Cancer Can Suck It….So Please, Vote!!!!

If you look at the widgets to your right, you will see a new “Cancer Can Suck It”  section with a link to my dear friend’s donation page.

I don’t need to write a post about why I hate cancer.

It took my mom.

It’s taking my dad.

And I’m no gonna let it take my dear friend, Susan. (you can read about Susan’s situation here).

When a loved one is sick, we all want to help out and make it go away. And the truth is, unless you’re an oncologist, there isn’t always a lot you can do. BUTT (yes, two “t’s” cause I’m feeling extra mature today!), there is something you can do!

I entered a brilliant (yes, brilliant!) recipe for a contest and I got to be a finalist.

Yawn…..no surprise….

But to win the $1000 prize money, I need people to vote for my recipe! And here’s the bummer part. I think this other contestant is cheating and has been living at their computer, re-clicking. And I really want to win because I will donate 100 percent of the money to Susan’s cancer fund.

And you know me, I don’t like whoring myself out, but this is for a cause very dear to my heart. So please vote for my recipe (the Indonesian Pork Baguette), the http://www.dinnertool.com/page/summer-recipe-finalists and don’t forget, you can re-vote by simply closing and reopening the browser to that site. Whenever you have a spare moment, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE vote!!!

Whore this out! Tweet it, facebook it, mention this contest on your blog. I dont care what you do, just don’t got out doing sexual favors in the streets because I will NOT fund your STD treatment.

Ok, thats all I have to say today. I’m off to spend some time with my LouLou (aka Dad).

For the sake of having a question at the end of a post (since I fear I won’t get a single comment if I dont have one), what else can “suck it”? Oh, and because I’m on a whoring streak, I’ll remind you again to PLEASE VOTE!

Constipated Saturday and Online Dating Messages

Sorry guys.

Sometimes, I’m so creatively constipated that all the prunes, fiber, and laxatives can’t  induce anything remotely blog-worthy (or even twitter worthy..but I had some enlightening thoughts today on butter that my three followers know about).

Fear not, readers! This is why I have an online dating account! For me to post up the best messages I got sent this week, for me to answer them, and for the rest of you to hopefully not die of boredom. So let me provide you with a “boregasm” by answering this week’s letters:

Hi , nice to meet ya ;)
im jewish too !
I messaged you because firstly you are cute !
secondly you are close to my location
thirdly from what I read from your profile you seem like a nice girl

p.s I am tall, which is a good thing right ? lol

so how have you been ?

-CreepyJewishGuy

Dear CreepyJewishGuy,

Boy, you sure love counting. So let me answer you in a format you might feel more comfortable with:

Firstly, cute??? CUTE?! Your little sister is “cute”, koalas are “cute”, ewoks are “cute”, I even think minibars are “cute”…..but I am none of those (especially a minibar…I cant regurgitate overpriced cashews). So don’t call me “cute”.

Secondly, close to your location? Clearly you live on mars and I live on venus pluto.

Thirdly, me? Nice? That’s hilarious, I think I peed and pooped a little.

Fourthly, being “Jewish” totally negates the benefits of you being tall.

-Eden

PS: fun fact: every time a guy says, “lol” his vagina get’s a wee bit tighter

 

Good morning, how are you? my name is Moe and im just looking for a friendly conversation.

- Moe

Dear Moe,

Good Morning indeed! But if you really want friendly conversation I suggest you catch me at later hours since “good” and “morning” never equate to anything “friendly”. Friendly conversation never happens before 12 pm. I also close up shop at 5pm. Come to think of it, I’m not open for friendly conversation very often….I’m like a bank that’s always unavailable when you need it. I also steal you money, much like a bank. Did I mention I’m a Jew? Hence I probably should start lending money too. Anyhow, I gotta go make a deposit in the toilet.

-Eden

P.S. Discount everything I just wrote to you if your last name happens to be “Joe”. Because I think it would be pretty awesome if I started dating a “Moe Joe”.

