Fake “Shake ‘n Bake” and Online Dating Tips

I have a little confession to make.

I’ve used dating websites.

Well, that’s not the embarrassing part, whats MORE embarrassing is that I have yet to actually be in a relationship. I totally blame myself; for having standard that not even God could live up too.

But lets put that aside.

Lets review my “online dating history”. A little over two years ago, I signed onto Jdate (which surprisingly has a lot of non-Jews). The worst part about Jdate is that you have to PAY! Of course, being a Jew, I’m shocked that they’d be asking for other Jews to shell out.

Anyhow, I had a few pathetic dates and a lot of awkward emails resulting from Jdate.

I gave up Jdate after about a year (I know, I’m shocked that I stuck with them and paid for a YEAR!!!).

Fast forward to a few months ago when I signed up on a free site called “plenty of fish”. I sort of did it for my amusement because it was free. I put a picture and a snarky profile (hoping to weed out guys that didn’t get my humor) and within seconds my inbox was full of creepy ass guys.

Still with me? Hang tight.

Then I signed up to another free site, OkCupid (more like OkStupid). This site has endless surveys so they can “mathematically” match you with your dream boat.

Ok so does this make me a certified dating website junkie? maybe, but regardless, here are my tips if anyone out there gives a damn.

Dont say your a chef: I made the mistake of disclosing some truths about myself. I can’t tell you how many emails I get from dudes trying to start a conversation, “Perfect! I like to eat!” or “Really? A chef? Oh man do I like food!”. No shit Sherlock. Basically, I’m saying that I’m the perfect housewife. So maybe, I should say I don’t do dishes…that should weed out a few.

Pick the right profile picture:  Your photo is one of the most important factors that will attract people to your profile. Who says it HAS to be recent!? That picture of your bikini back in high school or college will work wonders! Maybe even where sunglasses in your photo if you have major bags under your eyes. But always avoid photos where you are with another person, or, worse yet, you have chopped the other person out of the photo, only to leave behind a mysterious arm. Your date may be confused by which person is actually you or wonder who the “mysterious arm” belongs to.

Dont just SAY it, PROVE it! When developing your profile description, you may be tempted to write something like “I’m funny and smart with a good sense of humor.” Snore… yawn….thats just a boring list of adjectives used by every other person on that very same site!  Rather than just stating that you are “smart”, list your favorite books or your interests that would prove to your viewer how smart you are (mention that you like Marcel Proust or Kurt Vonnegut or some Russian literature I can’t spell out).  Say you like really obscure foreign films and throw in some names of indie film directors. But don’t get too hippy with your profile. Leave your tree hugging and vegan shenanigans aside. Not to many people are attracted to the whole “If its yellow let it mellow” thing.

If you really looking for a “fling”: Just be honest about it! Use these keywords, ” fun”, “causal”, “no strings attached”, “party”, or get right to the point and insert a “fuck buddy” on there. If you lower your standard a notch or two from mine, getting a fling online is easier and cheaper than getting a call girl.

And finally….
Prepare for some effed up date: Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

And as promised……a recipe!
4-5 chicken drumsticks (this might actually work with tofu…if any of you
2 cups corn flake crumbs (or any cereal you like, shredded wheat would work too!)
1/2 cup flour or corn flour
1 egg beaten
4 teaspoons dried parsley flakes — crushed
1 tablespoon paprika
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1 teaspoon celery salt
1 teaspoon onion salt
1/2 teaspoon ground pepper
Pour desired mix into a large plastic food storage bag and set aside. In a shallow bowl, beat egg and dip each piece of chicken in the mixture; drain briefly. Place 2 to 3 pieces at a time in plastic bag, shaking until evenly coated. Remove from bag; arrange on prepared baking sheet. Bake at 350 for about 20 minuets. 

28 thoughts on “Fake “Shake ‘n Bake” and Online Dating Tips

  1. I’m not going to lie dating kind of scares me! I love reading about some of the dating sites out there though. And old pictures are always appropriate. If I were single, I’d post a baby picture of myself. Just to see if I got any creepers. “if it’s yellow, let it mellow?” GROSS! ha

  2. fun fact: two of my friends got married to someone from match.com. i had a boyfriend when i was 16.. met him in a chat room on mIRC. yep. good ol’ online dating! this post was great. i read it all.

    • Hmm…I have yet to try match…maybe that one is special. Oh chat rooms….I was totally into it too when I was a teen! I never met anyone from a chat room, but I wonder what those people are doing today…they are probably on twitter, hahaha!

  3. I have never used a dating site. So, I have nothing to add or subtract to this part of the post. But I have followed this “breaded” baked approach with zucchini and eggplants and they were delicious!

  4. well, I think we all know that I’m a dating website afficionado…I’ve done match, JDate, and Plenty of Fish. Not at the same time. And yet…still single. But I can attest to the veracity of each of these statements. Also, don’t tell anyone you’re in med school. Guys tend to think they like a girl who’s supersmart. And they probably DO deep down…they just think they don’t for the first two to three dates. they’re weird like that.

