Suffocation

I want to trade lives with someone.

I want a parent. Can someone adopt me?

My dad went back to the hospital today. The right side of his face seemed sorta paralyzed, so we thought it was a stroke. Back to the ER. I hate how I know that place all too well.

Good news: no stroke, CT scan was same as the one two days earlier

Bad news: He has Bell’s Palsy. Its totally unrelated to the hemorrhage. He’s just super unlucky.

What did I do to deserve this? Was I TOO snarky?

I miss my mom, but I really miss my old, healthy dad.  I feel like I’m suffocating. I cant take any more deep breaths. I feel so alone.

I had a hilarious post ready to go too, and a cool recipe…..but another day…..Preferably one where I’m not suffocating.

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44 thoughts on “Suffocation

  1. I will adopt you, Eden. You did call me mom, so it seems appropriate. I am sending you a thousand hugs. I honestly do not know what else to say. I am not funny, so I won’t try to make you laugh. But I wish you would! And please breathe. It makes you feel better and keeps you alive.
    Prayers and happy thoughts are being sent your way.

  2. Oh Eden, I am so sorry for you. I know all too well that hospital love/hate relationship. You love that the doctors/nurses are there but yet you hate going. Are they giving him antiviral meds or steroids? I know one possible cause of Bell’s Palsy is a virus so I was curious if they were giving him anything. But the good news is that he will get better and it is not associated with strokes or anything bad. I am praying for you both and sending cyber hugs!

  3. Hi Eden,
    I know that you really dont know me but just know that I believe you are a strong and wonderful person, i know that just from reading your blog. Have faith, because you can get through this, and my prayers go out to you and your father. Remember to tak care of yourself too! Hang in there

    Lizzie

  4. I don’t know how you’re coping with this but I really hope that your dad gets on the mend. I could tell you that Bell’s palsy isn’t serious but I’m sure you already know that. Just hang in there a little longer. I’ll be praying for you and your dad!

    p.s. I’ll adopt you, if you don’t mind living in Idaho 😉

  5. Eden, if I could give you a big hug I would. Please know Sophia and I are always here if you just want to hang out with friends.

    Hospitals give me an icy neck. I hate them, even if they’ve saved or healed many people I love. You and your dad are in my thoughts.

  6. Eden! Call me, text me, whatever! I have an exam tomorrow at 11 am, but if you want, let’s hang out tomorrow. I have nothing to say right now, except that I will be here for you, whenever you need me, okay? You’re not alone. You are never alone.

    I’ve also just googled on Bell’s palsy, and it doesn’t seen to be a life-threatening thing, and here’s what Wiki says: “85% showed first signs of recovery within 3 weeks after onset. For the other 15%, recovery occurred 3–6 months later.”

    A small source of comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

    Love you, Eden. Seriously and honestly. And keep your snark. It’ll be your saving grace.

    (hugs and a thousand hugs)

  7. I am so sorry all of this is happening to your family right now. I’m not a religious person, but you and your dad are in my thoughts, and I really hope he has a speedy recovery. 😦 Hang in there, and I agree with the commenters above, keep the snark.

  8. Oh Eden, all I can say is that I am sending all positive thoughts and prayers your way. What I can tell you is that ‘too snarky’ is not your problem. You are such a genuine person – dry humour and all. Don’t ever lose that 🙂

    PS. I’d adopt you… but you’d have to come with me to university and sleep on my dorn room floor.

  9. my whole family will adopt you! Maybe we can move out there with you! This is definitely a hard time for you but God has his reasons and it will only make you stronger. You are already strong, you know it! You are brave, you are caring, you are loving! Don’t forget that. Prayers and more prayers for you! Please keep us updated. Much love,
    LC

  10. No, you don’t want to trade lives with anyone. You just want a less stressful version of your own–trust me. Even if they aren’t as compounded as yours right now, everyone has their crap. It’s just that a lot of people ignore it or refuse to deal with it in a positive way–talking about it, for example. Those that don’t have pain also probably don’t have the closeness and authenticity in their relationships enough to make the struggles so personal.

    You’re not suffocating. You’re not alone. You’re not a victim. You are going through a lot of crap and none of it’s your fault. Like everyone said–and I’ve said over and over, annoyingly, I’m sure–deep breath. Be thankful this wasn’t more serious and you can move forward! He might never be the same, but there’s nothing you can do but love him as he is. He might be the same–even better–and you’ll love him that way too.

    We all love you, you weirdo, so hang in there. Or…get your ass on a plane and come spend some time with me 😉 Then you really WILL want to trade lives with someone else.

    XOXO

  11. If I lived on the west coast I would totally adopt you!

    I’m so sorry about your dad going back to the hospital. Life is so challenging sometimes, and it doesn’t seem fair. But you didn’t do anything to deserve this!

    You can do this. You can be there for your dad and take care of yourself, I know it! And I know you know it too.

    Hang in there lovely girl!

  12. Oh sweetie – I so wish I could give you a hug or say something that would make things instantly better for you. At least Bells Palsy isn’t always permanent. Though I know it can come and go. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Please know you can always email me if you need someone to talk to.

