WARNING: This post is extremely personal and I don’t want to trigger or upset anyone. I am just speaking from my personal experience and yours might be different. Lets play nice and keep nasty comments to a minimum.
Lately, I’ve noticed how angry I am at some people. At some emaciated looking woman at the grocery store checking the labels of a salad bag. At this woman who was bone thin running in the streets. Even at some blogs. Blogs of some seriously thin girls touting how they a new non calorie sweetener or whatever (mind you, its not like I don’t use splenda, but I’m also not bone thin either).
I suppose this is just anger towards me. I used to be that label checker, that new low calorie food detective, that running girl. But I look back in disgust.
If the “me” from back then looked at the “me” now, she’d call me “fat” and “out of control”. My food intake used to be VERY meticulous. Always calculated and measured. Exercise was rigid and endless.
But I got tired. Physically and emotionally. It was boring eating the same thing every single day, and lord knows I am not one of those people who get a runner’s high. I’m no longer in denial and seeing other people in denial makes me angry. I want to strangle their eating disorder, rip it to shreds, yell to it “F*** YOU!!!”.
But I’m not some “recovery fairy godmother”. My mission in life is not to go cure every person struggling with a food/exercise issue. As much as I want to yell and preach at those girls I’ve seen, I won’t. I know of they want help, they’ll have to make that decision for themselves. Recovery is a joke unless there is a will.
My roommate from treatment, Michale, was one of the funniest people I’ve met.
She and I would laugh ourselves to sleep. She was from Toronto, and I always made fun of her pronunciation of words like “out” and “about”. Michale was also a big foodie. She loved food (who doesn’t?) and she had good taste. Michale’s eating disorder was stubborn though and no laughing matter.
A year after I left treatment, Michale passed away from complications of her anorexia. She was 28.
When I heard about Michale’s death, I hated her a little. To be honest, I hated everyone who was skinny. I hated myself. That was when I realized that I don’t want to die and have people think, “well, at least she was thin…”. Michale died for a stupid reason, and there’s no way in hell I’m gonna let that happen to me. For my sake, and for Michale’s memory.
So this is why I get so angry when I see those people walking around, checking labels, running their hearts out when they can barely catch their breath.. This is why I hate reading blogs of people clearly in denial of their issues.
Why did I write this?
Its getting close to the anniversary of Michale’s death and I’ve just had a lot of pent up anger that I wanted to let out. Like I mentioned, I’m no recovery fairy godmother because its not like I’m super cool with food either. But I’m no longer at an unhealthy weight anymore. Because a million things can kill me, but I’m to angry to let thinness be one of them.
What makes you angry? Do things that actually pertain to how you are/used be anger you? How do you feel about “thinness”?
So to go along with my “thin” theme here, I decided to make a rip-off of the Girl Scout thin mints (mind you, I dont lone most dessert-mint things because it reminds me of toothpaste, but these are an exception, they are that good!)
2 1/4 cups sorghum flour (for a gluten free version) or all purpose flour
1/4 cup cornstarch
6 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter, room temperature
1/3 cup milk (any kind)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
3/4 tsp peppermint extract (you can totally omit this if mint gives you that toothpaste feel)
In a small bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, cocoa powder and salt.
In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar. With the mixer on low speed, add in the milk and the extracts. Mixture will look curdled. Gradually, add in the flour mixture until fully incorporated.
Shape dough into two logs, about 1 1/2 inches (or about 4 cm) in diameter,
wrap in plastic wrap and freeze for at least 1/2 an hour.
Preheat oven to 375F.
You can roll the dough out and make cookie cut outs like me, or, slice dough into rounds not more than 1/4 inch thick – if they are too thick, they will not be as crisp – and place on a parchment lined baking sheet. Cookies will not spread very much, so you can put them quite close together.
Bake for 13-15 minutes, until cookies are firm at the edges. Cool cookies completely on a wire rack before dipping in chocolate. Dip them in melted chocolate (you can microwave chocolate chips or do what I did and do it over a pot of boiling water). Now you can turn down those Girl Scouts because you can make better ones at home!