 

Hey your profile made me chuckle. About three times. Which is pretty awesome. You seem cool and it’d be fun to get to know you…. do you have a cooking style? Do you humor amateur cooks when we talk of food?

- Mr.Chuckles

Dear Mr.Chuckles,

Reading your message, I farted three time (chilli night!). And that’s NOT so awesome. Cooking style? I dunno, I usually just wear my yoga pants because it makes me feel “athletic”. And I don’t humor amateur cooks. I just point and laugh.

-Eden

Tying in to the “constipated” theme from before, I feel like the comments on Saturdays are kind of “constipated”. So all three of you probably reading this, don’t be shy….give me your message to one of my suitors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flashback Friday: Slang Nostalgia

I was born in the 80′s but I spent most of the 80′s in a diaper and strapped in to a baby bjorn.

So what I really remember is the 90′s. And boy that decade have some weird slang and catch phrases! I’m not even sure urban dictionary could keep up. This was before the time of “Douche Bag” and “winning!”. In celebration of “Flashback Friday”, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite slang and catch phrases from my childhood:

  • “Psyche!” (As in, “Not!!!!”)

This is the classic “fake out”. confused about how it works? Here’s a little blueprint.

1) Make a statement.
2) Retract said statement by shouting “psyche!”, thus humiliating the baited individual.

Sure, this seems rather harmless, borderline lame, and totally unfunny. But trust me, it caused some serious damage on the playground:

Example: “Hey Eden! I love your Osh-Kosh Overalls!…….Physche! What are you, a  farmer?”

 

Eden’s Reaction: Indeed. You can find me at Pepperidge Farm with Milanos and Veronas…poopy head!

The closest I will ever get to a farm

NOTE: this also enjoyed a slight resurgence of popularity following Sacha Baron Cohen’s interpretation in the movie Borat. Classic film, by the way.

  • “Then why don’t you marry it?”

This catch phrase had widespread use in grade schools everywhere. It’s a good question, really. Why don’t you? I mean, if you’re so attached to something, it seems pending nuptials should be in order. It’s the next logical step in your commitment and Elvis can marry you in Vagas in a snap! Still confused about how this catch phrase works? No worries, I have an example for you:

Example: “Hey Eden! You always playing with that Bradley Cooper doll, if you like it so much, why dont you just marry it!”

 

Eden’s response: “We are registered at IKEA”

 

now who's my bitch?

 

  • “WASSSSSSSUP!”

Made famous from a Budwieser Super Bowl Ad, it basically translates to: “what is up”. But this is never meant to be taken too literally with smart asses replying, “clouds”, “the sky”, or “the ceiling”. If you ask me, the best and only time to deliver this catch phrase is if delivered into a phone at an obnoxious decibel level probably caused from drinking too much ball water Budweiser. No need for an example on this one, just pick up the phone and yell it.

see, cool people DO wear overalls!

 

  • “All that and a bag of chips!”

Carbophobe readers out there: close your browser. The following will contain words that describe a delicious carb. You’ll probably fear just reading about will end up on your thighs. For the rest of you, it usually means that whatever is being discussed is “all that” and more. But the whole confusing thing about this is that the person saying this phrase  doesn’t usually believe the person is “all that and a bag of chips.”

Oh, and the word “chips” (not french fries for my brits out there) can be replaced by almost any other word. Such as “all that and a bag of cookies/skittles/beans/groceries/lube/poop/cotton balls etc.”

Example: “Look, at Eden! She thinks she SOOO funny with her poop/queef/pony jokes and her blog is SOOO unpopular. She ain’t all that and a bag of chips!”

Eden’s Response: “I may not be all that and a bag of chips (too carby) but I’m for sure all that and bag of bacon. Poopy head!”

 

Oh, that is my bag!

 

 

There you have it. I barely scratched the surface of slang and catch phrases from my childhood. So let’s some from you childhood? And for the hell of it, what are you “all that and a bag of……(fill in the blank)”.

