Santa Hates Me Too

Its not secret that I’m a Jew (and not a stereotypical “JAP”, I’m of the frugal breed).

Hence, I’m pretty sure Santa never pays me a visit, regardless of my list of things I would like.

But as I was driving today, indulging in one of my painkillers, NPR, I heard about syndicated columnist Amy Dickenson of the Chicago Tribune. Last month, she set up a Twitter account called “santahatesme“. She encouraged readers to write in with the worst gifts they have ever gotten – and despite the ‘Santa’ label, she was looking for ANY gift, from birthdays to anniversaries and so on. There were some amazingly bad gifts noted on the list.

Somehow, year after year, we get clueless, of the wall and confusing presents, sometimes so strange, so off-putting, you begin to question the entire relationship. Im not just talking about “re-gifting”, I’m talking complete weirdo and even used gifts. Here are some of my favorites I found on the twitter page:

-Tire Polish

-Half a tube of toothpaste with a Star Wars figurine in a brown paper bag (classy!)

-a velvet Dachshund wiener dog wrapped in a hotdog bun

-hotel shampoo and conditioner (lets hope didn’t stay in a motel)

-a plush-toy “PhartEphant,” a stuffed elephant that makes certain, uh, noises when you squeeze it

Ok, so after reading all this, I decided to come up with a gifting Do’s and Don’t’s

-Dont give anybody anything that poops, unless you KNOW they want and can handle an animal. At least for the animal’s sake, just DON’T.

-Show “some” effort. I rather get no gift than something that someone just put no effort what so ever in. “Used” gifts come to mind.

-No monograms. For example, someone wrote in, “my mother-in-law gave me a monogram sweater. Unfortunately, it was the initials of my husband’s girlfriend. That’s how I found out about it and she is now my ex mother-in-law.” Anyhow, monograms can land you in hot water….and nothing beats being broken up over a via sweater.

-No photos…..of the giver. Yea, ummmm….enough said.

-No joke gifts. Sure, they can be funny and I can appreciate a good laugh. But you always need to give a “real” gift to follow up.

-Never do “halfsies”. I have a problem with “half” of things in general, and half of a gift (be it toothpaste of a half knit sweater) screams “I totally forgot to get you something”.

If all else fails, just listen to this Family Guy song for some handy gifts:

I know… recipe, but I promise lots of goodies planned for this weekend. Stay tuned!
What is the worst give you ever received? My dad’s really good friend once gave me a fake loaf of bread. It was silly, but I must say, its not gotten stale!

16 thoughts on “Santa Hates Me Too

  1. Oh man, that monogram story is so terrible! My mom is a 2nd grade teacher, and she gets a pretty funny assortment of Christmas gifts from her class every year. You can always tell who is re-gifting some weird home furnishing item or set of bath salts . . .

    • Teachers always get those. My mom always gave me bookstore gift certificates. Although I can go off in a tangent about gift certificates, I think its a smarter idea. I mean they are teachers! they probably read, and if they dont, maybe they should start.

  2. Dont’ give anything that poops…great one!

    That pic of the bald guy is hysterical and no need for me to hear the Family Guy song because I know it by heart LOL!

  3. oh I’ve gotten a lot of those. Worst gift… grandma (sweet nana) once gave me a doll that looked like chuckie! I was 15yrs old! I think it freaked me out more than anything. haha.

  4. I don’t remember specifically, but I’m sure it was sometime during that transition from little girl, to “to cool for school” tenager. Like getting the same cute stuffed animals and trinkets with hearts and rainbows on them from Claires or something……..
    that you liked years ago!

    I say be mindfull of a persons age as well 🙂

  5. I agree with most of these, but I’ve seen the farting Elephant at a couple trade shows and he’s cute as hell. The woman created a couple books in a series about animals that have something “different” about them, but that still find a way to be happy and make friends. He’s actually really adorable (I don’t use that word often) and the woman is really great 😉

    Other than that, I’m glad we don’t really do gifts in my family. Unless it is something special, it feels superficial.

  6. Crap- I wonder if I can still get to the post office to get back the framed 8 x 10 head shot I sent you for a gift…

    hehe- I cringe everytime someone gives me a candle, because I hate candles. But that’s not a traditionally “bad” gift, I just happen to dis like them…
    So I usually regift them (naughty naughty)

  7. Hehehe.. those are cute. I totally agree with not giving pets… I mean, I would love to shower everyone I know with a puppy for Christmas, but that would probably make me the world’s largest contributor to animal shelters in the new year. Not cool.

  8. LOL, loved your no-no-suggestions and the vid! (The dog in the vid was so cute!) 😀 My grandmother often gives me a lot of useless stuff for Christmas … Things she apparently didn’t need herself and, well, just wrapped up in paper to hand them over to me … Eek. The most embarrassing gift was a book called about “the loveliest prayer for kids” because I’m in my end twenties now and not going to marry and have children … Can’t imagine that, but she seems to want me do otherwise. Sigh.

  9. Worst gift? baby shower gift that was a baby gift that had been worn by this woman’s baby but she was trying to pass it off as new. I am totally fine w/ handmedowns and have posted TONS that i thrift, buy 2ndhand, wear used clothes, flea markets, etc…totally fine. But dont give me a gift for my baby with your baby’s spit up on it and pass it off as new. Just me of course, though 🙂

  10. I think the worst gift I received was a pack of chocolate cupcakes I received from someone while I was at the start of my recovery. The person knew about my eating disorder, of course, but didn’t see the harm in giving me cupcakes because she thought I was “in recovery” aka fatten the cow up.

    I appreciated her intention, but was aghast by her ignorance. But mostly, I was scared shitless that I was (gasp!) holding 600-cal per piece cupcakes in my hand. I ended up giving it to some kids, and their parents got kind of mad at me because they went on a sugar high.

  11. I once received a used bottle of perfume. This was bad on many levels – I am allergic to any and all fragrances and it was used. On top of that, the guy who gave it to me told me it was his moms! Um, thanks??

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