Since I’m a bit flabbier these days, I don’t get asked for diet secrets too often.
But at my eating disorder heyday, I remember being asked by random strangers for diet tips or how I stay so-thin-its-borderline-holocaust-victim. It was crazy and of course, I never dispensed my “tips”.
So feel special, ladies and gentleman (cause I think I get one male reader on average per post): today, I will dispense the secrets of the eating disordered:
Tip #1: Trim the fat, and by “fat”, I mean fat (duh) and friends
On your quest to skinny, friends are like that evil witch from Hansel and Gretel (believe me, I’ve had friends that actually cackle).
They’re evil and cunning. All they want to do is feed you so they can be skinner than you (that whole eating you part from “Hansel and Gretel” doesn’t really apply though). Plus, friends get in the way of the essential activities like moving a lot, training for a marathon, moving some more, and vomiting. Friends? Who needs em?
Tip #2: Cook for others, NEVER for you!
This is a great way to have a relationship with food without actually eating it! Blog and write about food too if you can! That also lets you “experience” food without having to basically tape that bagel to your ass!
Tips #3: Avoid “white” food
Haven’t you guys heard? Sugar is the new Hitler! Avoid sugar, milk, cheese, chalk, white-out, and semen.
no eating glue! but I heard sniffing it boosts your metabolism or something....
Tip #4: CAFFEINE!!!!
You probably alread know it’s important to drink often so you’ll get too full to eat. But it’s hey to make sure what you drink is high in caffeine! Since you’re not opting to get fuel from food, you’re gonna need energy to exercise! Caffeine is your answer!
Get used to this
Load up on coffee (hold the milk and sugar, who do you think you are, Mario Batali?), down diet cokes, and green tea! I promise, you won’t be too wired because you will have low energy to begin with since you swore off that white stuff.
Tip #5: If you MUST eat, eat a shitton of fiber (pun intended!)
Chose cereal and breads with the most fiber in them! Yea, they might taste like wood but it will help you shit!
It’s like a slightly-ghetto version of a colonic! But remember, these still might be carby, so only treat yourself to fiber
wood-rich when you feel “indulgent”. Sometimes, I get really “sinful” and I let myself go and have a bowl of all bran and water (remember, milk is white! no white!).
Tip #6: Find a “cause” (and by cause, an excuse)
After a while, you will get thinner and people will not only be jealous, they will try to “help” you and suggest you go into rehab or whatever. This is the time where you “adopt-a-cause”.
Look, its like "fart leaves" are covering her boobies! (fyi, cabbage leaves are fart leaves)
Say you’re “vegan” or “vegetarian” or “allergic to wheat/sugar/fat/taste”. These are fabulous excuses! Or better yet, say you have a disease so people feel sorry for you:
Hey Eden, you’re tailbone is protruding. Erm….maybe its time you like, consider eating, or something?
I am SUCH a pig! Of course I eat!!!! I just have this awful disease where its like a have a tapeworm but I dont and it also makes me allergic to carbs….oh and I love animals so I’m going vegan by the way……
Tip #7: If all else fails, lose a limb
Do you really need that left arm? Chop, chop my friend. 10 pounds gone. Skinnyville, here you come!
In all seriousness, I cringe at the fact that some people think these tips are real. And the sad thing, most people will get these ideas from health magazines or mainstream media. The intentions will actually start to be good; taking advice from a “health” magazine. But they spiral into this horrible mental prison in your head that is hard to break free from. I hope this post didn’t trigger or offend anybody. Except maybe you people still stuck in your disorders. Its nothing personal, I just hate your fucked up disorder.
So do you have any messed up tips you’ve learned? Would you like to unlearn them? Maybe you have unlearned them, how did you do it?