Oatbran Pancakes, the “F word”, and “Full” Factor

not that attractive and I made them thinner and crepe like, but very filling in that good way

My do I feel  , as in, my head feels actually later since I lost about a pound of hair yesterday.

But I must say, its growing on me. I wasn’t fishing for comments on my last post, but I did feel better hear encouraging words about my new hair cut.

I’d like to talk about something that’s very dear to my heart, and probably yours; “feeling full”.

You may or may not know that SO many people have mixed feelings about being full from a meal. Its amazing how some people strive for fullness while others strive for the opposite.

For example, many girls in my treatment center loathed feeling full. Feeling full to them meant they were the other “f word” (fat) or that they ate “too much”. I suppose this is where I was different from the average anorexic, I always strived for fullness. Even today, I LOVE feeling full and if I’m not full from meals, I get disappointed.

I feel like most of my life struggling with my food issues really stemmed from that quest for “fullness”. I was too afraid what people would normally eat in a meal would not fill me up. So my solution? starve all day and eat all of my meals in one sitting.

Yes, I am well aware I was quite psycho.

I’ve mentioned this in previous posts, but I always wanted more bulk to my food in treatment, and it baffled me when other girls wanted the smallest serving by volume. Like 1/4 cup of raisins vs 1 cup of grapes. And I have nothing against dried fruit by the way. I love dried apricots, I just don fancy raisins. They also remind me of the principle of my high school which all the students called “raisin” since she sorta resembled one. Anyhow, I’m digressing.

April recently did a post about how to “bulk” up your meals so they will fill you up more. I know she doesn’t know this cause she never was around other eating disordered girls like I was, but I know those girls would not BELIEVE someone would actually WANT to feel full. They would also be shocked that so many people eagerly await these tips.

I did a lot of analysis about my “quest for fullness” in my recovery. I realized it was a lot about not wanted to feel “empty” and perhaps filling “emotional” voids (like not having a mother, for example). Even though I was always underweight in treatment, part of my goal was to have a meal, not be “full” and be ok about it.

I had to learn to cut back on high bulk foods and eat way smaller portions of denser foods.

It was hard, but after much practice, I actually learned that the denser foods can be filling as well, and that I dont need to be “full” after every meal or snack.

But I will admit, I’m still very much attached to fullness. Its comforting to me, I guess because I hat feeling hungry and deprived. It reminds me of the days Id go ten plus hours without eating a morsel. I still have a hard time falling asleep without something in my belly. I know people say not to eat too before bed, but I think that will never be me. I’ll always have something, big or small. And, its a total myth that eating late make you gain weight. Let me tell ya, for the majority of my “Auschwitz body” phase, I was eating tremendous amounts right before bed, and obviously that didn’t make a dent on my weight! Your body doesn’t have a clock in it! For anybody that tells me it’s not the right “time” for me to eat whatever I’m eating, I just say, “well, it’s that time somewhere in the world!”. Seriously!? What if I were on a plane!?

So how about you, is feeling full scary, or do you seek it like me. Remember fullness doesnt equal the f word. Drinking a gallon of water can make you feel full, so will you are you fat after? fuck no!

And speaking of filling, thanks to the encouragement of Julie, I decided to give Trader Joe’s Oatbran a shot. I bought some and made some pretty darn fabulous pancakes!

Heres whats in the mix (for one serving):

-3 tbs oatbran

-e eggs or 1 cup egg sub

-1/4 tsp baking powder

-1 tbs of flaxmeal (to get a dose of omegas!)

-vanilla extract

-dash of cream of tarter

mix real well with a hand mixer or blender and cook on a well greased pan. It makes about three medium pancakes or two large ones.

21 thoughts on “Oatbran Pancakes, the “F word”, and “Full” Factor

  1. I totally get this post. I like feeling full when I have had a healthy, satiating meal. But what I hate it not feeling full after a “unhealthy” meal. I feel you though, I do.
    Those pancakes look great- I can’t wait to try them! Thanks for the recipe.

    By the way, your hair looks great!

  2. Hi – first – wonderful haircut. You are beautiful. long or short hair:)
    I wanted to touch on your topic. You and I could talk for hours about this. I read the original post you refered to – and I admit – being a recovering anorexic as well – I knew these ‘tricks’. I had done them all – with the exception of one. Today – recovering – I do find the tips useful in so far as reminding myself that I can balance health with volume and not starving. I don’t know if this makes sense. But I do really like the feeling of full. I have a friend in recovery too – and she has the same quest for fullness that we speak of. We both talk about what that quest is really about? Love? Safety? etc. No easy answer because food is just food – but so much more, right? keep up the good work – and I can relate so much to what you say. xoxoxo

  3. Ahh, it’s amazing how alike we are. Seriously, like the profanity and ALL. lol I struggle with obsessively counting calories and weighing my food all.the.time. I, like you did, eat skimpy low calorie meals through the day so I can pig out at night. I’ll hit one thing after another (pb sandwich, then go back for a bowl of cereal, then go back for ice cream, etc) until I’ve hit my calorie ‘limit.’ I am just barely NOT underweight for my height. I used to see a nutritionist and she had me count exchanges. It helped me eat more during the day for a long time, but I got so incredibly sick of figuring out all those numbers, that I stopped and just started counting cals again. If a food was too hard to determine the exchange, I wouldn’t eat it. So I still had ‘restrictions’ all the way around. What’s good is that I went from xx cals a day (lowest a women can go healthily) to 400 more and figured out I still won’t gain weight. I would love to try intuitive eating (I even have the book), but I can’t tell when I’m full and I can’t stop myself from calculating the frickin calories. Do you have any advice for me? I turned 30 back in March. I REALLY wanted all this BS behind me before that happened. :( Anyway, I’m so tired of being way and I feel trapped. It sucks. (Sorry for the novel!)

