Guest Post: Sure Fire Ways to Be a Superstar “Health” Blogger!

Sometimes, I get sick of my blog. So invite someone brilliant to take over and provide something a little more stimulating.  Hence once again, I let Abby take the reins. Be sure to check out my guest post on her turf. So without further ado, I give you my fabulous friend, Abby:

Hello again!

I was hesitant to do another post swap because the focus of my blog has changed in the past few months. I still have issues, but just a whole bunch more random ones that don’t always involve food or exercise.

See, I am not a healthy living blogger, nor am I a food blogger or a chef like dear Eden.

When I first started blogging almost two years ago, I thought that I could be just that (a healthy living blogger, not a chef. Lord knows that’s a lost cause.) Most of my posts were focused on those food and exercise issues. While I live a lifestyle that is healthy for me—eat more, move less—and I do read a variety of health-ish blogs (and have a love of oatmeal and green vegetables,) writing about that all the time got boring.

But I know that a lot of Eden’s readers are into recipes and whatnot and I didn’t want to bore her readers any more than necessary. So even though I follow none of these tips myself, here are a few things you can do if you want to have a popular “healthy” blog and get a lot of comments:

  • Take lots of pictures of food, even if it’s a piece of fruit or a bowl of cereal. People like food porn.
  • Focus on something that has been around for decades—oatmeal, Nutella, a certain vegetable—and act as if you not only discovered it, but reinvented it.
  • Train for a marathon—the kind you run in, not the kind you DVR to watch on a snowy Saturday afternoon—or do some sort of short-term challenge. Ex. 30 Days of Minimal Oxygen or 100 Days of Foods with Three Ingredients or Less
  • People will sell their soul for free stuff, so host lots of giveaways that require people to comment, Tweet, “like” you on Facebook and recommend your blog to at least a dozen other people. Then instruct them to tell you about each and every step.
  • Come up with nicknames for things, as healthy living bloggers have a language that includes words like nooch, bloobs, etc.
  • Review products, as people will often base their own purchasing decisions on the opinion of a semi-anonymous person with great pictures (see above.)
  • Pose a question at the end of each post that includes something about oatmeal preferences, smoothies or body image. You will get comments.
  • Become very interested in finding new things that “taste just like the real thing” instead the actual real thing (ex. spaghetti squash is not spaghetti, peanut flour is not peanut butter, flax eggs are not eggs, etc.)
  • Apologize often if you miss a day of posting or haven’t been commenting much on other blogs. Your sincerity will be appreciated, as others often do put their lives on hold in anticipation of your posts.
  • Spend copious amounts of time reading the “big” blogs and leaving insightful comments in hopes that the “big” blogger will in turn read your blog, declare it genius and refer their thousands of readers to your page. Good luck with that.
  • Adopt some sort of “ism”  or extreme behavior, whether it’s veganism or a love of meat, excessive exercise or a hatred of activity. You get the idea. Either way you go, your posts will justify the behavior of some readers who were in doubt as to whether butter is wonderful, butter is the devil, etc. You will get comments.
  • Never really take a definitive stance on anything and remain vague when asked about a hot button topic—unless it’s oatmeal or kale, as every time someone says they dislike either item, a baby bunny gets run over by a lawnmower. Remember that.
  • Claim to only write for yourself and declare time after time that you would continue to spend six hours a day taking pictures of all your food and logging every gram of trans fat you eliminated from your day even if nobody read.

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However, keep open the possibility of a book deal.

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with blogs that do any or all of the above mentioned things. To each their own, as my views and observations don’t necessarily reflect those of Ms. Eden or a majority of the blog population. Just me. Sorry.

Did I miss anything?

EDENS NOTE: although Abby warned about these observations not necessarily reflecting my views, they kinda do, so you can hate on me too.



 

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73 thoughts on “Guest Post: Sure Fire Ways to Be a Superstar “Health” Blogger!

  1. Add me to the hatin’ on list as well! Best post I’ve read today! The insights in these truths is amazing – you really hit it spot on and I am rolling laughing! I especially love the “baby bunny gets run over by lawnmower” line – that is classic.
    Thanks for the great post!!!

  2. Holy-roni!!

    There! I made a cutesy word! Am I a famous health blogger now?! Oh, wait, macaroni has too many carbs, it’s not healthy, it probably doesn’t have as much fiber as tofu noodles…so nope, still not a superstar.

    OMG!!!! Superstar blogger just tweeted her new post!! MUST GO COMMENT NOW!!!!

    Ah, fuck, I commented third. Oh well. In 20 minutes I can comment again on her next post.

    Ooh. Just made oatmeal. Must take picture but first let me scatter a teaspoon of pretty organic coconut over with a spoonful of natural high-protein lower-fat peanut butter flour concoction. Maybe one pinch of raw cacao nib as well.

    By the way, sorry I only post 3 times a week…Damn me, for having a life (sort of life with the amount of schoolwork I have) that I cannot post every time after I eat a cottage cheese pudding.

