Apple Pie Baked Doughnuts and New Diet Trends

In a society chockfull of unscientific and downright stupid weight loss products, it takes something extra stupid to get MY attention. And the crazy thing is, even at my sickest, I don’t think I ever even considered using any weight loss product to loose weight.

But in a culture obsessed with losing weight,  its a big business that some products on the market today seem purely intended to find out how far they can go before we call bullshit. After all, surely nobody is really out there buying …

Diet Sunglasses

Its amazing what sheer disgust will do to one’s appetite. And nothing seems to be more appetite killing than the sight of rotten food. Just looking at something smelly, fuzzy, wrinkly, and totally off color can make most people’s skin crawl. And guess what? According to “color theorists” (I’m dying to know what classes they had to take in college for that, color 101?), blue is the color that seems to turn off most people when it comes to food. Personally, I think this is total BS because the sight of Blueberries or better yet, Boo-berries makes my heart skip a beat. But according to a few findings, most people are turned off by blue colored food because it’s not commonly found in nature, and I guess because blue food makes us think we’re eating either mold or the droppings of a Boo-Berry ghosts. Anyhow….this leads to the creating of the “Diet Sunglasses”: making all food look like boo-berry poo by using blue lenses. 

Would this work? For me, no. And maybe its because I’m biased and have a sore spot for the boo berry ghost.

The “Smart” Plate

Not to be confused with the oh so clever blog, The Smart Kitchen, this “Smart Plate” will talk to you once dietitians have given up.

While dieting tends to be about self esteem issues, the Smart Plate is designed to take whatever little crumbs of self-worth you have left, and make you beg for them. How does this plate work?

The plate berates you with motivational phrases like, “where is you’r willpower, pussy?!”. 

Will it work: As far as I’m concerned, the only orders I take from inanimate objects is if its coming from my iphone. So unless, my iphone is berating me that I’m too fat to proceed to eat my lunch, I’ll be licking my bowl.

Spritz on Some Flavor

What sucks about “dieting” is the blandness of grilled chicken, spinach, and rice cakes all the freakin time. But its 2011! Now you can pack delciousness in a spray can (and I’m not talking about cheezwiz).

Flavor Spray is just that, a flavored spray created by “gourmet” chef David Burke that claims to add, say, bacon flavor to your green’s without all the “bacony” calories. Holy crap, guys! Think of the possibilities: root beer float liverwurst, chocolate mouse flavored kale, banana split chicken, and I’m totally hankering for a bacon flavored vegan protein chia seed green monster right now!

Will it work? I hate to break it to ya, but Bacon-flavored rice sticks and celery isn’t going to say “bacon” to my taste buds. It’s going to say, “Rice cake slathered in pork chemicals, thanks to the hubris of a man trying to play God.”

Feasting on Air

If spraying seemed a bit too heavy for you, this diet fad is sure to be right up your alley. The Breatharian diet consists of  plenty of hearty, wholesome servings of air. No water, no food, just crisp, calorie-free air. I actually read that some weird chick named “Jasmuheen” tried to do it as part of a “60 Minutes” special, but the test was stopped after “60 Minutes” ruled she was probably, like, going to die. 

Will it work? The way i see it, if I’m already indulging in something as bland as air, I better go hog wild and use those flavor sprays right?

Ok, I’m off gnaw on a piece of bacon flavored air on my plate that’s berating at how much love my “handles” are getting. While sporting my blue aviators, duh!

And it seems like forever and a year since I’ve posted a recipe! So here is one that may last slightly better than air or even bacon flavored spray.

  • 2 cups all-purpose flour or brown rice flour
  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar or sweetener of choice
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/2 cup apple sauce (see recipe below)
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup milk of choice
  • 2 eggs, beaten
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 tablespoon canola oil

Apple Sauce

  • 3-4 medium apple
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup water (it may seem like a little, but the apple will release a lot of moisture, you don’t want soup!)
  • 1 tsp cinnamon

Boil all the ingredients for the apple sauce in a pan for about 30 min on a low heat. It should reduce to a lovely, thick apple sauce (no need to puree, just lightly smush with a wooden spoon). To get started on your doughnuts, preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Grease your doughnut pan so its ready to go. Mix the flour, sugar, baking powder, nutmeg and salt. Stir in you wet ingredients (apple sauce, milk, eggs, vanilla, oil) until its all incorporated and well blended. Put your batter in a ziploc bag and pipe the batter into the doughnut pan until its about 3/4 of the way full. Bake for about 10-12 min. Let the cool slightly before you take them out of their pans and sprinkle them with powdered sugar. NOTE: do not eat them off a smart plate, and yes, these are still good when blue 😉

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24 thoughts on “Apple Pie Baked Doughnuts and New Diet Trends

  1. What a delightfully snarktastic post! I was rolling laughing over that plate! All of it is too funny – but sadly there are people out there who would use all of these! But thanks for the good laugh, I love it when your sass-o-meter is running full throttle!

