In a society chockfull of unscientific and downright stupid weight loss products, it takes something extra stupid to get MY attention. And the crazy thing is, even at my sickest, I don’t think I ever even considered using any weight loss product to loose weight.
But in a culture obsessed with losing weight, its a big business that some products on the market today seem purely intended to find out how far they can go before we call bullshit. After all, surely nobody is really out there buying …
Its amazing what sheer disgust will do to one’s appetite. And nothing seems to be more appetite killing than the sight of rotten food. Just looking at something smelly, fuzzy, wrinkly, and totally off color can make most people’s skin crawl. And guess what? According to “color theorists” (I’m dying to know what classes they had to take in college for that, color 101?), blue is the color that seems to turn off most people when it comes to food. Personally, I think this is total BS because the sight of Blueberries or better yet, Boo-berries makes my heart skip a beat. But according to a few findings, most people are turned off by blue colored food because it’s not commonly found in nature, and I guess because blue food makes us think we’re eating either mold or the droppings of a Boo-Berry ghosts. Anyhow….this leads to the creating of the “Diet Sunglasses”: making all food look like boo-berry poo by using blue lenses.
Would this work? For me, no. And maybe its because I’m biased and have a sore spot for the boo berry ghost.
The “Smart” Plate
Not to be confused with the oh so clever blog, The Smart Kitchen, this “Smart Plate” will talk to you once dietitians have given up.
While dieting tends to be about self esteem issues, the Smart Plate is designed to take whatever little crumbs of self-worth you have left, and make you beg for them. How does this plate work?
The plate berates you with motivational phrases like, “where is you’r willpower, pussy?!”.
Will it work: As far as I’m concerned, the only orders I take from inanimate objects is if its coming from my iphone. So unless, my iphone is berating me that I’m too fat to proceed to eat my lunch, I’ll be licking my bowl.
Spritz on Some Flavor
What sucks about “dieting” is the blandness of grilled chicken, spinach, and rice cakes all the freakin time. But its 2011! Now you can pack delciousness in a spray can (and I’m not talking about cheezwiz).
Flavor Spray is just that, a flavored spray created by “gourmet” chef David Burke that claims to add, say, bacon flavor to your green’s without all the “bacony” calories. Holy crap, guys! Think of the possibilities: root beer float liverwurst, chocolate mouse flavored kale, banana split chicken, and I’m totally hankering for a bacon flavored vegan protein chia seed green monster right now!
Will it work? I hate to break it to ya, but Bacon-flavored rice sticks and celery isn’t going to say “bacon” to my taste buds. It’s going to say, “Rice cake slathered in pork chemicals, thanks to the hubris of a man trying to play God.”
Feasting on Air
If spraying seemed a bit too heavy for you, this diet fad is sure to be right up your alley. The Breatharian diet consists of plenty of hearty, wholesome servings of air. No water, no food, just crisp, calorie-free air. I actually read that some weird chick named “Jasmuheen” tried to do it as part of a “60 Minutes” special, but the test was stopped after “60 Minutes” ruled she was probably, like, going to die.
Will it work? The way i see it, if I’m already indulging in something as bland as air, I better go hog wild and use those flavor sprays right?
Ok, I’m off gnaw on a piece of bacon flavored air on my plate that’s berating at how much love my “handles” are getting. While sporting my blue aviators, duh!
And it seems like forever and a year since I’ve posted a recipe! So here is one that may last slightly better than air or even bacon flavored spray.
- 2 cups all-purpose flour or brown rice flour
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar or sweetener of choice
- 2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1/2 cup apple sauce (see recipe below)
- 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
- 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup milk of choice
- 2 eggs, beaten
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 tablespoon canola oil
- 3-4 medium apple
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 1/4 cup water (it may seem like a little, but the apple will release a lot of moisture, you don’t want soup!)
- 1 tsp cinnamon
Boil all the ingredients for the apple sauce in a pan for about 30 min on a low heat. It should reduce to a lovely, thick apple sauce (no need to puree, just lightly smush with a wooden spoon). To get started on your doughnuts, preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Grease your doughnut pan so its ready to go. Mix the flour, sugar, baking powder, nutmeg and salt. Stir in you wet ingredients (apple sauce, milk, eggs, vanilla, oil) until its all incorporated and well blended. Put your batter in a ziploc bag and pipe the batter into the doughnut pan until its about 3/4 of the way full. Bake for about 10-12 min. Let the cool slightly before you take them out of their pans and sprinkle them with powdered sugar. NOTE: do not eat them off a smart plate, and yes, these are still good when blue 😉