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Blueberry Gnocchi with Balsamic Reduction and A Bummer Summer

I don’t do well with seasons.

(cue random food porn from today’s recipe)

 Living in Southern California most of my life, I’m used to 72 and breezy. A little below that and I bust out ear-muffs.  A little warmer and I feel like clearing out the fridge and setting up camp in there.

But this week it was especially hot. It was the 4th of July, un-potty-trained kids were loose, and I was reminded that summer can be a bit of an ass hole.

So lets break it down:

Too Hot for “Sexy Time” : For all the babies born 9 months from now: your parents DEFINITELY had air conditioning.  Sexy time (aka sex) in the summer can get sticky. So if you’ve woken up glued to someone else’s body and had the” balls” (pun intednded) to call them after, there’s probably something there.

Tweeting, Facebooking, Blogging about the weather: Ok, its a little hypocritical cause I just did it, but I hate when a season of extreme (winter, summer) hits and people feel the need to proclaim it.

“It SOOOOOO hot, you guys! You can literally fry an egg on the sidewalk. LOLZ!”

(again with the abuse of the word literally and no one should every “LOLZ” without sarcasm)

“Its SOOOOO cold, I can’t feel my penis!”

Um…I don’t really care. Stop littering my twitter/facebook feed about the weather. Are you seriously trying to compete with Al Roker?

 

School’s Out: Not only are kiddies fair game to be out and about any day of the week, all the teachers are off too, as are some companies, and the usual people that never had jobs but have money. This equates to lots of crowds. Someone once asked me,

“Hey!? You know what would be a cool idea! If we went to Disneyland in July!”

Yea, as much as I can appreciate a churro shaped like Micky Ears (and believe me, I can appreciate it!), guess you thought of the same idea? Everybody. With crowds and little children come bitchy parents and short tempers. Even churros shaped like Mikey can’t soothe that.

“Parties”: In the summer, people feel the need to throw what I like to call “cool parties”. They usually occur on rooftops or by a swimming pool. But these parties are anything but “cool” to me.  First of all you have to know someone who is in­volved with the party (yea a facebook invite doesn’t mean much these days). Secondly, getting drunk and puking off the roof or into the pool is frowned upon even if you do it intentionally. Third, its basically for guys to check out hot girls and for girls to size up other hot girls.

Scantily Clad Skinny Bitches: I know, usually people are like,

“Ew… I hate summer cause I dont want to see all the fat people in bikinis!”

Fuck you, if you say that. Seriously, all the more power to you for wearing a bikini despite all those fat haters (ie, wannabe anorexics).

Its the scantily clad skinny bitches that piss me off. I don’t need to be reminded that the last time you had fat was from your mom’s breast milk! I know its hot, and I’m not telling you skinny bitches to cover up (which you might do anyway since your always so damn cold). Just don’t dress like a hoochie and consider cookies!

What’s a “bummer” about your summer? If you saw that movie, “Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer”, I think you might be to young to be reading all the profanity on my blog. Close the window immediately and play with you my little pony collection. Cause yes, their butt does indeed smell like cake!

And since its summer is blueberry season, heres a recipe to make it a little less “bummer”:

  • 2 large eggs, whisked together in a small bowl
  • 2 cups plus a litte extra all purpose flour, plus a little more for dusting
  • 16oz of whole milk or part skim ricotta
  • 1 cup of frozen or fresh blueberries
  • 1 3/4 tsp salt
  • pinch ground nutmeg
Instructions

In a large bowl, mix together the flour, salt, and nutmeg. Mix in the ricotta. When the ricotta and flour are combined, add the egg. Mix until just combined, being careful not to over-mix. Take out of the bowl, knead once or twice until the ball of dough just holds together. Cut into 4 pieces.Roll each piece into a 3/4″ wide rope. Cut the ropes into 1″ long pieces. If the rope is sticking, sprinkle a little flour. Press each piece gently with the tines of a fork and boil in salted water.

When the gnocchi float, cook another minute and taste to make sure they are cooked through. Remove with a slotted spoon to the saute pan with the blueberry sauce.

