. Or you can use a flat cookie sheet and grease the same. Meanwhile combine together the dry and wet ingredients into a smooth dough. Divide the dough into two equal parts and roll each half directly on the greased cookie sheets. Roll as thin as possible (I used a pasta maker but plain old elbow grease rolling will work. I’m just lazy) and using a knife/pizza cutter score it into diamonds/squares directly on the cookie sheet; do not separate. Bake for 8-15 minutes. The baking time depends on the thickness of the rolled out dough.The first set I baked was thicker than the second set. You’ll be able to smell the cocoa and also can see that the pieces around the edges turning sort of black. Keep a watch and remove the pans immediately out of the oven. The pieces will start coming off while you are removing it from thee sheet. Spread it on a plate or another cool sheet. Once the chocolate squares have cooled completely store it in an airtight jar or ziploc bag.

Greek Yogurt Corn Dog Muffins and What Not To Ask About Your Appearance

The following post may offend you.

You might own some of the afflictions I list, and cry all over yourself after reading this.

But I have to write this, regardless of who I injure on the way. I pray that it just won’t be one of my readers that I like.

Since I was an innocent toddler, I’ve been insulted by thousands of people.  Each shattered my emoticons until I retreated into the caverns of my college dorms room to become what I am today.

A bitch blogger with an appetite.

So don’t fear if you have any of these afflictions. I have several more which I’m keeping mum about for the sake of losing all my readers.

The 7 things you’re not allowed to say about someone’s appearance.

You’re Balding, Ma’am.

If a guy’s bald, it’s hilarious.

Homer Simpson, Uncle Fester, Britney Spears.

But if a chick’s balding, we’re not allowed to say anything.

Equal rights my ass.

Your Body Odor Is Very Pungent.

Check this one off for me because I’ve been told I smell.

Mostly by my parents who would say:  “Did you just come back from PE?  Maybe a shower is good.”

Then I have to lie and say I went to PE.

We both know I hate PE.  I’ve had a “needs to participate more” on my report card along with an “C+” in PE since I was old enough to take PE.

Your Kids Are Ugly As Ass.

There’s something that separates us from animals.

A tiger can look at its kid, who might have some jacked-up tic-tac-toe stripes, and think god, my kid looks like shit.

Humans can’t do this.

We immediately think our kids are gorgeous, angelic little creatures, even if they’re alarmingly ugly.

Humanity needs to learn from the tigers, and I guess zebras too.

You Have An Errant Nose Hair.

Have you ever been in a meeting and someone with a lot of power gets up to say something. He’s saying “these first quarter results are disappointing, people.”

And all you can think of is: ” hello nose hair!  You grew so long!  All your brothers and sisters grew an appropriate length but you don’t fit norms, do you?  You are the Yao Ming of nose hairs.”

Okay, maybe just I do that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a shower. So whats missing from the list???

And on to the food segment of the program…these aren’t creative because everyone has seen these on some blog. So I just added greek yogurt to make them a little different. They still taste like the carnival.

• 5 turkey, veggie, or plain old mystery meat hot dogs
• 1 cup fresh or frozen corn
• 1/2 cup yellow corn meal
• 2/3 cup All Purpose or corn flour (masa)
• 1/4 cup greek yogurt
• 2 eggs
•  1/4 cup sugar, sugar sub, or honey
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp salt

Combine flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl. Mix well and set aside. In a separate small bowl, mix together corn, eggs and yogurt. Stir thoroughly. Add contents of the small bowl to the large one, and stir until completely mixed.

Chop your wieners (not literally, this is not a castration) into small slices.
Add those to the large bowl, and stir until they are integrated into the batter.
Line 12 cups of a 12-cup muffin pan with baking cups and/or spray with nonstick spray. Evenly distribute batter among the 12 cups. Top each muffin with hot dog slices.

Bake in the oven for 15 – 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean.