I’ve been writing somewhat sarcastic and dare I say, humourous posts lately.
But today, I’m putting that on hold to talk about something serious.
The loss of my mother.
A good friend of mine lost his “mum” yesterday. I realized I’ve never written much about losing my own “mum”. So I’m directing today’s post to him, but it certainly pertains to anyones who’s lost a loved one (yes, animals count).
First, I offer my condolences. People say “I understand” but truth is that everyone has different relationship with their mothers so everyone has to cope in their own way.
When I was thirteen, on the 28nd of December, my mother, Leora, lost her battle with cancer and a piece of me died that day too. I can only hope this post will offer some insight and if it helps even one person, I will be grateful.
I was unsure what sort of structure could explain how losing my mom felt, so I thought I’d write some of the things said to me during that time and what actually went down in my head.
What they told me:
“Your mom is in a better place”
What really went on: I HATE when people say that! Sure I’m Jewish and we don’t exactly believe in hell or heaven, but my theory on the afterlife has nothing to doing with my Jewish heritage. The fact is, I don’t care where my mom is! She’s not here and thats what matters. I know that sounds selfish, but I think we all need to be a little selfish when it comes to the ones we love. I have a theory people say that statement when they honestly have no clue what to say. A word of advice: silence is golden. Sometimes, its best just to listen, hug, or send a note saying you care. Unless that “better place” is the a chocolate factory, my mom is not in a better place.
“Maybe it was for the best”
Whoever says that has usually never had something traumatic happen to them (and I don’t count getting shitted on by a bird “traumatic”). Not everything is for the “best” and that’s ok. This is part of life. Life can suck. A lot! There are wonderful things about life and shitty ones. Its unpredictable and there is never a “best”. Was the holocaust for the “best” or 9/11???
“You must be so sad!”
I actually barely cried at my mom’s funeral. Don’t get me wrong, I was a ball of anxiety. But it had nothing to do with my mother. I was anxious about the guests, about going back to school, about my upcoming constitution test (hey, it was 8th grade), about the possibility of something happening to my dad. But I was numb to the pain of actually losing a mother. It doesn’t hit you until maybe a year after. When I began to realize, “wow, she’s really gone….forever”. I think I mourned my mother more these past few years than I did when it initially happened.
“You must really miss her”
I was a little tough teen being all, “yea, I can function without a mom.” But as a budding adult, I miss her dearly.
Wow, I’m actually crying writing this when I hardly ever cry about my mom….whoa….pick yourself up Eden!
There are so many things I want to talk to her about: getting older, figuring out what to do with me life, finding a significant other (which I’m pretty bad at), hell even giving me advice on how to remove upper lip hair (I know, thats nasty, but all ladies have them). Maybe this is why I get along well with older, wiser women. I just kind of want every woman out there to adopt me (with the exception of Angelina Jolie, she can have an African kid).
“Not having a mother must be such a burden”
Well, yes and no. As I mentioned, my mom was fighting for 13 years. Her death was awful, but it gave me some sense of relief. You know how they say, “whats the worst that could happen”? Well, the “worst” happened to her. So in a way, a weight was lifted. But yes, it totally sucked having no one to explain to me how to insert a tampon.
Personally, I’m not afraid of death. I’m more terrified of living a horrible life being sick or having to be in chemo and radiation treatments while being bald and boob-less. But if there is anything my mom’s death taught me it’s that its truly quality over quantity. And I’m just glad my mom had top notch quality. Now, I’m just trying to make the grade.
So if you are one of those readers who just skims to the bottom and answers the question in the comment section, please don’t so that today. I have no question today, just feel free to write what flows (I’ll totally except profanity since I learned that from my mom. She would be so proud).