For the blueberry balsamic sauce:

  • 1/2 cup chicken stock
  • 1 heaping cup ripe blueberries (can be frozen)
  • 1 tablespoon aged balsamic vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon dried thyme, crumbled
  • 2 tbs orange juice
  • 1 tablespoon cold butter
  • Pinch kosher salt

Overmedium-high heat, pour in the chicken stock with the blueberries, orange juice, balsamic vinegar and thyme and stir.

When the berries begin to bubble, turn the heat to medium-low and stir for 1 minute.
Stir in the cold butter until it is incorporated and the sauce has thickened slightly.
Remove from the heat and pour over gnocchi.

The Other Disordered Things

The weird thing about eating disorders (besides the bizarro aversion to eating) is that they can manifest into weird little habits that don’t have a lot to do with actually ingesting (or lack of ingesting) food.

Most “normal” people have prepare a meal on a plate.

They sit down.

 Use a knife and fork to cut bite size (about 1 inchX 1inch) pieces, chew a few times, and swallow.

Then they go nap or back to work or go have crazy animal sex….I guess it depends on the meal…

Anyhow, some people do weird-ass things with their food. If you are offended because you do such things, dont fret. I used to do them too. Let’s examine some of these bizarro things:

Cut, cut, cut: when I first went into treatment, I was a little shocked that after the clients received their plates of food, they spent a good half part of the meal time just cutting their food into teeny tiny pieces.

its a fucking pretzel, just bite it already!

I dont get what they were trying to do. Make the meal last longer? Hope that they are cutting away some calories? Maybe hoping to burn calories by moving their knife to and fro? Anyhow, this cutting was noticed by staff and thank goodness, one day a therapist announced at the table: “OK, I’ll give you 30 seconds to cut what you need and then I’m taking away your knives!”. Bless that therapist. Because anymore of that sound of knives screeching on plates and my ears would begin to bleed.

Taste Explosion: I think when you restrict your calories drastically, your taste buds get funky. I noticed a lot of eating disordered people dousing gag-worthy amounts of spices and flavor enhancers on their food.

I'll have salt with a side of food please!

Of course, most of these flavor enhancers would have to be calorie free. DUH! But these would use about half a bottle of Mrs. Dash on their steamed veggies, a salt shaker’s worth of salt on their spinach, or a pound of cinnamon on their oatmeal. I think the lack of food makes them crave the crazy, intense sensations of calorie free spices and such. Anyhow, this is why I never trust an eating disordered chef. Or at least hide the spices from them.

Snail Pace Eating: Sure, “fast” eating is a precursor to a tummy ache, but if it takes you an hour to eat an apple, you have a problem (unless you are a worm, but I don’t think worms read blogs). In treatment, all our meals and snacks were timed. This was torture for those people who ate food at a somewhat normal pace because this forced them to sit at a table full of girls who are still picking off the sesame seeds of their barely-eaten-burger bun. I’m assuming the reasoning behind this is to “make the meal last”..but seriously, it’s all going in the same place! Eating is fun, but I mean, how long does it have to take?!

"take your time...I'll come back when you finish next year"

I’m not saying any of this is bad and its nothing to be ashamed of. It might just be how you eat. Its only bad if all these things get in the way of other “life” things. Like if your late for work because you’ve spent an hour chopping your breakfast. And I’ll admit, at my worst I too cut my peaches into teeny tiny pieces without rhyme or reason. And after seeing all these other behaviors in treatment, I’ve let my own behaviors go and I realized how meaningless they were too me.

Because in the end, a pretzel will be a pretzel no matter how you slice it.

Have you noticed strange eating habits you or others do? If you are a recovered “werid” eater like myself, what helped you change? And just cause I’m curious, what do you do after a meal. Go to work, go to school, go anywhere, crazy animal sex???

 

Good Giveaway Grief

Most folks in the blogosphere are familiar with blog contests and giveaways.  No matter what you blog about, a company or brand will eventually approach you to conduct a review and/or giveaway.

