I learned from yesterday’s post that many of you may have been offended by saying “Hello friends!” is corny. Well corny is pretty damn cool in my book. Its just that I’m not a cheery-esque blonde that would say something like that. So on me, it looks corny. But in the spirit of the corniness, all together now…..
And now on to the post.
I’d like update you on my habit changing I’ve been talking about these past few weeks. Its actually working out! I’m getting myself to bed earlier and waking earlier but still giving myself a good seven plus hours a night (it used to be five). Go me! I’m also not gorging on food as much at night thanks to having hefty lunches. In fact, I realized I think I like making lunch my biggest meal of the day! My lunches seem more like breakfasts though. I’ve been making pancakes out of oat bran and peanut flour which is a pretty nice noon pick-me-up!
It was very interesting reading the comments on “being full”. I hope some of you that enjoy being full realized some people loath it, and for those that hate fullness, I hope you took note that people strive for it. On that note, I’d like to mention something I was thinking about today. Its what I call the “off switch”.
The “off switch” I’m referring to is not just that signal in my belly that tells me “Hey, Eden, your full!”, its also the actual action of me putting down the fork, spoon, piece of whatever I’m having etc.
For the longest time, I think I didn’t have an “off switch” and I admit, even today, I think I have a hard time reaching for it.
I blame my first few years of high school when my eating disorder first began in the form of plain old eating lots of low calorie foods. I didn’t “starve” but a growing 14 year old should not be having 1200 or so calories. A few years eating lots of fruits and veggies ONLY I think plagued me with having trouble accessing that “off switch”.
It’s kind of like physics: for every deprivation, there is an equal and opposite binge.
And of course, to keep my “body” and my “sanity”, I’d rid the guilt of the binge by doing endless amounts of cardio! What a whack job I was!
People assume that just because I was very underweight, there was no way I could have “binged”. And to be fair, I know many people think that a bowl of cereal is a binge. Believe me, I binged, a “bowl” was a joke compared to my binge. Plus, haven’t you noticed a lot of the winners of eating contests around the nation are fairly thin and even underweight!? Chew on that.
So there was this cycle every single day for a long ass time….restrict for countless hours, workout, binge, sleep, repeat.
It wasn’t until AFTER treatment and learning to feed myself normal amounts of food throughout the day that I even realized I have this “off switch”. I’d make myself a meal, and when I was nearly done, I’d get seconds, thirds, put the plate away, and go back to the pantry or fridge for something else to gnaw on. And I was already very full before seconds!
Dealing with the “off switch” was rather depressing. I felt not only out of control, but also like a failure. I failed at truly “recovering” and I can’t even be “anorexic” cause I cant stop eating! But yet I’m still underweight? What was I to make of this.
Well, I had to do a few things.
One was to start giving my self permission. Permission 24/7 to eat. I still struggle with giving myself this, and not just with food, but with exercise, sleep, even buying clothes for myself. I sometime feel undeserving. But heres where yoga has helped my tremendously. I admit, I DO exercise for vanity reason, but I DO NOT practice yoga for that. I do feel it unifies my spirit and my body. As after-school special as that may sound, I have an appretitaiton for my body. I dont love it, and I think thats actually fine.I think its lovely people encourage us to “love our bodies” but lets cut the BS, I’m never gonna love my whole body. Something will always be “too” fill in the blank. I’m OK with it, its working, its keeping me energized, and I’m accepting that. Anyhow, back to my point, yoga really helped me find that “off switch”.
What about you? Do you have trouble accessing that “off switch” sometimes? does you stomach sometimes feel like an endless pit? Or maybe you dont have an “on switch” and you cant get yourself to sit down to a proper meal.
Anyhow, the recipe today is super cool. I was going to make a cauliflower puree when I over steamed it and my puree was too thin and almost soupy. But I thought it might work as a thickener for a dressing! So to this I added:
-2 tbs peanut flour (or use peanut butter, since I’m still peanut flour happy, its been all over my meals)
-2 tbs yellow mustard (not the fancy kind, but the fancy kind would work too)
-1 stevia packet (I won this in a giveaway and thought I would try it in this to give it sweetness)
-about 3 tbs water or enough to thin the whole thing up.
Blend with the pureed cauliflower and smother your salad.