    Those doughnuts look wonderful! I am gonna have to cave and get one of those doughnut pans 🙂

    • I’ve actually had a horrible past couple of days. But never whimper on my blog, thats boring. So I turn it into sass. Good trade off I think. And those pans are the best buy of the year!

  2. Oh God, this was depressing me way too much. And then I got to your pictures of those donuts and suddenly everything was ok with the world again!

    And seriously: even if the sunglasses worked, if a person has such a problem with will power in the first place, why on earth would they put them on? Dumb.

  3. Couple things:

    The glasses, I guess, replace rose-covered glasses? Wouldn’t work for me…I’d be too curious to know what flavor that “blue thing” is.

    The plate…okay, wouldn’t work but I still like it! Snarky-ness on a plate. Even better if I could record my own comments. Oh the possibilities! Dinner parties, “accidentally” leaving it at a friend/relatives house….fun, fun, fun.

    The sprays….well, I actually kind of do this already but with vinegar and spices on my popcorn. So in a weird way I guess it would “work” for me but probably not as intended. Again, I’d want to try the spray on multiple foods say like that bowl of “blue” ice cream…

    Now what might happen if I flavor spray one of those “smart” plates and lick it off? Now THAT might work.

    And how about that Extra Dessert gum? The mint choc. chip ice cream one is pretty darn close to the real thing. Methinks Willy Wonka “dinner-in-a-gum” is right around the corner. They already have dinner-flavored sodas (Jones sells specialty ones!)

    Sorry about the novel (:

  4. wow haha. that’s a crying shame about the bacon flavored spray. 1. nothing could ever replace bacon in my life and 2. it’s not even “bad” for you because i’m not eating half the package daily. women’s mags in particular really frustrate me because they are the #1 pushers of frankenfoods. i used to have really bad tummy issues a couple years ago because i ate the sugarfree/fatfree garbage instead of whole, real food. what a difference in bloating it makes lol.

  5. What is this world coming to?!?!? Diet SUNGLASSES?!?!? The AIR diet (now that is just an eating disorder by another name). I’m amazed. Not really. People in this world are damn stupid. And so the creators of these things are actually quite smart for trying to appeal to that tendency.

    I want those donuts. Sprayed with bacon spray. Hah.

  6. The people that buy these things are the same people that buy the Hawaii Chair or whatever that monstrocity was that you highlighted a few posts ago 😉 Don’t forget the chapsticks that taste like different Candy Bars! I was in the store the other day and actually heard two chicks talking about how wearing them took away their cravings to eat them. Ummm….yeah.

    E-mail me if you’re having issues. I’m ticked you’re holding out on me.

  7. This post actually made me feel slightly nauseous. It amused me, but also made me nauseous. Namely the ‘Flavour Spray’. It’s creeped out my taste buds and they have now left me forever.

    Thanks.

    At least the donuts make up for it 😀

  8. I don’t really like donuts, but I kind of have this weird dream that I’d like to open a doughnut shop. A savory donut shop maybe? Okay weird.

    I love this post because I get a huge kick out of “diet trends”! It is hysterical what some people think of. It reminds me that these days it’s all about makin’ the monayyyyy.

    • I know! what kills me is that these products are cash cows! I’m just gonna come up with a donut that I will claim makes your cellulite disappear. Then I’ll fly you over to LA and and take you out to a lunch!

  9. Hmmmmm…now what might this taste like? “chocolate mouse flavored kale”.

    Not sure if this was a typo (intentional or not) or another brilliant dieting scheme but either way it made me laugh 🙂

  10. hahaha- this is a really great post. I’m laughing out loud at the flavor spray- wouldn’t you just eat a whole lot of something if it truly did work? Something seems wrong there. I think that blueberry cereal looks really good actually, kind of like trix but all blueberry?
    my favorite line from this post is, “thanks to the hubris of man trying to play god.” I think we can blame this same phenomenon for the hair growth in a can stuff.
    Happy Saturday darlin 🙂

  11. I hate the word diet! I cannot believe the things out nowadays. so sad actually that people believe they work. In college I worked at a supplement store, sold all types of things, and diet stuff was huge. I will admit I tried some. Never will I again. It is the worst thing one can do to one’s body. I feel so bad that I put my body through it. But you learn and hope to prevent others from doing the same thing. 🙂

    Doughnuts look great!

  12. Bacon spray just sounds nasty. I know some people who keep vanilla extract in spray bottles. What a nice surprise it would be if they added the wrong liquid to their cake. Or maybe not? Maybe bacon cake would be amazing.

    I need a donut pan. I keep entering these CSN giveaways just to get one, but I don’t think I’ll ever win.

  13. So when I read blogs, I scan the whole thing first and then zone in on the parts I actually want to read. [In your case, it’s usually the whole darn thing…] But as I glanced through and saw my blog name in a “Diet Trend” I was super confused and wondered what diet trend I was inspiring aside from “eats WAY too much nut butter and has a soft spot for pork products.” But then I used my bad-a** English major skills to determine exactly what was going on.

    This has no point, which I just realized. But I’m going to push “post comment” anyway, because, well…I want to.

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