(SIDE NOTE: I’m still waiting to “review” the Dyson ball vacuum cleaner. Mainly because I would like a $600 genius vacuum for free).

I'm a nerd, and I want it!

I’ll admit it: when I first started blogging, I was excited to get “free” products for reviews and giveaways.  But after a while, I realized how lame it sort of is to “review” a commonly known cereal or something I could buy from CSN like a lamp:

Hey Blog friends! Today I have a lamp review! This lamp is so cool: you just flip a switch and its like the light bulb has a brilliant idea and it brightens up! Best of all, I can throw all my candles away because this lamp offers WAY more light! Off to do some chores since I won’t look like an effed up mime now that I’m living not living in the dark anymore!

And you never see god-awful reviews, do you?

Ok, guys….so I got this peanut butter tuna flavored protein bar to review. I want to say I like it cause it has a lot of protein, no carbs, and I got it fo free….but seriously, I think a foot just farted in my mouth!

You feel me?

And as far as giveaways go, as much of a Jew that I am, loving free loot, I feel like having a giveaway seems to benefit the brand or company more than me.

Allow me to explain:

- Giveaways Make Me Change My Standard Posts.

Not only do I have to provide detailed information about the product or service, but in many cases, the sponsor will demand specific information and links be included in the post as well. This means I can’t just write whatever I want, and it certainly means I need to pipe down on the cursing. No Beuno.

- Giveaways Make You Jump Through Hoops

On giveaway posts, there usually is some sort of obstacle course that the readers will have to endure if they want to win.

Come on guys!!!! I only want you to tweet, facebook, comment, and link back to me eight times!

They usually must respond to questions and promote the shit out of it on twitter, facebook, google plus (um, is anybody else overwhelmed by ANOTHER social media forum!). Who needs a workout? Just enter a giveaway!

- Giveaways Don’t Do Much For My Blog

Most people think that giveaways will increase their blog’s traffic and visibility.  True, that can happen temporarily, but hosting a giveaway does not guarantee long-term, sustainable traffic.

- Sponser Sometimes Suck and Dont Hold Up Their End of The Deal.

I’ve had this happen (sorry Julie!).  It doesn’t happen often, but it sucks when it does.  Not only did I spend a couple of weeks going back and forth trying to contact the sponsor to find out what happened, but the time I spent dealing with this issue took me away from more productive things like plucking my armpit hair!

- Giveaways Give Sponsers  “free advertising” for Minimal to No Costs.

There is sure to spark some debate.  Some bloggers won’t do reviews/giveaways without charging sponsors a fee.  Other bloggers feel that to charge a sponsor for a review/giveaway is unethical because it means that the blogger is being compensated to promote or positively review a product.  Everyone will have to make their own judgment call on this, but my feeling is that bloggers SHOULD be paid for their efforts by sponsers. They should also let the readers know they are being paid to write that a protein bar “taste so yummy!” when it really tastes like a foot farted in their mouth. 

 But again, make your own decisions about this…

Of course, since I’m a frugal yet benevolent Jew, I might do giveaways from time to time, depending on the product and my relationship with the company.  I’ve decided that the giveaways I host in the future will be very few because I think that I can get a better rate of return by just writing my usual shit…or by replying to online dating messages.

So here we are. This the part where you might expect to get the careful instructions about how to enter my giveaway. Sorry to disappoint, but no giveaway today (I know, you hate me). You can still like this post on facebook, mention this on twitter, and link to it on your blog ;)

But I’m curious to hear your thoughts about blog giveaways/reviews…  Do you enjoy them?  Or are they more trouble then they’re worth? Any protein bars you have tasted lately that taste like a foot farted in your mouth?

Balsamic Blueberry Blondies and American Pride

For those that browse my site for food porn, lets get it over with:

 

As promised from yesterday’s shit talk about American things, I’m trying to reverse my karma and offering thing that make me proud to be living in the US.