  5. I think that online dating sites are becoming more of the norm, so don’t feel embarassed. I know they’re older, but my mom found her current boyfriend through match and my aunt found her husband of 10 years. And while on my mom’s account, I looked up people in my age range and found two kids from my high school class! I think with how busy people are these days, it kind of makes it easier to meet people you may not otherwise get to meet.

    Everyone I’ve known to use a dating website has said the key is to be as honest as possible – this includes the picture (apparently the most important part!) and what you want. And yep, be prepared to meet a few doozies along the way. The glass slipper touched a lot of nasty feet before it found Cinderella.

    Okay, your analogy was a lot better.

  6. I actually met my last boyfriend in Arizona on Match. I didn’t know that many people out there and I thought it would be kind of interesting. I definitely dated a lot of duds before I found him (he was a great guy even though it didn’t work out between us and we were together for almost two years), but hey, at least I got free meals out of the deal!

  7. My mom was on dating sites for years before she met my stepdad (who turned out to be a total a**hole and has since left her). I remember the creeps she went out with a few times before him, and camparitively, he was normal atleast! But yeah, I know a lot of people have found their spouse by online dating. I don’t see anything wrong with it but just be more careful than my mom. She ended up marrying after 2 months of dating my stepdad!! But I think you’re a lot smarter than that 🙂

  8. This post was great! I met my husband online 2 years ago, and we just got married this past October! Unfortunately I had to pay though 😦 lol. I only signed up for 3 months on a whim (I really wasn’t expecting anything) and I met him 2 months in. 🙂

  9. I have to admit I have always thought it would be super interesting to sign up for a dating website, but the boyfriend doesn’t seem to think that goes along with the whole “exclusivity clause” or whatever. Can you sign up and make a profile that’s like “I just want to see who’s out there?” I guess that would be facebook. hmmm. Sorry for thinking/ typing aloud in your comment section. again. I’d love to hear some of your stories from the effed up dates though, is there a post on that in the future??

  10. Oh boy, I guess if I were single I would probably try online dating too. I haven’t had to date in about 11 years so I wouldn’t even know what to do. I’m so much older now that it would feel really strange. I don’t think I’d have the patience for it. My tolerance for BS is close to zilch and not like it used to be. I’d probably just find an asexual wife somehow that would help with the chores. j/k….maybe

  11. I’m in the same boat as Ashley. The last time I was in the dating game was in 1997. I can’t believe I just wrote that. Damn…time goes fast. I’m not sure I’d be any good at dating at this point. I’m pretty set in my ways and know what I like. I can’t imagine a lot of men loving that.

    It seems like dating is even harder here in L.A. though I’m not sure why. People just seem flakier out here I guess.

  12. I’ve never done the dating site thing but I’m not going to lie, I kind of want to make a profile just to see who replies. I’m not sure that I would ever want to meet someone through a site though. At least not a guy. Blog friends? Sure. Random dudes on dating sites? No thanks.

    • I think I go on dating sites for that very reason, I’m curious. But then I realize, “O shit, they actually want a relationship? ” then I get weirded out by it.

  13. I sheepishly admitted to some of my friends recently that I signed up to an online dating site, and it turned out a TUN of them had online dating experience. Like others have said, this is now apparently totally normal!

    As are the creepy dates, the guys *winking* at you (my God, are you too lazy to even write a message!? I can’t WAIT to meet you!), and the dudes with pictures of just their torsos. You can add that to the keyword suggestion 😉

    Best bit of advice though: don’t just say it, prove it. That’s actually a really good point, and not just for online dating.

    And I didn’t bother to read the recipe yo coz it’s chicken and so I’m excused 😉

  14. i’ve never done the online dating thing but 4/5 of my coworkers ALL met their current hubbys and fiances online! a few of them used zoosk.com and said they loved it and then a good friend of mine met his current gf on plenty of fish and another friend met his fiance on jdate hahahaha they must be the lucky ones because i would suck at online dating. my list is too long for people to want to message me haha

  15. Sigh. Eden. You don’t need a dating service. By the way, we need to have a vlog about guys.

    Ahem. I’ve never been on a dating site because dating scares me and I still think guys have cooties. Or actually, the truth is I think guys thinks I have cooties or something bc I know for sure they always fall for the girl next to me. Talk about self-esteem damage.

  16. oh my god, shake and bake, you have just made my year. that stuff is linked with only the fondest memories from my childhood.

    ” I totally blame myself; for having standard that not even God could live up too.” – haha I can totally relate to you on that one?

    my friend who currently uses PoF and has gone on a million dates has told me that if you ever need an ego boost from mediocre guys who will pay for dinner, you should join it…

  17. Very good points. I actually met my current boyfriend on Match.com, although I had to weed through TONS of old/mediocre/loser/fling-wanting/etc etc guys to find him. We’ve been together for 18 months now, so it CAN work, but with plenty of caveats, as you point out here!

  18. “I’ve used dating websites.

    Well, that’s not the embarrassing part, whats MORE embarrassing is that I have yet to actually be in a relationship. I totally blame myself; for having standard that not even God could live up too.

    But lets put that aside.”

    ——–>took the words right out of my mouth 🙂

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