There is a new, possibly lethal, disorder.
No, it’s not “orthorexia” or “drukerxia”. Nope, its Disney Princess Syndrome.
Symptoms: a single parent, anorexia (or unhealthy bodies), virginity and purity, Caucasian skin tone (with the exception of Pocahontas’ skin being a sort of mush of every ethnicity on the planet), a lack of an identity, the ability to fall in love in five minutes and lastly, an unending desire to complete their ultimate goal; to be married.
Wow, no wonder some girls are messed up these days!
Lets take a look at the most commonly affected women:
Snow White: I should give snow white some slack since she’s from the 1930’s (before modern feminism). She has no biological mother, so she has an evil stepmother. Naturally, the step mother is nasty looking and inherently evil (Muammar Gaddafi was a step mother, did you know that? True story). The step-mother; vain, sexually aware (she’s mature, single and takes care of herself) and this is “evil”. The good and pure (wink wink, virgin) Snow White knows nothing of sex, hell she even looks like a kid. She loves housework, as any good girl does, and is only saved from death in the woods by the male woodcutter and the dwarfs. Like I said, it’s easy to have a go at Snow White for being sexist. I mean really, truly, mind boggingly easy! Anyhow the Disney Princess Syndrome is obviously present here, albeit excusable give the time period.
Cinderella: Clearly, beauty is an issue here. The step mother and sisters are ugly. The step sisters are both flat-chested and the step mother is barely pushing a B cup. All the symptoms Disney Princess Syndrome are present: to be married, obtain unrealistic beauty, virginity, dead mother, a lack of any real character beyond being a woman, a bizarre desire to sing, and the easy love.
Ariel: Wow, where do I start!? For the record, I am a big fan of the original little mermaid. I’m a bit of a Hans Christian Andersen nerd, and in the original, she must either kill the prince or perish. She choses the later. Anyhow…..Disney does things differently! Once again, motherless mermaid princess, falls in love with a sailor (a twist on actual mermaid tales where it’s the sailor who falls for the seductive mermaid). Ariel (who might I remind you is 16), can’t get the prince because she can’t walk on land. The obvious solution is to get legs. She does; from her evil, older, fat, alternative-mother woman sorcerer. For the legs she exchanges her voice. She gives up her voice, her mermaid family/friends, and entire way of life for a dude. And now she still has to get handsome Eric to fall in love with her without her voice. How you ask? When ya get ’em, spread ’em .Classic.
Belle: Actually, I love Belle. She reminds me of….me! No mother, a little over protective of her father, likes books, her waist is almost as wide as her head! Holy crap could this be it? Could this be the first Disney Princess Syndrome breakthrough recovery? Meh…..kinda. In the beginning, the Beast (in human form) refuses entry to his castle to an ugly old woman who it turns out is beautiful sorcerer (typical) and punishes him for being such a cold, vain douhce-bag. And thus the Beast is born.So what’s the problem? Belle gets traumatized by Beast a few time and yet she sticks it out, eventually turning the abusive Beast into the handsome Prince whom she marries. Well, again marriage saves the day! When do these girls go off to lead their own lives? My kind of Belle would have told the Beast to go fuck a rose and walked out. So maybe belle is “semi-recovered” but she’s still with the man who locked up her father in the dungeon. Tisk tisk.
Jasmine: Ugh! Once again, bad body representation. Jasmine has a teeny waist, even smaller feet and hands (and quite sexualised for a Disney film with that skimpy outfit). Once again Jasmine has no mother to speak of (GIVE THESE WOMEN SOME MOTHERS ALREADY!). Anyhow, the main problem here is that, in a reverse from the earlier Princess films, Jasmine uses sex to win the day. In the end battle with Jafar Jasmine is kept as a pseudo sex slave, but to contribute to saving the day uses her body to distract Jafar. So what? Girls can’t fight? Thats the man’s job. But she sure can use her sex to distract the bad guy…and thats about all she can do. Jasmine still maintains that absurd bobble-head body, and supposedly Arab, or perhaps Persian. I never know for sure, Disney’s very wishy washy on ethnicity.
Ok, sarcasm aside. You’r probably asking yourself, “But, Eden! These are just movies for entertainment! Lighten up!”.
And who am I to say that Disney should change. These princesses had been a cash cow for ages! Perhaps the Disney shareholders would throw a fit if the formula changed. Who knows.
In the meantime, I’m still surprised Aladdin didn’t ask for a million whore as one of his wishes. Or better yet, you know what better than a million whores?????
Ok, so what do you think about the Disney Princess Syndrome? Do you have a favorite character (hell, it can be a talking crab for all I care).