    And now, my dear sweetie pies, I sign off with a solemn slogan: “Say NO to HFCS!”

    Toodles, oatmeal cupcakes~

    xoxo
    Sophia.

  3. This is great. Wonderful post Abby! I give it two green-smoothie-garmin-wearing-banana crusted-oatmeal thumbs UP.
    Btw, is it just me or do all these “healthy food bloggers” have dogs?

  4. Having no more than 1/2tsp of dessert and then declare that you are fully satisfied. Anymore than that means you need to feel REAL guilty about overindulging – then proceed to announce to your readers that you are doing a cleanse/detox due to overconsumption in sugary fatty processed food.

  5. This is classic “Focus on something that has been around for decades—oatmeal, Nutella, a certain vegetable—and act as if you not only discovered it, but reinvented it.”

    As is the blogging for yourself (not readers). As if we’d take all these pics for “ourselves”. Sure. 🙂

    Great tag team post, ladies!

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  7. This is awesome. Those blogs are like car accidents! They are AWFULLLLLL but I can’t stop reading! I find myself rolling my eyes EVERY time I read about what went into one’s oatmeal that day, but still don’t stop. Advice? Eden and Abby- that is why I love your blogs- the sarcasm and wit makes me crack up like you wouldn’t believe. Keep it up! Some of these other blogs have become socially acceptable overexercise/disordered eating blogs in my opinion, and it helps to have blogs that are “different”
    xo

    • I agree about the train wreck factor. Obviously I still browse those kind of blogs myself, or else I wouldn’t have fodder for my own snarky rant 😉

  8. While I love this post and it made me laugh, I do feel a bit uncomfortable and as though my blog may get judged. I do some of these things, but I don’t think that makes me insincere or anything. I’ll admit I’ve written about butter, cereal, and oats. I’ve reviewed products, but ones that I haven’t seen on other blogs and partly so I’ll remember later if I liked them or not. And while one of the biggest gains I’ve made through blogging is the friendship and that is a big reason why I blog, the primary reason I DO blog is for me. It helps me feel good to put something out there in the world every day.

    That being said, I’m glad you write these posts Eden – not many other people are doing it! It’s great to have someone just lay out all of these “unspoken” nuances and I do agree with some of them, even though I wouldn’t generalize them to each blogger in the “healthy living” community. (Though the term “healthy living” does confuse me – what the heck does it even mean?)

      • Hey Susan,
        I do some of those things too, and if I never read any of “those” blogs, I wouldn’t know how to write something satirical about them 😉 That’s what makes the blog world fun–so many choices!

    • I understand susan, and although I cant speak for abby, I read your blog and you dont really fill it with nonsense oats in jars or whatever. I eat greek yogurt and nut butter like the rest of these bloggers and thats ok. Its fun to even laugh at yourself sometimes. It keeps me humble. I would not read your blog if I were judging it.

      • Eden,
        You can totally speak for me, as you know I eat more oatmeal, Greek yogurt and sunbutter than you 😉 Plus, I read Susan’s blog for the same reason.

      • I feel honored to be called “cool”. I’m so used to being called “weird” and “flat” (in reference to my chest) so I’ll take “cool”.

  9. I must admit to really enjoying some of “those” blogs and learning/getting lots of ideas from them, BUT..I just cannot get over the peanut flour paste thing. I can do it on oats or with other things, but it DOES NOT taste as good as pb.

    • Jess, I agree! It works well in baking or in other ways because its just a different form, but it is not the same as peanut butter at all! I have made a few damn good things with it, but it’s an ingredient in my eyes, not the main event.

      I’m going to go open a new peanut butter jar now, all this talk is making me hungry ; )

  10. Haha, what a great post. I’ll admit I used to read so many of those that did ALL of that. Not that there’s anything*wrong* with those blogs, but most got old and boring really quick. I look at them every now and again, but mostly to see what’s changed in the foodie blogworld and see if there is anything I’d like to try.

    I DID get some benefit to those blogs though. I learned how to make an awesome bowl of oats that I never would have thought of myself. Hell, I don’t think I ever TRIED oatmeal before I read food blogs… I also got turned on to roasting veggies, protein shakes AND goat cheese. No complaints there. 🙂

    • Exactly. You know I’m just being snarky. Blogs are like TV shows–something for everyone. I go through phases and owe my addiction to tahini oats and MANY other foods to the blogs I started reading with. But then…it gets old 😉 Reruns.

