Homemade Ranch Dip and Queen of Klutz

As I sit here typing this, I’m smelling the evidence to me being the biggest klutz in the world.

The reason why I’m “smelling” the evidence is that today at work, I opened a jar of peanut butter (a new one, with all the peanut oil floating on the top) and managed to spill all that peanut juice all down my shirt and little cleavage I posses.

So now, I smell like a 5 year old. Good thing I’m about seven in spirit.

But the biggest klutz in the WORLD?! Yes, that is me, my friends.

Don’t believe me?  Do you doubt my status as the most tremendous klutz in
the world?  Well, I’ll just have to convince you.  Let’s review some of
the klutzy-ass things that I have done:

1) Fallen flat on my ass right before receiving my college diploma:

Oh, this sounds tame, you say?  Well, actually, “fallen” is not really descriptive
enough.  Let’s go for “tumbled.”  “Rolled” would also work.  As would
“somersaulted,” as in “I somersaulted down the auditorium stairs all the way to the
bottom, where I lay, dazed, for about one tenth of a second, when the eyes and cameras were on me. Right before I even got the diploma! Bonus points, I wore a dress (at least I wasn’t going commando, and thanks to this incident, I never will). I got up and waved that I’m ok because I heard the whole auditorium hold their breath when I hit the floor. Anyhow, I have it on tape, and its a good thing VCRs are extinct.

2) Electrocuting myself

I was trying to set up my dorm room when I moved in to college. Some of the outlets seemed busted, so I called electrician.  When he came over I was trying to test different outlets  to see if they worked.  But this one outlet was kind of clogged with paint, and I couldn’t get the prongs of the computer in there, so instead I just start ROOTING AROUND with MY FINGER.  And so I was shocked.  And it hurt.  But I tried to play it off all cool, like nothing had happened, despite the audible “BZZZT” that had accompanied my electrocution.  But it didn’t work, because immediately the electrician was like, “Hey – all the hair on your left arm is standing straight up!”   And so it was.  And now that I think about it, that is less klutzy and more just flat-out stupid.

3) Ruining the neatly packed supermarket shelves:

I was in the grocery store shopping for my usual suspect. I was looking at a variety of teas…reading the ingredients…enjoying all the variety…then, I took a box of peppermint tea off the shelf…and (I am not kidding) a bunch of other tea boxes came flying off the shelf.  They didn’t just fall off the shelf…they FLEW off the shelf.  Not just one box….not just two boxes…but a gazillion boxes!  And worst of all…there were witnesses and very angry store clerks morning their hard re-stocking work. I’m believed to be blacklisted at this supermarket.

But stupidity aside, I really am an enormous klutz.  Falling down stairs, falling up stairs, falling out of beds, falling out of the shower, stepping in the toilet (oh, do not ask) – it’s all happened to me, and it happens all the damn time.  Which is why I prefer using plastic bowls and wearing smocks when I cook. Because trust me, I really don’t like having my chest smell like peanuts.

Do you have an incident to rival mine?

And here’s a way to use yogurt, other than in the blogger beloved, “yogurt mess”.

  • 1/3 cup nonfat Greek style yogurt or sour cream
  • 1/3 cup lowfat buttermilk
  • 3 tablespoons mayo
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice
  • 1/2 teaspoon parsley (I used dried)
  • 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh chives
  • Salt to taste

This recipe is super complicated. Mix it all up and dips with your favorite veggies. Just wear a bib if your as klutzy as me 😉


15 thoughts on “Homemade Ranch Dip and Queen of Klutz

  1. I have to say I am really grossed out by pretty much all creamy white sauces/ dips. I do like yogurt though. I sometimes mix plain yogurt or greek yogurt with salsa to make a quick veggie or chip dip. Mayo is the one that freaks me out the most…

    As for klutzy incidences, I have a huge scar from falling backwards into a bathtub at a party… but I”m pretty sure that had something to do with the “drinking” as well. I can’t be sure…

  2. I passed out right before my high school graduation ceremony (had the flu, crowded hallway, etc.) and had a dress on too (not commando.) When I woke up on the floor, the first thing I thought of was that I was wearing a dress and didn’t want everyone checking out my underwear. That’s not really klutzy, but I can kind of relate 😉

    Needless to say, I’m a klutz. I fall going up stairs, not down, and I’m awkward with my own limbs, like I haven’t had them attached to my body for 29 years. Oh well…and there are worse things to smell like than PB.

  3. Besides my tendency to drop a brick, I’m fortunately not a victim of involuntary public humiliation. But I’m dreamy and clutter minded, so these are things that repeatedly happended to me:

    – I leave the house without my shoes.
    – I bite myself while eating.
    – When I eat a candy, it happens that I through the candy away and put the paper into my mounth.
    – I put my things down at unusual places at home and leave them there. Once, while learning, I suddenly missed the book I had been learning from, and two hours later I found it in the fridge. (This was because I had gotten hungry while learning and went to the fridge with the book in my hands, and I had to deposit it somewhere to have free hands for taking out some food.)

  4. OMG, I was absolutely panicked that I was going to fall getting my diploma. Instead they just messed up my name. I’m a huge klutz too. I always have a million bruises that seem to appear out of nowhere. I can’t walk through a doorway without knocking my shoulder off. This morning walking into the office, there was a guy behind me of course, my heel got caught in the door plate so I kept going forward, so did he, but my foot did not! Good times

  5. I would like to challenge you on “klutz-ness”. Hmm, do you have your bathtub’s tap imprint on your knee currently? 😉 And I only do things like that while sober. I totally believe that my klutz-ness is only alleviated by alcohol. Maybe I should drink more…

  6. My company moved downtown to a new location at the end of last year and I wasn’t familiar at all with the area (even tho I made a practice run a few days prior). Well the very first morning we moved to the new office, I drove downtown and slowly passed what I THOUGHT was my parking garage, but I wasn’t 100% sure so I didn’t turn in and drove past.
    (Of course you know how it can be easy to get turned around in downtowns with all the oneway streets, etc.) Well then I decided screw it and decided to go back to it. So instead of proceeding to the next light to make a u-turn and go back to the garage, I decided to just do it right there in the middle of the street. I ended up ramming the person on my left because I was so nervous about finding the garage that I didn’t even check to see if anyone was there. So there I was w/in walking distance to my new building just glaring at it while we exchanged insurance info.
    Talk about a bad first day at the new office.

    I too will find softball size bruises on my legs all the time and have no idea how they get there. I’m also always fumbling over my feet and there’s really no reason for it. Glad it’s not just me lol

  7. I hereby apologize for always making yogurt messes of everything.

    It is something I am not proud of.

    I admire you for actually utilizing yogurt in another form, and will aspire to one day reach the heights you have.

    Once I DID use it to make tzatziki.


  8. it’s not you it’s the damn peanut oil. i HATE the peanut oil! it takes forever for the jar to actually get peanut buttery and is the bane of my existence. i think my almond butter is still struggling with the oil and it’s pissing me off.

    girl the other day i knocked an entire shelf of trader joe’s o’s off the shelf. whoopsies!

  9. my name is roserunner and I am a Klutz.

    half of my food ends up on my clothes or on the floor. Fact.

    I was electrocuted for the first time at the gym while plugging in a fan. I always thought electrocution = death, so I was confused as to why my finger just felt kind of burned and numb. It made me giggle

  10. girl I am a klutz like no other. I once fell while running. Just tripped over my own feet. It was sad really, haha. I skidded down the side walk. I think people wanted to laugh and cry for me at the same time!

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