I don’t know how to start this post in some brilliant creative manner, so I’ll just be blunt: adults say the darnest things.
You would think that since I work with kids, that I might hear some pretty funny things come out of their mouths. I do, but to be honest, adults have surprised me with their sheer stupidity and they have no excuse because they are way beyond puberty.
I thought I might share with the these examples I speak of:
Location: Yoga Studio where I assist a senior instructor
Darnest Thing Said to me: “Where is your twin?”
My Analysis: Twins actually are prominent in my family (my mom had a twin brother and her twin brother has identical twin sons), but sadly, I am not a twin. I think she simply saw me once and saw me again that day and thought I was two people. I would like this hypothetical twin to go to work for me and do my jury duty. Trouble is, I would need to upkeep my twin so she doesn’t give people the impression I’m a hobo.
My actual response: “I dont have a twin, you must have seen me here twice. I do work here…”
Location: Blind date (from Jdate) at a park
Darnest thing said to me: “I don’t like fat people, they just bring up thoughts of laziness, excess, and being out of control.”
My Analysis: Obviously, I wanted to punch this douche bag in the nuts. This was after I told him I had recently finished an outpatient program for my exercise addiction and eating issues. There was a slightly overweight man jogging in front of us when he proceeded to tell me this insight. And yes, the date ended shortly due to me needing to go feed my dog (my dog that died two before that blind date).
My response: “You know what shows lack of control? An emaciated woman running laps at the park! And I don’t care much for you!”
Location: A local cafe
Darnest Thing said to me: “Eww…this tastes funny. Want a bite?”
Analysis: funny? as in it tastes like George Carlin? or funny gross? Yes, I’d love to try something that tastes nasty or like a comedian. We all know how much I love food.
My response: “Bite me”
Location: A grocery store
Darnest thing said: “Where can we get kosher pork?”
Analysis: I may not keep kosher myself, but I know a thing or too about kosher rules. Some stranger asked me this when I was doing the grocery shopping after my class in culinary school and still had my uniform on. People assume just because you wear a chefs outfit, you know everything about food at the market! Anyhow, if your unfamiliar with kosher laws, pork and shellfish is pretty much a no no any which way. Chicken and beef can be kosher and not kosher (based on the way the animal is killed and how its butchered). But Jews spare all the piggies of the world.
My response: “I’m not really a chef, this is a halloween costume”
Has any person told you something funny or downright stupid lately?
I was listening to “Marketplace” on NPR (yep, I’m a certified nerd) and they were talking about how people are actually spending more money this halloween. I totally get why. Its not like christmas where you are kinda forced to buy everyone and their dog a present and you dont need to cook a big fancy feast (a la thanksgiving). So people feel they can shell out some dough and have fun. Anyhow, this got me thinking that probably a lot of us will see fun size or mini versions of candy. So I thought I’d formutlate a recipe using those odd ball candies you’ll mostly likely find laying around. For the cookies you will need:
-1/2 cup oats
-1/4 cup oat bran
-1/2 tsp baking powder
-2 tbs cocoa powder
-1 tbs flax meal
-1/4 cup water or almond milk (I actually used coconut milk, any liquid will do I think)
Mix it all up with your best tool.
roll into balls and stick a mini version of your favorite candy. I used a milky way.
bake at 350 degrees for about 15-20 minuets. Let it cool and enjoy the halloween leftovers!