  11. Thank you so much for writing this. SO FUNNY. I have a few things to add, as I have been noticing some hilarious similarities in all the “big” blogs.
    1) Do not forget to end all of your sentences with emoticons   :S, just so there are no doubts left as to what you are feeling.
    2) Never refer to your significant other as your husband. Have a cutesy nickname for him instead, of just call him your “hubby”. Talk about how he used to be a meat and potatoes man, but now he CANNOT STOMACH THAT STUFF.
    3) Treat every post as an opportunity to tell your readers how amazing they are and how without them you just wouldn’t be the blogger that you are today. Because clearly you are doing your readers a great service and enriching their lives with your food pictures.
    4) Talk about overcoming disordered eating. Because that time in high school when you lost ten pounds by cutting out dairy totally counts as a legitimate eating disorder!
    5) Have a post where you admit that sometimes you feel sad. Wait for the comments that tell you “ omg you are so brave for admitting that sometimes you feel sad!!!! Having a range of emotions is such a difficult thing to admit!!!! You are truly an inspiration.”

    • Sorry if number four was a little insensitive, I just feel like a lot of bloggers self-diagnose themselves with having had an eating disorder. It’s like going on a diet and losing weight in not the healthiest of ways does not an eating disorder make, sorry. An eating disorder is a serious disease that doesn’t go away because you discover green smoothies/start blogging or whatever. It is actually my biggest pet peeve with the healthy blogging world, because I feel that a lot of bloggers really trivialize the issue of eating disorders.

  12. Hah, very percipient post. I’m a total hypocrit in that I look down on blogs that do some of these things as sad wannabes but am guilty of doing some of them myself (albeit inadvertantly). The commenting thing is the one that bugs me the most though.

    Great cutting sarcasm as always: I think Eden and Abby are twins psychologically, if not biologically.

    xxx

    • I’m guilty too! I’ve used the word “nooch” and apologized for missed posts and whatnot. its always good to laugh at yourself and never taking you or blogging too seriously.

      And its scary, sometimes, I’ll read abby’s posts and think, “Who’s been listening on my therapy sessions!”

  13. Hahaha I literally LOLed reading this post…is it supposed to be funny?! Well I sure hope so, because I was amused! Totally agree about the commenting on huge blogs in the hopes that they will one day comment back on yours…and the bloobs and nooch thing..haha love it!

  14. lol agreed. i’m lucky if i get a couple posts in a week let alone shots of every morsel that enters my mouth. i’m too busy eating it!

  15. YES. Thanks for taking each bullet point from my brain and typing it up here for me 😉 You forgot random pictures of the blogger eating or drinking whatever it is they’re talking about. This is one I actually do frequently, mostly because my mom is always nagging me to show more of my face on my blog 😛

  16. This is too funny. I hope people don’t take this TOO seriously, because of course we all do some of these things, but that’s the funny part. I love the bit about a bunny getting run over by a lawnmower if someone doesn’t like oatmeal or kale!

    This actually reminded me of “stuff white people like” – hilarious book, ftw.

  17. it was almost as fun to read the comments as it was to read the actual post. hilarious. abby you know that i love your wit and humor more than anything! i am so glad i decided to stay up til 2 AM reading blogs instead of marking all as read in google reader. wouldn’t have wanted to miss this. so flipping funny.

    oh, speaking of, one thing that drives me bonkers NOW but i used to do it is when bloggers talk about how high their google readers are and that they are sorry for not reading and commenting and that they may just have to mark all as read and apologize for it and whatnot.. yeah, i realized how retarded that was because when i saw people say in on their blogs i would think “who the hell cares?” ..so i stopped. nobody gives a shit how many blog posts you have or haven’t read. and if anyone really cares if you leave a comment, then they are in this whole blog thing for the wrong reason. realizing that was one of the best things ever for me.. feeling obligated to tell someone their food looks good is ridiculous.

    plus, i have a hubby and two dogs to attend to. oh, and i need to go prepare my overnight oats and foam roll my whole body and take photos of the whole process for my next post.

    love you girls!

    p.s. typing the term hubby just made me cringe… i need to click off this page now.

  18. this is hilarious! I’ve only just begun my blog but I’ve been reading blogs for about 9 months now and I’ve noticed that all those things were true. Your post is totally book material, maybe something satirical about blogging perhaps?

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  20. I stumbled upon this post (honestly I don’t even remember how) and LOVE it! For once someone is speaking honestly about the craziness that occurs with the Healthy Living blogs! And don’t forget to post something about selling your first born child for a Chobani and some sort of homemade nut butter.

  21. PS Yes, totally laughing at myself. And realizing why my ‘normal’ friends think I’m crazy for saying “Kale chips!? OMG they are sooo yummy!” I should have known they were evil when I got a scar from baking kale chips while in a bikini- serves me right.

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  23. I’ve never commented on here before but this was just too funny not to! I notice that pretty much every healthy living blogger has oatmeal every single day. I like them every once in a while but I need variety! And they act like it’s a crime to not be obsessed with oats, green smoothies, whatever!
    I agree with Ana above. They do trivialize eating disorders, which are a HUGE issue. My blog is actually about my recovery from a REAL eating disorder, I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to stop having anorexia. You can’t do that. A crash diet doesn’t count as an eating disorder.
    Can’t wait to read more from you in the future!

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