Once again, reading all the supportive comments from my last post left me in tears. I know, blogging seems trivial. And while I’m not visiting other blogs, I’ll be updating mine.
Since I don’t journal, this is my therapy.
And the truth is, I don’t think I ever treated my blog as a “journal”. I never recorded my milage, or my meal. I never really said, “I did this and that today”. But these next couple days will be brutal. So this will be a journal of sorts.
My dad will be in surgery today (Tuesday) at twelve thirty pm pacific time. Not that it matters but for those that want to think of my dad, I guess then would be a good time to start. They think there are a few tumors in there. They are deep in the language area, so aside for the fact that these could be dangerous tumors, because they are e going in to a delicate area of the brain, he may not be able to talk again.
I’m so afraid. My dad appears to be fearless, and when I was scared, he always managed to calm me down. I really want him to calm me down this time.
I miss my mother, and I REALLY miss my father. My father before the hemorrhage in November occurred, when he was healthy. Everyone asks me, “what can I do for you? Do you need me to cook for you?”. I love it how people assume food will make it all ok. One of my dad’s friends seem convinced that this is because he wasn’t eating as much as he did before the hemorrhage.
Anyhow, wow, this post has no structure. Are you guys bored yet?
This is will be a hard year for me for sure. And a treacherous next few weeks.
Even if my dad comes out of this, it will be a long ass recovery. Bills have to be paid, MEDICAL bills will haunt me forever, my dad’s mortgage needs to be paid, etc. Its endless. I feel like I need to be working right now to avoid all the debt that I’ll face. But I’m afraid I’ll fall apart. I feel like there is SO much pressure on me. So much I will need to deal with if my dad dies and even if he doesn’t.
Anyhow, while writing this, i’ve made a decision about future posts. I realized while talking to someone about something my dad usually does the other day that if there is anything that makes me feel better its thinking of things pertaining to my dad.
So for a few posts, while I go through this grueling time, I’ll be showcasing things my dad did, things my dad loves, or just random tid bits about my dad.
I’m not the “praying” kind, but sometimes, its what we do. Its not really a religious thing. We we just wish really, really hard. And that’s what I’ll be doing.