Bacon in Everything: I love America’s embrace of all things bacon. I know, some people are so sick of “bacon chocolate”, “bacon soap”, “bacon-flavored-condoms”…but I personally have no problem with the bacon obsession. What happens when we have to eat a “meh” food? We toss some bacon on it! Honestly, bacon made me love salad. Cause really, who craves salad? But mention bacon IN a salad and I’m there. And I think its kind of amazing that if you feed a pig vegetable, it makes bacon.

The Snuggie: Can you believe how hot these things became? But you know, one thing I really love about infomercials is that they remind me about problems I never knew I had! I saw the Snuggie commercial and realized just how incredibly difficult it was for many people to get their hands out from under a blanket! (“…when you need to reach for something your hands are trapped inside.”).

Fuck you, France! With your silly berets! They have no use! Dude, we invented the blanket with sleeves that you can even wear to sporting events. I’m sorry, but I see someone in a baret or a kilt and I just can’t take you seriously.

The Spork: Americans have this thing where they like to take an existing product and try to make it better. The spork is one I’m proud of. Its like the spoon and fork had crazy utensil sex and the spork was their love child (the knife is that lonely chic with the 10,000 cats).

what do they use for protection?

I really admire the spork! I can eat pasta, mashed potatoes, chili, and ice cream at the same time!!!! You can’t get any more American than that!

Dave Thomas: I wanted to pick just one person for this list. It’s not like it was that difficult because after some research, I realized most of my favorite people I thought were American are Canadian. Anyhow, I narrowed it down to the founder of one of America’s fast food chains, Wendy’s.

I know what you’re thinking:

“Eden?! WTF?! Why is the founder of some mediocre fast food chain your top American person?!”

My friends, he truly encompasses all that is American. Aside from inventing frosties and baconaters (and you know my thoughts on bacons), he actually put KFC on the map! Thanks to my Wikipedia research, I learned that it was Dave who let the Colonel on a little secret to help boost his business, suggesting less choices on the menu.  Cause real American’s don’t like too many choices. Thinking and eating are mutually exclusive. He also dropped out of high school, attended the army, and had two first names. I kind of want to go to go to Spain and wake them up from their “seista” and yell, “Hey, at least WE’VE got Frosties!!!”.

Mostly, I’m just bitter I dont get to take a nap after lunch.

For today’s recipe, I took something American (blueberries) and married it with something un-American (balsamic vinegar) and it made a crazy good love child.

Maybe even better than the spork!

To make them you will need:

  • 1/3 cup unsalted butter, cut in pieces
  • 8 ounces white chocolate, chopped
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/2 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • Pinch of salt

Balsamic Blueberry Topping:

  • 1 cup blueberries
  • 2 tbs sugar (for blueberry topping)
  • 1 tbs orange juice (or lemon juice)
  • 3 tbs of good balsamic vinegar
  1. Preheat oven to 350° F.
  2. Prepare the blueberry balsamic topping: in a small saucepan, bring the blueberry balsamic syrup ingredients to a boil.  Stir for one to two minutes and remove from heat.  Set aside.
  3. Butter and line a 9-inch baking pan with butter/spray and parchment.
  4. Place butter in a medium or large heat-proof bowl and put the bowl over a pot of simmering water, melt butter halfway.   Add half of the white chocolate and stir until chocolate has melted. Remove from heat and add in the remaining half of the white chocolate and stir until it’s all melted and smooth.
  5. With an electric mixer on high speed beat sugar and eggs until thick (this will take 2-3 min)  Reduce mixer speed to medium and add vanilla and chocolate/butter mixture, and beat just to combine.
  6. In a separate bowl, sift the dry ingredients.  Add to egg mixture and beat until smooth.
  7. Pour batter into prepared pan and pour the balsamic coated blueberries on top.
  8. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until a cake tester inserted into centre comes out clean.  Place on wire rack to cool completely.
  9. Remove from pan and cut into squares.
  10. go play with some fireworks, just not at 3am.