  13. I was thinking of you a great deal yesterday, Eden, and apparently for a good reason–I just read your latest post while working out this a.m… I am so sorry that your dad is going through all of this, and I am sending you my thoughts…
    My mom is going through some pretty scary health issues right now, too, (CT scan as I write this), so I can understand your fears.
    Please know that you’re not alone–obviously, as evidenced by all of these caring comments people have left.
    Sending you healing vibes and deep, cleansing breaths…

  14. Eden,

    I’m a creeper on your website (sorry), but I wanted to know that you and your father are in my thoughts and prayers. I love your dry wit – so keep it about you 🙂 Remember, God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. Keep breathing 🙂

  15. If there was anything I could say or do to make this better for you, I would… just know that you and your dad are definitely in my thoughts, and I really hope things look up soon.

    ❤ ❤

  16. I am so sorry to hear about this, and there doesn’t seem to be anything that I can say that hasn’t already been said by one of the (much more eloquent) people who commented before me. I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking of you and your dad, and I will continue to send positive thoughts your way. You have more strength than you know, and you will get through this. xoxo

  17. You’re defenetly not along! Look at all the people here that are thinking and praying for you and your dad! You can’t see us, but you must feel all that love and support!

    Seriously don’t know what to say though. I know that everything happens for a reason and you are going to get through this! Tell your dad that Robert De Niro would hate to have to find another body double so he needs to get better soon! 🙂

    ❤ Tori

  18. Sending you all the love, friendship and support I can! You are handling this with such GRACE, courage, honor and amazing strength! My prayers are with you. You and your dad WILL get through this together. Definitely a hard time of year to be going through all of this! You did nothing to deserve this Eden! You are amazing, and your dad will get through this. Know that we are all thinking of you!!!
    Love, Barbara

  19. Ah, I understand a lot of what you’re going through…I’m sending good thoughts to you & your dad, and hoping he makes a speedy recovery. I’d offer to adopt you as my sister, but I wouldn’t wish a South Dakota winter on anyone…And we’ve actually gotten pretty lucky so far this year! 😉

  20. Oh, Eden. 😦 I hate having to hear this and I wish with all my heart that you didn’t have to go through this. Never give up hope that things will get better, no matter how dark things may look.

  21. I am so sorry that your dad is not well! If it’s any consolation, my uncle suffered from Bell’s Palsy but made a full and complete recovery.

    I’m here for you Eden. Just let me know how I can help and in the meantime I am thinking of you!

  22. You have done nothing wrong, believe me! And you definietly haven’t been to snarky! It took me several years to realize that, but life isn’t at all about guilt and punishment. It’s about the things that come along your way and how to handle them.

    I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through at the moment! You definitely don’t deserve it – both in the sense that something like that shouldn’t happen to anybody, and you’ve done nothing to make it happen. It just happens.

    A thing that helps me when I’m really desperate is to remind myself that everything around us is just an illusion. (This is pretty much eastern philosophy, but I was raised in that spirit since my mom is a meditation teacher.) The world is an illusion of our senses, and every kind of separation or loss is as well. In fact, we can’t lose anything – everything is always there, we maybe aren’t able to sense it. In the same way, our loved ones never really leave, but stay with us all the time. I just you’re feeling a little less alone now. You’re in my thoughts, and many others’ as well.

  23. I’m so sorry to hear this. No one deserves this, especially you. I can tell you are an amazing reader, and even though I don’t know you in person, can see that you’re a pretty fucking cool person. So move to Canada and I’ll adopt you. I’ve got a spare room with a yoga mat ready to go 😉

  24. Frighteningly I might be old enough to be your mother!

    I simply cannot believe the bad luck your poor dad (and you) are having. Bell’s palsy is very very frightening to see, but it can be totally temporary and reversible. TOTALLY!! Please try to remember that. This is a blip. Yet another one. You will make it over this hump as will your dad.

    Hugs to you!

  25. Girl I am so sorry to hear about your Dad going back to the ER!! I feel so bad I wish there was more I could do. But I am thinking of you and praying for you and your dad! I know you are a strong person and you will get through this– we are here for you!! And we aren’t parents but we adopt you!! 🙂

    xoxo
    The Twins

  26. ditto for what Abby said and all above me. you can do this. you are goning to feel like sh**. up, down, inside out and BUT more the right way round ( make any sense?!) the whole point is that you will stay there strong however long you need to. you are amaaaaaaaaaaazing, funny and able. can’t really say anything more really but if you want to come live in london as my adopted daughter, cool beans! big hug and breath. you should know that after all you are a bloody yoga instructor!!!!!!! (said in cockney accent)

  27. So sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you’re able to take some deep breaths, and know that you’re not alone! There are plenty of people who care about you and are sending you good wishes! I’ll be keeping you and your dad in my thoughts!

  28. (I’ve commented yesterday already, but somehow my comments seems to be eaten up atm …)

    You have done nothing wrong, believe me! And you definietly haven’t been to snarky! It took me several years to realize that, but life isn’t at all about guilt and punishment. It’s about the things that come along your way and how to handle them.

    I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through at the moment! You definitely don’t deserve it – both in the sense that something like that shouldn’t happen to anybody, and you’ve done nothing to make it happen. It just happens.

    A thing that helps me when I’m really desperate is to remind myself that everything around us is just an illusion. (This is pretty much eastern philosophy, but I was raised in that spirit since my mom is a meditation teacher.) The world is an illusion of our senses, and every kind of separation or loss is as well. In fact, we can’t lose anything – everything is always there, we maybe aren’t able to sense it. In the same way, our loved ones never really leave, but stay with us all the time. I just you’re feeling a little less alone now. You’re in my thoughts, and many others’ as well.

  29. my heart is breaking for you, lovely. i honestly cannot imagine how you’re feeling and i want you to know that although you are having such a struggle~ there are SO many people who are here for you and love you! ❤

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