My do I feel , as in, my head feels actually later since I lost about a pound of hair yesterday.
But I must say, its growing on me. I wasn’t fishing for comments on my last post, but I did feel better hear encouraging words about my new hair cut.
I’d like to talk about something that’s very dear to my heart, and probably yours; “feeling full”.
You may or may not know that SO many people have mixed feelings about being full from a meal. Its amazing how some people strive for fullness while others strive for the opposite.
For example, many girls in my treatment center loathed feeling full. Feeling full to them meant they were the other “f word” (fat) or that they ate “too much”. I suppose this is where I was different from the average anorexic, I always strived for fullness. Even today, I LOVE feeling full and if I’m not full from meals, I get disappointed.
I feel like most of my life struggling with my food issues really stemmed from that quest for “fullness”. I was too afraid what people would normally eat in a meal would not fill me up. So my solution? starve all day and eat all of my meals in one sitting.
Yes, I am well aware I was quite psycho.
I’ve mentioned this in previous posts, but I always wanted more bulk to my food in treatment, and it baffled me when other girls wanted the smallest serving by volume. Like 1/4 cup of raisins vs 1 cup of grapes. And I have nothing against dried fruit by the way. I love dried apricots, I just don fancy raisins. They also remind me of the principle of my high school which all the students called “raisin” since she sorta resembled one. Anyhow, I’m digressing.
April recently did a post about how to “bulk” up your meals so they will fill you up more. I know she doesn’t know this cause she never was around other eating disordered girls like I was, but I know those girls would not BELIEVE someone would actually WANT to feel full. They would also be shocked that so many people eagerly await these tips.
I did a lot of analysis about my “quest for fullness” in my recovery. I realized it was a lot about not wanted to feel “empty” and perhaps filling “emotional” voids (like not having a mother, for example). Even though I was always underweight in treatment, part of my goal was to have a meal, not be “full” and be ok about it.
I had to learn to cut back on high bulk foods and eat way smaller portions of denser foods.
It was hard, but after much practice, I actually learned that the denser foods can be filling as well, and that I dont need to be “full” after every meal or snack.
But I will admit, I’m still very much attached to fullness. Its comforting to me, I guess because I hat feeling hungry and deprived. It reminds me of the days Id go ten plus hours without eating a morsel. I still have a hard time falling asleep without something in my belly. I know people say not to eat too before bed, but I think that will never be me. I’ll always have something, big or small. And, its a total myth that eating late make you gain weight. Let me tell ya, for the majority of my “Auschwitz body” phase, I was eating tremendous amounts right before bed, and obviously that didn’t make a dent on my weight! Your body doesn’t have a clock in it! For anybody that tells me it’s not the right “time” for me to eat whatever I’m eating, I just say, “well, it’s that time somewhere in the world!”. Seriously!? What if I were on a plane!?
So how about you, is feeling full scary, or do you seek it like me. Remember fullness doesnt equal the f word. Drinking a gallon of water can make you feel full, so will you are you fat after? fuck no!
And speaking of filling, thanks to the encouragement of Julie, I decided to give Trader Joe’s Oatbran a shot. I bought some and made some pretty darn fabulous pancakes!
Heres whats in the mix (for one serving):
-3 tbs oatbran
-e eggs or 1 cup egg sub
-1/4 tsp baking powder
-1 tbs of flaxmeal (to get a dose of omegas!)
-dash of cream of tarter
mix real well with a hand mixer or blender and cook on a well greased pan. It makes about three medium pancakes or two large ones.