    • Just wanted to add that I’m all about volume too, like you were. With everything except peanut butter really. I always make sure to leave enough cals for at least 1 serving a night. ANYWAY,

      Oh and your hair looks cute by the way. Mine was long and I cut it up to my shoulders and HATED it, its grown out now though. I’m never happy with it any kind of way tho. When its long, I want it short, when its short I regret cutting it, its a never ending cycle really!

  4. For many years I wanted to feel this fullness you described. It was a torture, for my body and my soul I suppose. The only way I found to stop this is to eat a lot of small meals and be active all the time. Am I cured? No. I can get in to this situation again, I m sure about that. But I try everyday to be strong and find other things to make me feel full.

    Your hair look amazing!

  5. I always say we have to do the complete opposite of what we hear about everywhere. To someone with and ED, all those “bulk” tips are also great excuses not to consume a lot of calories. We need to eat more calories than most people, so we have to weight the density and calories (more) with how full they make us feel. A huge plate of broccoli will fill me up more than a huge plate of pasta, so I have to find that balance ;)

    I don’t like feeling super full, as I always look forward to eating. If I’m full, I don’t feel like eating. If I’m hungry, I feel like it’s “permission” to chow down. However, I don’t like being hungry when I can’t eat. More of that balance thing…

    P.S. You could shave your head and still look beautiful, my dear.

  6. First off, I love your hair. I think it looks really full and cute short!

    Secondly, feeling full is always tricky. I hate not feeling full because then I am consumed with thoughts of what to eat next, but I hate feeling full because then I am consumed with thoughts of why on earth did I eat that extra ___? I firmly believe that only men don’t think these thoughts. It is something inherent in a female’s genetics!

  7. I relate to fullness. But I feel really “different ” or “odd” :(
    Like I never have hunger…never ever.
    But I basically force myself to eat every 2-3 hours by the clock (6-7 times per day).
    I eat despite the fact that I feel no hunger.
    Nada.
    An old roommate I had in the past had the habit of “skimping” all day and eating less (especially grains and fats) and then “allowing” herself to eat more at night. (but then still the calories never added up to that much).

    I get confused cause some people say there is a need to do it “naturally” …go by “hunger” etc…but I just feel no hunger….but I make myself eat BIG every 2-3 hours regardless.
    The funny thing about it all is that I A) wish I were hungry to eat —it would make eating a LOT easier, but B) I WANT to be full after eating…..if I didn’t feel like it was “enough” , it would drive me crazy!!

    Too bad a lot of bloat and discomfort accompanies this.

    I don’t know how you manage it all then, cause you are so active and energetic and positive! Yet, I know you need to gain , and you seem to eat calories (enough???) by the ‘seat of your pants’- style.

    We all certainly all different that is for sure. I continue my rigidity regardless, cause I can only do what I think I ought to in each day at a time.
    (but I don’t “skimp” during the days anymore….I have reverted to wake up early and eat big and non-stop all day long….and before bedtime, i still have a huge huge “snack”…aka meal!!).

  8. When I first started recovering, I hated feeling full. I did equate it with fat, so it always made me really uncomfortable, both physically and psychologically. But as I started eating more and my hunger woke up, hunger began to terrify me and I began to love feeling full… I’d seek out high volume foods just so I didn’t have to feel empty, and I was really scared of denser foods that looked so small and unsatisfying. Now, I’m somewhere in between. I hate feeling overly full, but I like feeling satisfied (not hungry). I still love a lot of my high bulk veggies and fruits, but the more calorie dense foods no longer scare me.

  9. I think a lot of people confuse feeling satiated with feeling overly stuffed. When I say that I hate to feel full, I mean the latter. While I will admit that I am a crazy person and I do have a tendency to actually like feeling “empty,” it’s not because I feel like I suddenly became fat otherwise! And I guess I am a volume eater, too; I just figure that if I’m ingesting X number of calories, I want it to seem like I’m eating that amount. At the same time, drinking a gallon of water? Yeah, not a very pleasant feeling. ;)
    <3 <3

  10. You made some interesting points! Your right- I never realized some people would not want to feel full! I’m the opposite.. I HATE being hungry or even that weird empty feeling. I don’t like feeling stuffed, but I hate always having to think of food if I’m not full ya know?

  11. Interesting post! I had no idea – I love feeling full and really enjoy having voluminous foods along with dense ones, ie, I’d always choose the grapes versus the raisins. or oatmeal versus granola.

  12. Being ED’d as well i have a love/hate relationship with feeling full. Sometimes i NEED and CRAVE to feel full. Other times eating a bite of something has me feeling mssive and awful.

    P.S. Love the haircut!

  13. I believe in Volumetrics. I NEED to feel full. My friend is a pro football player, and always laughs that I can throw down more than anyone on his team. I need to feel satisfied and satiated! I need to write a book on adding bulk. This is why I stock my friend full of high nutrient, low calorie foods- it’s the best of both worlds! I can identify to trying to ‘fill a void’ or the feeling that the emotions that you feel will overwhelm you! I think the key is listening to your body, identifying WHY you’re eating- if you’re hungry or ‘emotionally’ hungry, and enjoying your life!
    you look gorgeous with your hair at any length!
    Barbara

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